Hello! I am new to MB's. I just found out 2 weeks ago my husband has been having an affair with a gal from his office. He's developed feelings for her since Jan of 2004 but only acted apon them over Dec 04 -Jan of 05. He'd text message her during the day & meet in the park after work for wine &kissing/hugging & talking. He'd call me and tell me he was working late and I'd believe him.

This gal has been a friend of mine too & has been invited over to our house several times. She too is married (22 yrs) and all 4 of us would do things together. I feel betrayed.

I guess she suffers from depression like my husband & he claims he could confide in her. There was kissing & hugging involved but no sex. (HE says) Part of me believes that but I don't want to be a dumbie again. Regardless, we haven't had sex in a year b/c his emotions have been tied up in her.

I asked him why he cheated? He had no answer for me b/c he knows I've always been there for him and never judged him. Perhaps I've been too understanding & never gave him my 2 cents worth. I did request we go to a MC to get to the heart of our relationship problem PRIOR to finding out about his affair. I thought things were getting better but only to find out that he's been lying the whole time we were in counseling b/c he was having and affair.

Now, he claims to want to work things out but I haven't seen much from him. No remorse. HE is seeing a counselor but says he isn't getting much from it.

They still work together. I can't trust him when he says he needs to stay after work to catch up b/c I know she's there. He hasn't shown me any signs of remorse and only gets angry when I ask him questions (which I don't do a lot of). HE says he feels like he's being babysat.

Here's the catcher. He was married before but his wife cheated on him so he knows what I am going thru. We've only been married for 2 yrs. I never thougth I'd be in this situation. I always told myself that if I was ever cheated on I'd leave. I feel I need to hold my ground and stick to my guns. But is that right?

What am I suppose to do? Tonight I am going to insit he find another job. I've made it clear to him that I will not be in a relationship with him & another woman. HE says he wants to work on things but I don't feel he's trying hard enough.

I really want to throw in the towel and call it quits but I've been advised to wait it out.

HELP ME!! I need direction!

TLC

Hello I-AM,

Welcome to the family...

The first thing that is recommended is read a lot and get aquainted with the MB principles.

I do believe you should stick your ground and not waiver about coming to a solution concerning work.

Recovery of a marriage will take some time, but is worth the tears and work. Many here swear that their marriage is better after the affair than before. Success stories like these take time, change and courage.

Stick around and I'm sure others will be along to offer more practical steps or possible solutions to your situation.

Sorry to see you hear this way but we are glad you are hear for help.

In His Grip,

Titleist

I AM, welcome to MB. So, you have been M'd two years and your H has been tied emotionally to OW for 1 year? I am so sorry, you must be very confused and hurt right now. Have you exposed OW to her H yet? What about the work place, have you exposed them to their bosses? Does OW work for your H? Read up on plan A/plan B. Become acquainted with Harley's basic concepts and keep posting. There are many wonderful people her that can help you through this.

Sending cyber hugs to you {{I AM}}

Welcome IATLC,

MB is a wealth of information at your fingertips. Please read as much as you possibly can to find out about the principles that MB uses and to familiarize yourself with the abbreviations.

Next thing you should do is decide if you want to work on your M or step out. If you really want to work on it (and I think you should) then you should buy the book Surviving An Affair and read it cover to cover. You will be going through some pretty heavy emotions for quite some time. Anytime you feel as though you don't know what to do post. Someone will eventually post back to you. This a great support site with lots of loving people here eager to help you if you want to help yourself.

It is a very difficult time just after finding out about an A. I also said if you ever cheat you are out and I had a very long year and a half to recovery now. So please take some time and let the A sink in before you make rash decisions. The first thing he needs to do is get a different job. There can be no contact (NC) what so ever between them ever again. Then after reading SAA you will see that he really needs to send a NC letter to her as well. Then if he is serious about working on the M try to get some counseling either through Steve Harley or a local MC office.

Please accept my heart felt sorrow for your situation and my hugs and prayers as well. I am sure that other experienced MBers will be along shortly to help you also.

