Hi All,<P>I was reading posts just now and I started to get caught up in the pain of it all. I know too well that sick feeling deep in my gut. I never in my life dreamed I would have felt that badly.<P>What can I do?<P>I can try to run from it. IN a bottle of booze or pills. I'll only have to deal with it later.<P>I can live in denial. That won't work either, the cloud of my own delusional lies will eventually dissapate, then I have to deal with it anyhow.<P>OR<P>I can look it in the face and get into the solutions!! To me this was the only option. I can't drink or do drugs, I'm an addict and that will only make things worse. I can't deny what happened, so why bother.<P>So far this has been the most painful thing I've experienced in my 31 years. So far this has been the most growing experience in my life. I have learned how to feel, I have learned what love is, and most importantly I have a real relationship with God.<P>I had to ask myself, DO I WANT MY MARRIAGE TO WORK? YES I DO.<P>Does it matter who's to blame? NO!<P>What am I willing to do? Whatever it takes!<P>The first thing I had to do is own my part of my marriages failings. This is as real as it gets folks. If I did my job as a husband there wouldn't have been a void in my relationship. That was a hard-[censored] pill to swollow!!!<P>Knowing my shortcomings is my starting point.After I identified those things about me I have begun to change.<P>Read this very closely:<BR><B>CHANGE ONLY COMES ON BENDED KNEE</B><P>God is the only one that I can really draw my strength and courage from. Without Him I have a huge hole in my gut, Only a relationship with Him can fill that hole.<P>Next comes surrender. NOT EASY!!! I have to do it over and over and over. <P>What are the facts? My wife is in fantacy love with another person. OUCH!!!<P>Who has to take the lead in repairing the marriage? Me. Does it matter why? NO!<P>What to do now? Follow the principles Dr.H has laid out. It is that simple.<P>I have seen enough examples of success to know that they do work.<P>The biggest thing I have to do is stop begging and bargaining. W knows I want to reconcile, groveling doesn't work.<P>I have to stop trying to educate her. She is in the grips of a horrific addiction. From what I've seen, I know heroin addicts that have had an easier time kicking there habbit. The only thing lectureing has done is drive her farther away.<P>Showing her how angry I am doesn't work either. OP doesn't scream, judge and condem her, why come home to that.<P>Showing her how hurt I am has done nothing but heap more guilt on her. OP doesn't make her feel guilty.<P>Right now OP is the only place she doesn't have to face reality, it <B>feels</B> safe.<P>Right wrong or indifferent, this <B>is</B> how it is.<P>What to do? Create a safe place for her to go when she crashes. That is what plan-a does. How long do I plan-a? Until moving into plan-b doesn't feel like punishment to her, or until I start to feel my love for her starting to fade.<P>Am I going to have to eat alot of crap? You bet. Will this build into a deep seeded resentment? Only if I don't have a place to vent.<P>I forget which post it was but the author takes no blame for S's EMA. I say bull****.<BR>In order for me to grow and learn from this I don't have to be honest, I have to <B>GET</B> honest! Again, If I were such a great S my [censored] wouldn't be posting here.<P>You are probably wondering what is so positive about this post. Well, I'll tell you.<P>I am going to restore my marriage. I am going to <B>Follow</B> God on this very narrow path. I know what His will is. His will shall be done. Not in my time, in His. All I have to do is <B>stay</B> out of His way. Plan-a & b, give me the power to do that.<P><BR>All marriages can be restored. I have to have the strength of character to wait. <P>Someone also said the wedding vow said for better or worse. That goes both ways.<P>If I really want my marriage restored I have to find the winners and do what they do. If I can't get my **** together, and accept the fact that I'm going to have to do the work here, I might as well give up now and not waste my time.<P>For me the only way I can get through this is my faith in God. He will never let me down.<P>You will hear me piss&moan from time to time, however I will keep my hope and faith up in the face of total despair.<P>No one said life was easy.<P>I could write a whole thread on the gifts I have recieved because of my W infidelity. Just know that I already am a better person.<P>Remember:"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P>I love each and every one of you and you are all in my prayers.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill, <P>AMEN!!! <P>Desiree<P>P.S. Robin is an IDIOT!! (Sorry.....)<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Bill,<P>Great post !!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>And I double Desiree's Amen!!<P>God Bless!<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<P>

Bill<BR>There you go again with your incredible faith and your wnderful words of wisdom!!! Kudos to you!!!<BR>Last night and for a while today, I felt like giving up. But then I thought of you. YOU are my inspiration along with God. He blessed my marriage and I'm not gonna let Him down. I feel so much better than I had been. And of course, I've been praying more and in a different way. I've been praying for strength. <BR>I also found out that begging and pleading don't work...only change. I AM to blame for part of the problems in my marriage. I am willing to accept my faults and change myself for the better. If not for my H, then for myself and my kids.<BR>Keep the glorious posts coming. I really draw strength and courage from them!

