As I write this it is hard to beleive I was first here almost on year ago in March...<P>I have been in PLAN A for 11 Months...<P>She has been GONE and living with HIM since JUNE 11th...<P>She still has a lot of things here... but once a month has made trips to get them....<P>It will be 5 More months before the D is final... June Also... One year to the DAY I found out for sure she was cheating....<P>I have read everything under the sun on the subject.... yet CANNOT reach her...<P>She Knows I am PLAN Aing... Not by NAME.. but she Knows the EFFECT, so she aviods me and tries to make each encounter Difficult...<P>Although less so the last two months....<P>As she aclimates herslef to this NEW LIFE.... and begins to settle down from her wild running around... so does her temper...<P>I still believe, that Unless the Lord be in it, they labor in vain that buildeth it... so I pray for division to fall into that relationship...<P>But so far.... 11 Months and it is STATUS QUO...<P>She LIES to ME about how FINE they are... when Others give me different reports...<P>She Lies to HIM about the fact we still Talk... and HOW are relationship WAS and is...<P>He is a total Scumbag, in and out of jail, woman beater, convict, seasonal construction worker....<P>I dont see what she sees.... But she has NO REALTIONSHIP with God right now... FRUITLESS...<P>and her MOUTH spews forth all manner of profanities....<P>To see such a change is Truly th MOST Disturbing part of all this,...<P>SO I am posting this... as my Record.,...<P>NOTHING has changed in all this time...<P>I get to plan A for 120 minutes a month...<P>And the Trial Date is JUNE 2001....<P>I told her directly... SHE is the one who left and she needs to FILE everything,... I wont make ONE STEP in that direction...<P>SHE seems to be planning on Buying a House Now... And has all these plans from SPACE...<P>None of which Conform to reality...<P>So far the LORD has been providing me with SO MANY Blessings and Grace...<P>Yet the ONLY thing I want is to see this TINY TINY ember grow....<P>Right now... I protect it from the HURICANE of SIN which Rages around her...<P>To those of you out there... remember the words of Winston Churchil...<P>NEVER<P>NEVER<P>NEVER....<P>NEVER Give Up<P><P>------------------<BR>

I was wondering where you've been...<P>The story is oh so similar to mine...<P>Your fortunate to get that 120 minutes...<BR>...mine was about 30 minutes (if I was lucky)...<P>The profanities, in my W's case too, were to be unbelieved!<P>Hang tough...<BR>...keep strong to Plan A as best as possible.<P>When your time for Plan B comes...<BR>...don't think of it as "giving up"...<BR>...think of "giving <B>it</B> up to God"!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>I was wondering where you've been...<P>The story is oh so similar to mine...<P>Your fortunate to get that 120 minutes...<BR>...mine was about 30 minutes (if I was lucky)...<P>The profanities, in my W's case too, were to be unbelieved!<P>Hang tough...<BR>...keep strong to Plan A as best as possible.<P>When your time for Plan B comes...<BR>...don't think of it as "giving up"...<BR>...think of "giving it</B> up to God"!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Its a long cold winter Jim...<P>"they" are going to buy a house... she has no credit.. no reputation... no living life... and still has a talk which is so profoundly absurd...<P>nothing makes sense...<P>i have been to many 'help groups'...<P>I relate more to those who have a loved one with cancer or a sever disability..<P>most of the betrayed I have met, really cant go on very long or gave up...<P>yet the ones whos loved one is still gone, and phyically have less odds of ever having a relationship, hold on..<P>I relate to them <P>I cant ever imagine going to a plan b...<P>i can imagine that she wont see me or speak or think of me for a long long time... years...<P>but I cant, at this hour, imagine ever losing hope or faith or love...<P>I thought the longer it went on the less I would feel...<P>100% oposite..<P>100%<P>Every hour... ever Day... My resolve strengthens...<P>as long as we both shall live... I guess it means something to me...<P><p>[This message has been edited by Labix (edited February 09, 2001).]

