Have posted many times and just would love some advice. I have read everything on this site. I know you said that all of a sudden you have been snowed in but if you get a chance to see some of my threads I would love some input. i have posted here in the questions forum, in the infedility archives(thats my first post) and in the divorce/divorcing forum. thank you for anything you can do and for taking time to help all of us.

Uh huh. Love to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But here's the deal, I really don't have time (5 kids at home.. oh wait only 4 ..good grief I can't even count <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , 15+hours a week undivided attention time with H, coaching practice,MB coaching course homework, working on growing business, doing workshops, writing stuff, remmodelling house.... etc..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) to hunt up previous posts.

So, if you give me the basics here, I'll ask whatever else I need to know and then we can take it from there. Kind of like ALS and I did.

Will that work for you? If you post here and I don't see it right away, please email me and let me know. info@lifeworks-coaching.net

Alrighty then, waiting for more info. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C

Thank you I understand on time. i have four boys 5,4,20mnth,and 9mnths old this is going to be long so please bear with me and again THANK YOU!!

My H an I have been married for a little over & years and everything was going great. The past six months had been rough. He was working two jobs just to make ends meet and I was at home taking care of everything else. We were both sleep deprived and if one was not sleeping the other one was. We did talk we should have done more though Sex was not the problem we got plenty. But being tired all the time was takinga a toll. So we nit picked at each other. Thats what I think went wrong.
My H moved out on Sept. 4 2002. In the beginning of August he told me that there was someone else but that the were just talking and that all I told him that eh needed to figure out what he wanted me and the boys or her because was not getting both. He left that night and came back in the morning after being passed out drunk at his granfathers grave. He said that he loves me and could not lose me and his family we mean everything. He agreed to no contact with OW and if she tried to contact him he will let me know. He also got down on his knees and asked me to marry him again. So we wereplanning on when. The next two weeks were great we talked more than before great sex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> it was like being on a honeymoon with kids. The next week I got sick and he took care of me and the kids then one night he did not come home from work kike he use too. Icalled the office and they said that he already called in 42 which means he is off duty so they called him on the radio for me he called me back. He said he was tlaking with a friend. He came home about a hour and a half later and his attitude had changed. He was angry kept sayning he could not believe what he put me through did not know what he wanted said that he did not deserve me. He wanted some time apart because he did not want us to see himthis way. He was walking aroung could not sit still hitting walls and the dining room table We got into a fight on Sept 4 I did not know what was gong on with him He kicked a trash can hurt his foot That scared me this was not the man that I know. I was scared. I told him to take a couple of days to . Thant I love him very much. Itold him that maybe the stress of working was getting to himand that maybe he should quite one job and I go to work but he refused said that the kids needed me more. I found out later that the time he did not come home till the early morning was that this Sergent was making him take off a week with no pay. He went to work then his mother brought me the car said that Mike called her at work and asked her to bring it to me. That night I searched everywhere. My father went down and talked with his sargent and told him that my H did not come home left us with no money, no food and no diapers. He told my father that he had a girlfriend and was probly there. That it had been going on for a month. She had went down and told him that she was having A with him and threated to go public. I found her number to try and get a hold of him. I then found out that we were getting evected from the house we were ever 1000 behind in rent I left a message on her voicce mail. Ipacked up some things and the boys and I stayed the night at my parents house. When I returned to start packing we had just that weekedn to move only time I was going to get some muscle help his clothes and some of his tools were gone. He called me and said that he could not do it anymore I asked what he said any of it. Isaid me and the boys he said I can't do it I want a divorce. This was before my birthday the day before happy b-day to me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> The next week I went and talked to an attorny to find out what my opstion were. I talked with H several times but he kept saying this was best for now we can stop it at anytime. He did not know if he was inlove with me anymore. I refused to file. Then he did not show up or call for our sons b-day. I decided then to file. I had to protect my kids and me. When I went in I found out that my H went there to try and get counsel but since they had spoken with me first they could not talk to him. I hired him. My H was served with papers and a restraing order. WE went to court he got visitaion every othr Saturday and had to pay child support. For visiataion he can not have OW around the kids during the time he has them can not consume alcohol and use tobacoo(he dips) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well he broke the agreement OW was around kids everytime and he is now three months behind child supoort. He called one time and said that they were going out of town and that he will not see the boys crushed my 5 year old daddys boy. He was such a good daddy and husband before all this. I called back and OW answerd refused to let me talk to H said that they will come get their kids next weekend I told that they are my children not hers she said they will be soon and hung up.
Here is her-- she has had many affairs with married men her husband died last year from an accident after he found out about her A's. She has been married 4 times already. Areal S***. I found out as much as I could about her even talked with two people she had A's with. She had got my H fired from wrking as a deputy. Had our car repoed saying that H did not want it anymore. Threatened me three times saying that she will get the boys next. Called CPS on me, tried to run me over(i filed a complaint with the police department about that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) Told my kids that she will be thier new mommy and that they will live with her. Her father filed a complaint about me saying that I was calling her at work and harrasing her do not know her work number let alone want to act like achild
Here is what is going on now--Itold H that I did not apprciate what was going on her father filing a complain on me and what she said on the phone to me. He said that I do not have to worry about it anymore that he was moving out that day/night. We talked for almost an hour very nice I listend to him He lost his job again I told him that I still love him Everytime I saw him I always told him that I also said that he can come back at anytime he said he did not know becuae of my father.He is pretty pissed at my H says things when he comes over that he better pay child suport. I told him that my parents would like to see us back together and had said that what ever they could do they would. I told him that they are hurting to they feel thery are losing a son. He was in tears the whole time we talked. I told him that if we do divorce that he will always be my H that I love him with all my heart and can forgivehim for his A but I do not think I would be able to forgive him if he did not give us a second chance. When he broght the boys back I noticed that ehwas not wearing his ring(how ever it was not really his anyways He lost his in August when he moved out he found one on the ground he said it was not his his as a mark on it this one did not and that he just put in on Now that he moveed out of her house he took it off. So lost his had one on when he was with her now does not. I asked him its over its really over. He said I am not saying that at all and kissed the boys told me his mother new phone number incase I needed to talk to him and left.
He is staying with a friend his things are at his mothers house he has not called me or the boys. He has checks boucing and no work no car and no plae to call home. He did say that his Thanksgiving sucked asked me how ours was told him that it was not the same with out <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Sorry this is so long THANK YOU him

