My H and I have been having problems for about a year. He has admitted to being "friends" with a co-worker (after I have found his cell phone bills where they called each other about 3 times BEFORE work (7 a.m.!!) as well as after, I've heard numerous rumors, all of which lead to they have had an affair. He doesn't admit it -- except the talking. I filed divorce in Feb. 2002 but just didn't serve him & he apologized, agreed to counseling, said he told her they would only keep a 'professional' relationship so I thought things were going to be better. Well, he went to counseling once, and the day I was going to officially sign papers to cancel the divorce I found out their friendship was still happening, so instead I had him served. Again he apologized, etc. etc. etc. We were apart for 2 weeks, he begged me back, promised me the moon, etc. etc. Again, I believed him and took him back. This time actually signing papers to cancel. Things were still rocky, he was still verbally abusive to me, went to counseling, but things seemed worse when we went because he never wanted to admit anything. So, basically if I just ignored what he did, things would be fine. Well, I have friends where he works and I find out things are still happening (ie., lunch, talking all the time, flirting, she sits in his office, etc. etc. <Previous rumors were MUCH WORSE> (he's also her boss). Anyway I catch them where she ran to buy them both lunch and brought it back to work (remember, we agreed he should have NO CONTACT with her except professional) he also admitted to her buying him a genuine diamond tie tack for his birthday (in May). She also would 'volunteer' to work extra hours-basically, whenever she was at work she was there too. Finally June 10th I filed divorce again, this time telling him I am not cancelling till things change. Well, he has treated me much better, however I still have heard they are 'talking' again and had a pop in the lunch room at work together and has helped him redecorate his new office. All of which he denies. Twice I have been in there and literally blew up. Confronting her for the 3rd time and announcing out loud that they have had an affair, etc. The two times I 'blew up' where when, of course, just as rumors prove, they are together at work and I walk in where they always seem to be working in the same area (office). Well someone called his boss and supposedly he talked to H and said we can't have your wife blowing up like this at work. Mind you, it is company policy they cannot be dating -- they would both get fired. He has since went to counseling (once) last week (only 5 weeks until our divorce which has sat 6 months.) He told our counselor about his boss coming in and that he has told this co-worker to "leave him alone, don't come by him". However, he has told me 2-3 times prior that he has made it clear to her that he has a family, etc. So whether this is true or not I'm not sure. She has broken up two other marriages in the past, also has a child by the first married couple, and just doesn't seem to give up.

He has been treating me a lot better, like I said, but doesn't seem to make a real effort to work on our marriage. He cancelled a counseling appointment this week to go hunting and help his dad. Doesn't seem to be concerned with what makes me happy -- just what he wants. I'm also afraid once I cancel the divorce, things will go back to what they were. So the big question, do I stick it out again -- hoping this time he's changed and his 'friendship' with this co-worker won't happen again. Or should I throw in the towel because I've given him dozens of chances, all of which he blew? Our marriage doesn't seem even in his list of priorities, and he only seems to so anything when push comes to shove. Any advice would be helpful!!!!!!!

Hi Faith7,

I will bump this thread up and post a link to it on GQII. Please don't give up on us...... it is hard keeping up with the influx of new ones. It is a shame that so many of us out here have to suffer so. Know that you are not alone and will find that many here do understand. We won't have all the answers nor can we guarantee that we can fix it all but we often have some pretty interesting thoughts and suggestions.

Pray for a calm heart and a clear mind....... don't be afraid to vent here.

take care,
L.

Hi Faith,
Unfortunatly it sounds like your H is addicted to OW. This is common. Read all you can on this site. Post on General Q's (more traffic, more advice) My H also had (has) A with co-worker. It is tough because she was part of a business he was starting. All very innocent and IMPORTANT. What could I say. If I complained it was "We need to meet for the business, she will only be in town a few weeks" When he was over in Romainia, "I have to see her about the business" I didn't know he was having an A. I felt he was falling in love with her. He denied. Well he was. He is. We are also getting a D. He wants it.