Labix~~~~<P>You are one amazing dude! Too bad you're wasted on someone who does not appreciate your beauty!<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Hi Labix,<P>Just read your Feb. post. Printed it and will read it in detail.<P>Would like to "dialogue with you" regarding Plan A. Very important.<P>Could I have your e-mail add?<P>Timing could be very imp. to me now.<P>Talked with Dr. Harley, S. Harley.<P>My situation is too late for a inhouse plan A.<P>Would be long distance. They say do it.<BR>Nsr/Jim says do it. <P>REad my post on Plan A/Plan B. <P>Would like to hear from you.<P>Thanks, Liz

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by elo:<BR><B>Hi Labix,<P>Just read your Feb. post. Printed it and will read it in detail.<P>Would like to "dialogue with you" regarding Plan A. Very important.<P>Could I have your e-mail add?<P>Would like to hear from you.<P>Thanks, Liz</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ouch, sorry I have not been back here for a while. If you would still like to this is may aol screen name and address.<P>FYI to the world. No change, No replys. She quite going to counceling, even the one sided sham it was, I guess it was making her feel too guilty, she is always trying to drag me into a fight.<P>Our talks are now, 15 minutes, by phone on the 14th of each month, were she calls to make sure I am paying her debts.<P>We "agreed" I would take all the debts and she would just walk away and sign over the house and truck and most of the stuff.<P>Since she charged thousands of dollars on her binge last year, it will be hard to pay on them all with one salary and i have struggled, so she uses that as an excuse to berate me.<P>My councelors all say that is her way of improving her own self esteme and justifications. But that as long as I can keep detached from the arguement and talk straight facts without getting defencive, she wont ever be successful as having a real reason for her anger.<P>So, I am still doing it. It is so hard because she always begins the chat like the thousands we have had and enjoyed; but then suddenly turns them. It hurts like the betrayal all over again.<P>Never could I have imagined such a horror. Hollywood special effects cant even come close to this kind of pain.<P>I always feel like ending it during those calls. Yet I have a month nearly with no contact in which to remember why it is a wait.<P>They are still in a fantasy. Time is realities ally. Patients is my goal. One day at a time.<P>I have accuired such a profound respect for those who have a terminal spouce. They have the strength to go on, and usually with less odds than I have, so I recomend any of those greiving books or support groups. Especially for those of you who follow the advice of the good prime minister winston churchill. never never never never never give up.<P>This is the news. DV day is June 11th. One year from the "D" discovery day and the day she filed originally. I have held on that long. Perhaps more. Since she has no lawyer and she hasnt actually written up her decree. I have... both. But my lawyer is strictly informed that we do not file no matter what. If she does not have it done before the dates set by the court, I will move for a continuance.<P>It will not make her happy. It is a love buster. But frankly both accounts are bone dry. I just continue to honor her bad checks without thought of the price. = )<P>But, tonight, which is why I am up at this ungodly hour, i cant sleep. She intendes to stop by and talk about our taxes.<P>it's 80% likely she will call and cancel. And reset at least twice.<P>if she keeps the date it is both good and bad. it means that she is serious about ending this at last, but yet it also means that the honeymoon with them is over. because up to this point she has never been able to stop by on an evening because she then has to tell HIM what is going on. <P>And everything they have is built on her lies. In the whole last year she has never once kept a 7pm meeting. I hope this one too follows that suit.<P>I expect a 9am call trying to reschedule it. I will go for Thursday night 7pm. heheheh = )<P>Delay delay delay. Give reality its time to show her what she is doing...<P>OK thats is my monthly vent.<P>Those which wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...<P>Peace<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>

I can't help but think you'd be better off in plan B. So easy for me to say, who is not going through what you are, but plan B sounds like the next logical step.<BR>God Bless<BR>