BUMP!! Thanks for reading.
I hope you had a happy birthday.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY

Hi!!!

I'm here today and have time this afternoon. (What a week!!)

B-day was wonderful, thanks!!!!

C

I understand on time. i have four boys 5,4,20mnth,and 9mnths old this is going to be long so please bear with me and again THANK YOU!!

Well, then you know what it's like around here! Thankfully we are out of the diaper/baby stage, but into the teenager, sports, music, scouting, activities one instead. I don't know which is more difficult, ask me in 10 years when the youngest turns 18!! LOL

My H an I have been married for a little over & years and everything was going great. The past six months had been rough. He was working two jobs just to make ends meet and I was at home taking care of everything else. We were both sleep deprived and if one was not sleeping the other one was. We did talk we should have done more though Sex was not the problem we got plenty.

Yes, one might suspect that there was a little sexual activity going on at your house <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But seriously, I see where the problems probably started.

But being tired all the time was takinga a toll. So we nit picked at each other. Thats what I think went wrong.

Actually, the nit-picking as you call it is a symptom of things already gone wrong. When our needs are met and we feel connected to our spouse, then we tend to be forgiving of the little things that happen. We do our best to be polite and to avoid doing things we know irritates our mate.

But, when we get overwhelmed with work and kids, get no sleep and have no time for each other... the first thing that goes out the window is meeting needs. Couples MUST have a minimum of 15 hours EACH WEEK that they spend giving each other their very best undivided attention.

That means: no kids, no tv, no friends, no relatives... just the two of you. During that time should be meeting the needs of Conversation, Recreational Companiopnship, Affection, and Sexual Fulfillment.

