I was a happily married man that was on top of the world with a newborn baby girl of 20 days old and a 5 year old son.
I came home on the 19th August 2004 and My wife told me she was having an affair with a work colleague. I lost the plot and collapsed emoptionally,mentally and physically to this assault and grabbed a knife and slashed a lamp-shade and smashed her mobile phone;before letting go of this. I pleaded and cried to my wife for a week; whilst she laughed inside and pretended that she cared.She then got me arrested by the police on false chages of threatening to kill etc.. and I got put in the clink for 6 hours.. and kept on police bail.. beore it was laughed out.
During this time; my wife made her get away with her lover and dissapeared ;taking may daughter and abandoning my son with his grandmother. she then came back with a vengence and brough police, social workers etc..again under false allegations and took my son of 5 years old. As i did not want to cause a scene infront of my son and scare him; i let her have him.
Since August 2004, I have been searching for my children .while my wife started a new life with her lover.She immediately petitioned for divorce and is contuning to turn the knife in.

I know that this sounds crazy, but she has destroyed my life and I still have strong feelings for her despite all this. Although, i know i done nothing wrong and have tried many ways to win her back .. she seems to be under a spell with this man and I no longer recognize who she is .. she uses his jargon and words and if he says jump .. she jumps !! She has robbed me of my family and children and I do not know what to do .. I'm like ship that does not have a port and find myself sleeping at different peoples houses ..just to try and cope.

Please can you help me and tell me how I can win against the lover and get my two children back that I love with all my heart. My daughter will be 7 months now and I am yet to see her. I was there at her birth + 20 days.

I don't believe that a woman and mother can act like this with the father of her children.She is more animal than human.

The profile of her lover is a man that dumped his wife and child, kicked his wife down after she lost their child after 20 weeks and i believe that he even renewed his wedding vows in church with 100 people 4 months prior to running off with my wife and children.


Please help me!!

I am so sorry to hear all of this...if it helps I am in the same boat you are...except it was my husband of 18 yrs. that has done this to me. I have three children. And now it seems as though I have lost everything also. I have my son with me but my two teenage daughters stayed with my husband. In our house that I helped to pay for for years. The woman has taken everything from me.So I really sympathize with you. I also still love my husband with everything I have. This all came at me out of the blue...our relationship was fine...but he says it wasn't. So don't blame yourself...they are just weaker then we are. Hang in there and everything will work out.

Hello Miguel,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here for Infidelity.

Listen,first thing is you MUST control your anger.We all know how much rage you can have finding out about something as horrible and painful as a cheating spouse.There have been so many stories in the news about spouses(mostly men) killing their wives,kids and other women,etc.Don't end up in prison.Your life will really be over then,ok?

If you want to see your kids again,you have to start behaving like the model dad and man even though I know you are in pain.You already have one big strike against you with the previous outburst and of course,your WW ran with that.Don't give her anymore ammo to shoot you down with.

Next,if your WW has already started with the divorce(D) proceedings you better get yourself a good Lawyer and fast.Not only are you dealing with a D but you also have to be prepared that your WW might play dirty.Using everything at her disposal to keep your children from you.

Do you know who the OM's wife is? Can you get in touch with her and see what is really going on in their marriage? She could be an ally.She should also know that your WW is with her husband,if she doesn't know already.Expose the affair(A).

You need to regroup,get control and plan.When it comes to a spouse who is running scared and is trying to take your kids,etc, the marriage takes a back seat until you can get some idea of just how serious your WW is about your children,filing for a D and what else she is planning.In order to open up a dialogue with her again,you have to appear non-threatening.So do your best in that department.And I really hope your are not threatening.If you came near me with a knife and started slashing lamp shades and being violent,I would be very scared too.

This isn't a contest between you and this homewrecker other man(OM).This isn't win or lose.You have to be and present yourself as the stable parent because your WW isn't right now either.She is basically running off with some OM,whom we have no idea of his safety( I would be upset!) and your WW is bringing your kids around him too.THEY ARE IN JEOPARDY.WS's(wayward spouses) only think of themselves so you have to think about your kids.

Again,talk to a Lawyer about your rights.Check out the MB bookstore online here for some good books to read and educate yourself.

You have been dealing with this for 6 months now.What has happened since Aug.2004? Any new developments? What have you done with yourself since then?

O

Miguel,

Please take Octobergirl's advice. I would also like for you to consider taking an anger management course VOLUNTARILY. Why? Because once you've taken it, you can go to family court with proof of course completion and it will go a long way in proving to the judge that you are a responsible individual in control of his actions and worthy of having visitation rights with his children.