= (<P>Plan B time...<P>There is nothing left. After year of councelling and 4 different divorce groups, i have accepted the fact that she is one of those types unwilling to change. the real struggle comes in trying to understand why I was attracted to such a disfunctional person and how to avoid a repeat, since I still list off her traits I admire to which my councelors all shout AHHHHHH.<P>Tomorrow at noon we will file the final papers... I knowm i ahve swarn all along that I would stall again and again to avoid the D, but it is getting me nowhere, she is living a whole new life and has been for more than a year now with no sign of regret, remorse, tears, pain, nothing. She is happy, and totally normal in outward appearance.<P>She is however nothing like the woman I knew and married. How people can change or role play like this I will never understand, but her old life, habits, style, likes, plans, etc, are all gone. 180* turn.<P>This is also the very first post I have written hear without crying. I just feel a sad closure, but not the bitter sad lose and deep greiving.<P>I cannot say I love her, because "she" has been gone for a long long time and I have really only a rose colored glass memory of who she was or who I thought she was or perhaps who she only pretended to be... who knows and I will never know for sure...<P>In any event, I am Plan B untill the new chapter of the book gets written.... there is no reason for any communication after the D anyway, we have no kids, she took all she wanted, I have all the bills, and we share no goals or interests anymore and will probably, even in a small city of 100,000 never run into each other. I mean we only ran into each other Once in the 27 years before (ie when we first met). so the odds of never seeing her again, when she lives just across town are fairly good.... except.<P>My plans were to always run for office. She may vanish from my radar, but she will still see me and always know where I am and what I am doing. We were a fairly high visability couple. I havent changed. I still make the news once a month for something.... (politics was how we met and what we shared, until she changed)<P>Anyway I really am rambling, but this is my only "journal"<P>Im going to have to throw out most of the things she left here, or have her dad come and get them.... It is time to begin to move on... Ive been holding on to a dream, illusion or maybe even a lie for too long...<P>Its funny to read my way older posts.... Because I remember the pain when writing them, but I remember it like I remember a favorite movie, not as if it actually happened... Anyone have any thoughts on that? Its not what I expected to feel... its very 3rd person and detatched... remote... sure it is way less painfull, but I guess I thought "love" could be held tighter, more personal... It truly is fleeting... thats sad...<P>Maybe I do not have the fight in me any more?<P>Maybe it is the 6 5 minutes we have had this year in the last 100 days were all her being mad about being broke and why was I having such a hard time keeping all the bills (she lefy me but is still on them) timely?<P>Money Money Money... I have no other use to her...<P>I have 1/2 of the income and 100% of the expences and I do struggle and she does get calls at work from the bill people and then feels the urge to call and berate me...<P>Plan A under these condictions does not exist... Im not even sure plan B does... This might be plan D and Let go and Let God...<P>There is nothing else left to do.... so in about 9 hours, it will be over and I will be single... and I imagine she will marry OM very very soon thinking that will be the thing she has been missing for her happiness...<P>But she having totally rejected God, Godly council and truth... is doomed and there is nothing I can do to stop it... and it is too much to sit back and watch it happen anymore...<P>So to borrow a phrase...<P>I give her the Long Kiss Goodnight....<P>=``(``

We signed at 1:10pm CST Thursday. Ive been crying mostly sine then. Only now some 14 hours later can I even thing enough to write this note.<P>I am single. Hell, I type it, but it sounds foreign. What does it mean? Am I "really" single? The Christian churches are all split on the answer. And I have no peace on it, so, I guess in some respects I am not. <P>Greif and numbness.<P>She only today after it was signed said the 2 phrases.<P>She said.... Im so sorry <BR>And she said.. I love you...<P>She started to cry and then quickly turned away and left.<P>Damn... she knows, but cant even bring herself to deal with one tiny part of reality.<P>Well I pray now that she doesnt marry the fool. Maybe now he will take off the mask and she will see reality...<P>Maybe I live in la la land and she intends to live this lie or another lie forever...<P>In either case... I still don't believe that she was always this way... She did change... and she could change again... if only...<P>OK it's after 4am and I am wiped out... and I think I am tired enough to fall asleep...<P>This day wasn't as bad or as long as the "d" day... even tho this was the other D day.<P>OK I digress.... I think I will move over to the DV forum... Who knows... We will still see each other and talk very very very breifly... So I can Plan A for a few minutes a month...<P>LOL<P>God Bless ya all<P>

