I am currently in plan b. tonight I really want to call my H but I know we are not suppose too. He doesn't really call either. I feel like I'm losing him. I feel really sad tonight. the affair has been exposed for almost 11 months and he recently moved out to be with the OW. How do you get them to see the light? I would think out of site, out of communication, out of their minds.

Should change my name to crying,...

Hi MarthaW
I am sorry you are here and sorry for your pain. I know it is sad and I know how much you would like to call. But in the end if you did call you would most likely not feel any better. I too have been in Plan B since May. I have had intermittent contact with my H and the short term gains always felt good for the moment but for the long haul I have found they do not help. I know what you mean that it seems out of sight out of mind, but in reality that is not true. You will show your strength by standing for your marriage. It is very hard to not reach for that phone but try to busy yourself with other things or call a friend to get you over those really low moments. Don't think too far ahead. One day at a time. Take care of yourself and try not to think of him now. Keep posting here, it truly does help to know others are rooting for you!!!!!!I know it's hard but you can do this. We can do this. I wish you well

isn't the message by not calling like you don't care too? maybe he feels he has no choice but to stay with her that this door is closed? Do they even think about us at all? I can't stop thinking about him and what he is doing? Eating or sleeping? Why can't he see the pain he has caused. doesn't he feel any of this or is he just bathing in sex with her? Hurts and hurts and hurts some more.

MarthaW -- I am so sorry you are feeling the pain you are in right now. It hurts so much.

You have answered your own question almost in your post -- they do NOT feel your pain. It is something called cognitive dissonance. That is when a person has done something that is so clearly wrong and against their own morals/code that they block out the pain/justify their actions in order to not feel the pain. In plain english -- the minute the thoughts crop up they shove them into some deep dark hole in their souls in order to keep from acknowledging what they are doing.

You cannot convince them of this or anything else right now. You just have to let go. I know that is easier said than done. Put all of your energy and focus on you, your children, and friends right now. Spend your love where it will be appreciated. WH cannot appreciate it right now because he is living in a fantasy world. You are not. You are living in reality and need real love to help validate you right now --- love you can get from friends, your children and your other family.

Peace.

MarthaW

Wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and wondering how things are going for you. I agree it seems as though you are showing you don't care if you don't call. But that is not the case. That is the you they know, the caring one, and that is the one they are not respecting at the moment.

You are showing your strength by not calling, you are leaving them to their choices. They will learn that you now are respecting yourself by not weakening and allowing them to continue hurting you in those ways. Believe me in the end that makes you much more attractive. You have to leave them to figure things out. Things have to be different now, that's why you are in Plan B. You are taking care of YOU. It is hard, very very hard. Lean on friends to get you through. Keeping busy is the key. You need to keep your mind on other things and not go back to how it was. The old marriage was not working you are trying to make things better. It is like any hard habit you are trying to break, it is difficult. Everyday that you get through with no contact, is a step in the right direction. What you did before did not work, remember that. You want things better, and they never will be if you continue to be there for him in those ways that you once were.

I was like you for a few months but I am getting so much stronger now and feel like I am controling my life instead the other way around. I am still sad that he is not with me and I have many moments still that I wish the nightmare to end and I would wake and all would be fine. But I am now seeing the positveness of standing up for myself and not accepting those little morsels of life he would throw my way when I would weaken and do things with him.

Yes it hurts, but stay strong, and find other things to make you happy. It took me a long time to understand the words TAKE CARE OF YOU, because I had lost sight of myself and only knew how to take care of him and my family. But I understand now how important it is to TAKE CARE OF YOU, and so I offer those words to you and wish for you to forget about him for awhile.

When I was younger I remember a line that said if you always do what you always did then you'll always get what you always got. Post often it really helps and read, read, read. There is so much help here you are not alone. Take Care

MarthaW,
You asked if your WH is going to forget you during Plan B. My experience as a WS (former) was that you don't forget but you push the memory way down. At least during that first rush with the new OP - those first months are soooo exciting, makes WS feel so special, OP is soulmate, yada, yada, yada. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I think now I also pushed H's memory down because I knew OM was a mistake and I didn't want to face it - I was trying to justify my A with OM and all the pain I'd caused H by staying with OM. (Crazy, huh?) But after the newness wore off, I couldn't fool myself any longer. I started to remember H and regret what I'd done. That took over a year. If H hadn't already found someone else, if we hadn't gotten D, I might have gone back to him. And I might have gone sooner if we hadn't gotten a D. Once we did that, I felt like it was over. Question is - how long can you last?

You also ask how you can make sure your WH knows you still care if NC. I think the way you show your WH that you care is by not filing for D. As long as you don't do that, he knows you're there for him.

Take care, be strong, if this is what you want then stick with it.

I am so sorry for your pain. It is horrible, but try not to dwell on it.

Some lessons I have been learning from some reading:

Change the channel on the TV set--i.e. imagine your mind is like a TV screen. The channel is on sadness and pain. Change it to the Love and Beauty channel! There is beauty and love all around you, just not from your WH now. With all of these unpleasant thoughts crowding your brain, the good stuff in life can't get through.

Remember, that he is resolving issues for himself and can't even think of coming back to you until they are resolved--the grass is greener over there, she is the one, not you etc. One day all of this will be proved untrue, but he has to come to that realization all by himself. You DON'T want him back until he has gotten it straight. Believe me, I have experienced it and it hurts much more that way.

As has been said, take care of yourself, see the beauty and love that exist in your life. Take it one minute at a time. Read these boards, you are not alone! You CAN do it.

MarthaW

Anne6263 post is awesome. I loved how she made the example of changing the tv view.


Remember, that he is resolving issues for himself and can't even think of coming back to you until they are resolved--the grass is greener over there, she is the one, not you etc. One day all of this will be proved untrue, but he has to come to that realization all by himself. You DON'T want him back until he has gotten it straight.

This is so true and are words of advice I also needed to understand. We are all here together and learning together and leaning on each. We can help one another stay strong. With each other's help we can do this!

I have been separated for 4 mos now, I am still sad but I am now able to see the beauty around me and most of it is in my kids. They are 23,18.17 and 11. I was so focused on him and us, that I was losing sight of the other important things in my life. My kids have helped me so much and we are all so much closer then we were. They have been very supportive of me. I think I have noticed how our world revolved too much around Dad. He is losing so much more then me. He is losing his whole family due to his lack of effort. In my misery when he first left, I too, was devistated. I felt I was losing everything. But as time is going on, I'm realizing the loss is truly his. I hope he gets it.

Try not to focus so much on him, one day at a time. It hurts, we all feel the pain, but it does lessen with time. It really does. Wishing you well