I accidently began using many of the tenents of Plan A, approximately 2 years ago this November. My husband had been having an affair with a married women in another city for one year at that time, but I did not know it until another whole year had passed. What I did know was that he was unhappy, felt separated from the family, angry all the time at everyone in the family, etc. He mentioned that he was considering a divorce or at least a separation. (The signs were all there, I was just blind to them) After reading several self-help books, (Dr. H's books NOT included) I began showing more appreciation, being more available, and even, more aggressive in sexual matters. I made more efforts to Keep "domestic" tranquility between our kids, as this was a chief complaint of my H. I had not heard of Dr. H at that time or the ten basic needs, but I finally "listened" to the complaints I had been brushing off as minimal in the previous years. I told him I was going to try some of the things I had been reading to improve our communiction and interactions. He said for me to "go ahead" but not to expect him to make any changes. He was tired of trying and did not believe anything could change. Slowly, I repeat, Slowly over the next 12 months our relationship began to change. He spent his vacations with us, instead of "visiting" his parents in Eroupe (yeah, right, I know better now). He became more easy going, less demanding and began responding, and even initiating sexual encounters. The whole time the OW was still in the picture but because I did not know about her the progress we were making was not tainted by resentment, anger etc. When I did find out about the OW I had "fallen in love" with my H again and in many ways he had fallen back in love with me, or was in the process of. I was not willing to give up easily but made it plain that all contact with her would have to stop or all the progress our marriage had made in the last year would go down the drain. Hubby was so confused it was almost funny. He could not deny his feelings for the Other Woman, but realized that having it both ways just was not going to work, now that I knew about his fantasy life. If we had not been "accidently" doing Plan A for all those months I don't think either one of us would have been very eager to save the marriage when I did find out about it. Our "bank savings accounts" for each other would have been close to bone dry. Having recaptured some of the positive feelings toward each other made him realize what we had was far more valuable than anything he could ever hope to have with the OW. His need for her in his life was gone. I WAS BACK! His feelings for me are growing daily now, and although I cannot speak for him, I think he thinks of me now, much more than he thinks of her.<P>My point in all this is to say that even if you are not getting the desired interest or response now for the efforts you are making to deposit love units. Even if it seems as if your efforts are not noticed, don't give up! You are expressing your love to change YOUR behavior, not his (hers). Your most basic, deepest feeling for your spouse is that you love him/her. All other feelings are not or should not be the driving force behind your behavior. Sure, you've been hurt, discouraged,resentful, devestated even. You've been more angry than you ever thought yourself capable of. But, NONE of these feelings will bring you peace. Peace can only come from those emotions and attributes associated with love. Patience, kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, etc. And hard as it may be to face, the need to even "love" the OP may fit in there somewhere, for you to find your own peace. ( This might be an interesting thought to address on a different chain of posts?)<P>This is not to say that expression of anger, pain, etc. should not take place, rather, those feelings can be expressed in ways that are constructive instead of destructive. Communication is the key here.<P>I hope I am not coming across as a "know it all" (Got that a lot when I was a kid.) This is just the way I think and express my thoughts. Please "beg to differ" if you like. Won't hurt my feelings, cos I truly do try to see things from the loving place in my soul. <P>Maybe I'll tell you about my conversation with the OW sometime!<P>Pax<P>PW<P>[This message has been edited by Pilot's wife (edited August 25, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Pilot's wife (edited August 26, 1999).]