Labix,<P>You have my condolences...<BR>...if is very much like a death...<BR>...and in most cases much worse!<P>Do come over to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A> forum...<P>...and about Plan A...<BR>...it's time to migrate over to Plan B!<P>Hey...<BR>you haven't heard it often enough...<BR>...but... <B>you are loved too</B>!<P> <P>Jim

Hi,<BR> After I read your post, I wonder why do bad things happen to good people? I am sorry to hear that divorce is getting finalized soon. I am also in a similar situation. I think I am coping better. Perhaps I can summarize some points I got from my pastor, counsellor etc.. which helped me cope with the situation.<P> If you are person of faith, this experience will help you to come closer to God. Only God is reliable. All human relationships can change quickly based on emotions, interests, finances etc.. Even your kids in whom you may invest a lot of your time and energy and sacrifice a lot for, may blame you for your few mistakes rather than the thousands of good things you did for them. We have to keep it all in perspective.<P> There are other approaches to surviving an affair for example Tough Love by James Dopson. There is a lot of similarities between that and PlanA/Plan B; but here the betrayed spouse tries to regain the respect of the other spouse by letting the wayward spouse go. In some ways it is like Plan B. An extremely onesided remote Plan A will just hurt you more, reduce your self-respect and reduce the respect the other spouse has for you. There is a saying that if you truly love someone or something you should be able to set it free. If it is truly worthwhile it will come back to you freely.<P> We may also be looking at our spouse through rose colored glasses to justify that we were wise in selecting a mate. There is a story of a serial child-molestor-rapist-killer who was turned in by his wife. Apparently the wife tried to "fix" the husband after first discovering the problem. She took him to counselling first, then even tried to help bury the bodies. This went on for several years before the wife gave up on the sick guy. This is a great time to learn to look at yourself, your spouse and others that you meet without rose colored or dark colored glasses, and really understand what makes different people tick.<P> The saddest thing for me is to know that my lack of wisdom in the early years of my marriage and my workaholic tendencies cause my daughter to have a broken home. It still bothers me, but I realize now that you can only do the best you can from now on for her. Sometimes relationships are too far broken to be put pack together. You certainly cannot put it back together yourself, however committed you are to it. You can give it time. Some people make radical changes in their life for reasons that you cannot understand. It may even be very obviously counter-productive from your standpoint. Perhaps there is some payback emotional or otherwise which for the wayward spouse that we cannot see. All counselling is based on the assumption that people act rationally in their self-interest in the long term. This may not apply in some circumstances.<P> I hope this was of some help. Remember when a door closes another opens. Sometimes may new doors open. Choose a good door and move on.<P> God bless.<P>Kazak.

Well, I might still post in the DV forum, but this is my thread and I do like the group here. So here is another update.<P>I got a letter from her. Well actually a posty note and a stack of bills. Point being it was not a call or in person. That is a change in how she operates.<P>She has never mailed anything before. So I can assume it is because she doesn't want contact live. But I havent got any reasons why the change. Only wild speculations on both extremes.<P>Its been one week since we signed. I don't feel any different. I still want to plan A.<P>Oh well. Just a note. This is my only real diary or log of it all.<P>Peace<P>

