Hi everyone, I am new at this site so, please bear with me. My husband has been having an affair for almost two years now. I found out about the affair 5 months ago. I thought I was going to die. He left twice and twice returned. One of the times that he left he moved in with the OW. I asked him to return home after a month and he did. I did plan A big time however it did not work. He was mopping around the house and not wanting to do
anything with me. He told that the affair was off; however, I knew that they were still communicating with each other. I told him in August that he had to move out. he moved out and during this time him and OW started seeing each other again. I again told him to move back in the house and he did. Bad move! He told me then that he would continue to saee the OW because he loved her very much and that he no feelings towards anymore. After two weeks of him coming and going with this OW, I finally said that I had enough and told him that he had to leave and not come back. Needless to say, he is living with the OW again and he had the nerve to take some of our furniture with him. Now her living room looks like my living used to look like. He tells everyone that he is extremely happy with the OW and that he had finally found his soulmate.<p>We speak to one another once in a while but only on a professional manner. You see, we work together and see each other every single day. <p>I pray to God every day that he opens my Husband's heart towards me again. I love him so much it hurts. I am getting on with my life and I feel a little bit better. The crying is gone along with the hate and resentment. I have forgiven my husband and will take him back any minute (with conditions of course).<p>I am asking for support from persons that have gone through this an I also need to know what the outcome was in their particular situation. I guess what I am asking for for someone to tell me that there is hope for my husband and I. I do not believe in divorce and the word has not been mentioned ever again. I tried filing for divorce twice and my husband did not want to proceed with it. I also need to mention that he did not want to leave our home. The reason that he gave me that if he left it, would be considered as everything being over between us (go figure). He has said the same thing about a divorce. I promissed God that I would never ever mention this word to my husband. <p>Please help! I need some encouragement here.<p>Thanks<p>
Married-16 years
Friends-18 years
DDay-5/2001
moved out with OW-7/2001
back home-8/2001
moved out-8/2001 to an appartment started seeing OW again
back home-9/2001
moved out with OW-9/6/2001

JMF,<p>Welcome to MB. Read up on MB concept following the links below on my signature. You have to be in plan A before moving to plan B. What was your plan A ?. Please read up on Plan A missapplication by Distressed. I am still in plan A and plan A'ng my life out. My WW changed from singing Dv every time to not sure. She "lives" w/ OM, stay 1-2 nights at home, pretend that she still lives here. The only advice I could give you is don't even think about plan B, you were even not in plan A. Revisit your plan A and cover your basis. What we are doing is while waiting for A to die naturally, we get busy to make our self attractive, not only to WS but for others too. Make ourself a better person. You might have to do plan B but you have to make sure since this is the last draw before to move to plan C. There is gurantee that MB will save your marriage but by folowing it you will be a better person and have peace in you. MB is inline with our beleive and combine with faith and prayers, it will help us out through this storm in our life. Hope happy ending with our beloved SO. Again most of our MB veteran is either in GQ II or busy enjoying the love of their life and only come back once in awhile. Hope some of them will see your posts or if you follow my profile link you could search someone that has a sucess story and has an email exchange too. Please also put your profile out there and keep posting.

Thanks Redhat for answering my posting. I did do plan A. However, what was happening was that he would come home, have dinner and then leave to be with her. This was tearing me appart so this is when I told him that he had to leave. The next day, I sent him the plan B letter to which he responded back to me telling me that it was over between us and that nothing could change his feelings towards the OW (by the way, she is also married). <p>He did tell me in various occassions that he had seen the change in me but, that he loved the OW with all his heart and that he felt that she was his soulmate. <p>We are speaking again and I am kind of sort of doing plan A again but, he always seems indifferent. We do not speak about our personal situations. We either talk about work or other things. I do not dare bring the other woman up in our conversations and do not itend to ever.

Did OW's H know the A ?. is A out of the bag ?.

Hi JMF - I started plan B myself a few weeks ago. I don't think you can possibly do plan B effectively while working at the same place. One of you would have to change jobs. Is that feasible?<p>How is he living with OW if she is also married?<p>You don't mention children, are there any?<p>Maybe you did a good plan A, although it sounds like there was some waffling (asking him to move out twice) and maybe pushing him too hard on some topics. Since he came back voluntarily before, perhaps the plan A foundation has been laid. Also he does not believe in divorce.<p>I'm wondering if maybe your plan B is the bigger problem. You sent him a plan B letter, but I don't think he's getting the message about no contact, since you keep asking him back. If you change jobs and cut off other contact, that will send the message.<p>Only you can determine whether you should be in plan A or B. Like Redhat suggests, try to review your plan A carefully.<p>Good luck,<p>Tom

Yes, OW's H found out about the affair before I did. This is the reason why he moved out of the house. However, he will not be a problem for her since he has moved on with his life (I guess he didn't love her that much).<p>She has moved in to an appartment of her own since January and this is where my H is at and has been for a month now. <p>Family and friends know about the affair also; everyone has. He has lost valuable friends because of his actions. He avoids their calls and avoids his family as well.

tmmx,<p>We cannot afford to change jobs at the moment.<p>OW has an appartment of her own. Her husband left her when he found out about the A and has moved on with his life.<p>My husband and I have two adult children and OMW has two small children (5 & 13) that live with her.<p>When husband and I speak is bout business nothiung personnal. These conversations take between 5-10 minutes and then we do not speak again for the rest of the day. No personal or family information is involved.

I empathize with you, and want to let you know that there is hope. I came to this website just like you, looking for answers and hope, I was referred to a website called, restorem.org, and it gave me the hope I needed, as I am sure it will give you too.<p>Pray daily, and know that that is your husband, you are one flesh!