When the kids and the job got to be too much you stopped meeting each other's needs. You lost the intimate connection, the romantic relationship. Without that to hold you together you are on the slippery slope.

My H moved out on Sept. 4 2002. In the beginning of August he told me that there was someone else but that the were just talking and that all I told him that eh needed to figure out what he wanted me and the boys or her because was not getting both.

It's good to let him know that you won't tolerate being part of a trio. It's also best if you let him know that what he is doing is horribly painful for you.

He agreed to no contact with OW and if she tried to contact him he will let me know. He also got down on his knees and asked me to marry him again. So we wereplanning on when. The next two weeks were great we talked more than before great sex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> it was like being on a honeymoon with kids. The next week I got sick and he took care of me and the kids then one night he did not come home from work kike he use too.

There are 2 big mistakes that BS's make over and over. Well, maybe three, depending on how you count them. They are: not letting the WS know how much the A hurts. Not going to Plan B soon enough (this happens all the time and is a terrible mistake). Not setting the conditions under which the M continues once the WS agrees to end the A.

First there needs to be n/c. Which it seems he promised you. But part of recovery is putting into place extraordinary precautions to make sure there is not contact in the future.

That means being accountable 24/7 for time, whereabouts and money. Until the WS agrees to those conditions, and a few others... he or she does not get to move home, does not get to resume the relationship with the BS. Period.

He wanted some time apart because he did not want us to see himthis way.

Time alone is one of the most used lines in order to have privacy to see the OP.

He was walking aroung could not sit still hitting walls and the dining room table We got into a fight on Sept 4 I did not know what was gong on with him He kicked a trash can hurt his foot That scared me this was not the man that I know. I was scared. I told him to take a couple of days to .

I think this would have been the time to go to Plan B. When the WS is trying to make up his/her mind between the spouse and the lover, that's the time for Plan B. Assuming of course you have done some Plan A work.

I found out later that the time he did not come home till the early morning was that this Sergent was making him take off a week with no pay.

Well that explains the temper tantrum. But why the time off?

My father went down and talked with his sargent and told him that my H did not come home left us with no money, no food and no diapers. He told my father that he had a girlfriend and was probly there. That it had been going on for a month. She had went down and told him that she was having A with him and threated to go public.

Definitely time for Plan B. And getting his wages garnished for child support. Is he in the military? You have a lot of resources if he is. They will end affairs in a heartbeat.

I found her number to try and get a hold of him. I then found out that we were getting evected from the house we were ever 1000 behind in rent I left a message on her voicce mail. Ipacked up some things and the boys and I stayed the night at my parents house. When I returned to start packing we had just that weekedn to move only time I was going to get some muscle help his clothes and some of his tools were gone. He called me and said that he could not do it anymore I asked what he said any of it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{helphopeful}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

How awful. You must be terrified.

He did not know if he was inlove with me anymore. I refused to file.

That's a pretty run of the mill statement from anyone having an A also. They are comparing the fantasy feelings they have with the OP to how they feel about you.

My H was served with papers and a restraing order. WE went to court he got visitaion every othr Saturday and had to pay child support. For visiataion he can not have OW around the kids during the time he has them can not consume alcohol and use tobacoo(he dips) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well he broke the agreement OW was around kids everytime and he is now three months behind child supoort.

Can you get his child support withheld from his wages?

He called one time and said that they were going out of town and that he will not see the boys crushed my 5 year old daddys boy. He was such a good daddy and husband before all this.

When people get involved in affairs they seem to lose half their intelligence and all their integrity. It is amazing the things people will give up for their addiction to the OP. And it IS an addiction.

I called back and OW answerd refused to let me talk to H said that they will come get their kids next weekend I told that they are my children not hers she said they will be soon and hung up.

OMG!!!! that's terrible! I am so sorry.

He said that I do not have to worry about it anymore that he was moving out that day/night.

Moving out of her house?

Everytime I saw him I always told him that I also said that he can come back at anytime he said he did not know becuae of my father.He is pretty pissed at my H says things when he comes over that he better pay child suport

Actually, you need to tell him that he can come back when he ends the A and promises to never see or speak to her again. Otherwise it will just be a continuation of what you've been through.