My only advice, just hold on, read all you can, post and vent, learn plan A & B.

Take care
Sharon

Are you still with us? I'm so sorry that it took us so long to get to your thread.. the Plan A/PLan B forum tends to be a little slow sometimes. But Orchid call out the troups.

So please let us know if you are here as we are looking for you.

Faith7,
Please let us know how you are, like the others said GQII gets alot more traffic, thank goodness for Orchid.

Alot of us have suffered from affairs occurring in the workplace, in fact alot of times the "cheating" spouse or as we call the "wayward spouse" (WS) does not even know they are having an affair.

This is what is called an "Emotional Affair" (EA) and is extremely dangerous. It may start out innocent enough, lunches here, phone calls there, etc but leads to much worse.

In my opinion, I would look into switching counselors, the MB counselors are wonderful, Steve and Jennifer. Yes, they may cost more, but definitely worth it.

It seems obvious that your husband has been able to open up in counseling. Have you always counseled as a couple?? If not, I would recommend him doing single sessions, the counselor may be able to pull out alot more information.

As for the divorce proceedings, this may backfire if you truly do not want the divorce. Here on MB, we recommend a strong Plan A, then Plan B, then if necessary, Plan D (divorce). Threatening divorce and not following through will only make him think he is getting away with things.

Try to read up on Plan A as much as possible.

Thanks to those that replied. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

It is so hard that they work together. Just last week I went in and they were sitting next to each other on pallots (spelling?). You couldn't fit 2 fingers between them. I blew up again at his work. Put my hand (sideways) between them and sternly said "do you think I could talk to you without 'fatal attraction' around. She looked up, got up and walked away.

I later talked with a co-manager under him (he, my H, is the main/head boss where he works) anyway. he said the other co-mgr. & him are on my side and whenever the two of them (meaning my H & OW) one of them tries to be with them so they are not alone. The co-mgrs. have had to deal with many rumors and gossip in the workplace regarding this. It is pretty sad to think that my H's employees under him have to make sure he is in line. I can't believe it.

When I "pull" away he seems to be nicer (snuggling, asking me how I'm doing, etc.) but as soon as I bring up anything to do with our relationship (even trying to talk about finances, that I'm not happy with the way things are going, etc.) he gets testy. So basically, if I avoid everything and ignore everything, then things would be great between us. for the time being anyway. I'm afraid he is just like this because I have divorce hanging over his head. He also signed a paper stating that if I ask him to leave the home, he will have to be gone within 24 hours of when the paper is filed in court. (it is just sitting in our file with my lawyer at this time). Like I said, if things go his way, things are just peachy. But when they're not, I'm afraid of him. the day I discovered their affair he was rough on me and the first time I filed divorce I was able to kick him out immediately and he could not return without police. the second time, i couldn't do anything because he had not touched me, however, the night of he did threated me and i just thought, i'm not even going there so i called 9-1-1. needless to say we are both in the home and he's been ok. i just believe that he doesn't want to move out.

i believe at this point his affair has ended -- at least on the surface -- because I know his boss talked to them both. His boss knows I went in and blew up, etc. etc. They really should both be fired because it is against company policy. However, my H is a great boss, brings in the numbers, etc. so I think they put up with him.

What I'm worried about is first -- he keeps telling me he did nothing wrong, just talk with her so "big deal, grow up and get over it" is what he tells me. Well, if he doesn't think he did anything wrong, then how do I know he won't do it again.

Second, after D day, he apologized, etc. etc. promised up and down there wouldn't be any contact, would tell her to keep away, etc. and that didn't happen, (this occured a few times). How many more chances do I give him??

