532 days since I was last here.

I had forgoten this forum mostly in the last year and half.

I'd like to say plan A worked. It didnt.

Id like to say I am in plan B... but there isnt one.

This is plan C for crazy.

Let me continue... for any who care search the archive for my nic *labix* and there are 47 old posts.

Imay read them again for the first time in more then a year. I made them of course to document the changing me so the new me could see the wreckage trail and maybe something would make sense.

So far I feel like nasa... I have no idea why it blew up. but everyone is dead.

I last posted in the fall of 2001. August.

I met a girl. Yeah, that does happen. LOL

Just friends and 2000 miles away on the other coast.

After 6 months of chat, calls, etc we desided to meet. I had the thoughts of... hmmm might this be something?

It wasnt. And we are just friends still... although we do not talk anywhere near daily anymore. You know how that goes.

That "relationship" (hate the word) kept me away from here and focused on other things. I had lots of work and time flew by.

In January when I got back from the vistit, my business partner and I took off to work on the other other coast for 6 month.

It was a 24 x 7 job and I never looked back at this forum.

But while I was there the X sued me for being late on some payments. forced me to come home and answer her charges.

The court through it out but not after it cost me 10K in fees and the lost of my job.

It was the ugliest divorce post divorce BS I could have imagined and it totally killed any feelings I had left.

She did it intentionally, perjury and vindictively.. I guess my "moving on" with life and being happy pissed her off.

She is full of rage and threatens me in emails now every week. Of course that she cost my my good job and cut my pay in half does not help matters any, but then she has invented 100% of the situation... intentionally.

I wish I could understand what happend to her.. I see no trace of the old... I used to... it used to hurt so much to talk to her... well it still does which Is why I have insisted on emails now...

it also covers my bum for court... she will sue again and again and it will take me years to paty off alll this debt. I hate the thought of bankruptcy... but I may have no choice. I think she is trying to force me there so she can feel some satisfaction.

I dont get it.. not at all. Ive learned so much here, and in the books.. and support groups and counceling..

But in all the things it says to watch out for.. I cant imagine that I could have seen any of them... this person isnt remotely like the one I married 10 years ago...

Not a trait... not a thought... not a deed. Unrecognizable. that still hurts... over 6 years ago she changed... over 2 years ago she left... and she still haunts my life and has me in economic bondage..

And with ruined credit I cannot borrow to pay her off and be rid of any excuse... or risk.

Is this a rambling mess?

LOL... what made me come back here and post? Oh yes... my business partners son... he moved in here while we were away those months and house sat... then I came back... and he stayed to finish college..

He moved out last weekend... 4 days ago...

and that is the trigger... I am alone, broke, still dealing with the mosr vicious X and it just brought back all the old memories...

I will say this for you newbies...

The pain hanst dimmed... not at all... but the times that you dont think about it goes from minutes to months...

But right now.... I cant tell you that she didnt walk out yesterday... it hurts that bad... I know an hour from now I may not thing about it again for days or weeks...

But I am stunned at the impact the emotions have yet so many years later... I keep wondering If she was gone gone... not attacking me... no threat... would that help?

Is it the activity that reopens the wound? Or does it never fully heal?

The one thing I will say in closing... is the same thing Winston Churchill said 60 years ago... Never never never give up...

If she were to suddenly find her right mind... get her self right with God... I would be here. Though I do not harbor as much hope as I once did... the will is as resolute as it ever was.

Regards,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Labix:
<strong>As I write this it is hard to beleive I was first here almost on year ago in March...

-----

To those of you out there... remember the words of Winston Churchil...

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER....

NEVER Give Up

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now that is comfort. I did not read this before I posted. I did a search to find this thread and it opened up on page 2. And I wrote my page two on the cuff..

Its been almost 3 years now... and I ended the post tonight with the EXACT SAME WORDS...

HAHAHAHA

The tears of pain are now mixed with tears of joy... for in three years... THREE YEARS... it staggers my mind to concive of it... but I have indeed remained true..

WOW... Praise God.. what a sign !!

I dont think I will be able to sleep for a while now... emotional over load...

Staggering...

I had to walk away and pray a second before continuing this post...

Utterly unreal... 3 years and Ive not actually moved... Indeed that is THE ROCK I must be standing on... nothing else could possibly explain it...

If this wasnt a second wind... Ive never seen one.. DAMN and there are no words... I have headache pounding and such tears..

Havent had a cry like this in a LOOOOONG time..

What in the world made me come back here.. open a post... says whatever was on my heart and then have it match.. WORD FOR WORD..

If I wasnt typing this out I might think it was contrived!

Its like some movie script.. sureal.. LOL

Pardon the rambling but I must capture this.. Lord whatever you are doing... I have no understanding but I couldnt have had a clearer sign that YOU are doing something wild...

unreal... just over th top out of this world..

Plan C alright... but let me amend that to C for Christ... this ball wasnt knocked out of the park tonight... it left the solar system.