So, he is still seeing the OW? Still not deciding what to do? You definitely are ready for Plan B.

Do you know what needs to go into a Plan B letter and how it works?

I'm more than willing to help you with that.

It's time to protect you from further pain, and for him to know that he cannot have his cake and eat it too. Sounds like life is not so nice for him with the OW. That's good. Then the A will end sooner rather than later.

Let me know what I can do to help. My advice is definitely Plan B.

Many hugs and blessings to you. You are very brave to go through all this!

C

Now that I see another perpsective I can see that now the stress of work and family put a toll on both of us. We had always stayed up late talking about each others day spending time together no matter what it was. Also during the past couple of days i relized that i also forgot who I was. i forgot that I liked to laugh ,smile play dance. I know now who I am and I know what I want. I also in my heart and the pit of my stomach feel that we can work our problems out.
You said that Ishould tell him how much it hurts me I have I told him that it kills me to think of him with OW. I told him that in time I can forgive him for the A but it will take time and he will have to build up trust agian. I told him right now I do not trust him he said he knows and that he is so sorry for that. You also said that in order for him to come home he would have to break all contact with OW. That I have said to him twice should I keep tellling him?
I see now after being on the board what mistakes Imade after he had first told me about her and that he wanted me not her. The first two weeks were great but then work and kids we did not continue to live the spark that was there. I think no I know that is still there when I see the look in his eyes. that where i can tell if he his lying. During that time he had no contact with her at all. She on the other hand had paged him one night when he was working but he left the pager at the house. I saw the number called back she answed I said you just paged my husband she did not say anything I called her back and got her voice mail told her not to page or call or talk to my H again or I will press harrasment chargers on her. i left the number on the pager and showed it to him when he got home he swore he had not seen her since we he promised me he wouldn't and I checked he gave me everything that he did during work his where abouts who he talked with. I know that at the time he did not see her. I know your probably saying everyone says that in my gut I know he was telling me the truth then. Then everything snow balled from there.
He was working as a Deputy Sheriff for the county that we live in. He is no longer working there and won't be working as a police officer for a long time if at all. He was fired the next week. He quite his other job by phone they told me that he would have never done. They said he went from being a dependable employee to someone they could not count on at all. So he went to work in construction something that he hated doing before. He did it right after high school and during the time he was in the police academy. Well he was fired from that job because he was late to work and there was some times he did not show. So he his now looking for another job. I talked with his mother and she said he has not found anything yet and is waiting for some call backs.
I talkied with her sometime yesterday asked how he was doing gave her a coat for him to wear since it was getting colder. She said that he is ok is drinking alot. She said that he got drunk one night and said that he screwed everything up she said what did he mean he told her everything he screwed up with the boys with work with home with me. She told him that drinking was not going to solve his problems for him that they will be there in the morning with a hang over.
When he left us he moved in and was living with OW. He has moved out infact she kicked him out from what I hear they were not getting along with each other. When he had the boys for visitaion my 5 year old said that OW told daddy he was moving out to night and was mean to him and daddy was mean to her. Now please don't think I hound them about what they did I ask them if they had fun if OW is around(court order says no one of the opposite sex that is not related can be around) adn if they ate lunch. When I was over at my mothe inlaws house she called to talk with im he was not there she said she was holding her grandchild and he was not there. I am hoping that there is no contact between them. I know that everyone in the family is telling him that it is good that he left her and that he should stay away from a s*** like her she is trouble. I hope he listens to them. I have not talked with hi since last Saturday I only leave a message with his brother or mother if it concerns the boys but I will not just call to talk to him I think he should have to make the first move. Right?
About this plan B letter what should be in it. I have read some other peoples letters and I know I think what I should to put in it I would love some help. Do i give it to him person and watch him read it or give it to some one who will give it to him ? he has no address of his own. He has lost everything car,jobs, house, boys, wife, bounced checks,best friend he has had for nine years:teary:
I think that I have been in plan B could you tell me what it completly intails. Like I said I don't talk to him until he has visitation and its mostly him wanting to talk I let him go when he goes not trying to hold on to talk more. I leave messages with the people who I can depend on to give them to him only if ther is a problem with the boys not talking to him by phone or mail.
I can see what went wrong better now. I told him last Saturday that if we D he will always be my h in my heart. I told him that I know we can have a better marrige if given a chance and I told him that I loved him very much

