I had a rather bold idea this past weekend. My WS will not go ahead with the No Contact letter, although she agreed to doing it for me. I realize she should WANT to but for reasons she can't explain - hasn't. I have been guilty of not being completely honest with her either: withholding some of the proof I had of her EA. <P>During this, she has only admitted to a small part. I just find it difficult, if not impossible to enter recovery without some kind of affirmation that she wants our marriage to work. She says she does, but the actions and inactions speak louder. My Plan A efforts are hindered when she will resist my meeting her EN's. Frustrating!<P>My mistake, early on, was not to reveal all I knew. At first, I worried that she would leave me. Then it was that she would become more careful, which did happen. <P>Got this idea to write down EVERYTHING I knew of - mostly solid evidence, a few fill-in-the-blanks. This 4 page letter documented everything from the month or two pre-A, D-Day, and the nearly 8 months since. It wasn't too hard between a journal I keep and the indelible memories. I tried to remain objective and avoid it becoming this giant guilt trip. <P>Her only reaction was that she thinks I'm sick for doing my detective work: examining phone records, car mileage, purse snooping - nothing weird. The mood since has been tense here. It hasn't gotten me any progress for the short term. Still, that distant feeling (wall and defenses up). I think she would like to start over but something is stopping her. I think the OM is very-much trying to win her over and will not "go away" on his own. Would anyone have a similar experience?

<B>IFS</B>,<P>I'm not sure what to say here. You may be getting near the end of your ability to Plan A, but I don't recall all the details and time frame...seems like you're closer to a year than to 6 mos. in Plan A?<P>Mainly, I'd suggest trying to approach things as telling her that you really care and are concerned, rather than as a prosecuting attorney. Just as I don't like the pain of acknowledging the way I contributed to the problems in my marriage, my formerly WS doesn't like to talk about what a sleazy thing she did.<P>So, it's a lovebuster to be too bold in confronting them with the truth about how terribly they've behaved. Maybe it needs to be talked about some, but don't harp on it a lot.<P>Having told her what you know, I'd suggest not dwelling on it a lot now.<P>Keep posting,<P>Steve

Thanks Steve. It's been a long and hard journey! D-Day was Oct. 22, 2000. I sure wished I had MB at that time. W left me a note last night that she'd be late coming home so that she could return his stuff. I do think she did (she seemed better and more attentive when she got home). I resisted the temptation to go through her purse. I admit that I have had some obsessive tendencies here. Never was like that "before". <P>The plan for now is to Plan A like crazy. It's close to 6 months of Plan A after two months of flailing and LBing. Not the right start! I will try my best to not dwell on the details of the A and maybe not mention it at all. We may be alot closer to recovery that I thought? Really, she's come a long ways in the last couple of months. I have to concentrate on the positive even if it's something small. I failed to thank her when she was honest with me, even though it wasn't the complete honesty I would like to see. I need to get alot better at that (among many other areas).<P>Thanks for your help and continued support.<P>IFS/Mark

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ifeelstupid:<BR><B><BR>I will try my best to not dwell on the details of the A and maybe not mention it at all.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Mark,<P>Dr. Harley makes it clear that there's not a lot of value in dwelling on the details of the A, although we BSs tend to obsess here. Generally, it's a lovebuster for both to talk about it. Sometimes you need to, but rehashing and dwelling on it a lot doesn't really help.<P>OTOH, I understand the need for a formerly WS to be accountable for their time, and the desire to know the truth. <P>I don't have a lot of time right now, just took a quick <BR>look and wanted to say that you're wise to see that mentioning the A is a lovebuster, and to keep to a necessary minimum the amount of time you spend discussing it with her.<P>Looks like you're back on the right track.<P>Steve

I have noticed a few obvious changes again in W. I am taking it one day at a time with baby steps. Expecting set backs so hopefully I have the most Non-LBing self control I can muster, ready. Concentrating on the "positive". No sign of OM lately but I don't think he'll give up easily.<P>IFS/Mark

Father's Day was rather depressing. I have one stepson (20) and I know he appreciates and respects me so it wasn't that. In fact, our relationship has probably kept my W in the house. It's just that our family is very success-oriented and I see happy families around me and ours is such a mess. W wondered why I felt so down and I commented that I felt like she doesn't need me. I feel like I'm nothing to her. She's got a large circle of friends (mostly "her" friends) and the OM who I suspect is close. Her distance toward me is my biggest clue.<P>I envy those who still have maintained some degree of a sexual relationship - it has been over 2 months. It was frustrating at first, but now it just makes me sad. She insists that it wasn't a PA. Anyone have a similar experience with an EA and no sex?<P>It does appear she gave back the cell phone from the OM, but nothing else was returned. Found a receipt for a Wedding band she bought (sheesh). Wasn't for me. I am trying my best to hang in there a while longer.<P>IFS/Mark