If the OM is the piece of work that you state, then it shouldn't take long for his dark side to reveal itself to your WW. When this happens, your WW may rue the day she left you to go with him. That is why it is so important for you to be on your best behavior so that hopefully she will see she made a mistake by becoming involved with the OM. Also make peace with the fact that you cannot and should not try to control your WW's actions. Yes she is your W who made vows to you and God but she is also an individual with free will to choose between what is right and what is wrong. She is NOT your posession.

In the meantime please follow the advice given to you and read and follow the principles in Dr Willard Harley Jr's books and in his articles on this website, especially What Are Plan A And Plan B. Above all, always remember that you are NOT alone.

TMCM

Hi Sweet 39,

I'm sorry to hear that we share the same pain.

I was with my wife for 12 years. My wife is French and we met when we were both young at university. She had failed in just about everything and was going through a bad time as her father was dying.I nurtured her, protected her and even went as far as to guide he and do part of her degree for her.I was always proud of her and let both her and her family know it. My family always said to me that you put her on a pedastal and that nobody will ever love her like you.I have turned this woman into a powerful and successful person and the return for me has been betrayl and disoyalty.

Like you; all this came out of the blue. I do blame myself as I should have seen this and I feel like I've let my children down. What have I been doing since Aygust 2004 ..:-

1. in the main i've been like a zombie with pain and suffering .. mainly 1st thing in the morning and last thing at night.I go without shaving,look scruffy and can barely find the strength to wash myself.

2.I contacted the OM's wife and initially she was very blazay about it all.She said that she had known about it 2weeks previously.She said that her husband was making calls to my wife infront of her. I kept an eye on things and found out that a man started visiting her after 1 month (August) an have since found out that she is also seeing another man now.I confronted the woman to push her husband and pass on the message to let me see my children and I got a very hurtful e-mail back from my WW wife defending his wife...mots probably triggered by her WW husband. Her husband also tried to make charges of harrasment against me on more than one occasion .. can you blieve that !

3.I got a PI at high expense to chase things up and find where my WW and children may be.This ended up costing me over £3000 with zero results.In the end I paidfor search on the internet at much cheaper cost and found where my WW, her lover and the children are staying.I've managed to keep myself away for fear that I would kill.

I am trying to hang in there;but feel weary and don't want to go on anymore.I get mixed feelings of rage ..wanting to kill, work myself up and then try to deal with this.

My children are in ''JEOPARDY'' and I thought it was only me who can see this.This man actually believes that this is his children and family and has convinced my wife of this too.She is only thinking of herself and nobody else.

I stil think that there is only ne way out and that is the old fashioned way! Vendetta

Hay Octobergirl,
I agree with you; but the pain I feel inside is overwhelming.Imagine the feelingd when you have just been blessed with a newborn baby girl and you've been there for you wife all the way. You are at a peak !!

She then pulls the rug from under your feet.. 20 days after birth ;sending you falling down a steep cliff with no bottom insight ..I am still falling.I don't know if my daughter is truly my daughter and I have not seen her or my son for near on 6 months now..

If I approach .. the cries are harrasment and I do't the cries are .. you don't give a damn ..this is just a game for them! However, they don't realize that it is playing with peoples life's and emotions!

This woman has ruined my life, the life of my children, our families.. and soon to be her's !! As we know.. I don't own her and she should know what is right and what is wrong ! I don't think she does. However, her actions is impacting me and my children and I can't let this pass.

If it was just a partner or girlfriend .. my words would be go to hell and I would not look back .. However, there are children involved.

As for the success of her new partnership .. from what I understand from the statistics .. theres is only a 25% rate and out of that which lead to new marriage; the probability is even less! Why .. it is a relationship based on dishonesty, deceit and pain to other people. These are traits that will be used in their relationship .. to their dimise.

Hay T00MuchCoffeeMan

Thank you for the help on going to an anger management course. I think that I will take this further.. benefit me if nothing else.

I am worried that she may use this as an indication/confirmation that I do have a problem .. where infact I don't believe I do. I have never behaved like this before in my life and have never had any previous involvement with the police.

This is something that she planned and executed to achieve a result .. getting me arrested .She was hoping that I would hit her and I did not.She then used the reaction 1 week after the event to get me arrsted and made sure that she added to it to make it more saucy!!

Hi miguel,

I am glad you are still with us.

Listen.Most everyone here KNOWS what pain you are in.We know the huge rush of emotion,the desire to "kill",rage,the depression,confusion,sadness,insanity.I have been there myself but IT WILL GET BETTER.PLEASE do not consider doing anything to the OM.I know you feel you want to but don't go there.Trust me on that.Your children need you and you cannot help them if you are behind bars and your WW will just be happy to have you out of the way.You have to consider that there may be a time,like there was for many of us,where we reach a point that the marriage and spouse no longer matters as much.Our CHILDREN are the priority and you will always want that.Your marriage? Maybe, but your children are ALWAYS your children.