BUMP
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I just found out that he is back living with her. His things are still at his mothers house but he is staying with her. I know I should not have asked this but I asked him if they are getting back together he said probably. I talked to his mother and told her that I did not understand why he went from being a totally involved daddy to only everyother Saturday father. She said the not waking up next to the right person. She said that he told her that the reason why he does not call to talk with the boys or anything is that I might talk him into comming back. Right now I don't know if I want him to come back. I still love him I do but I am so tired of this. Is this normal what he is saying? I did tell her that he will not be hearing from me anything that happens to or about the boys that he should know I will tell her but other than that I have nothing to say to him. Right now I am pist off. Right now he just lost his best friend of nine years the first love of his life and he is about to lose what love I do have for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> His mother does not understand she said that she is so confused now more than anything he says to her one thing and does another. I had to vent and I really do not have anyone here that I can vent to so thank you
I hope your weekend was nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ooooohhhhh, and it was starting to sound like the A was going to be over.

Well, it's defintely time for Plan B.

Here are the things that need to go into a Plan B letter.

1. I love you.
2. I married you for life. I want to stay married to you.
3. I know there are things I did that hurt you..(BRIEFLY name one or two.)
4. I know there are things I didn't do that you needed to be happy. (BRIEFLY mention those.)
5. I am committed to being the wife you've always wanted. I am dedicated to avoiding the things that hurt you, and to doing the things that make you happy.
6. Your relationship with OW is so painful that it is destroying the love I have for you. Until it ends, I cannot see or speak to you.
7. I have arranged that you can see the children with ________ as an intermediary.

How about if you write that, and post it here. I can help you clean it up and make sure there are no LBers. (We're too close to our own stuff to do a good job of writing those letters on our own. I had help with mine this summer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Hugs,

C

Thanks I will post it soon.

I had wrote this a long time ago but I never gave it to him.

HIS NAME,

Nine years ago we met. We danced and talked. There was always so much to say to each other. You always had a way of making things better. I was so very comfortable talking to you about ewverything and anything. Your opions I valued, I learned so much from you, I respected you. We would sit for hours just talking. I even loved the way you would talk about your passiom for cars, een in the middle of the night after the boys were asleep I loved it. The fact that I can not share these late night heart to heatr conversations is something that I truly miss. There is so much that I want to say to you right now but it is very difficult for me to speak to you with out crying so I am writing you this letter.
First I want to say that I love you very much and will until the day I die. Your are the father of my children and my first and only true love. I know that there was some things in our marriage that contributed to your affair. I allowed the business of having a clean house, and tending to everyone elses need before yours. I should have never allowed to take your love for granted. I was stuck in what you would call a fantasy world where nothing could ever come between us. I believe that there were times that I was not there for you when you needed me. I should have stayed up longer after you got home from work to talk, let you get more sleep. I let the hussle and bussle of life, house dishes T.V. sleep, come before you. I am truly sorry. I also forgot who I was. I forgot that I love to laugh to play to smile. these are mistakes that I willnever make again.
My memories of you and our love play in my head all the time. The look in your eyes when you asked me to marry you again the way you held me in your arms at night. There is nothing about you that I don not miss. When I see an old car I wonder what you would say about it how you would imagine how to restore it. The way you would find that special place to scratch your back like a bear. Even the things that I thought I would never miss I do, like the way you scratch you feet or take the covers at night. I took for granted that we would always have a tomorrow that there will always be tomorrow to make up for the things that happened tday. I never considered i would run out of tomorrows. I know you once loved me you said it all the times showed it all the time we were planning on the rest of our future together with our children. I hope that when you look back on the nine years that we have been togehter you see the good things and that you will have no regrets. You have always been my companion my best friend my lover my teacher. I would not trade what we had for anything in the world just look at what our love created.
I want you to be happy. I loved to see you smile. To hear you say I love you the way it made me feel, special. The way you looked when I said "I love you" happy. It is frustrating to me because I know in my heart and soul that we can be even better, have a better marriage. It may be selfish for me but I truly believe that noone can make you happier than me. I understand that it may not seem that way to you now but I also feel that in time somewhere down the road that will change. When you are ready to come home i promise to continue to work on this with all my heart. We have forever to end our marriage but we have a short time to save it. I believe that it is worht saving restoring a love that can be better than ever before. This can be an opportunity for a better marriage and I am prepared to do my part. I married you for life in good times and bad, and I want to stay married to you. I love you!! I love you more than I thiught I could. I wish I could go back intime and hold you a little longer, kiss you a little softer. I would give anything for those late night talks and love making that was so sweet and pure. I do not want to simply go back to the same I want it to be better. I want our marriage to be better than it ever was. Everyday should be filled with heart to heart conversations, cuddling on the couch watching one of those crazy action movies, wrestling aroun with each other having fun dancing. Everyday was a gift I had you in my life. I would have missed the dance of life with you. There are so many more dance we have together. I hope and pray that our dance is not over. I love you with everything I have my heart and soul is yours. That is why I this is going to be hard for me to say. I am no longer going to talk or see you until you breake off all contact with her. It hurts me to much. Just know that when you are ready for us I am here for you. I love you______!! We have a life a family a love of a life time.
I love you more today than yesterday but less than tomorrow. Hugs and kisses.