Hello old old friends and sadly new ones... Its been a LONG LONG time since I first hit this forum... and its been over a YEAR since my last post.

Feb 2003 to be exact.... And this now Oct 2004.

2004 !!

I came here in winter of 2000/2001... nearly 4 YEARS ago...

The journey has been nearly 1,500 days....

It staggers the mind to think in such terms.

Those are the first thoughts that come to mind... time.

Time heals...

Hmmm

Whoever said that was VERY VERY OLD...

And not too bright Id venture to guess...

Time only dulls and dims...

The intensity... the impact... the force of the blow never changes....

Well, OK... it does slightly lessen... slightly.

I can sit here and type this only on the VERGE of tears rather than IN tears...

Mere percentages.... it still SUCKS BAD... It still hurts...

Barry Manilow was right in his song "Even Now".

Thats become my theme song.

Oh, Im a realist... the mariage... the relationship... so far past long gone that it would be God doing an old testament type miricle...

But, life goes on... and 1,500 days is a LONG LONG time...

4 Years...

Well, in the last 18 months... here is the laydown.

Ive worked on several different campaigns, my business has been fair... nothing great... enough to get by on... not enough to pay any of the debts....

I finally lost the House I tried to keep...

Trust me on this one folks... if you are thinking about HOLDING ON TO STUFF based on hope...

DO NOT !!

Sell it!

Down size!

Sell the expensive car or house... it will HAUNT you if you do not. Right now if you read this and think "noooo" YES YES YES !!

Hey... Im not bitter... truly... its just sound advice.

I wish I would have started the recovery sooner.

Having sort of dated about 6 different ladies since the divorce.... Ive learned that this mess does really mess you up.

It makes trying to have a new relationship so complicated with the feelings and traps and bad habits from years of neglect and miss dealings...

There is a girl now who I really like....

Cant say Love...

But, she is soooooo exactly like my wife... and Im attracted to her for the same personality traits.

She is far more deeply into the Lord....

She is a stronger person...

She has a stronger will...

Its like 10X....

Yet... I can't seem to find the spark...

I feel empty... 1 dimentional... we're just friends and the connection is even somewhat strained because of the funny feelings I have and I say things that come from deep roots of pain and then 2 seconds after.... Ouch, realise Ive thrown down tacks on the road of the relationship...

Man... that sucks even worse...

I mean you pray and pray for a certain type of person... and I pray detials...insane details...

Like the name, age, ocupation, and then the personality...

And then POOF exactly there she is !!

And what happens?

The hull breach from the 4 year old war cant hold the water pressure and it gets massive flooding.

Soooo... not only then do I have the old emotions to deal with... but the new ones and then the ones caused BY the old...

So I was searching the net looking for "how to date again when you have hang ups" sort of forum and ran across this one... and figured I should re-read and update.

And see if my ramblings might be of some use to someone else....

I know this... the whole afair, betrayal, divorce, recovery process.... it takes a LONG LOMG TIME and after 4 years I still dont feel even close to normal... and that truly complicates things...

God Bless ya all.

The cronical continues...

It is now Jan 2005...

The new relationship is hot and cold. I still havent figured it out. But the one thing that is so abundently clear is the overwhelming hand of the Almighty.

Lets recap... In Oct last year, maybe 100 days ago... it was "uncharted" waters.

In that 100 days I purposed in my heart to follow the rules the good Dr and Good Lord put out... Basically to LOVE without condition and let the fruit of it bear witness of itself as eveidence...

Well well well...

It has been amazing... We really started to soul bond... the feeling was nearly there... deeply and I was going to... when she returned in a week... Mid Jan... suggest that we explore our relationship more fully, more spiritually, and I felt as if she would be ready for this.

I was right... and wrong.

3 days ago... she really shocked me with one of the most unChristlike juvinille remarks -- the gist of which was that I wasnt moving fast enough in the spirit.

It was no gentle rebuke...

It wasnt a "I am feeling this or that"

It was YOU FAILED AND IM MAD...

And it really caught me off gaurd...

I always thought that you grow in love... slowly and maturely... And while she has such gifts and truly I believe seeks after the Lord.... this one is a heavy hit.

Im truly grateful to God that he has prepared me for such... if this kind of blindsided assult would have happened a year ago.. even 6 months ago... Id have really been knocked down... as it is... I am able to see the Strength of Christ abiding all things...

And even tho she has withdrawn significantly and that makes the whole effort that mush more dificult... I have faith that the Lord is working something here that is beyond my understanding.

Truly the tragedy that was betrayl and divorce was only a lesson for a greater glory, and the harvest of which is sooo close I can KNOW it is drawing near...

Truly TRULY I have learned to rejoyce at these tribulations and to be content in all things... and this relationship, is evidence of those things hitherto unseen and the very substance of all the things I have long hoped for.

Be of GOOD CHEER !!