HINY

Thank you so MUCH for all of your responses so far. I have been getting more familiar with Plan A & B and other info on this site. WOW! I've been so angry, fustrated & confused. I love my husband dearly & want to have a long life of happiness with him.

To answer some questions: Yes, the OW has been exposed to her H. In fact, her H is the one who caught on to the A first. My H's HR rep at work has been contacted too but not the head boss. My H manges over the OW and would more than likely lose his job due to politics. I did request last night that he find another job b/c there is no way I can start to rebuild trust in him as long as he sees OW everyday.

I am understanding more to why this A happened. The closeness of the OW and availability to talk about H depression that he suffers & problems at work.

I didn't set a timelimit on to when my H need to have a new job. Am I overstepping my ground if I do that?

You guys/gals are AWESOME!!

Thank you!
TLC

Glad to see you made it on after the gym.

I do believe there should be a reasonable amount of time given for him to secure a new job. If at all possible you will want him to be able to earn as close to his present salary. Financial strain can make the recovery process more of a challenge. If they continue to work together, his withdrawl from her will be delayed if not postponed all together.

I do agree that there should be a NC letter sent to her. One thing that is very important is that you read the NC letter and are happy with the way it's worded.

Read, read and read somemore. The people here are great and you will make some friends that you feel as though you've known them all your life.

Titleist

I wouldn't think so. Set your boundaries and make them solid as a rock.

My boundaries were NC at all ever, IC for atleast 2 months and no inappropriate R with other women ever.

Of course he called her twice on the phone after I set my boundaries, but when he realized that I wasn't kidding about them he didn't do it again. I found the phone calls on the internet cell phone bill and I confronted him by first saying "I dont think this is going to work out" he was pretty frightened thinking he had lost both of us all in a short amount of time. He then fessed up and got straight about stuff. We have come a long ways, but it is still very painful to think about too much. You can set whatever limits you want. I personally would do it as soon as possible. Every time he has contact with OW the A starts all over, the feelings wash over him and he wants more of her. It is not inappropriate for you to ask him to find a new job. Thankfully our OW quit her job 3 weeks after their last face to face encounter. I wouldn't have been able to recover if she hadn't.

Prayers.

HINY

Thanks HINY & Titleist for your quick responses today.

I DO need to set a time limit for him to find a new job but I know that it is going to be very difficult for H to find a job that pays the same around here. What would be a resonable amount of time? and what should I do if my requests aren't met? Should I tell him I am willing to sell our house and live in a smaller more affordable (apt. even) house if need be. He already refused to commute.

I still feel like he's fighting with me on getting help for us. I asked him to get an appointment with a MC today and he complained that it's one more thing he's got to do. That tells me his heart isn't in the right spot yet.

I have great suspision that he is STILL communicating with OW. I want to ask him if he's been truthful with me when he said he's cut off talking with OW. Then I want him to prove it to me by showing me his phone records & e-mail passwords/ accounts? I totally agree that the A will continue until there is 100% separation. I'm praying daily for that to happen! Thanks Titleist!!

Should I write OW a NC note & give it to her? Should I confront her in a calm manner & let her know that my H & i are working on our marriage?

HINY - you said, "I found the phone calls on the internet cell phone bill and I confronted him by first saying "I dont think this is going to work out" he was pretty frightened thinking he had lost both of us all in a short amount of time. He then fessed up and got straight about stuff."

IS this what I need to do? Or will that damage things further if I "snoop" into his accounts? Gosh knows I have the tools to get all the info I need.

I am so glad I checked in today after the gym b/c I was on FIRE... wanting to go in to H's work & do everything I've been thinking about. Glad I didn't.

Still in need of help, BUT thanking God for all of your support!
HUGS!
TLC

I AM, the NC letter needs to be written by your WH, approved by you and mailed together. You should not be contacting the OW at all. As for letting you have access to his cell phone records and email, yes absolutely ask him as "proof" of his NC. I am sorry the boards are going down just when you are getting some help. In the meantime, get Surviving An Affair to read or Torn Assunder. That will get you through the next couple days.

TLC - First things first. Welcome to MB. Though it's unfortunate that you are here because of infidelity, I am gladdened that you found this site and that Titelist can be a help to you.



I'll bet his heart "isn't in the right spot yet." It won't ever be "in the right spot" if that is what he is waiting for. It's going to take work and DOING what is necessary, in other words, it takes making a CHOICE no matter how or what we are feeling.


Of course the affair is still going on. Do you really think your finding out about it would end it just like turning out a light switch? They are just being more cautious right now to try and stay below the radar.

IF your husband has said that he wants to remain married and is willing to work on rebuilding the marriage, then he has to understand that extraordinary means are going to be a necessary part of that rebuilding. That means total OPENNESS and HONESTY. His life is TRANSPARENT (as should be yours also). NO secrets, everything is an open book. Secrecy is the playground of Affairs. The "light of Day," honesty, openness, accountability for time, etc. makes it impossible to conduct a "secret affair." Either the affair ends, or it is done "in the open" and "in your face." In that case, he should be shown the door and you go on without him. MARRIAGE [color:"red"] MEANS[/color] forsaking ALL others, a willing "giving up" of one's "right" to chase after anyone else who might stimulate or interest you.

Put it this basic way, if there is nothing to hide, snooping and answering questions should be welcomed to PROVE that what he is saying now is not a lie (like he's been doing for at least the last year). He has DESTROYED your trust in him and is a "proven liar." Only through complete honesty and openness can he EARN your trust back. You GAVE him your trust when you married, he ground it underfoot. Now he has to [color:"blue"]EARN [/color] your trust and you have learn to slowly give your trust back to him in response to his CHANGED behavior and attitudes.


[color:"red"]NO. [/color] YOU do not give the OW a NC letter. That is something that your husband needs to do. Understand that an "affair" crosses the friendship line and that line can never be reestablished. There is ONLY one solution to "affair proof" your husband's obvious weakness in this area and that is NO CONTACT with the OW for the rest of his life. That is the minimum that is "owed" to you and to the husband of the OW.

Yes, it most often entails having to find another job for one or both of them. In your husband's case, his company is also at risk for a lawsuit as a result of your husband's actions. To say that he was thinking with his "little head" instead of his "big head" is about the size of it, and of his reasoning abilities. He has made a "mess of it" at work also, and the penalties there could be severe also, no matter if the affair ends or not. Companies CANNOT allow employees to put the company at financial risk through prohibited behavior, and the basis of sexual harrassment is there since your husband is the OW's superior.

TLC, beyond that, I really can't comment further because I lack too much information about you, your husband, and your situation. You mentioned God in one of your posts so it's possible that you are a Christian. Is that right? If so, what about your husband? You've only been married 2 years and he's been cheating for half of your marriage? Why? How old are the two of you? Previous marriages? Children? Many questions, too little information to offer specific advice or suggestions.

I am very concerned, however, that you've only been married 2 years and it only took 1 year before the "honeymoon" ended and he sought another woman. I'm not buying the idea that you were NOT meeting his Emotional Needs to the point that his "Love Bank" drained (that normally takes a lot more time) and he sought fulfillment of his needs elsewhere. I think that there is another reason for his behavior and it does not bode well for your marriage.

How did the two of you meet? How long did you date before getting married? How long after his prior marriage ended did you meet and get married? Something, TLC, doesn't smell right about this.

IF you want to remain married to this man, it's going to take a lot of work and commitment by BOTH of you. No half-hearted measures will work. TOTAL COMMITMENT, or you are asking for continued problems in your marriage.

I look forward to reading more of your postings and getting to know more about you and your husband.

God bless.

I've been married nearly 30 years. Run now! If he follows run faster. If he really wants you he won't give up. If you decide to let him catch you set terms, demand honesty and good luck. If he gives up remember "he gave up when he started the affair" and left you first. Move on, find love and have a life.

I AM, are you ok? An update please?