Your loving wife

I for got to add He has visitaion saturday I would love to give it to him then so if you have any free time with your shcedule I don't know i would love to give him his letter then Thank you so much Ceri for your help

Ok, I can look at it and help out in the morning.

Can you do something for me? In your next post, put some white space in between the paragraphs. Just hit enter occassionally. It makes reading (especially on a laptop) a LOT easier. Thanks!

See ya in the morning.

C

Thanks. I do apologize for not spacing paragraphs propperly I was just not thinking. Thanks again for your continued help your a gem.

Well finally I get here!! Sorry, I know you need this by the weekend. It's been a busy week around here!

HIS NAME,

Nine years ago we met. We danced and talked. There was always so much to say to each other. You always had a way of making things better. I was so very comfortable talking to you about ewverything and anything. Your opions I valued, I learned so much from you, I respected you. We would sit for hours just talking. I even loved the way you would talk about your passiom for cars, een in the middle of the night after the boys were asleep I loved it. The fact that I can not share these late night heart to heatr conversations is something that I truly miss. There is so much that I want to say to you right now but it is very difficult for me to speak to you with out crying so I am writing you this letter.

Now, if you've read some of the men's letters that I've helped with, they tend to be long and full of loving word and memories. Because women tend to feel good reading that. But men, OTOH generally want to get to the point. They don't have a lot of patience for reading a bunch of what to them is sentimental drivel. Especially if they are having an A.

So, although there's nothing wrong with that paragraph, let's shorten it a little so we don't lose him in the first 30 seconds. I would leave in this:

Nine years ago we met. We danced and talked. There was always so much to say to each other. You always had a way of making things better.

And this: Your opions I valued, I learned so much from you, I respected you.

And this: here is so much that I want to say to you right now but it is very difficult for me to speak to you with out crying so I am writing you this letter.

First I want to say that I love you very much and will until the day I die. Your are the father of my children and my first and only true love.

Take out the part about loving until the day you die. If he continues to hurt you the way he is, you will eventually lose all your love for him. The rest is good.

I know that there was some things in our marriage that contributed to your affair. I allowed the business of having a clean house, and tending to everyone elses need before yours. I should have never allowed to take your love for granted. I was stuck in what you would call a fantasy world where nothing could ever come between us. I believe that there were times that I was not there for you when you needed me. I should have stayed up longer after you got home from work to talk, let you get more sleep. I let the hussle and bussle of life, house dishes T.V. sleep, come before you. I am truly sorry. I also forgot who I was. I forgot that I love to laugh to play to smile. these are mistakes that I willnever make again.

