I have been married 3 1/2 years and we have no kids. We are both in the military and were seperated for 18 months from Apr '03 to Sep '04. My W had and affair while in Iraq with a direct subordinate of her's. Physically, it began in Dec '03 and ended Sep '04. But emotionally it probably began a few months earlier. I returned home in Mar '04 and knew something was wrong. She lied about everything for fear that I would leave her. She told me that there was an "emotional" connection and nothing else and that the OM did not even know about it. All the time she continued to sleep with him. After she came home she even tried to get me to be friends with the OM by taking me to a BBQ at his house with his family (cake-eater). D-Day was 20 Oct '04 after she was faced with the inevitability that I was about to find her secret email account. So the next day after a lot of indecision and going to see him for "closure," she cut off OM and now says she hates him for what happened and is so sorry that she had and A. So we have worked at it for the last month and even went to the MB workshop last weekend in L.A. She is now the perfect wife, providing she is not still hiding something, but I have no reason to think she is. Anway, I have gone through much pain and I'm now faced with a decision. The problem is that I know that I can find true love again with someone else. I am about to get out of the Army and start a new life. I see all these posts from people who have survived an affair and have complete healing, but some still continue to deal with the after-effects. But the majority of everyone I read about have had so much more to lose than I, i.e. a much longer marriage, kids, etc. I am only 28 years old and can still have a whole new life without her. So why should I allow her to be a part of my life and continue with the pain of healing with no guarentee that it will ever be completely behind us?? I still love her and don't want to hurt her anymore with my emotional ups and downs. She is trying so hard and is devastated that I am so close to leaving her. But logically, I feel like it will be better to start fresh than try to repair something that may not be worth it. I was so close to calling it quits today, but her crying and emotional outreaching stopped me in my tracks. I had already forgiven her, but that doesn't mean I should have to be with her. What do I do??? Should I let go or hold on. What do I have to gain by staying? I have prayed so much and wish there was a sign. Any thoughts are very much appreciated.

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: RADIO76 ]</small>

Your Dday was only 25 DAYS ago!!!

DO NOTHING DRASTIC FOR AT LEAST 3 MORE MONTHS.

No calling it quits!!

You have a gaping chest wound from which your heart has been torn.

You have made HUGE strides in 25 days.

So we have worked at it for the last month and even went to the MB workshop last weekend in L.A. She is now the perfect wife, providing she is not still hiding something, but I have no reason to think she is.

This is fantastic!!

Take deep breaths and heal. Your W should be trying her hardest to help you heal, but you must work hard at it too.

k

Krusht, thank you for your encouraging words. I know that if I try, it WILL work. But that is just the problem, MOST of me doesn't want to even try. But I know that you are right in pointing out that it has only been 25 days. I know that in time that it will get better, but I feel like it would be better to get out now when I can rather than rebuild an emotional attachment in the face of huge obstacles, which are: 1) I leave the Army in 6 months, she leaves in 18 months, so 12 months of me not being able to persue a new life so I can live with her (if we don't live together, no way it will work), so will I come to regret this as a missed opportunity to start over? 2)she promised NC but the OM is in the same unit and lives 5 minutes away and works less than 5 minutes from her, she even saw him at work today. I don't trust him any further than I could kick him. The second reason is the biggest and there doesn't seem to me to be any way of guarenteeing NC for the next 18 months. I can't go that long wandering, second guessing, and being suspicious. I especially do not trust him because although it takes 2 to tango, I feel that he initiated the A and de-railed her attempts to end it. He has even emailed and called her. The bottom line is that even though I think it can work out in the end, I don't feel like it is worth the risk or effort. I feel like I'm playing devil's advocate, but after so much pain, self-preservation is only natural.

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: RADIO76 ]</small>

I was so close to calling it quits today, but her crying and emotional outreaching stopped me in my tracks.
You hold on because you love her. You have forgiven her and she is trying hard to make it work too.

There have been many times when I too have felt like giving up and walking away - and could probably feel quite justified in doing so. But like you, I still love my husband, I have forgiven him and we are trying to make each other happy.

It is probably one of the hardest journeys of my life, but I think that it will also be the most rewarding.

What do I have to gain by staying?

I went back to looking at why did I marry him? When I looked at this honestly, yes I was feeling hurt, crushed,battered....but the reasons for marrying him hadn't changed, because I still loved my husband.

So yes we ride the rollercoaster of reconciliation, but we do it together and yes some days are easier than others. And we both believe that together is what we want and what God always intended. Finding Marriage builders has been a real life line for me. I haven't posted much, but I have found a lot of support by reading what others have written.

