I'm really embarrassed about writing this post. 5 weeks ago I found out my husband had a 3 month affair with a coworker. I spoke to the OW and my husband, and they said they only kissed. They sent several emails, but that it was over, and my husband loved me.

My husband and I have spent the last 5 weeks going to marriage counseling, crying every night, praying together, talking, arguing, sleeping together, trying to heal our marriage. I came to this forum asking for advice, and I didn't listen to it.

My MC told me not to tell the OW's spouse because it was not my problem, it was hers. Daily, I agonized over the details of the affair, and none of it made sense to me. I kept asking and asking. My husband would give me a little different or more information every time I asked him, so it kept me yearning for more. It's been horrible.

Last Friday he told me he would leave because I couldn't get over it, and I actually begged him to stay! I didn't want to hurt the children. I really thought about committing suicide. I prayed and prayed for guidance.

That night, while he was on an overnight hunting trip with my sons, I decided to somehow get online and look at his cell phone bill. I was able to log on once, and never again, but I saw that he had lied about his calling her the day I found out about the affair. He said he had never called her, and he actually had called her 22 times. I knew then they had time to corroborate their stories.

That's when I told myself that the OW's spouse should know. I called him and asked him if he had any suspicions, and he said no. I told him the information I had about their out of town kisses, and he said that now that I had clued him in, he really thought that my husband and his wife had had sex. Their intimacy had been strained for the last 3 months.

The next day when my husband returned, I asked him again about the calls, and he lied and told me he didn't call her. Then I confronted him with the bill, and he sobbed and sobbed. He was so sorry; he had already lied about the calls, so he couldn't tell me the truth because it would hurt me too much... He even got a friend to come over and beg me to forgive him.

At that point, I told him to come clean with EVERYTHING! If I found out one detail that was different, his bags would be out on the street. Again, he sobbed and told me I knew everything. He loved me and never loved her. He could never sleep with another woman. He was not capable of that.

5 minutes later, I got a call from the OW"s spouse. He wanted to talk to my husband, and I gave him the phone. My husband said, "Yes, yes, my wife knows all the details. I'm very, very sorry about what I did. There's no excuse for what I did, but I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart.

My husband gave the phone to me because the OW"s spouse wanted to talk to me, and that's when I found out. The OW"s spouse said that your husband just confirmed to me that they had sex on 2 occasions when out of town. I actually said no, they just kissed. He said no, your husband just confirmed that they had sex on 2 occasions and that you knew everything. I said aloud, "so they did have sex?" In the background my husband was mouthing, "no, she's lying; we didn't have sex." I asked the OW's spouse in whose room did they have sex, and he said once in hers and once in his. I thanked him for telling me and I hung up.

Only then did he start admitting that he slept with her. He was crying, sobbing, begging for my forgiveness. He said he felt dirty and disgusting so he couldn't tell me. He said he knew I would kick him out if I knew the truth. I told him had he told me the truth 5 weeks ago, I would not have kicked him out. Now he had to go.

He begged and begged, and I stood firm. He talked to the children and left. He called later, and I told him he had to go to counseling to fix himself before I could ever make a commitment to healing our marriage. He says he can't live without me. He's going to apply for a transfer out of that particular office. Last night he wrote me 3 letters about how much he loves me, went to confession and was blessed by a healing priest, and this morning he dropped off bacon, donuts and coffee before going to church.

When we were going through the 5 weeks of more lies, I showed my husband this website. When people used the word "lover", he would say she was not my lover; you can't look at the negative stuff on the internet. Those people don't know what they're talking about They're just filled with anger over their situations. Our situation is not like theirs. I didn't sleep with the woman. He even told the marriage counselor about my visiting this website, and she told me to stop. So I did.

But, you guys were absolutely on target. For the first time in 5 weeks, I actually feel at some level of peace. I finally got the whole story. I even got him to tell me details of their lovemaking. The OW's spouse had told me, so I knew if he was telling me the truth or not. He said for about a month, he actually thought he was in love with her. He told her he loved her and everything. But, he still can't tell me why he did it. I think he really has some deep issues.

I'm so, so, so hurt, but at least I can deal with the truth now, not more lies.

Any advice on how to go on at this point would be so greatly appreciated. Again, I'm sorry I doubted this site. Part of me wanted to know the truth and am glad I finally know it, but part of me wants to crawl into a big deep hole and bury myself.

Thanks,
srdd

srdd,

I am so saddened to read of your discovery. I know how much it hurts. They are so many here that know what you feel.

This site is the "real deal". I would think that any marriage counselor that would speak badly of the Marriage Builder concepts is not a pro-marriage counselor. I don’t know that for a fact, it’s just my uneducated opinion. Marriage Builders worked for me because I needed someone to help me repair the damage from an affair and restore my forgotten feelings that I had for Mrs. G. I was not looking for someone to teach me how to live without Mrs. G. Fortunately, she wanted the same things. Do you both think this way?