JMF,<p>Asking H to move out is not a reason to go to plan B. There are many BS that has WS moved out with OP, my situation is "pseudo move out". I am still plan A'ng my WW and I think it is working. Her guilt eating up her health however she is still addicted to OM. I am patience chipping one brick at the time working on her issue(s) with me. It crashes me too whenever she goes and I use to have "panic attack" and become LB. Please review you plan A again and see if you are strong enough now to be in it.<p>Consider some of this:
1. WH did not push for D, you did, this is actually LB and make me wonder about your plan A.
2. WH's world has shranks since A is out of the bag.
3. OW's world maybe shrank too.
4. OW has 2 young kid ... (potential LB'ed)
5. You still talk to H, just a minor hints this could turn into plan A.<p>Probably you have more reasons to see that A could dies eventually. Good luck and let us know what you decide ...

Sabrea,<p>I did go to restorem.org and bought the book "how God can will restore your marriage". Thi sbook has given me a lot of hope and the faith that I have in God is tremendous. I have changed my ways, not only towards my H but also to the OMW. I feel at peace and somehow content. <p>Maybe you and I can communicate with each other on the progress of our marriage trhough restome.org. What do you think?

Redhat,<p>I pushed the D before I was aware of this site. I did not know about a plan A or B. <p>I started doing the plan A and during that time I did not mention D. In fact, I told him that I did not want a divorce and that I was leaving it up to him. He even mentioned to me and our friends that I had changed a lot; however, that it was too late for us. <p>It was my undestanding that plan B was have him to move out while he was seeing the OMW. I HAD to tell him to leave. I told him that it was either her or me. You see, he would spend approximately two hours at home and the rest with her; I just could not bear it. I then sent him the plan B letter to let him know that he could return home until he stopped seeing the OMW; he answered back that it was over between us, that he had found his soulmate and that he would throw everything away for her because he was happy with her!<p>What do you mean when you say that WS shrank once plan A was out of the bag?<p>Is it possible to do plan A while he is living with the OMW? I am confused. Help!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by JMF:
<strong>
What do you mean when you say that WS shrank once plan A was out of the bag?<p>Is it possible to do plan A while he is living with the OMW? I am confused. Help!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Family and friends know about the affair also; everyone has. He has lost valuable friends because of his actions. He avoids their calls and avoids his family as well I took it from your post, H 's world is getting smaller.<p>Yes, many does. I have only about 15 hours per week interacting with WW in person, most of the time she is w/ OM. She is deep in the fog that as long as her belonging is still in the house and she comes only to help me bring the kids from school and cooks once in the blue moon, she is still the house wife. After I found out about her Conversation EN, I set aside time call her on her cell and start talking ... funny thing is she can not stop herself. Sometime I have to push my meeting away since she could talk 2-3 hours w/ no problem. Plan A is to show that you could change or you are changed. As long as they see it you achive your goal. Now she is staying w/ me more during the day that I telecommute [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I know if I do the samething you were doing, officially WW will be in OM for the long haul. MB' conselor, Steve, told me not to push her as long as I could take it while I am working on the issue(s).

Redhat,<p>Thanks for the explanation. I pray so much that I think I am becoming a nun. I know I had to change my ways of treating my husband but, never did until this happened. I di not blam,e myself anymore for the affair since, i know that there were better ways for my husband to deal with my beahaviour; such as communication. If I would have known what I had been putting him through I would have seeked some kind of professional help and therefore, the affair would not happened. <p>I guess the saying " Learn from your mistakes" is a tru statement.<p>Thanks

JMF, I would love to have a prayer partner for restorem.org. I am completing the workbook now which is a requirement before your able to enter the restore ministries support group.<p>I'll pray for you!<p>[ December 19, 2001: Message edited by: SEBREA ]</p>

Sebrea,<p>I will e-mail you right now. <p>Thanks

JMF Hey I am knew to this site also but I have been out of work for two months and have spent hours and hours trying to get answers . I think if you read plan a nad plan b in saa my understanding is that plan a is if their is an agreement to not see the lover. if not you go to plan b and you set a time limit whatever you feel you can endure Good Luck and continue to pray

John - actually plan A is done with or without an agreement to not see the OP. Both A and B should have time limits. <p>If you look at Redhat's signature in the first page of this topic, he has several of the good links for new members to read. Start with General Welcome for New Builders and that has more links about plan A "101" and plan B "101".

tmmx,<p>How do you put a time limit on plan A and plan B?
You know that these situations are like rollercoaster rides; it has it's ups and downs. I am totally confused now because I started Plan A when he was at home. He could not stop seeing OW so I told him that he had to leave. Then I went on plan B for a month; no contact whatsoever. This bothered him a lot. So now I am back to plan A and he has no intentions on leaving OW. Is there a time limit and for how long before I say forget it and move on with my life. Right now my situation is hopeless; WS honestly loves the OW with all his heart. What should I do?

JMF,
I think you already know my response-PRAY! Pray with all your heart and believe that God will restore your marriage. You have to let go and let God, He is the only person who can change your husband's heart.<p>In the meantime, work on JMF! start setting goals for yourself, became active in the community or in church activities, go to school if you need to, just keep yourself busy and allow husband to initiate all contact.<p>God Bless!

JMF - I think time limits are important so that you don't go back-and-forth when you don't see results. A guideline might be 6 months in A and 6 to 12 months in B. That way, when things get bad you are least know when the next stage begins.<p>When you do start plan B, it's important to stick with it. Going back to A after 1 month, costs you credibility about going back to plan B again later. If plan B bothered him a lot, that was really the point. For him to see the consequences. During plan B, he should be coming back on your terms.<p>Time limits are personal and you can adjust them. But they are very important in helping you to be consistent.<p>Good Luck,<p>Tom