Hi MA, I want to add my two cents. Please keep in mind that I am bitter about a very similar situation, involving my best friend.

I am starting to feel exactly like you. If the person that you love the most in the world can hurt you with your bf, why are they worth the trouble.

I love my wife also very much, but each day I feel myself loving her less. When I think about the sex between her and my former bf, I get totally disgusted. I can't even make love to her without picturing the om in my spot.

People keep saying that we can get past this, and our marriage can be " better than ever". But as a man ( not to be sexist ), when your wife gives her body ( and in your case love ) to another man, it is almost like that woman has ruined herself and the marriage to a point beyond repair.

Sorry to be so bitter, but this is how I feel. Perhaps you are feeling the same way based on your threads..

"Why should I vs. starting anew?"

I have a different view than most of the folks here I suppose. I think you are asking the wrong question. You should not even be thinking about that yet.

If I were you, I'd want to understand what went wrong and why she cheated because at the end of the day the most important thing is for you to get out of this experience is to learn what you can so that in your future loving relationships, the same thing does not happen.

Sometimes people cheat because it just happens. Bad timing, unlucky circumstance. But more often the "His Needs..." book is right. Women cheat because there is something wrong in the relationship. You need to understand what if any responsibility you had so that it does not happen again.

Take care of yourself first. Learn what you can. Then figure out if you want to be with the lady.

Dear MA,

You are getting great advice. My $0.50 worth:

I don't know your faith background, but if you are Christian, ask yourself this: God forgives you (us) of EVERY sin, and we sin every day, all day long. He died for us, yet we betray that sacrifice daily. Does HE turn away in the face of constant betrayal? No. He loves and forgives - always. If you are Jewish, do you keep the Commandments? Always? If not, does God stop loving you b/c you broke them? You know the answer.

Religion aside, you have a long M. Don't you think it took a lot for your W of many years to resort to something so extreme, so repugnant as this? You need to look inward, to examine what it was within your M that caused it to get to the point where it was vulnerable to an A. It may sound harsh, but you bear some responsibility for the state of your M. All of us BS do.

Remember those words - "In sickness and in health---For better, for worse"? Well, right now your W is sick. You wouldn't abandon her if she had a substance addiction, would you? She is in the throes of an addiction worse than alcohol or heroin. She needs you right now. Be strong for her. Be the man she needs.

You are in terrible pain now. Believe it or not, that is going to get a lot better in the weeks and months to come, especially with the support you will find here.

You also need to call the OM's W. She deserves to know, and further she deserves to be able to heal her M. Further, right now the OM os getting away with it all. And there is also the question as to whether there is continued C.

You are right to be doing surveillance. She is not trustworthy now.

This is a difficult road. But, you can do it.

Good luck and blessings.
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me-FBW-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NCltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help

Wow, lot's of great, and much appreciated advice.

Des Man, I don't think I'm in the same place as you, but understand where you are coming from. I suspect you have been dealing with this longer than I. Certainly, I'm not to the point of a physical relationship again. I am not feeling my love lessen, but still in shock.

Also, I am a Christian and understand that I can forgive and will be forgiven.

As for this is really my fault, there is no doubt we have had issues over the years, but I do not think to the extent that would normally result in an affair.

She tells me it is due to the move. She was dreading it, and had plenty of time to dwell on it. We found out about moving in Sept 03, but could not move until the summer of '04. We believed our daughter needed to finish her HS senior year at her school. So, I commuted starting in Jan 04.

She told me she feared talking to me about it because she didn't want me to do something "stupid like quit." Granted, I would have if I knew it would have headed off an affair.

In the end, though, it was at the OM's initiation and her acceptance -- their individual and controllable behavior.

MA,

I am struck by your post:

""Also, I am a Christian and understand that I can forgive and will be forgiven.""

You can forgive? You CAN? Respectfully, no sir. Rather, you MUST forgive.

You are a Christian; you recite the Lord's Prayer regularly; that passage, "...forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...", I am sure you remember in Sunday School you were taught that this means that you ask God to forgive YOU in the same way you forgive others...INCLUDING your W. And, in due time, the OM, as well.

Is this hard to swallow?? Oh, my, YES! It is hard, really hard to forgive this betrayal. But, it is part of the healing.

You are thinking this is not going to happen. I tell you it is. And it is a rollercoaster ride. There will be peaks - days where things will feel great - and valleys - days that will be awful. And it takes a long time; experts say two years for Recovery to be complete.

You may say it's not worth it, the kids are grown, how bad would a D be at this point? D changes everything forever. Your daughters are going to get M, have kids. Every wedding, holiday, baptism, family event is going to be altered. And not in a good way.

Also, regarding this quote from your post:

""In the end, though, it was at the OM's initiation and her acceptance -- their individual and controllable behavior. ""

You are right. The A was the choice, the decision of your W and the OM. We, all the BS, live with this. But, it could just as easily have been you that had the A. We are ALL hard-wired for weakness. What if it had been you? Would you expect your W to kick you to the curb? Especially if she bore some of the responsibility? If she had made mistakes in the M that caused you enough pain that you felt this was your only way to relieve the pain? Or would you hope for, expect forgiveness?

As a FBW I know the sting, the agony, the rage that thinking of the A causes. I have seen the 'porn tapes' that play in your head, those awful visions of the WS and the OP. But, I also know my H was faithful to me for 18 1/2 years prior to the A, with many opportunities to cheat turned down. I know if I hadn't been taking him for granted, hadn't been putting him second (or third) in my list of priorities, hadn't been oblivious to the signs, the A would not have happened. And there were warning signs I ignored.

How about you? Were there warning signs you ignored?

Good luck, and blessings.
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me-FBW-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs 3 great kids - 19, 16, 10
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NCltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help

MA,

One more thing; you really should start a thread over on General Quuestions II. You will get a lot more help there.

Blessings.