Thank you Debbb. I am finally starting to find people who are beginning to convince me that holding on is worth it. I still can't explain to myself why the pain of reconciliation is worth giving up on the potential of starting anew, but hopefully it will come in time. But I know I will struggle as long as I believe that I could be just as happy, if not happier, with someone new. Thank you for posting and thanks in advance to anyone else who does. God bless you all and the MB guys for this resource.

RADIO,

Well, let's see I can make a compelling arguement for you leaving the marriage. You have stated the major ones you question her commitment to the marriage as she had an affair while deployed. You have a young marriage. You are young. There are no kids. OM is potentially still in the loop AND since the affair was with a direct subordinate of hers he holds a certain power over her with respect to her getting court martialed. And there is the question of what marriage MEANS to her, frankly it does NOT seem to mean much does it? If you are there things are cool and if you are not well she fills in the missing piece. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

However, there is one question that does apply to you. What does marriage and commitment mean to you? What do your vows mean to you, not what they mean to her, because when you took vows you did NOT qualify them with I will only commit if she does.

Finally, there is the issue of another woman in your life. Yes, she would be new. Yes, she will not of been unfaithful to you...YET. Yes, she will love you and you will love her. But, you could have all of this, plus a woman that truely is devoted to you because you were strong enough to stand up for you marriage. The down side she did fail you, ONCE.

Ultimately, you will have to make a choice and even biblically you do have a choice to make. It must be your call. IF you decide to rebuild the marriage, it will be hard work, and it may fail OR...it may succeed in a spectacular fashion. You will have to make the call. The good news is you have found a site and a plan that can allow you to rebuild if you so decide.

Krusht, offered you the best advice. Wait awhile and don't make a hasty decision. You are not in the emotional state to do so as evidenced by the swinging back and forth between going and staying.

Hang in there, you will figure out what to do in the proper time.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you, thank you, thank you..... All of you are being so helpful. I know that I have to make a choice, but I see now that I can't do that just yet, if for no other reason than I need to give MYSELF some time to be able to think straight. Thank you all so much.

You have valid reasons for feeling the way you do. Anyone would feel that way in your situation. But there is still one important thing: your wife loves you and you still love her - or you would have left by now. This is a tough decision to make - and yes you could fall in love again. But are you willing to set yourself up to be devasted again, by another woman? Do you think your wife has learned enough to care for you in the way that she should? Perhaps getting through this pain now will set you up for the most happiness in the future. By your comments it seems that she wants to love you honorably and unconditionally. That's up to you to figure out...but remember that old saying, we don't know what we've lost till its gone. May God Bless your decisions.

Thank you HOTH. I will give this more time. Right now I feel that I will have lost the opportunity to see what else I could have. But you are right in many ways. W had a very bad day becuase of me saying it is time to move on. I'm going to try to have a pleasant evening with her. Thanks.

Hello,

I understand your position if you do not have children. I find something you have written very troubling and it is aside from the fact that she was continuously lying and sleeping with this OM for almost a year. It is that she tried to get you to be freinds with the OM and took you over for a BBQ to meet him at his home with his family.
I am sorry but that is really sick and sadistic on her part and I can only imagine she was getting some sick thrill over this. I think that could be the ultimate deal breaker. How in the world could she justify this to you? What message was she giving to you and to the OM? She more than cheated on you. She attempted to humiliate you in front of him as well. Why would you wish to be with someone like this? You deserve to be happy. Do what feels right to you. I wish you luck.

I'd dump her like yesterday's garbage!

You have no kids, you see now how her character is now. If you had seen the type of person she really was (a cheater and liar) then would you have married her or would you have RUN!

She can cry, sob, and be a real good actress but it is what is in her heart that counts. Look at her character and her actions.

Good Luck!

Dear Radio!

BryanP has taken upon himself to be the devils advocate around here. It is sometimes useful. But more often he presents a too pessimistic view.

The WS's seldom do their acts from cynicism. The WS is under the influence of the "feel good" of the A. This feel good is the effect from a drug that is released in the brain during an A. It is strongly addictive.
The effect of the drug is so strong. The addicts want more! But they also know that pursuing that goal would be wrong. So, the addicts alter how they perceive reality in a way that allows themselves to continue to get their daily dose. In that altered reality it will no longer be wrong for them to continue the A. "This relationship is so special, it must be God's will". "What we have together is so unique that old fashioned ethics just don't apply". "This will never effect my marriage." "My husband will never know, and what he does not know will not hurt him."
During the A your WS related to a fantasy-reality.

That change in how reality is perceived is called "fog" here at MB.

