Please let me know what you think...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dear WS,<p>I love you! I know that you will always reside in my heart since I do have a great love for you after all we'&#8217;e gone through.<p>My anger and bitterness are too great for me to handle. I cannot continue to live a &#8220;normal&#8221; life with you and pretend to be happy. I am so sad and so miserable right now and I truly need to get a grip. That is why we must separate.<p>I am going to take this time apart to try and understand my part in all this as well as try to get rid of my negativity and constant dwelling on the past. I need to let go, release myself of the burden and forgive &#8211; forgive myself and you &#8211; for my sake!<p>For this to happen I ask for one month of no contact, unless it&#8217;s an emergency. It is very important to me that you respect my no contact request.<p>You asked if I would ever consider reconciliation and I would. I won&#8217;t take the opportunity to reconcile lightly and hope you wouldn&#8217;t either.<p>For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:

• A full confession
• A sincere, remorseful apology
• Why you think this happened (name the problem &#8211;you&#8217;ve got to name it to claim it)
• A detailed recovery plan (what it is and how YOU plan to implement it)
• Proof you&#8217;re working a 12-step program for addiction

My hopes are to someday bring our family back together. The process of getting us to that point is up to you. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your actions and commitment to your own personal recovery and healing.<p>May God bless your days and guide your ways!<p>All My Love,<hr></blockquote><p>Thank you!

I like it..it's simple, pure and to the point.<p>Now,what do you plan to do for yourself in Plan B?
T

Good morning, Twyla,<p>Thank you so much for the response! I know it's been slow around here so I've been patient.<p>I found Saturday that my WH has a hotmail address I didn't know about. I found it while checking his work email - he sent some pictures to the hotmail address. I thought maybe he started it after he learned I had a hotmail address he didn't know about. I started mine last fall when I thought we were going to separate and I didn't want him reading my mail. When I logged into this new hotmail address of his it gave a message that the account had been inactive for over 30 days - so I know he's had it, probably even before he discovered mine.<p>Anyway, I didn't even freak or mention I knew about it. I plan on moving forward with Plan B (he's not actively searching for an apartment so I need to press that issue again).<p>What will I do for myself during Plan B? I have recently began an active prayer life. I'm reading The Power of the Praying Parent and I'm praying for my children. My issues with my H have clouded my parenting and my relationship with my boys so they are now my focus.<p>Grrrrrrrr... I don't see any hope for this M - I just don't think he will change and if he does change, I can't see myself ever believing him again.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I think you letter is good too. <p>You are in my prayers. I hope that all goes well for you and you get whatever will make YOU happy. <p>It is so difficult. I too wonder if my H will ever change. And I wonder when I will reach my breaking point and move to Plan B. I NEVER in a million years would think that I had this much patience. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] Not sure if it's good or bad. Can't figure out why after so many months, after so many dissapointments, that I have not moved on. Not sure if because with all the dissapointments came so many positives or what it is. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway, I wish you much luck and I hope you H comes around - IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT.

I think the letter is good. No blaming, etc.

nee2bhappy and bgentle, thank you for your responses. <p>At this point I just don't know what I want. I no longer desire to be intimate with my H, so much of who he is annoys me. I think I waited too long before moving to Plan B.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Ok. I'm not an expert. I did go over my Plan B letter with Steve Harley, but WH promptly tore it up.<p>Anyway, I don't know if I'd put in the part about you being miserable - who wants to return to someone who is miserable.<p>Remember that the letter is supposed to reiterate over and over that you have to stop contact so you don't continue to lose love for WS. You so however want to tell them that you are in pain. <p>Also, putting in your list of demands may be a little strong and put-offish, usually you just put that if they want to come back then you will consider talking about your future.<p>You will also need to put in the arrangements for contact - name and number of third party in emergency.<p>Have you been Plan Aing if so then you should already know your part in the A, it sounds like you are going to do all your work in the upcoming month, which may not make WS so sure that you will figure anything out - you may want to say that you have already identified and been working on yourself and will continue to do so.<p>Please don't think that I'm being overly critical - you know the personality of your WS better than I - these are just things that you can think about before sending the letter.<p>K

