Dear L, <BR>thanks for you are still here, I desperately need a friend who understands, who cares, who knows what I feel - and nobody who didn't get through can't understand.<BR>I'd simply copy my letter to r Harley, and I wrote on this site and on D/D site so you can read.<BR>I can only hope you would like to talk to me after you read about horrible things I did on sunday - but even if you would not I can't accuse you because what I did was unforgivable<P>Thanks for everyzthing you did for me till now<BR>D<P>BTW I'd be divorced on July 4th - 22 years would disappear<P>"Finally I succeded, I blew up the whole thing, I pushed him and J forever. I made unforgivable and unforgetable scene. I simply couldn't control myself i hate myself for whAt I did, but it's done. I let S won I did horrible things I said horrible words I am evil, I am Soton, I am ugly disgusting, I am no worth of living I hurt my kids I desrved what happened<P>Saturday afternoon Maja was with them i tortured J on th phone why she is still living with S why she does not come to me, why is she so satisfied with S and calls me only when she need something -that lasted about an hour on phone<P>he came yesterday afternoon with Maja and come into apartment to see what carpenter did last few days (he pays), he gave some food from Austria and J said she wouldn't stay she's in hurry, then the bomb exploded: he commented J does not like me because I tortured her on phone, then I said a lot of horrible thing I said I even don't love my kids only him I begged him for love, I yelled I screamed I cried I accused him and S for what they did to me, I begged him to return, I wanted to hold him he almost hit me. He said he dooesn't love me he wants to leave him I am guilty for everything, not a penny from the company does belong to me, he'd destroy it but I'd not get anything, that I am mad have to be put in the institution, I ruin the kids. The kid were there they cried, , the neighbours saw and heard almost called an ambulance, he wanted to take Maja I agreed when they went I screamed to return her to me I wanted to drink KCN but I haven't enough courrage I was in sain i am mad At the end Maja stayed with me , J and him left.<P>I called him on the cell phone begged him accused him I even called S and she loughed that she won, she may have anybody she wants, me is not a good mother because J wants to live with her, she even said that if God would like to punish such a behaviour half of the city would be dad, i said that I am sorry but I was raised in other half of the city. She enjoyed that talk she -the winner<P>I than screamed on Maja and she went to a friend who lives near i told her if she went never come back, poor kid she left me and called father to come and take her. He came and J with him and J said she hates me and I am mad she'd never come to me again I am not her mother he agreed but Maja staxed wih me.<P>much more words were said I was disgusting I lost him forever and I think it would be better for maja to live with them. i finally ruined every possible chance to ever be with him again he would always reember me through this scene, he hardly a little forgt suicide attempt fom last year and we started to talk and see each other and now i destroyed this tiny fibre<P>All your advices didn't help, you can describe me in your next book. I am woman Soton I am evil i don't deserve to live I lost everything i love i destroy evrybody and everything what i touch. I have to be locked <P>Why did i do that why on earth i did that i don't think the things i said but i can't correct that How can i explain to him my feelings? How to live with such things on my conscience? i only wanted to say him i love him and alwayswill but why i said so many awfl things. how can i let him know I don't think like that i only wanted to hurt him because e does not love me. he is absolutely rigt i have to be killed or locked, i tortured him for 20 years, S saved him.<P>I am so eil i love him why.<BR> i lost him forever, he neer forget and forhive me and he is right i am no worth Why i destroy people whom i love more than anything. I am realy in sain<BR>God ahas to punish me He had right when he moved the best myn husband father lover in the world from me, because I only wated to hurt and destroy him..Why whay<P>i deserve to be alone but i can' t stand that The only thing i was always scared of was that i'd stay alone, he is right i caught him on pregnancy and God is now punishing me we should never myrry he didnt love me ever i forced him to be with me<P>Why he left me, i love him more than life i realy love him more thn kids i don't know anything i miss my family, jelena mio,maja, our house our life<BR>Why am i so bad, why wil i stay alone why can not i make him happy, why is S so better than me"<P><p>[This message has been edited by betrayed and desperate (edited June 13, 2001).]