Plus he justifies them being together because it is during work time -- so he thinks its ok. Like, her buying him a b-day present, or them working together at work, her running and getting them both lunch.

he accepted and wore the tie tack that she bought for his b-day (even after I confronted him and he lied about it) that he knew would be hurtful toward me. He just doesn't seem like he has any remorse or realizes how much this is tearing me apart.

third, he only goes to counseling when something happens -- like the tie tack, hidden note (which i never read), lunch ordeal, etc. only goes to counseling once, then quits. keeps telling me things like its a waste of time (counseling) and he is not wasting/spending his money on counseling. I have told him repeatedly how much this has hurt me and that i can't get over it and that if he really was concerned about me getting over it he would even just go to counseling for my sake. when push comes to shove again, he'll go once. now he is back to he won't go, waste of time & money etc.

I'm just not getting anywhere. Our D will be final on Nov. 12th (or at the 6 month mark) and I'm still at square one which is I don't trust him, I'm not happy, he doesn't put a whole lot of effort into our marraige, they still work together and i don't know if that can change, and i guess i don't know if he will 'go back to her' because she isn't giving up so to speak. i understand affairs happen but that's how they started, just doing their job (that is what they have both claimed, "I'm just doing my job" so how do I know it isn't going to go back to doing their job a little more, and a little more, a little talking, a little friendship, a little rubbing up against my husband (which customers/friends have seen when they walk in to their place of business) and it will be back to where it started. when i express these fears to my husband he denies that anything happen in the first place so i'm just all nonsense.

i would love for my marraige to work out and truly believe that he will be honest and faithful but i have my doubts and i just can't live with that especially since he doesn't even seem super concerned about my welfare through all of this. i truly believe he should be graveling at my feet because he was in the wrong.

i read a great book called "after the affair" It gave a lot of insight on how things started, each partner's feelings, surviving the affair, etc.

But I don't know if I will regret walking away from our marraige or not but i also can't keep going this way either.

Y

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Thanks for the advice Weary & Wary, I did threaten to call HR. They would both lose their job. It hasn't helped. His boss already knows anyway and has talked to him and her about it. Like I said, he brings in the numbers so I think they are bypassing it. Plus, he is a GOOD or should I say great talker so I'm sure he smoothed it over or made it look like it was all me.

He has commented to me that I'm the one spreading the rumors. Well I didn't even know about it till at least 6 plus months after it was going on (heavy). People told me (from his work) that they heard the rumors 6 plus months ago, that is how I know.

My lawyer said in one way it wouldn't do me any justice to get him fired -- I wouldn't get my child support, etc. Plus I read a book on verbal abusers -- you will never be right, so I don't even try any more. If he got fired, it wouldn't be because of that, it would be because I called. Same with our divorce, I'm the one splitting up the family, NOT him for his acts. Its a vicious cycle. I get so burnt out about it.

As far as finances go, we have spent more time, energy, money, emotions, etc. etc. etc. on this and he doesn't even have a clue. His cell phone bills used to be average $164. a month, plus about $3,000 so far in lawyer fees, (because I filed & canceled, then filed again), all the counseling, my phone bills (I need to talk about this so I call friends), same with my cell phone bill which I never used to use, no I call friends to talk (about him), check up on him, etc. I could go on, I'm sure you know though. Yet, he says he doesn't want to spend the money counseling, but in essence we are spending more money because things aren't getting any better. I just can't make him see.

I'm just concentrating on myself and the kids at this point. Doing the Plan A thing (being nice, doing everything he asks) etc. But looking for a job -- he has already earmarked his paychecks and I'm a stay-at-home mom so I'm getting a little worried about finances. I feel he is trying to make it so I don't have a dollar to my name. I baby sit a little boy and get about $25 a week. When I tell him we need something he asks what I did with my babysitting money. I know he wants me to spend that before he shucks any money out. It gets frustrating. Even though he's being nice, I'm just so leary on our marriage because he doesn't do anything beyond being nice to me (which should have been the norm all along).

Well, thanks for letting me vent. I'm still confused...........