K,<p>Thank you very much for your reply! A little background on me is that my H has had a few As (EA & PA) and is an habitual liar. I have been at this since before we married. We've been married for just over 2 years (blended family) and I found out about 1st PA 1 week before the wedding. With each new discovery and each new OW (yes, he moves from one to the other) we talk, go to counseling and plan our recovery/rebuilding. The problem is I stick with the plan and he never does - it's all lip service.<p>To get to your response...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Anyway, I don't know if I'd put in the part about you being miserable - who wants to return to someone who is miserable.<hr></blockquote><p>I understand what you're saying. I went back and reread what I wrote and I said I was so sad and miserable "right now" and that I needed to get a grip, meaning work on myself. Should I soften how I feel?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Also, putting in your list of demands may be a little strong and put-offish, usually you just put that if they want to come back then you will consider talking about your future.<hr></blockquote><p>My reason for this is because in a different thread I mentioned that I wasn't going to tell my H what it is he needs to do - I've been telling him for 2 years now and it's up to him if he truly wants to reconcile. I don't know - I'm just so tired of this parent/child relationship.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Have you been Plan Aing if so then you should already know your part in the A, it sounds like you are going to do all your work in the upcoming month, which may not make WS so sure that you will figure anything out - you may want to say that you have already identified and been working on yourself and will continue to do so.<hr></blockquote><p>I haven't Plan A'd in about a year. If anything I've become very bitter and I LB left and right. I have always asked him what I did or didn't do for his As to happen and he always said it wasn't anything, that it was all him. I know he had a couple EAs when my 2 boys and I were struggling. They were disrespecting me and not listening to me and he said it was very hard for him to listen to that.<p>He's always told the OW that we were separated when we never were and he said he felt so empty and lost. I think that comes from the abuse from his mom when he was growing up - not from me.<p>Last week he said he never forgave me for a supposed EA he thought I had before we were married and that we should discuss that. He said we'd talk about it 2 days ago and he never brought it up. So his actions speak loudly!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Please don't think that I'm being overly critical - you know the personality of your WS better than I - these are just things that you can think about before sending the letter.<hr></blockquote><p>I don't think you're over critical at all! I will consider your comments. I really don't think there's any hope in saving our marriage!<p>God bless!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I know that I am going to oppose all of the support you seem to be getting regarding this "Plan B" letter, but I feel compelled to tell you that if you want your marriage restored, tear that letter up and PRAY! I was once a frequent visitor to this site until I discovered a website that promotes restored marriages. Please, I beg you to go to restorem.org. You will do more damage to your marriage by sending that letter than good. I don't know you personally, but I am a woman, and I do have children, and I know that you want your husband home being the father and husband that God would have him to be. I am not perfect, or else I wouldn't be on thise site, but I do know what God has done for me to help me to restore my relationship with my husband.<p>God bless, and I hope this message is received with an open heart and mind to marriage restoration.
Please go to restorem.org now!

SEBREA,<p>Thank you for the response and for the website! I will check it out. I've recently begun to jumpstart my prayer life. <p>The problem is - I just don't know if I want to restore my marriage. So much has happened in such a short time that I don't want to work at this any more. I was just thinking this morning that for the entire 2 years of our marriage I've been on this site and a few others dealing with sexual addiction or on-line infidelity and trying to restore the marriage. All the while my WH has been on sports sites and on-line gaming sites - not anything to do with restoring and rebuilding our family. He just doesn't care so why should I.<p>I know it's wrong, but I would rather just restore the relationship with my 2 young sons from my 1st marriage. We are so strained and I would like to be a model of integrity and character for them. Staying in an unhealthy marriage riddled with disrespect and infidelity is not a message I wish to promote for them. God has made provisions to get out of marriages where there is infidelity and now is the time for me to make use of that.<p>Again, thank you so much for your thoughts - I will check out the website!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free,<p>What's happening these days? April 1 is in a few days. Is this still your plan B deadline? What about H's apt being ready earlier?<p>Perhaps you updated on another thread that I missed. If you did, sorry. Just direct me there. Otherwise, I'd be interesting in knowing what the situation is.<p>Hugs,

Oneday,<p>Thanks for dropping in. My H couldn't afford the security deposit required for the apt that was ready last month. He said he had a couple other options in the works, but that was it. He told me over the weekend that he will take the apt with the high security (I think he'll put it on his credit card).<p>I sunk into quite a depression over the weekend. I've been yelling at my kids quite a bit because my H always makes sarcastic remarks about my kids and my parenting. I'm trying to ignore him, but it's so hard. I'm really coming unglued and I'm scaring myself.<p>I'm going to talk with my H tonight and give him until the 15th - no ifs ands or buts!! I can't begin to heal with him in the house.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>

