My H didn't have an A. He was having cybersex with the OW. He says that the things he did, didn't mean anything to him. She didn't mean anything to him. That they only had cybersex 4 or 5 times. They passed nude pics back and forth. H says that he isn't attracted to her sexually, emotionally or for any other reason. We know this woman and he says that she is not his type. That he would never date her in RL. He doesn't even find her attractive. He says at first he didn't think it was cheating on me. But then he started feeling quilty. <P> After they stopped having cybersex they continued to talk about their marriage situations. This went on for about 6 months. Hers was deteriorating. Wonder why? Could it be that she was sending out pics of herself using her vibrator to MANY MEN? H was counseling her about her marriage. <P>I had no idea that he was feeling bad about our marriage. He never told me this. He says that he felt like he was just a paycheck. He worked ALL the time. He traveled half of the time. The cybersex and talking to her only happened when He was on the road. He says that when he was with me he felt good but when he was away things fell apart.<P>He can't answer any of my questions about why. He just says that he doesn't know why he did it. All he can tell me is that he was feeling horrible about himself and his job. That his head was screwed up. I get very down thinking about all of this. At the time I was having sex with him at least 4 times a week. He tells me this(cyber affair) had nothing to do with sex. That it was mostly just him trying to fill a void in his life. Does this make sense to anyone? I am confused by this. In my mind it had everything to do with sex. He had been heavy into porn for about 2 years prior to the cyber affair. I had no knowledge of this either.<P>I want my marriage to work out but I am having a horrible time trying to process this information. It has been 5 months now and I do feel somewhat better but I still think about this every day. He is working very hard to try to put things back in place. He has changed jobs, started his own business. He is home every night now. He is helping around the house and with the kids. He is showing me lots of affection. We are trying to meet each others needs. Talking about things, spending quality time alone, sharing in each others lives. <P>I think that my biggest problem is that he can't tell me why and give me answers. His standard answer is "I don't know why". He gets angry with me when I try to talk to him about it. I have stopped asking why. The scariest thing to me is that at first he didn't think he was cheating on me. How can a man exchange nude pics with another woman and NOT think it is cheating?<P>Sometimes I think that if he had had an affair I could process it a little better. It would make more sense to me. I could see him filling a need that I wasn't filling. There was no need filled with this. Our counselors say that this was a coping mechanism. I'm not sure I understand that one either. HELP!<P>NM<P> <p>[This message has been edited by NewMe2001 (edited July 12, 2001).]

Hiya NewMe...<P>I can relate to how your H feels. I did the same thing, and justified it for awhile. I felt horrible about things and said I would stop, but didn't, until D-day. I know that it doesn't make any sense to you, it can't! To H, it doesn't either, until he can look deep enough into himself, and realize there is a reason for it. I was not into porn, as yours is, but I think that, in itself could send a signal or two.<P>I know, for me, it was done out of loneliness. It was done to fill a void when she wasn't around. When we are together, it was awesome, but when apart, I started chatting online and one thing led to another, and before I knew it, it was deeper than I ever suspected! A couple of thoughts...I had the realizations, thanks to loving W, that I did, indeed, have a problem. First of all, I was addicted to chatting and drawing others to me by *counselling* them as well. As I counselled them, they would get these *feelings* of caring and seek me out to make them feel better. The cybersex thing only happened a few times, but the need for me to feel like these women needed me was strong, stronger than I realized!! Your H, is probably alot like me, in that, his need for attention and affection got him in deeper than he ever thought it would. <P>As far as not thinking it was an A, I went there too. I justified it in my head by saying the exact same thing...I would never have met her in real life! It was safe...we shielded ourselves from the *true* A by saying it was never physical, and we never dreamed that our BS would react *that badly*. After all, *it was only the computer* and you could get over it knowing that we never *really* had sex. I, for one, now know the hurt it caused, and had to come to grips with the fact that I had a problem. I no longer chat anywhere, except here, because this is where I can learn more about me and our relationship. I read the things that others go through, and I am more dedicated than ever to work on things and make us even stronger. I hope this helps you somewhat..I know there are no exact answers. Nor, are there any to make you feel any better. Your H had reasons for doing what he did, but he may have to look deeper for them and he cant fix what he cant see. I had to admit the addiction to the net, and now I leave no opportunity at all for any misconceptions. Her piece of mind and trust in me are my concerns! Keep the faith!!<P>*Out of our deepest fears, come our greatest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

Thanks Trueheart,<P>I am afraid of what you have said about my H having to look deep inside himself. I'm not sure if he can do that. He keeps himself very busy with work. I would love to help him but I don't know how. He is going to therapy and together we are in marriage counseling. He says that he loves me very much and never stopped loving me. At first I challenged this because I didn't think someone could love you and do something like this. Is there anything that I can do to help him or is this something that he has to do on his own? <P>The fact that I have to "trust" that everything is OK now is overwhelming sometimes. He too, says that he will never put himself in that situation again. He has changed jobs and is home every night now. <P>NM<BR> <P>

NM...<P>He will come around in time. The best thing that you can do is encourage him and try not to LB about it. I too, have taken away all the hindrances to my recovery, and there have been times that I literally hate myself for everything I have caused. There are times I shut down and just cry over the pain and destruction I have brought about...not destruction of our relationship, but of the trust that was never questioned. If he is in counselling, that is a good thing. It's like my partner says...you try to peel the bandaid off a little at a time, but there is going to come that time when it is going to have to ripped off in order to finish the job. I know that when I ripped it off, I needed her love and support more than ever!! And now I can be there for her...100% all the time, supportive as ever. I open up and realize that even if sometimes I dont want to talk to her about things, SHE needs the answers. Once he realizes that the major hurt was in you finding out, and that talking about it helps you heal, it will be easier. As far as helping him right now, just be there, show him you are working on forgiving him and don't want to LB, but let him know you have feelings and EN too, and during the recovery, your EN have to be met, as well!!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

Thanks again Trueheart,<P>Sorry it took me so long to respond to this post. We took a weekend trip to FLA! It was wonderful. I think that we will be ok. My H is coming around. He told me today that he needs to really look at himself and what he was doing. That he wasn't really doing that yet. He also said that he needs some time and some space to do this. I am ready and willing to let him have the time and space he needs. He is not going anywhere. He just needs time to think about it. Thank you again for your posts.<P>NM