I like this but it's long. Can you say something like, " I know that neglecting you to take care of the housework and everyone else was part of what led to the A. I took you for granted thinking nothing could ever come between us. I will never make that mistake again."

The same idea, but a little fewer words. We want to grab his interest and keep him reading. We want to make an impact and have him remember the main point.

Also, you need to address any LBers you might have had. Did you demand, show disrespect or get angry? Be sure to say that you have a plan and are working to eliminate those things entirely.

My memories of you and our love play in my head all the time. The look in your eyes when you asked me to marry you again the way you held me in your arms at night. There is nothing about you that I don not miss. When I see an old car I wonder what you would say about it how you would imagine how to restore it. The way you would find that special place to scratch your back like a bear. Even the things that I thought I would never miss I do, like the way you scratch you feet or take the covers at night. I took for granted that we would always have a tomorrow that there will always be tomorrow to make up for the things that happened tday. I never considered i would run out of tomorrows.

This is very nice, but once again too many words. I know it feels like you need to say everything that is in your heart. To be most effective though, it needs to be written for best impact. I would keep the first and last sentences only.

I know you once loved me you said it all the times showed it all the time we were planning on the rest of our future together with our children. I hope that when you look back on the nine years that we have been togehter you see the good things and that you will have no regrets. You have always been my companion my best friend my lover my teacher. I would not trade what we had for anything in the world just look at what our love created.

Take out the part about looking back and no regrets... obviously he does because he was unhappy, and we don't want to invalidate that or have him think you don' t know that.

I want you to be happy.

Then add something like... and I'm willing to do what it takes to be the wife you've always wanted.

I loved to see you smile. To hear you say I love you the way it made me feel, special. The way you looked when I said "I love you" happy. It is frustrating to me because I know in my heart and soul that we can be even better, have a better marriage.

Take this out.

It may be selfish for me but I truly believe that noone can make you happier than me.

This is good, but let's change it to something like... I married you for life, and I believe no one can make you happier than I am willing to do. No one else shares the history we do, no one else will ever be the mother of your children.

I understand that it may not seem that way to you now but I also feel that in time somewhere down the road that will change.

Let's not go there.

When you are ready to come home i promise to continue to work on this with all my heart.

I like this.

We have forever to end our marriage but we have a short time to save it. I believe that it is worht saving restoring a love that can be better than ever before. This can be an opportunity for a better marriage and I am prepared to do my part.

Take this out.

I married you for life in good times and bad, and I want to stay married to you. I love you!! I love you more than I thiught I could. I wish I could go back intime and hold you a little longer, kiss you a little softer. I would give anything for those late night talks and love making that was so sweet and pure. I do not want to simply go back to the same I want it to be better. I want our marriage to be better than it ever was.

Good.

Everyday should be filled with heart to heart conversations, cuddling on the couch watching one of those crazy action movies, wrestling aroun with each other having fun dancing. Everyday was a gift I had you in my life. I would have missed the dance of life with you. There are so many more dance we have together. I hope and pray that our dance is not over. I love you with everything I have my heart and soul is yours.

Take this out. It's good, just long.

That is why I this is going to be hard for me to say. I am no longer going to talk or see you until you breake off all contact with her. It hurts me to much.

Be sure to add that his A will eventually destroy the great love you have for him now.

Just know that when you are ready for us I am here for you. I love you______!! We have a life a family a love of a life /b]

Very nice, change it ot when the A ends you are ready to talk about making the M better than before.

[b] I love you more today than yesterday but less than tomorrow.

This isn't really true, since how you feel is based on how he treats you. I would take it out.

Hugs and kisses.

Your loving wife

Yep, good.

You had none of the usual disrespect or even demands. But like most women, it's a little wordy. Just like we tend to meet the needs we have and to foget about the ones our partner has... so too we tend to write for what we'd like to hear.

Make sure these points come out strongly.

I love you.... excellent job
I married you for life..... good
I want to stay married to you...... good
this thing you are doing is destroying my love for you.... you could beef this up a little
until the A ends, in order to protect my feelings, I cannot see or speak to you..... this too could use a little stronger language.