If you want help then please stay with us and follow the plans here.If you just wing it,you will have a much lower chance at recovery whether that is Marital AND Personal or just Personal.You have to know what you are doing.Your WW sure as heck doesn't.YOU be in control ok? You are highly emotional,understandably so.But you can accomplish so much more when you settle down a bit.This can only happen with some time passing too and if you are not eating and sleeping well or functioning during the day,talk to your doctor about the possibility of AD's(antidperessants).Many of us here have taken them to help with the initial shock phase.

Keep reading the posts here and on GQII.They will give you some insight into how things work around here.

O

Hay Octobergirl,
I really appreciate you being there for me. I need the help to get me through this. It is hard .. but I am keeping myself from doing the wrong thing.

I look to my parents for support;but they are ol and and in pain also and look at me and feel sad ..because they just can't help.

My father and son were best friends and this is killing him slowly.He has lost his eldest grandon and does not want to go on. My mother has been in hospital twice with heart problems and the stress in killing her.I am trying hard to keep it together .. but I have lost all care for myself and feel like I am on a downward spiral..not shaving, begining to deteriorate externally and feel empty inside..a void!!

I am way past the shock phase and refused the anti-depressants long ago.I am stronger than that and will not be beaten or kept numb by those things.I am on a roller coaster ride and go through high's and lows ..but always think of my children every night and every morning .. this hurts so badly that I shake and feel physicall sick.

There was a time that I would suffer anxiety attacks, dry mouth,panick attacks and even have nightmares with demons around my bed .. I kid you not !!

I am in the vendetta phase and only act with caution in this phase .. this gives me strength. I made this woman and I will be bringing her down .. this will need patience and cool behaviour .. which I know is what you are advising me to do ..Thanks for the support.. I've met a girl called SARA

S = shock
A = anger
R = revenge
A = acceptance

Miguel,

I have to say that the way you are talking isn't helping."vendetta phase", "made this woman and you will bring her down".Are you in a gang or what? Because this isn't helping.You are an adult and just because your WW is acting very foolishly doesn't mean you follow suit.It is hard to take anyone seriously when they talk of nothing but revenge.If you want a chance to save your marriage,we can help you with that but if your goal is to destroy your WW,then I don't think this is the place for you.

You decide.What will it be?

Also,based on what you mentioned,AD's could still be beneficial to you.From my experience being here over a year,it seems to me that many men,more so than women,view taking AD's as a weakness or that they only cause more harm than good.Look at what you wrote:lost all care for yourself,downward spiral,not shaving,beginning to deteriorate,feel empty inside,you shake and feel physically sick,etc.You refused to take them before because you claim you are "Stronger" than that.This isn't about weakness.On the contrary,it is recognizing when you are in NEED.That you need help.

If you want to continue on this downward spiral,that is your choice but AD's have worked for many of us.I for one was never "numb" nor beaten.The AD's did help stabilize my emotions so I could get out of bed and take care of my children.I thank God that I was able to get them.I didn't sleep for weeks and I was a complete wreck.I lost tons of weight and if not for the medication,I KNOW I would have been worse off.So,don't count them out completely.Think about it more or at least,talk to a doctor about options.

I am very sorry to hear about your parents.When the awful news comes out,everyone in the family is affected.Absolutely.It's painful.We all have to try and support one another.Sometimes it's just helpful to know that your parents love you and can listen,if nothing else.Let them know that just being there is helpful.

So,have you taken the time to read our concepts here and get some books yet?


O

Hi octobergirl,

I do want a chance to save my marriage.. please hekp me and tell me what I need to do. I am lost and hurt. I am not in a ganag. I am 36 year old father of two that has been robbed of my children and life by an evil scum bag.

Ehat concepts or books do you recommend. I have been reading ''How to win your ex back''.

Here is what i've been up to this week to try and win her back:-

I sent a single red rose to her work with a love message attched everyday for a week. I found out that she took reciept of the rose for 3 days.

After that; she refused the remainder and asked the florists to stop bringing them around. I believe she done this because I called OM and scared him ;but never used any threatening language.. just me calling him was enough !!

I have a mediation session on the 2nd March and I will be bringing a girl with me that will act as my girlfiend to make my ww jealous. I don't know if this will help matters?

I am sorry if you feel that I am confused,talk of vendetta etc.. but this woman has done alot ofd damage and is continuing on a path that will ulitmately damage my children. I feel that they are in Jeopardy and she is being taken in my a serial adulterer ..

