If my dh is having/had an affair?

I have asked my dh three times if he's having/had an affair. He keeps telling me no. My dh is always open and honest with me. Just something isn't right. KWIM?

First off I would have never ever dreamed he would. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that he would always be faithful to me. I would be more likely to have an affair than him. (which I haven't). My point is that it never crossed my mind until about a year ago. I found out from some friends he is always out with this female co-worker at lunch. I always assumed that they went as a group. But apparently sometimes they go alone.

Here is what has made me suspecious.

-First of all this really strong feeling like there is something not right about them.

-When we "ran into" this woman at a restaurant she was very uncomfortable around me. She wouldn't even acknowledge me or look at me.

-He was erasing his call log on his cell often. Then about three months ago my cell was dead and I took his. She text messaged him. (He was sick from work that day.) It said something like I'm going into withdraw without you here today. When I asked him he laughed about it and then got a irratated. Now no text messages. He no longer deletes his call log cause she doesn't call the cell.

-He had installed an IM on his work computer. I was at his job and saw it when I was checking my emails. Like it was open to sign in. He has never ever used an IM program.

-He took a business trip alone. I descided to meet him at the airport and surprise him. (He had drove and I had a friend drop me off so I could ride home with him.) The point is he wasn't expecting me. When he got off the plane she was on the plane too. He told me they had went to seperate locations and were booked on the same flight home?

-He started being in withdraw to me. Just acts like he would assume I not speak to him sometimes. Also he is complaining he is tired and never sleeps.

-He started sleeping on the couch because he said our bed was uncomfortable. I bought a new bed. Then he said it was me because I was fidgety.

Help me out here. Am I just way off base to be suspecious? I'm not looking for something to be wrong. Just this nagging feeling that there is something going on with her. What should I do?

Just wanted to add that I have read alot on this site. I started doing MB alone. About six months ago I started meeting all his ENs the very best I could. I've been doing better than I thought I could with the LBs. It's been very hard. My ENs are doing without but I'm hoping he'll come around soon.

Mb-lurker,

You know what denial is right?

I am sorry,it would appear to me that you are in it.I went back and read all your posts.Your WH is adept at keeping you at bay because he knows how to snow you and avoid the truth.

The biggest red flag here is that your WH and this OW were on the SAME plane and he tries to blow it off as that they were at different locations and booked on the SAME flight home?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

HELLO?!?!

There are so many red flags flying around that I cannot believe you don't see them(fog?).You should trust your gut feelings.They are,IMO,speaking to you loud and clear.

O

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I'm sure. Sorry you are here. If you are feeling like a doormat in Plan A then you need to re-evaluate your Plan A. Or go to Plan B. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Octobergirl - I think I am just looking for a shawdow of a doubt.

It's really hard not knowing for sure. He now has made that an off limit conversation. He told me to drop-it and not bring it up again. Please believe me that I'm not making a huge deal with him. I really tried to be there for him so he could open up and be honest w/me. I know something is bothering him. He is so withdrawn some days. I told him I we could not fix what was wrong if he cannot share with me.

John how can I start plan B with he won't admit anything is going on. Maybe it is denial on my part but it keeps going through my head "what if I'm wrong?"

mb_lurker,

You mentioned a cell phone. You should be able to get detailed calling information from your cell provider which would list both incoming and outgoing calls. I had to do this also and I did it online. Check with your cell phone provider and see if they can help you do this.

I've been amazed by the willingness of cell phone provider employees to help in situations like this. One employee that worked for a major provider commented that our monthly bill in question was huge compared to other recent bills and he asked if I knew why that was the case. I told him that I felt I knew exactly why and he calmly asked me why again and I calmly answered him with the truth. He felt so taken back by my response that he offered to take $25.00 off my bill. I told him it wasn't his fault that my wife had strayed. He insisted anyway so I said sure, go ahead and credit me $25.00. We talked a few more minutes and he commented that the $25.00 credit didn't seem to go through, so he placed the credit a second time. We continued to talk a few more minutes and he then commented that BOTH credits went through and that he would have to get a supervisor's approval to remove one of the credits. He said he didn't want to bother his supervisor with that. So he let both credits stand and he thanked me for my business. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Technology can be such an enabler! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

mb_lurker, one last comment. You wrote;

Maybe it is denial on my part but it keeps going through my head "what if I'm wrong?"

I think the most important question to be asked is, "what if you're right?" It appears obvious to me that your husband is pulling away from you both emotionally and physically. You need to confront him again and again. You are his wife and his behavior compels you to ask these questions so keep asking them and do not let up until you get satisfaction. You have every right to keep asking these questions because it's not acceptable for him to prefer the couch to your bed and you know it! Start MC without him if he refuses to go. He needs to make some honest and difficult choices and so do you. You're currently in limbo and that will only perpetuate your frustration and enable his behavior. Confront all of this immediately and don't put it off. The truth might devastate you, but until you have the truth you can never move forward to address any of the issues currently affecting your relationship. I wish you well. GN

You are not wrong.

MB,

No matter how hard you try to deny to your self that your H is having an A. Your instincts are correct. IMHO, it sure looks like he is.

Despite increasing evidence to the contrary, I was in denial for 8 months and didn't come out of the FOG until the A had died a natural death.

The red flags began with the PA when my H took a business trip and told me that he didn't know where he would be staying. DUH. From that point forward, I never knew what flight he would be on, where he was staying, and frankly, not how to contact him. (He never leaves his cell phone on unless he is making a call).

When on more than one occasion, I suggested I accompany him on a trip, he came up with multiple reasons why I shouldn't.

Starting at about the 4 month point in his A, he asked me to accompany him on a trip to a location I had no interest in going to, so I said no. This was about the point where he had come to the conclusion the A was a major mistake and was trying to end it. He naively hoped that I could somehow save him without finding out about the A.

Unfortunately, OW resisted and threatened to tell me so the A went on for 4 additional months. Meanwhile she LB'ed the He** out of him and by the end, whatever feelings he had for her in the beginning had turned to hatred.

Although I paided the cell phone bill which listed all calls each month, I never actually looked at his call record until after d-day. Boy did I feel stupid when I saw all of the calls to her.

I did note several suspicious charges on his credit card bill. Things like nights spent in bed and breakfast hotels (I mean who stays at a B&B on a business trip if they are alone), flowers, meals for two.

Although D-day and the period since have comprised the most painful period of my life, my FWH and I are taking steps to make our M A-proof until death do us part.

We are reading SAA, HNHN, and LB's together, they are helping both of gain each other's perspective on how and why this terrible thing happended to us.

You H may not be ready to end his A, so you need to take care of you. If you haven't read the books, do so. They will help.

Sorry this is happening to you, it is so hard. Remember that you are not in this alone.

Rather than continuing to confront him with the same information, which he blows off, I would suggest you keep quiet, but keep your eyes open for more concrete evidence.

If you have the money, hire a private investigator. If not, do some checking yourself.

Many folks here have had "success" using a voice activated recorder in his car or office.

I agree with others, that his actions speak louder than words.

If you want your marriage, play smart.

Just wanted to let everyone know I've read their replies and to say thanks. Thanks for sharing your situations with me. I will put this info to good use!