Wish I had your strength. In the two months since I found out about the affair all I can thing of are ways in which to kill the [censored] who stole my true love. I have tried in that time to plan a, but have a difficult time staying the course.<P> I suffer from the pain so damn much that I let it get to me. Then I ask all the stupid questions we all have felt at some point. I always ask myself why did I do that? Just when things were going good. <P> I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY! Drowning in my self pity. This is worse than anything I have ever been through. How I wish I could hate the B**ch. <P> After reading what you have went through for the past 1+ year I am very discouraged. Don't think I have that kind of strenth. And my wife is still living with me. Although she has mentioned a "short seperation". I fear that would be the end of 'us' if I were to agree. <P> What a frigging whimp I am. I know this is not true but it is how I feel most of the time. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jdmac1:<BR><B> Wish I had your strength. What a frigging whimp I am. <BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am so sorry. But let me be totally clear. I do not have this strength. I fail at it every day sometimes hourly. But I return the Cross and place my total faith in the promises of Jesus Christ. Because if this whole "affair" taught me one thing it is that I have zero control over zero on my best day and less on my worst days. I dont mean to say let go and let god lightly, but right now, you need Jesus 24x7. Nothing else can even numb the pain, let alone cure it.<P>as an update: No change in intensity. only in duration and frequency. One thought about her and bam it all returns just as powerful as ever. Only it no longer lasts for hours. Sometimes it lasts only 5 minutes and then I seem to forget it again. some times for a whole day. <P>As it has real only been 2 weeks since the div was final and signed and I have has no contact, I guess that isnt much time by which to judge such intense feelings, and I do continue to go to my councelor and divorce care (tm) support group. But the level of pain, sorrow, hurt, helplessness, etc etc is 100$ unabated. That is what is surprising. <P>It is 4am and I am going to bed, but I woke up after a dream about her and cried. prayed and then posted this.<P>Thats another funny thing. The dreams. The whole 8 years I don;t think I ever had dreams about her. At least that I could remember. My dreams are always odd little things that do not make sense. I never dream about day to day, life kind of dreams. Until the last few months. <P>I recall I had one dream and thought it was real until I woke up. Then weeks went by then another. then just last week, now tonight.<P>And all of the dreams are happy times, fun, even passion. And so damn real. Usually when I dream I have this half awake sense that I know I am sleeping and dreaming. But not these. I wake up going WOW I want to go back to sleep!!<P>Oh well I am sure I am not making much sense, but like I say this is my log so I can read this months form now and go... Hmmm<P>Good night and God bless you all, I know you need it.<P>

I forgot when I was last here, it seemed like a long long time ago, and I see by the date it was 5 days. Interesting... Well at least I can go 5 days now without a huge break down where I cry so bad all I wanna do Is come here and post it down for alog and hope to pick up a spare prayer or two.<P>Havent heard from her at all. Nothing. Zippo. Dust in the wind...<P>And I now legally have all the bills. Whata fricken mountain this is to move.<P>And all she left me was a spoon to move it with...<P>Hmmm<P>Well that is what it feels like... But I know... Get on my knees and fight like a man....<P>I will tell the mountian to cast itself into the see...<P>But right now my faith feels weak... tired... soooo tired and sad.... Oh well its 3am and I might get to sleep sometime... its all messed up. I am not on anything close to normal sleep cycles...<P>anyway... I thought it had been longer than 5 days.. funny..<P>I hope I dont come back until at least 7 days, next time...<P>Peace<BR>

Labix, you are in my prayers. <BR>I also want to say that you are an encouragement to me and I'm sure many others. I'm no prophet, but I just can't help but feel that there is hope for you and your situation. "HE" is faithful, and he answers prayer. I'm not sure where you are right now (Plan A/B), but I would encourage you to stay faithful to the cross. The blood that was shed there has the power to resurrect even that which may seem dead to us.<P>Blessings and peace!<BR>