What type of man abandons his won child,renews his wedding vows,dumps his wife afte a miscarage and takes on two children from another marriage?

Why is his wife so relaxed and Blazay about this all; unless he is a repeat offender?

Why does it seem that this guy is always one step ahead .. knowing how to play the system?

Mig
x

Hay gang,

I'm sorry to you all if I seem like i'm talking without thinking .. it is just that I am trying to get a grip and keep sliding.

1.Does anybody know what the chances of this relationship lasting between WW and OM?

2.How many of us actually survive this and get our WW partners back?

When I think of what this woman has done to me .. I wonder why the hell I care? This is a mystery for me. I have been reading some of the concepts and it all makes sense.. but does not tell me how to get my WW wife back. I especially like the Dr Spock story .. would sure like to connect my wife to my emotional torture chamber.

I don't know how I have survived thus far..let me just give you guys a summary of the near deaths i've had over last 6 months .. to give you an idea of the hell that I've lived

Sept -Car Crash - Peugeot 406 - 1st Car
Oct - Car Crash - FORD Van.
Nov - Car Crash - Hire Vehicle - Overturned car and car is finished .. into scrap yard.. I walk away still alive .. just barely!
Nov - Car Crash - Hire Vehicle - Fiant Punto..The car is written off by Insurance company .. beyond economic repair.
Dec- I decided to escape and go to Thailand as my wife was not letting me see my children in the festive season..Yes .. I was there when the Sunami struck !!

Jan - I overturned a new car .. just purchased from the showroom ..cost me over £15,000 and was taken to hospital..The car overturned 5 times at a speed of (140km/h). I walked away, but looked ant the car and thought .. how the hell did i live through that.Worst thing.. is that I had not got the car insured yet and lost the money!

Over the past 6-7 months; I have accumulated twice the No of points allowed on a driving license to be allowed to reamin driving!

Should I still forget about revenge? The urge is overwhelming .. but I am controlling this .. somehow!

Miguel,
I am sorry you are hurting. All of us here have gone thru similar pain, believe me we know. You have come to MB, a wonderful place, to try and SAVE your marriage. If that cannot be done, and sometimes it is not achieved, at least MB helps YOU become a better person. So the only goals here are GOOD ones.Nobody here will support your need for revenge.

I think you need to realize that YOU can only CONTROL what YOU are and do. and so far you have not done a very good job of it. All those crashes are NOT due to chance. You must realize that you are not controlling yourself, you are not a safe person for yourself now.
You must try to become a BETTER person, a SAFE person, a FATHER who is responsible for his children.
I think you need to focus on yourself first and try to become the person you think is best for your children. You were very lucky to come out alive from those crashes, but what if you had had your children with you? Would they have been that lucky? or any other person for that matter.

Miguel you have to take control of yourself first!!!!Start taking care of yourself physically first. Spruce up.
Do you think your wife would want to go back to you if you are looking horrible, keep crashing your cars, etc.?
Please start working on yourself first in order to present an attractive option for your wife and a responsible father for your children.

I don't think the fake girlfriend is a good idea. It is another lie and if found out, which it will most likely be, will make your wife feel that you are also inventing things. Not good. You need to prove that you are a responsible adult.

Keep posting. People here will help you. Things are slow on the weekend.

JMHO

Hi Miguel,

I am glad to hear you want to try and save your marriage.You do sound lost and let us all help you ok? Do you live in Europe or the US? If you don't want to say,that's alright.

First of all,according to statistics,about 2/3rds of marriages do not survive Infidelity.It's a sobering thought but Infidelity is SO destructive and my feeling is once a spouse has crossed that line,it takes a herculean effort to come back to the marriage and many people aren't able and/or willing to do that.They are in what we call "the fog" of the A(affair).More and more people,especially women,are getting into A's too which is also sad to think about.In my opinion,many people do not protect themselves and families against A's.They wrongly assume that some other person is the answer to their marital problems.It is most certainly not.

Ok.First,most WS's(wayward spouses) do not appreciate attention from their BS(betrayed spouse).Like the roses you gave your WW.That was a very nice gesture but when you are dealing with a WS,it usually is rebuffed.Start with trying to keep a calm and open dialogue with your WW.She first has to feel non-threatened by you.Gifts and such can wait for now.And stop contacting the OM.He is a homewrecking user and you don't want him calling the police on you as well.When you do that it just glues the A partners together even more,like "Us against the world".He isn't the focus here.Your children and then WW are.