I believe firmly that affairs can't end if the two people having them are still working together. I believe this due to my own experience with H having an intense EA/PA with a single co-worker. Even after she took a job transfer to another state to get promoted and I KNEW about their A by this time H stil wouldn't cut their ties that bind.I would secretly check his cell phone log and find out they had been calling each other then I'd go ask him and he'd flat out deny it. He had so little respect for me that he'd lie to save face. My H was like yours too in that he would talk the TALK about ending the A but not firmly walk the walk! In fact even though H filed for D first, and we were separated for awhile he moved back in to avoid losing custody of the kids. So he was here in body only not in spirit. I finally found out from my attorney that I could file legal stuff and get him off the couch in a few wks time and was about to do so. This began the reality check he needed to finally 'end it' with her once and for all. Have you read Dobson's book Love Must be Tough? I combined his ideas with ideas from Harley's book Surviving an Affair to figure out what to do. My H is tight with money ( I am a stay at home mom) and he began to see the light about what a D would cost with 3 kids to support and alimony for me for at least 5 yrs. He began to see that therapy and marriage wkends are much cheaper in the long run. I say the the road to recovery is narrow like some one else said on here. Don't be a doormat too long. Your H may be mad at you at first but will respect you eventually if you stand your ground with him and don't allow him to emotionally abuse you. Take care- lifeismessy

Your H sounds a lot like mine -- flat out denies things that I know about. Do they ever come clean and admit the A???? My H and OW still work together. He has a very good job, one of the best in the area, so it would be hard to quit and find a comparable one. Our family lives here, I have lived here all my life and have a small family and really don't want to leave the area if he took a job transfer. I'm sure she won't leave either -- she is a single mom, living with her parents (about 24-25 years old) my H is 33 and I'm 35, I'm sure she is not willing to quit/leave her job either.

My H is tight with money too. Although he spends it for what HE wants. He already pays support to his first wife, and coupled with me it would be half his take-home pay. I'm sure he doesn't want to shuck out all that money. I'm a stay at home mom too. Plus he has expensive tastes I'm sure he couldn't have if we split (ie. hefty truck payment, just bought tractor and several attachments, trailer etc. ) believe me he buys all the "toys" you can imagine, most of the time we have 2 of everything. I know he wouldn't be able to do that any more.

He seems sincere and wants to work it out but like you said -- he talks the talk but never walks the walk. He is a great talker. I've fell in to that trap many times. I'm pretty numb to it now. Deep down I believe he loves me, but on his terms. I guess this past year has really made me look at my life and realize what makes me happy. Prior to the A he would always get verbally abusive due to many stresses at work. I just took it in stride and knew it would usually be from about Sept - Jan. Then he'd be the perfect husband. This year, obviously with the A he just kept being verbally abusive, it never let up so to speak. He's been really nice to me (which SHOULD be a norm)but I keep wondering if I cancel the divorce will he go back to his old ways. He hasn't done anything out of the ordinary to make me trust in him or believe things won't revert. In fact the last three times I've went in to his work they have been in the same area working together (2 of the 3 I know they were legitimately working, the other I think she was just glued to him like old times) anyway, I just can't deal with the fact that they work together anymore.

I told him last night how unhappy I was in our marriage and didn't want to live the rest of my life like this. Plus he knows I've been very active about looking for a job (which is hard to do because I really want to be home to raise my children. It will just kill me when I have to leave the kids, probably something I will never forgive him for). I'm partly looking because I don't know where the future leads, but he spends so much it is at the point I'm getting nervous. I'm the saver, never buys extravagant and all our toys are his. Well, since I discovered the affair we have spent money on extras like counseling, lawyers, etc. and I have spent a little myself (nothing even near what he spends) but he usually spends it all. Now when his check comes, he tells me where he wants it to go and there isn't much left for the day to day things like when I get a babysitter to go to my counseling apt. He just keeps asking me where my babysitting money is (I get 20-25 a week). It's like he wants me to depend on him totally so there's a better chance I will stay with him. I'm sure its partly a control thing -- but ironically, he used to tell me to get a job. Like he perceived raising our children as nothing and not worth me being with him. I'm a very good mom and very involved with my children. He knows that. But he used to throw at me that staying home is a luxury. Well, I know people who make 5 times less what we do and they stay home. If its important in your life, I believe you'll find the way. Things like that don't seem to important to him. At least not on the surface.