They have a concept here that worked so well for me and Mrs. G; it’s called “radical honesty”. When both spouses buy into the concept you will learn things about each other that you have forgotten or never knew and sometimes you will learn things that cause pain. But even the painful revelations will spark a new understanding. The end result is that honesty will fuel a stronger more durable relationship and I urge you both to give it a try because believe it or not, “The Truth Shall Set You Free”. NO SECRETS.

I imagine that at this point your world seems destroyed and the visions that replay in your mind’s eye are a continuous reminder of your husband’s betrayal. How could someone that loves you do such a thing? How do you forgive such an act? The answers await you both. I might suggest that you both read this website regarding “emotional needs”. The unfilled emotional needs seem to be the cornerstones that make conditions ripe for an act of infidelity. So I would urge you both to find out what are your most important emotional needs. Perhaps then you both come to realize the true nature of what happened and why it happened, and better yet, how to prevent it from happening again.

Don’t give up. You will ride a roller coaster of emotions, but do your best to keep things in context, always keep site of the end goal. That practice will give you both the best chance of success. “Sail Straight and Stay the Course”. Remember, there will be setbacks, but if the general direction is up………….

My last piece of advice, “I am no expert”. I’m just a guy who is traveling down a road similar to your own and I am, quit frankly, looking for answers myself. Mrs. G and I have had some big successes lately and I want to pass on those things that are working for us, to others, but I caution you, “I am no expert”.

I hope you post here often and I wish you both the best for your future.

Mr. G

I got one of the doctors books my spouse cheated on me 3 years ago around end of october to end of december he came right out and told me about her it was a old high school girlfriend, he was to lazy to actually look for a new one, he actually blamed me and told me that it was my fault because i noticed him acting different and called him on it, when i found out about her i actually drove to her house and then she called my house and we talked for over 2 hours i found out everything he lied aobut things that they did, we are still together now I love him and he loves me, we did talk about it, but thanksgiving is always hard for me because he was with her 3 years ago and some times he says things about her and it reminds me, he doesn't say things but will see things that remind him about her, he doesn't realize that it is still hard and i do get upset. He told me that he did it because i made a comment that he would never be able to get someone to take him on with all of his kids, like i did, so he temped it and found some one, that had more kids them him, but i am happy now, i just get sad around the holidays. I think that if you can talk to both side get both stories then put everything together it helps because like my spouse he lied because he wanted me back didn't think that i would talk to her, but once i found out everything i lied it out on the table and told him that if he was to do it again that i would never take him back. it has be 3 years going on 4.

My H used that same ole "we just kissed" story too. I never bought it, but it still took me about 2 weeks and the threat of a lie detector test to finally get him to come clean with the whole truth about the sex. Those two weeks of lies were horrible. It is like sticking the knife in and then just twisting it over and over, inflicting as much pain as possible without actually killing the person. My H couldn't keep his story straight either, that (plus my gut instinct) is how I knew he wasn't telling me the whole story. I'm sorry your hell lasted 5 weeks. When you do finally get the truth it is like another D-Day all over again (but worse). It is amazing how they can look you right in the eye with tears rolling down their face and lie, lie, lie!!! Hopefully now you'll be able to start your recovery. So sorry you had to go through that. I know what torture it is. -SNS

You'll never get all the details of the past between them. You know they lied. What you can do for recovery is get all his passwords, have his cell phone bills sent to you, and complete openness and disclosure from now on. He needs to answer any question you ask about where he is going, who he sees, who calls on the phone, and he needs to keep his cell phone on at all times in case you want to reach him. None of this "the battery died" or "I was in a meeting."

Complete accountability.

Oh, and fire the counselor. She delayed discovery, helped prolong the affair and thus further damaged the integrity of the marriage. {edited - I had written "affair" and re-read, found the mistake}

Is she a sole practitioner? Or is she answerable to a supervisor? Where she got that "It isn't about you" theory re your H's affair is beyond me. That's so 80s. She enabled the affair by telling you not to contact OWH.

Good luck with recovery. I would contact the Harleys for support to rebuild, as well as posting here.

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

Being the WS, I do know the pain of an A. Using this website is the only thing that saved my M. My spouse and I have copies of Dr. H's books and follow them exclusively. I agree that MC's that tell you to ignore this website are crazy. Emotional needs are the strings that tie one person to another. Ignore the strings and it falls apart and dies.

Something not spoken of much (at least in my reading of the topics) is the 15 hours per week of time to spend with spouse. My W and I spent as much time together as possible. We do things together. Yes, radical honesty and inventories are needed but time together is important. We married oh so few years (36) ago and I find I still enjoy and want to do things with her. in I need her companionship. We have rediscovered the things that brought us together in the first place. Politics, sex, art, sex, you know the route. She travels with me to my job sites. We are constantly doing life together. I could not of healed and repaired if I was by myself.

My wife has forgiven me and we are more than ever, together. I can now speak of things that I could not earlier during M. My S evens looks better to me. Emotional needs, all 10 are the only way to truly communicate with my partner. If I try to accommodate hers, then she can accommodate mine.

This past year has been like the birth of the universe (big bang) and the love making is better than ever before also. I owe this to Dr. H and his books and website. This site should be mandatory for all marriages yes I said all marriages, and especially for those where infidelity is involved.