Second,if your WW has literally been keeping you from your children,then you have to see a Lawyer.No matter what your WW thinks of you,you have a RIGHT to see your children.That is non-negotiable.She is the one cheating here and is lost in her own fog.If anyone isn't fit to care for those kids right now,it's most likely her.She has endangered them by having this OM near them and no one knows just how bad this guy is.We already know he is an adulterer who abandoned his wife and kids,from what you said and now he has a hand in the destrcutiion of your marriage and family.That is a huge strike against him thus far.

I am sorry to hear about all your near miss fatal car crashes but for heavens sake,are you speeding on the autobahn or what? Surely all these crashes weren't caused by other people.Maybe it's a good thing right now not to have your own transportation if all those crashes happened just in the last 6 months.

This website and what Dr.Harley talks about is the best one I have found for having a chance at saving your marriage and I think why it is so "popular".We have over 40,000 members and probably a lot more who have left or just lurk and read.Dr.Harley has a lot of experience dealing with couples who have been hurt by a cheating spouse and he has a plan for how to try to save your marriage or at least have personal recovery.I wasn't able to save my marriage but I really believe that the plans here and all the support got me through to where I am now.Of all A's,only 3% make it and even then the odds of there being a long lasting committemnt/marriage for these people are slim.That's why it is important to have a plan and be able to stick it out for a while.Go back to TMCM's link and read up on what PLan A and B are.Get some recommended books that are listed on this site at the top.

If you do not want a Divorce,stall.Do not go to Mediation.Tell your WW that you need some time to think or plan,whatever you have to say but stall.At the very least,you need to retain your own Lawyer and get informed if your WW is he** bent on divorcing you and not turning back.

And PLEASE.DO NOT bring some other woman to court to make your WW jealous.You are an adult,not a high schooler.That will only fuel her desire to get away from you if you have some woman there and it just looks BAD.She will internally think of you as nothing better than a user too.Hopefully you can put this D(divorce) off until you can get organized.I am going through Mediation myself and it's just me,my WH and our Lawyer(Mediator) no one else is allowed in the room.

Revenge *thoughts* are a normal response to someone who has hurt you terribly.Thoughts are ok but DON'T ACT ON THEM.Come here and vent,as we like to say.Let us know how you are feeling but remember to keep the focus where it needs to be.On your kids and then marriage.We have had some pretty wild stories here Miguel and I won't lie to you:When a WS is going full steam ahead toward a D then there isn't much you can do but protect yourself and make sure your children are ok.Whether or not your WW wants to admit it,you ARE the father and she cannot keep you away from them.They need to be with you and you with them.This is why a Lawyer is important at this juncture.

What exactly is the situation at home: do you work? You mentioned your WW works,is she nearby? When did you see or hear from the kids last(remind me)?

O

Hay Guys,

Thanks for hanging in their for me. I really appreciate the help and guidance. Yes ..I am English and live in the UK. My wife is French. and I speak 3 languages fluently.I am a senior Executive that has worked in Europe and maybe that is my downfall .. always working !! That's wahat I thought .. work hard your thirties .. to make something for your children .. a future!!

The crashes .. I guess this is the result of a need for self-destruction.

I feel that I have let my children down and feel that I am to balme for all this. People have said that I need to start loving myself first.

My wife sent me e-mails when I first made contact with her back in October and the e-mail was vile and went something like this:-

1.She is giving my children to this OM.
2.I tried to break them up (Her + OM).
3.I have been violent with our children.
4.I abused her.
5.I apprently asked my son if his mother has been having sex with other men.
6. She dug up very little thing that I did wrong over 12 years and threw it in my face.

I am by no means perfect; but this was utter rubbish and it felt like that she was either trying to hurt me or pass on the guilt that she may have.

i've stalled for 6 months thus far and hired.fired 3 lawyers .. whose only interest was oney. I've got to the stage where last week I attended court for a contact Order for gaining access to my children.Judge made us talk via mediation and we did.. but she still wants a divorce.I was literally begging for access and the medaitor simply agreed only what my wife would give me ..2 Hours every 2 weeks .. under supervision by the state. I said that I will take what I can get for now .. but the time element is unacceptable.If i had refused this; it would have taken another 3 months to see my son & daughter. She maintains that my daughter is my daughter .. but how can I believe her .. when every word that she has uttered has been a lie. She tried to force a CAFCASS report on my son .. which basicly would have thrown things out by 3 months and he would have been forced at 5 years old to undergo a pyschological probing.

I was the only one to shout out .. ''No'' .. youve put my son through enough ..I cried to the judge that this was a child of 5.

He asked mediators opinion amd they said that .. they had dealt with 7 year olds (youngest)before. The judge then objected and said that it was usual only for children of double this age to unergo such probing and this was not appropriate.

I sobbed my heart out; while trying to maintain composure .. while my WW looked on ..and was not even paying attention to what was being said about her child.She must have been thinking about OM or something .. but she definitely had a vacant cold look on her face !!

I do not want a Divorce, but see it coming. They are trying to get there hands on the money , property and everything that I have worked for!!

My plan on the divorce thus far..is to defend at high cost to myself..this would mean a court battle, sapina's other mans wife etc. to prove that she has been having an affair and is an adulterer. Funny law .. in England .. you can't prove adultery even if wife talks about it openly .. you must catch them in bed together fu..ing and take pictures.

If I defend and stall, it would take between another 6months-2 years for them to get their hands on the finances ..by then I need to try and find solutions to stop them. I previously put property in my wifes name as security for our children incase anything happened to me .. now she will surely cash in and spend on him !!

Ugh.What a mess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well,even though you might not have been the "perfect" husband and father,your WW is 100% to blame for making the choice to cheat ok? That is never the answer to anything but in my experience,it would seem to me that mandatory marriage classes are necessary before being allowed to marry.So many people have no idea what it really takes to make a marriage work.Meanwhile,family after family,and child after child,gets hurt and destroyed in the process,not to mention our own pain.That is a pipe dream of mine though.I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I won't pretend to know what the laws are like where you live Miguel so in that respect,I don't think I can help much.Here in the States we have tougher laws that ensure that both non-abusive parents see their children more than 2 hours every 2 weeks.That is abominable.Adultery is a faded "fault" too here.Only a few states allow you to file for a divorce under this "crime".Many courts just want you to come in and get it over with regardless of who did what to whom.It's a sad comentary.

Like I mentioned before,if a spouse is bent on a divorce and doesn't want to consider anything else,you cannot ultimately stop them and then the focus is protecting yourself and children as much as you can.

I am going to introduce you to Bob Pure ok? I will ask him to look at your thread here and maybe offer some guidance and support.He also lives where you do(is 41 years old) and had a cheating wife(they are in recovery now).Maybe you can then come over to the GQII board for input from other's.

Hang in there.

O

Hello mate

Sorry you find yourself in such cr@p. Rotton isn't it?

Recovery means many things: from teh salvation of a marriage and a family to a healthy divorce but a common attribute of both is PERSONAL recovery.

You are angry, desperate and needful and all of these things, although they feel 'right' are counter productive.

You must 'let go' of your W - you have already lost her for the moment at least - and make yourself strong: the best you can be in fact.

Go see your doctor and consider anti-depressant drugs. This is not a weakness, its as natural as taking an asprin with a headache. It will help stabilise your moods while you take important decisions.
Then STUDY. STUDY voraciously. Surviving an affair, Torn Asunder, His needs her need and Not Just friends as a minimum. Then check out the living examples of that 'marriagebuilding' strategy on these boards. There are many.
Value yourself: exercise, eat well, lay off the drink.

Go out with friends ana laugh. keepo a tidy house.

Do everything you feel is irrelevent and instinctive because NOT ONLY will these behaviours set you up for a good solo life if you need one, they will also start to make you appear to be the best and most attractice spouse you can be for your WW.

Your studies will tell you that MOST affairs based in lies and betrayal fail as long term relationships. What you need to do is be a 'lighthouse' to guide an dattract yoru WW back to you.

It might not work, she may just want out " and exit affair". But she may not.
And you have to breathe and behave calmly. Panic and rage are your twin enemies. Calm and confident win the day.

YES It's hard. Hardest thing I've ever done but its what you need to do for yourself and for your WW and kids.

Get in touch with relate in the UK - they are good at advising over visitation law for example.

If you have a Christian faith, maybe a marriagecare appointment will be helpful. This is a catholic sponsored marriage building MC service in the UK.

I'm UK too, so mail me if you want a real-time vent. (purebob at evomail dot co dot uk )I am no expert , just a sad bloke trying to rebuild my life but I have some experience of Plan A and exposure and stuff.

Final thing : I GUARANTEE your life will be better in six weeks than you ever dreamed possible if you start empowering YOU right now.


All blessings.

You're in good company, and with friends...I understand and know your pain, but can tell you my friend with all sincerity that you're all over the place.

You need to first find how to center, calm, and obtain peace for yourelf and begin to heal yourself before you try to recover you're marriage.

Antidepressants are not bad. They work well. I asked my doc (as I am in healthcare and know about them) to put me on lexapro when it was apparent I had to take my now xh to court several times due to HIS outrageous behavior.

AD's will aid in getting you to think clearly as you journey to your peace...right now, you should only focus on you...