Free2bme, I hope you have gone to restorem.org. I noticed in your e-mail that you belief that God allows divorce in cases of infidelity-that is a myth that satan wants us to belive, it is not true. If you read in KJV, Matthew 19:9 that divorce is permited only in cases of "fornication" there is a big difference between fornication and adultery and restorem.org goes into more detail, but Malachi 2:16 states"God hates divorce" so don't go against God's word.
Also, you say you feel as though you don't want a restored marriage, that is also a trick of the devil. Satan is deceiving you, don't buy into it. Pray over your husband daily and forgive him, for he knows not what he does.
Another point to consider, don't put deadlines on your marriage, give it to the Lord. When you give your marriage totally to the Lord only then will you have the peace that transcends all understanding (Phil 4:6-8).
If you noticed, I base my every decision on the word of God. I pray that you too will seek the Lord for guidance in your marriage.
Jer 29:11 tells us that God knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper us, not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future. Only God can give you the hope to stand for your marriage, as he did me and so many others.
God bless!

SEBREA,<p>Your responses are so passionate and I appreciate them very much. I did go to that web site and I found I need to do a workbook before I can register with the site and receive the benefits.<p>I'm so confused! I struggle every day - one day I feel resolved to divorce and the next I feel a glimmer of hope.<p>I'm going to print this response and read the passages you quote. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If you read in KJV, Matthew 19:9 that divorce is permited only in cases of "fornication" there is a big difference between fornication and adultery <hr></blockquote><p>Please explain this more for me.<p>Thank you for you interest in my marital recovery! <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Freetobeme, thank you for receiving the blessings of God, which is an open mind to a restored marriage. Before I explain about the difference between fornication and adultery, I would like to refer you to the book of Hosea. Please read chapters 1-3 of Hosea and that will also support how adultery is grounds for FORGIVENESS not divorce.
Adultery vs. fornication: In the times of Mary and Joseph, a man was betrothed to a wife before they consummated their marriage (this is similar to what we call an engagement). If at the time of the marriage, which usually took place a year or so after betrothal, the husband found the wife to be impure, as Mary was when she was pregnant with Jesus through immaculate conception, he could divorce her. Here we find that divorce is only permissible either before the marriage or shortly after when consummation occurs and the bride is found to be impure or unclean. This definition of fornication does not apply to what so many are using as grounds for divorce. In 1Cor 7:39 it states "A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." This clearly goes against the belief that a woman can divorce her husband-YOU CAN'T AND SHOULD NOT!! Be content with what the Lord has given to you don't disobey His word.
Restore Ministries website: You can go into the restoration fellowship without having ordered the materials. However, I would strongly encourage you to first order the "How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage" handbook and then order the "A Wise Woman Workbook" these two resources alone will help you to get a hold of the real truth regarding marriage, divorce, adultery, and remarriage. I am an encouragement partner, so,once you become a member, please let me know and maybe we can support each other in this stand.
You must remember that we are in a spiritual battle. Don't be upset with your husband, be upset with Satan, because it is Satan who is using your husband for his own wicked schemes, your husband is deceived and you must love and gently restore him back to you and your family. Trust in God, not in man. 1Cor 13:7 says that Love never fails.. Love endures all things..Love keeps no record of wrong doings..Do you love your husband? Then you will love him no matter what,through adultery, abuse, mistreatment etc.
God wants your marriage restored and so do I. Get a hold of the restore ministries materials, order the handbook as soon as you can, it will change your life forever. Read the testimonies and praisereports of women who are in your situation and who are experiencing the wonderful glories of God because they have trused totally in God.
Be strong, stay encouraged, and PRAY!

SEBREA,<p>I read this last night and had to think about what you said.<p>In my situation, I'm already once divorced. Wouldn't that make me an adulterer with my current H? According to scripture, I'm still bound to my 1st H - yes?<p>Thank you for your words of wisdom! I wish I knew scripture as you do.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free2beme,
True you are already divorced and in a second marriage. But what also is true is that we have a merciful God who bestows His grace upon us. In II Cor 12:9 the Lord tells us that His GRACE is sufficient for us,for my power is made perfect in weakness. Right now you are weak, weak from hurt, fear, pain, and rejection, now is the time for you to go to your Father God and ask him what he would have you to do in your present situation. Only He can answer that for you. Let him speak to you through His word.<p>Please read Psalm 66:17-20 for what God can do for you when you seek Him earnestly.<p>God bless!