I wish I could find a job working out of the home, although I have done a little daycare but something else would be nice. Just so I could still be involved with the kids and work off of their schedule. I keep looking. Somethings got to crop up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Faith7 -
Boy, do I know how you feel! I am in the exact same boat and the girl you're speaking of actually sounds a lot like the OW I'm having to deal with. She had a child from a previous affair she had (but the man and his wife are still together for whatever reason) and then she moved in on my H.

When I found out he admitted to it and we've been to counseling and all that and things seemed to be heading in the right direction. However, I have no idea where he is tonight. He was supposed to be at work but when I called there they said he was gone at 5pm. His cell phone is off so I can't contact him, I can only assume he's with her again and its not over and of course I'm going crazy but still find the strength to read MB and even post.

It sounds like you've given him a lot of chances to redeem himself, and one hard fact to swallow that I've learned on this site is that we can't force the end of an affair. Its ben hard for me too, maybe you should just move out? I've been thinking about it too, I've tried Plan A but if my H is just going to continue than what's the point? Think about divorce before you actually do it. If you can afford it, just be on your own for awhile and not live with him, if you don't have any kids this may seem like the best route to take for now? I just might do the same thing. Look to God for strength, that's about the best advice I can give.

He has agreed to move out but whether he actually will is doubtful. We have two kids so it would be easier for me to stay in the home with them. It would also be hard for me to find somewhere because I don't even have a job at this point. I'm looking though......

In some ways, I really do believe the affair is over, however, because he can't admit he did anything wrong and all he did was "talk" to her. I am so afraid that down the road we will be right back to where we started. Especially because they work together and she won't give up. Plus I found out in February and they were still involved with each other in June when I filed (that is of course, while I filed..... again....). I just believe if he really loved me he would have quit and worked on us ----- I did read in a book that after an A is found out, sometimes it takes months (sometimes years) to end. (Well, I don't think I can wait that long or any longer than what I have been. I also don't trust him what-so-ever and believe you need that in a marriage. That is another reason why I can't bring myself to cancel the divorce. He has been super super nice to me the last few nights. Offering to buy me presents etc. (he is materialistic in my opinion) but he doesn't realize that is not what I'm looking for--- even when I tell him.

I hope this doesn't sound like a bashing husband letter. I am just so confused on what to do. He has gone to counseling, but what he'll do is go, then won't go until about 2 months or so, so its like he has to start over, then it'll be another 2 months. (and when he goes it is usually when I discovered they were together or something where he probably things, oh boy, I better go 'cuz I don't have a choice.

I don't feel like he is making a concerted effort. He always finds every excuse under the book why he can't go to counseling. too busy at work, hunting, helping dad, on vacation, etc. etc. I just feel if he wanted to work on our relationship he'd pick up the phone, make an appointment and go. Is that asking too much?

Faith7:

Your H sounds like mine. First constantly denying everything even though you have proof and others see, and then promising the world to make you calm down and back off. DON'T! He will only do it again. Been married 9 years and initially it was his family always pulling things and him running off to do for them including constantly taking our bill money to pay for their bills because they bought tons of clothing and new carpet and furniture. Now it's a OW that he's giving (oh, I'm sorry -- he says loaning)money to, paying hotel charges, riding around in his new truck, and now she's even working with H. He does construction and is on-site supervisor. She kept hanging around until she finally got her way. I drove to the site one day unannounced to find that only the two of them were still there. Supposedly she knew how to do drywall --- I watched; OW couldn't even hold the hammer and I told him so. It was simply an excuse for OW to be around. Since he hired her I told him to get rid of her and he could use the reason that she evidently did not know anything about the job. Of course he refused and said he couldn't do that. I told him he should never had hired her or allowed her to constantly hang around the jobsite (especially for hazard and insurance reasons). H said I was being stupid and that people come to the jobsite all the time. And it continues even now.

Pray and then move on. That's what my plans are.
Good luck!