I will also suggest you get some IC for yourself as this rage is very apparent. On one hand, you want to destroy them...other hand you want to win wife back. A house divided cannot stand. Your mind is divided. And bringing another woman into court when you're trying to show your W has been cheating is not smart to do.

You're running high on emotions and anger. And it is easy to see and know how it happened. But you gotta get outta that ok? We can help you.

I suggest doing these things this day...do NOT wait, do them today:
1)get doc appt and get on AD's. Lexapro is great and it doesn't take weeks to get to steadystate in your blood stream. Less adverse side effects too. You only stay on them till crisis phase ends ok? You are not on them forever. I got off after about 3-4 months. I was able to think clearly and get thru toughest life moments. My brain worked...I did not react. This is crucial!
2)Get an Individual Counselor. You must work on you now! Bob P is right. You gotta get it together man! You admitted you don't bathe, it's hard to just go thru your daily routine...You're suffering from swings of anger, rage, and depression.
3)read and lean about MB concepts ok. Really learn them.
4)understand what you are doing NOW is not working. It is probably driving your W into OM's arms. I am being tough but loving here. If you want your W, then show her a man she would want to come home to...A revengeful, unkept, angry man is NOT attractive to a woman. Gotta think clearly.

One of my favorite quotes is from Einstein. He once said "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different".

If you don't stop, re-assess yourself, change, and change course now, nothing will change. It is not working now. The anger, rage, and depression is not working. It's only hurtin you more.

You need to get clear so you can get on a path that will be sound and honorable should you need to go to court to retain custody of your kids...and with regards to your W, you gotta show her a man she would want to come home to.

It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be depressed. It is ok to cry. It is ok to experience rage. But when these things persist and they go unchecked, it can be incredibly destructive.

You can do this!

Begin Plan A, with yourself, today. Plan A yourself, your W, your kids. You can begin by implementing positive changes.

And remember...you can only change YOUR actions. YOU cannot make another person do anything. But your actions, lack of actions, or poor deliberate actions can HELP push somebody away from you. YOU are only responsible for yourself and your minor children. That is all. You take responsiblity for YOU and YOUR actions. Start on a postive journey now.

But you've got to make baby steps today to begin this journey.

My xh came home, waffled, went back to Owomen, and got incredibly worse. It was sad. We did divorce. I did all I could do. But what happened was amazing. I CHANGED. I got stronger, became a different and postively changed woman as a result. My life is good. Life is all right.

Either way whether your reconcile, or divorce, you need to change your life positively.

Remember Einstein's words. It's time to do something different. Welcome to MB. We will help get you on the right track.

Print off list I suggested and get going today! You can even see a doc today! Don't worry about using an Antidepressant. It is going to be just a positive addition to some wonderful things you are going to begin.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justpeachy:
<strong> You're in good company, and with friends...I understand and know your pain, but can tell you my friend with all sincerity that you're all over the place.

You need to first find how to center, calm, and obtain peace for yourelf and begin to heal yourself before you try to recover you're marriage.

Antidepressants are not bad. They work well. I asked my doc (as I am in healthcare and know about them) to put me on lexapro when it was apparent I had to take my now xh to court several times due to HIS outrageous behavior.

AD's will aid in getting you to think clearly as you journey to your peace...right now, you should only focus on you...

I will also suggest you get some IC for yourself as this rage is very apparent. On one hand, you want to destroy them...other hand you want to win wife back. A house divided cannot stand. Your mind is divided. And bringing another woman into court when you're trying to show your W has been cheating is not smart to do.

You're running high on emotions and anger. And it is easy to see and know how it happened. But you gotta get outta that ok? We can help you.

I suggest doing these things this day...do NOT wait, do them today:
1)get doc appt and get on AD's. Lexapro is great and it doesn't take weeks to get to steadystate in your blood stream. Less adverse side effects too. You only stay on them till crisis phase ends ok? You are not on them forever. I got off after about 3-4 months. I was able to think clearly and get thru toughest life moments. My brain worked...I did not react. This is crucial!
2)Get an Individual Counselor. You must work on you now! Bob P is right. You gotta get it together man! You admitted you don't bathe, it's hard to just go thru your daily routine...You're suffering from swings of anger, rage, and depression.
3)read and lean about MB concepts ok. Really learn them.
4)understand what you are doing NOW is not working. It is probably driving your W into OM's arms. I am being tough but loving here. If you want your W, then show her a man she would want to come home to...A revengeful, unkept, angry man is NOT attractive to a woman. Gotta think clearly.

One of my favorite quotes is from Einstein. He once said "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different".

