I've pretty much posted my story in the General Discussion forum, but here's a quick rehash.<P>My wife (3 yrs in March) is having an affair with a coworker. It's right out of the book and although she says it's over, they are still good "friends". From SAA I pretty much know that this means the secret second life after discovery of the affair.<BR>Her work place is not much better and the people there party almost every night, and have introduced her to a lifestyle of daily drunkeness and drug addiction (BTW can someone enlighten me what "Grofie/Grufie" is? Supposed to be 5x stronger than weed).<P>Last night I asked her about whether or not she wanted to save the marriage, and let her know that I thought it was worth it and that I'd be there for her in this time, no strings attached. <BR>The good news is that all the pain and hurt she is giving me right now (all the love busters right across the board) is fueling my determination to make the marriage work and to observe the four rules.<BR>The bad news is that she does not want to give up her job as required by plan a. I pretty much also glean that the conditions that have to be met for plan a cannot be compromised on, but she told me that she isn't going under house arrest (as she puts it) just because some shrink says so.<P>I really don't want to start love busting by weighing out the value of her job vs the value of us.<P>I was hoping if you guys could help me out on how to get plan A into action once she admits that she wants to save the marriage or alternatives/other ways to achieve total seperation from OM.<P>Or have I misread the total seperation being a part of plan A?<P>Thanks

Mid,<P>I read your other post...<P>About Plan A...<BR>...you can't force your W to separate from OM<BR>...you can't force her to love you....<P>Plan A...<BR>...is about making changes in you regarless of what her reaction to Plan A is!!!<P>Check out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Also check out the thread... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>... and look in the <B>Plan A</B> section for some more insight!<P>The books... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank> "His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank> "Love Busters"</A> will help you alot!<P>Have you considered counseling...<BR>I would recommend anyone starting on any plan have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Love...<P> <P>Jim

Yeah, I would love counseling, I seriously can't afford it though. I would love to find out if there are any real support groups out there, in the Orlando FL area. I know there are probably many Christian support groups out there, but my personal experiences with them have always left me feeling worse and in a bad habit of shielding my thoughts to the extreme.<P>However the links you provided have been great and have allowed me to see that although many of us share different perspectives, the problems are always the same.<P>Thanks, and my hopes to everyone out there feeling the same way.

Hi Mid,<BR>Just a question, if you don't mind. You mentioned a book called Surviving an Affair and in it, you mention that is tells of the 'secret' life THEY continue, after discovery, can you please tell me more about that aspect of it? I can't get hold of that particular book as I live in Australia, I WILL continue looking for it but those words just struck me as pertinent to MY present situation. I feel that although my H swears blind that the affair proper is over, that they are NOW continuing a 'secret friendship'<BR>as neither one can entirely 'let go'.<BR>Please REPLY as I'm gettine desparate to KNOW what is going on in my life NOW!!!!<P>Thanks...SuzyQ

SuzieQAus<P>I am also Australian and ordered the book through this web site, clik on the "bookstore" and it will guide you on how to order.<P>Alternatively Borders bookstore in Chapek St Prahran in Melbourne will be able to order for you if they haven't a copy in stock.<P>regards<BR>Inlimbo

Thanks 'Inlimbo' I have actually ordered it through amazon.com ...so desparate am i to know if, the affair/relationship is more than I am being told (and is being secretly continued as an 'Emotional Affair'). He swears blind that the sexual side of it is OVER, but after 15months he still remains 'friends' with HER as they are work collegues and it " would make WORK very uncomfortable, if he were to be be rude or mean to her, at this stage." His words, not MINE..... and it's killing ME!!<BR>I have to cope DAILY with the knowledge that he is seeing her every day for at least 2 hours, she still calls him some days when she gets home from work, he & she still mobile message each other 'as friends' every other day, and I am expected to tolerate this casual contact for the sake of peace. HAH!<BR>HE also belives that no-one at work has figured it out...I don't think that either one of them was smart enough to hide their feelings for each other ALL of this time!<BR>I am so confused...I know I should implement plan B, as a way of testing the waters, as to which way this will end up going.<BR>At this point, I am just so tired & worn out, that I just want it to end, one way or the other.<BR>I still love him madly but if he will always be fretting for his lost love then, what use is HE to ME. Maybe, I should venture out on my own and find someone who is capable of LOVING just one woman, body & soul.<BR>I had that & I want it again!!!!!!<BR>Bye for now....SuzyQ

Suzie<P>Good to see you have ordered the book, another good one is "His needs Her needs" which also gives you a good insight in to why affairs begin and how to help affair proof a marriage.<P>With respect to your situation you should settle for nothing less that NO CONTACT.<P>Maybe suggest to him that you both have some counselling with the Harleys. There certainly should be no such thing as remaining friends with the OW.<P>Best wishes<BR>Colin