Thanks for all the advice from everyone. All I can say is UUUGGGGGGHHHHH! It gets so frustrating because I feel like I'm the only one working on our relationship yet he is the one that screwed it up with an A.

I've told him over and over if we are going to work he has to go to counseling. Once again he is not going. A few nights ago before he left for our camp(Tues) I basically told him it was over, too little too late sort of thing. He seemed upset/sad by it and when he came home on Wednesday did some sucking up. But his way of thinking things will work -- ie. wants to buy me presents, called me from his work the next day and asked if he could give me a 'nickname' and has started calling me that. Said (on thurs. morn) he would call the counselor first thing on thurs. morn. and make an appointment. He then called me at 1:00 p.m. and said he called our investment rep. and made a bunch of changes in our stocks -- looking after our "best interests" -- is buying more stock -- which of course we don't even have the money for he is writing a check out of our home equity account. Ugh on that too. Anyway, I then asked if he called our counselor and made an appointment and he said no, but he'll do it right away. He seems to think he can call last minute with our counselor and get in when HE wants to. Like life/everyone revolves around him. This week he is on vacation (for 9 days) -- not going anywhere, just running back and forth between home, camp and his dad's for hunting. Do you think he would find 1 hour in those 360 to go to a counseling appointment??? Nope. When I asked him, he just got out of bed this morning right after I said that and didn't even answer. I feel now that if I don't move on with the D then it will always be him calling the shots and me trailing behind. Like I'm not even worth fighting for. Plus, then he'll know he can get away with 'it' again.

I guess my plans are to move on as well, but I'm a little scared because when I put the big hammer down (kick him out) He gets very vindictive. He is a "win at all cost" type of guy. In the past he has stoled things of mine, which are now lost. With his first wife, I saw how he cashed in accounts, hid stuff and lots of money in his briefcase at work (one of his best friends at the time told me that), and kept the important things like all the baby pictures, pictures, baby album, anything techy that was worth any value, he even kept her recipe box and she used to do ceramics so she had a lot of ceramic decorations that she made. he kept them all. when we got married, i made him give her recipe box back and the ceramics. good grief. so i know how he can be. Martin Luther King once wrote 'you cannot judge a man's character in times of triump, but in times of turbulence.' or something like that. Basically sure when things are going good for him it's all fine and dandy but if the boat gets a little rocky, all h--- breaks loose. That is how it always has been with us. I remember 5 years ago reading that poem and thinking of my husband. So, I'm scared the day we really have to split up. Once he's out of the house, it'll be easy. And to think the first time I filed for the divorce I had kicked him out of the house -- I wouldn't even have had to worry about all of this now. I don't know. He signed a paper saying he would leave within 24 hours of it being filed in the courts. Friends and everyone tell me just go somewhere else for those 24 hours -- but I am so afraid of what he will steal I feel I need to be here. It even makes it harder for the fact that we have two children. It's hard to run around following him making sure he doesn't take anything (like my pictures, jewelry) yet watch two little ones too. I've asked our babysitter if at that time she would watch the kids for the 24hours. she is an older woman, kinda like a grandma to the kids and then that way i could concentrate on what he is doing/taking. also, i don't think he would get as nasty with another person here. and that would be someone to help call the cops if i need too. last time he threatened me and said "better not fall asleep or I'll find a knife in my back" so i called the cops. i thought i am not putting up with this again. he lied to the cops (and his sister when she called) and told them he didn't say anything, but i threated him by saying "i'm going to blow your head off" which was not true. he even told the cops that when they came. he had one cop totally snowjobed. the cop even told him many women call when they file divorce saying that their husband did something so that it would be easier to kick the husband out. i can't believe that!!!!!!!!!!!!! the other cop who was here believed me because he was the one that came to my door when my husband actually did throw me around, try choking me, etc. but at the time i was afraid to admit to everything. although it probably looked obvious. so, that is why i'm afraid. i believe to some extent if he was already out of the house it would be soooooo much easier to move on.

well, any advice?????? thanks for letting me vent today too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />