OK- I have allowed my wife to maintain a "friend" relationship with her ex-lover. I know that she attempts to contact him so they can get together socially. He is also a co-worker and they "work" together at times when it's not necessary. I don't think there has been sex-but I'm not 100% sure. The problem lies in the fact that as I give more of myself in this relationship, the more fearful I become-knowing what I know. I know that I've originally agreed to the relationship that she can have, but I just can't do it anymore. Dr. Harvey states that we can't "demand" things during Plan A. Well, how do I do that in this case? Am I not demanding?

I know this is hard. You still have to plan A for a length of time, even when she is seeing her OP. She has to come to her own decision, agree to no contact with OP, and stick to it. There can be no recovery without that decision on her part.<p>In plan A, you are not necessarily looking for "results" in terms of her behavior. Don't make demands or try to educate her. The focus is on you - look for changes in your own behavior that would help you meet her needs. Then demonstrate you can do that on a sustained basis. If you do a good job and she notices the changes, then the hope is that she comes back to you after the affair burns out. Which takes months. But making demands or other love-busting, will just push her away and set you back.<p>Good luck,<p>Tom

I saw this post and knew my position immediately. All contact has to stop. You are uneasy because you know this too. Quiting her job, whatever. You and I know how guys work. Is he really just going to be her friend why feeling attracted? It comes down to persuasion. Persuade her. If you figure her out and can lay the love her she needs, she will drop the guy. To me, this is not plan A because she says there is not anything going on now.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by looking both ways:
<strong>I saw this post and knew my position immediately. All contact has to stop. You are uneasy because you know this too. Quiting her job, whatever. You and I know how guys work. Is he really just going to be her friend why feeling attracted? It comes down to persuasion. Persuade her. If you figure her out and can lay the love her she needs, she will drop the guy. To me, this is not plan A because she says there is not anything going on now.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Welcome to MB. What is your profile ?. BS, WS, OW or all of the lists ?. Follow the link and learn about plan A, then post again. Meanwhile, good luck on whatever your issue(s) is with relation.

here's my profile redhat-<p>
* I am 38
* wife is 39
* two girls 10 and 12
* i had affair in 92 with co-worker. lasted 5 months- nearly blindsided me -someone was meeting my EN.
* revealed the A to wife while in counselling session. two years of counselling and I was JUST relieved that wife didn't leave. Learned a lot but we didn't really get into "heart" of our issues. I will never have affair -too much pain-i walked away from OW, changed jobs, and never looked back
*found a place to hide in my new work and by yaer 2000 was spending 60hrs/wk working.
* There was so much more to life and wanted to really get into the "heart" of our problems. Looking back, i also noticed a distancing by my wife. Let her know how I wanted things to change.
* Jan2001 find condoms in W's purse after she spends weekend with OW and friend. She excuses the condoms as something she just picks up- I know they came from my night stand-serial # match.So the ball really starts rolling and I start checking things.
* OW is a long time friend and co-worker of W
* Evidence and my "gut" know that something's going on.
* Late Feb 2001 wife spends "work" related nights with OW- I know something is going to happen and hire PI-he reports all I need to know. i don't confront wife-need hard evidence.
* April find out W purchased emergency conticeptive day after "work" night stays. Confront wife-tough time
* She claims it was a big mistake but WON'T change jobs or end "friend" relationship with OW.
* I agreed to this but am having hard time, knowing she continues to see OW. Still not getting into "heart" of relationship but we are working with counselor.
* I know she continues to contact OW to see him socially and "works" with him in situations not necessary.

jinind,<p>Thanks for listing your profile, you could copied them into my profile link below. It will help a lot for MB'er to understand your background. Actually my post was directed at "looking both ways" not you. There are some posters that not only did not want to save thier M but also replying to others post w/ bad intention.<p>tmmx has give you his oppinion, I could not give it to you any better. Try to get MC from MB, Steve is working w/ my wife right now. You can not educate your W about any of MB since it will be LB'ed but Steve can. PTC ... Patience, Time and Consistence will bring back your W' trust. Meanwhile let it go the demamnd, it won't accomplish anything.

Thanks Redhat. Tmmx seems to be right on the mark.
What I am understanding is all we can do is influence by our actions and behaviors. Do you send her flowers at work? Work on her love bank. Behave your way to success. Call her at work, tell her you love her. Send her an e-mail. Give her romance. Hope you both can read his needs, her needs and surviving an affair.