In that fantasy-reality the OM was such a nice person. And so were you. All she wanted was for the three of you to get along nicely as friends. Then she could easily get her daily dose. And you could see how nice and special the OM was and be more understanding of why she needs to spend time with him. Unfortunately she could not quite expect you to be so free and open minded that you would allow her to have him openly as her lover. But she could keep that part a secret. Her two men being friends would be quite perfect in that foggy logic of hers.

The D-day is to the WS a harsh meeting with the reality. The fantasy castle in the sky the WS so carefully have constructed now comes tumbling down. The first blow of reality-wind is enough to tear the fantasy apart.

When the A is over and well in the past, many WS's can’t believe what they have done and what they have said during and shortly after their A. Over in the "recovery" part of this site you can read posts where they tell how ashamed they are and how they can not believe they did what they did.

So, your wife taking you to the OM's home is not a cynical move to hurt you behind your back. It is the perfect logical step from a foggy brain.

God bless your recovery!

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>

Radio,

The fact that you are married does not mean that you are a slave. You can end your marriage, affair or no affair, anytime you like. If you hold the mindset that the marriage is on probation status, you are less likely to feel trapped by it. Convey this to your W so that she sees that just because you've forgiven her, it doesn't mean that she and the marriage are out of the woods. If she truly loves you and is deeply remorseful for her affair, she will do everything in her power not to do anything that will push you over the knife-edge to decide to end the marriage.

Lastly, as JL commented to you, even if you chose to end your marriage there are no guarantees that the next woman you marry will not have an affair [there are no guarantees that you yourself will not have an affair of your own either]. I understand that emotionally you feel that you W has forever tainted herself by having an affair but your W has an advantage over other women and that is that she has been exposed to the MB principles on having a great marriage. If you divorce her and marry another woman, the chances are very great that she is going to be totally ignorant of the MB principles and thus be playing Russian roulette when it comes to not crossing marital boundaries [spending time alone with another man, confiding her personal life to another man, etc.]. So unless you make absolutely sure that the next woman in your life is well versed in the MB principles, you will be gambling that she will not have an affair as well.

Whether or not your marriage survives, this is a great opportunity for you to become a better man and a better H to either your present W or a future W.

Most women do not cross personal boundaries. Nor do they have affairs. The women who do open up to other men and have affairs while married are weak, unloving, stupid, and of bad character.

If you can put up with these flaws in her go ahead and stay married. I would be careful and not have children with such a woman or trust her with birth control.....but keep an eye on her and see if she is trustworthy in other ways.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
Most women do not cross personal boundaries. Nor do they have affairs. The women who do open up to other men and have affairs while married are weak, unloving, stupid, and of bad character.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How many married women keep their affair a secret that they take to their grave? The women whose are affair becomes known are only the tip of the iceberg.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you can put up with these flaws in her go ahead and stay married. I would be careful and not have children with such a woman or trust her with birth control.....but keep an eye on her and see if she is trustworthy in other ways.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great point Baba, and I forgot to make this point to Radio on my previous post. As I said to him, he should consider the marriage on probation status.

Thank you to bryanp, babap, frank57 and TMCM. All good points of view. Right now I just want to stop going up and down on my emotions. I believe she is truly remorseful and is trying her hardest to make things right. But it's just too soon to tell. I do feel that the marriage is on probation, and although I have not put it into those exact words, she knows that I am teetering on the edge. We'll see what happens. I will post updates. Thanks for all your help and God bless.

If you are gone much, and she is lonely, will she have other affairs? Only time will tell....

Well, based on her history, yes. Based on what she knows now on why it happened and how to avoid it, no. The hardest thing for me is the PA. I no longer feel committed enough to be faithful to her now that she has been with 4 otehr men (3 before we were together) and me only with her. I am afraid that it is only a matter of time before I become a WS. I think I will forever struggle with the temptation to be with someone else even if we stay together.

Also, she reads this forum so she knows everything I write. But that's fine since I have never been much for dishonesty. Better she know how I feel than being in the dark like I was for so long. My fear, though, is that I will turn around and want things to work out but she will be driven away by my honesty with exactly what I am thinking and feeling. But I in the end "... the truth will set you free (John 8-32)." I guess I don't have much more to lose and everything to gain. Thanks to all for the support and to God for everything.

Radio,

Keep in mind that for most women [unlike a lot of men], having been sexually involved with other men prior to their marriage is seldom viewed as a badge of honor, and chances are good that for your W her sexual involvement with the OM is probably viewed by her as a purple cross of shame she's going to live with for the rest of her life.

Thanks for that perspective TMCM. I agree.