If you don't stop, re-assess yourself, change, and change course now, nothing will change. It is not working now. The anger, rage, and depression is not working. It's only hurtin you more.

You need to get clear so you can get on a path that will be sound and honorable should you need to go to court to retain custody of your kids...and with regards to your W, you gotta show her a man she would want to come home to.

It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be depressed. It is ok to cry. It is ok to experience rage. But when these things persist and they go unchecked, it can be incredibly destructive.

You can do this!

Begin Plan A, with yourself, today. Plan A yourself, your W, your kids. You can begin by implementing positive changes.

And remember...you can only change YOUR actions. YOU cannot make another person do anything. But your actions, lack of actions, or poor deliberate actions can HELP push somebody away from you. YOU are only responsible for yourself and your minor children. That is all. You take responsiblity for YOU and YOUR actions. Start on a postive journey now.

But you've got to make baby steps today to begin this journey.

My xh came home, waffled, went back to Owomen, and got incredibly worse. It was sad. We did divorce. I did all I could do. But what happened was amazing. I CHANGED. I got stronger, became a different and postively changed woman as a result. My life is good. Life is all right.

Either way whether your reconcile, or divorce, you need to change your life positively.

Remember Einstein's words. It's time to do something different. Welcome to MB. We will help get you on the right track.

Print off list I suggested and get going today! You can even see a doc today! Don't worry about using an Antidepressant. It is going to be just a positive addition to some wonderful things you are going to begin. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hay Guys,
I really had a bad day yesterday night. I came home feeling rotten and went across to the house that my wife is staying with her lover !! I know this was stupid .. but I can't help myself. I got arrested by the police and then they let me go.. I think my wife or Lover was filming the whole thing from the top window as Ia saw a red light .. normally associated with a video camera.

I am begining to finally realise that I should start lookin after myself and f..ck her ..she does not deserve me. I still feel the lonliness for my children and can't believe that I live in a world where I can be robbed of my life , children and everything that I've worked for in a legal manner.

I diasgree that I need antisdepressants .. I have already done the following:-

1. Visited the doctor on more than one occasion.
and did not take them.
2. I've had councilling on approx 3 occasions/sessions or more.
3.I've talked to friends, family etc..
4. I've taken a holiday etc..

Some people are saying that I look better than I did 6 months ago .. and this is true .. the pain is less and I can sleep. There is the odd days that I go without bathing and looking after myself.These are my low days .. when I wonder about my children.

If this was just a girlfriend/fiance/partner ..I would feel nothing . but this is a wife .. that I put my heart and soul into .. I gave her myself and she only has one aim now .. my destruction. How can one human being destroy another. I would not even contemplate doing this to an enemy .. nevermind the father/mother of oiur children and a person that I spent 12 years of my life with. It just is insanity!!

I keep on saything that this is not my fault .. but then blame myself some days..If only i had been different .. less demanding on my wife.

I noticed that my temper became worse with overstress at work and my wife's failure to help me out or talk about it.

She wrote me a vile e-mail saying that she used to wind me up on purpose such that I would react.Funny how she did this in the last 2 years of our marriage. Some hints that I should have noticed:-

1. She took her wedding ring off in Dec 2001/Jan 2002.

2. While I was workin aways on business between march 2002-Dec 2002 in France .. I called her and had a gut feeling that she was messing around and somebody was in my house.

3. She came and stayed at my work flat in France in August 2004 and said that she did not love me anymore .. would not give an explanation and then said she did not mean it.

4. I took her on a worldwind trip to Dubai, Maldives and Singapore .. we had great time and were still much in love .. Dec 2002/Jan 2003

5. We were making love like bunnies, but I noticed that she stsrted with new techniques in may 2003? I thought nothing of it!!

6.She said that she did not love me again in August 2004.. i cried and she came and hugged me and we mad love .. I think that this is the night we concieved our daughter.. )not sure f my daughter)

7.She gave me a Astronomers Book for christmas present and was trying to push me to take up Astronomy in Dec/April 2002. Funny that the lover is an astronomer!!

8. Destructiuon Day (DD).. August 2004 .. I don't love you and by the way .. I'm having an affair/realtionship/I'm running off for a new life with my lover/I'm taking your children.. thanks for the bad memories and two children (5) and (20 days old).

What can I say ..my life is destroyed and she is a rotten excues for a human being and mother!!

I agree that I have probably pushed her into OM's arms .. but is because of my love for her is more that I could measure.. You are all right that I should just forget about her for now and rebuild what is left of my life. If i walk away .. This man will take everything from me and smile !! I would feel even less of a man if I let this happen !! That is why I am fighting !!

Thanks
Mig