Your pain and suffering has been far greater than many men would dare to endure!! I myself hope that I am not tested that far, I could only hope that I would have the strength and love and patience that you have shown us all, you are truly great man and you are in my prayers, i know that something good HAS to come of this... I myself have only been away from my wife for 28 days but I can already feel the pain and although I cannot imagine my ordeal going on as long as yours I have taken strength in that I have found someone who feels as strongly as I do... I wish the best for you from bottom of my heart please let GOD continue to carry you where ever this journey leads you!!!<P>god bless you!!!!!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Labix:<BR><B>I forgot when I was last here, it seemed like a long long time ago, and I see by the date it was 5 days. Interesting... Well at least I can go 5 days now without a huge break down where I cry so bad all I wanna do Is come here and post it down for alog and hope to pick up a spare prayer or two.<P>Havent heard from her at all. Nothing. Zippo. Dust in the wind...<P>And I now legally have all the bills. Whata fricken mountain this is to move.<P>And all she left me was a spoon to move it with...<P>Hmmm<P>Well that is what it feels like... But I know... Get on my knees and fight like a man....<P>I will tell the mountian to cast itself into the see...<P>But right now my faith feels weak... tired... soooo tired and sad.... Oh well its 3am and I might get to sleep sometime... its all messed up. I am not on anything close to normal sleep cycles...<P>anyway... I thought it had been longer than 5 days.. funny..<P>I hope I dont come back until at least 7 days, next time...<P>Peace</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WOW... I'ts been more than 30 days... That is what my "doc" says is emotional recovery.<P>But there has been only partial contact, calls for debts, pets and the like. But its all still her MAD... I do not get that... WHY is she still angry ? We are not married... I took all the bills (sure I am not current with them - tough).<P>But she still puts in the same manipulative BS I put up with for years... and still no sign of the person she was..<P>But when I hung up the phone, it did hit me...<P>My lovely wife is no more.<P>Gone... Dead... vanished..<P>All that life.. all that love... ALL GONE.. poof.<P>Although I no longer weep daily or even weekly now... it hit me JUST as hard...<P>Im sure you all know the feeling... you cant breathe.. all your imaged flassh before your eyes and the mind and spirit totally incapable to deal with in and you fall to your knees weaping and praying and cursing oaths...<P>I wish I could say the pain lessens... but it does not<P>The only thing the years have done, is reduce it from 24 x 7 the first few days... into once a more than amonth a year after.<P>It was ironic, in the phone call she sensed that I was not open with her and she asked me striaght out what it was I wanted.<P>I told her.<P>I said, if you want my opinion. The first thing is you need to turn your heart back to God and humbly seek repentance.<P>You need to seekout a Godly councelor to deal with your inner pain, the pian you are temporarily covering with your adultery.<P>You need to commit to a church authority. Find one, go, confess and walk right again.<P>You need a spirital accountability partner. An older woman to teach you.<P>You said... "I see"<P>and then "we'll thank you sharing, good bye"<P>I dunno...<BR>Did I plant seeds?<P>Did I waste my time?<P>WHAT is GOD doing?<P>I have no clue....<P>But he's driving... Im in the passinger seat and trying to not look as scared as I am.<P>Pax<P><BR>

sorry for all those typoes. I was crying and couldnt see the screen and keyboard.<P>Ive been up all night, Im tired and I am going to try and get a few Zzzz<P>Peace<P>

45 days...<P>It does get better... The last time was July 8th.<P>Funny, I read my old posts and It doesnt quite seem like I had that much pain. Must be a good sign. But she called today. Just to yell about the biills.<P>I took them all so she could have her "newlife" but I cant keep all of them current and when she gets a notice, she goes off...<P>Its still painful to hear her voice and sense the pain and anger mostly at herself that she projectes on to me and I assume anyone around her.<P>I still cry and try to get off the phone before I show that as weakness.<P>She is still totally lost in this new lifestyle... and that hurts... so deeply.<P>But I can go weeks now without it on my mind. Only her calls bring it on now.<P>Still I send my prayers for her every day. But she shows no signs of life...<P>The sadest thing is... I find it hard to rememeber how we interacted before... I find that now after almost 18 months... that me feelings are more for her pain than the loss...<P>Its funny how we use the word funny to discribe such pain...<P>Oh well... this is my log...<P>Peace to you all...<P>