If you can re-write today yet, I can look at it tonight. I know you want to have it ready tomorrow.

Sorry so late getting back to you.

C

Thanks your right it was long. I shorted it and put in what you had suggested instead. My last paragragh reads like this.

This is why this is going to be hard for me to say. I am no longer going to talk to you or see you until you breake off all contact with the other women. The continued affair that you are having living with her is slowly destroying the love that I have for you. It will eventually destroy the great love I have for you now. When the affair ends and all contact is broke i am willing to talk about making our marriage better than before. I know that it is possible. This hurts me to much. I love you_______!!

Hugs and kisses
Your Loving Wife

I would have got posted sooner but I have been at the doctors office and dentist office with two of my boys. Thank you I will check in in the morning and I will let you know what happens next. Again thank you

Good job! Then I think it's ready to go.

Be brave, I know this is so hard and so scary. Let me know how it goes, and what else I can do to help out.

In Plan B it's time to take care of you. Do whatever you can to collect child support. Make some (women) friends, take care of yourself. Be good to yourself! Find a hobby or an activity that you enjoy. Don't sit around moping and waiting, build a life for you.

I know the holidays will be tough. Are there family and friends you can lean on? Let them know how hard this is for you and ask for support in whatever way they can give it.

And BTW, who have you told about the A?

Best to you and your children.

C

I gave him the letter this morning . He said "what your not going to talk to me at all to tell me how the kids are doing to just talk when I come and get them. We have to talk." I told him how the boys are doing doctors and school let him now about projects they are doing. He asked me how i am and i told him "I'm here." He kept wanting to talk and we did a little he kept wanting to know about how i am what i am doing. Boy was this hard he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek he said this alot i never want to replace you i care so much for you. Said that he could not say i love you unless he really knows he means it. he said that they are just talking and his things are at his friends house. Our five year old told him that he wants his daddy and mommy to get married again H just looked at him and me with sad eyes. I did say that it would be nice if we can be together and start a new on Christmas he said it would be i don't know. He did say something about going out the two of us next weekend. I will see if that holds up. I am going to plan B my head off and pray for the best.after he kissed me on the cheek i told the boys bye told them i loved them to have fun and walked away not looking back. He pulled out the drive way when i got to the door just looking

O.K. This is what happened when he dropped the boys. off.

He was an hour late.

One of the kids were wet.

He had OW in the truck with him. She was there with the boys the whole day. In our agreement with the court he is not allowed to have anyone of the opposite sex that is not related around the kids.

He pulled our 5 year olds tooth out was not ready though.

My 5 year old told me that daddy said he was going to get married to OW. That he did not love me anymore.

I asked H if this was true he was rude had his arms crossed said yeah I'm leaving now. I asked him what was all the stuff that he was talking to me about this morning he said I don't know. i told him to get the car seats out of her truck he got mad and left.

This morning my father found beer bottles on the ground where the truck was they are the kind that my H drinks so I asked my son if daddy drank any he said yes he put it in a cup and threw the bottle out the window and OW had some to.

I thought last night that he smelled like he had a drink so I did call the Sherifffs department, the one he worked for and was fired from because of the A, they said alot of complaints about his drinking has been reported and will tell the Sergant what I said and will keep even a better watch on him.

I do not understand this anymore. He was himself in the morning when he picked up the boys then when he dropped them off he was rude distant and then the bomb shell of what my son said.

What is your take on this?
What is the likely hood that they will get married?
Should i just give up but something in me is telling me not to?

I am going to get in touch with my attorney in the morning and let him know what happened and what was said. (He also threatened me saying that I should not get use to having the boys all the time that he will have them soon. OW told my son that she was going to be his new mommy soon.) I have to protect my kids and I can not and will not allow him to drink and drive with them in the car.

He has broken every agrement. has had her around the kids not payed on penny of child suppot owes $1200 now and is drinking when he has them God knows what else.

I had to vent thanks for reading this and any and all your replys You are a saint.

BUMP!!