I just saw what Desiree posted!! Amen to the P.S.!!!!!<BR>You are truly a wonderful human being!!

Desiree,<P>If Robin chooses to stay in her idiotic stuppor. She will loose out on the real love she desperatly needs. I do believe she will remove her head, and see LRB for what he is a LRB!!<P>I talked to Steve H today. He gave me a workable plan. Plan-a.<P>Now all I have to do is exicute it flawlessly.<P>Bob,<P>I just wanted to share my HOPE.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill all I can say is wow what you said was truly great.<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday<P>

bill maybe you can give me some advise my story is in what can I do<BR> I would be most grateful<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday<P>

Hey Bill,<P>I certainly agree that we can not find the answer in a bottle or in pills that are readily available over the counter.<P>Does this discount silver 16 oz. cans?<P>Sorry, excellent post my friend. I'm still FUBAR. I hate this. I'm happy and don't care about Val.<P>Where is that damned 2x4? Who's got it today? I need to hit myself in the noggen.<P>Tim

Medic,<P>About the silver cans...<P>You have to be careful, like I said on your thread last night you don't want to end up like that guy in that picture I sent you.<P>I find it hard to use a 2x4 on myself. I just bang my head on the fire place. I have a greater range of motion...<P>B<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi Bill,<P>I did that once, OK maybe twice, but never more than four times in my early years. I also drove the big white bus a few times. It really does clear out the sinuses.<P>At this point I don't know if the 2x4 would even help. I don't have a fireplace. That would have been in OUR dream home. <P>Damn it, this is what I wanted and now I'm not satisfied.<BR>

Thanx, Bill.<P>W is tonight with IT (used to be called OP); they're having their own private N Years party... I had an appointment at 8 PM and W dumped my d with some neighbors at 7 so she could be "on time" to her date... she just couldn't wait although she saw our d only a few minutes today. I was going to post about this and then saw your post. Fell better now, you're right (but it sucks).<P>Thank you.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Hi Bill,<P>Good stuff! I admire your strength and determination. You've got a good plan and I sense the grit to gut it out. Keep your wits about you and focus on the ultimate objective.<P>You got lots of support here when you need it.<P>Best for the New Year.<P>Dmac

Thank you, Bill. Your words have helped me.

Just read your post. Glad to see you are in such a strong and positive mood. Keep up the good work. Hard I know, but you are on the right track, I feel. I have been feeling under the weather since Wednesday, Flu I think. Great way to welcome the New Year isn't it?<P>I liked what you said in your post. I am hangin in. I need God's help because I like Medic am not sure if this will work. I'm saying lots of prays for myself and everyone else. <P>This homemade remedy has my thinking fuzzy. I'm trying to kill this bug with whiskey(YUCK!) lemon juice and honey. Taste horrible but keeps me from coughing.<P>Happy New Year to you and everyone here at MB board. If anyone makes a toast please make one in my behalf since I will be staying in bed trying to recover. <p>[This message has been edited by devastated2 (edited December 31, 1999).]

Bill, <P>All I can sayis that am totally skunked right now. H is with the oWin FL and i have totally drowned my sorrows and I am totally skunked.<P>Happy new years...<P>Roll Me Away<P>P.S. Robin is stil an IDIOT!!!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

At least RMA is skunked. I tried and couldn't. 2 bottles of wine down and 2 to go. I guess I'll keep trying till I get it right.

I forgot to add, our Ss are going to make things extremely difficult on us. More than we could ever imagine.<P>Desiree, <BR>You are right Robin is an idiot.<P>So is your H.<P>But ya know what it doesn't matter we still love them.<P>I had another profundity to add, too much sparkling cider has wiped out my memory...lol<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Just got up and decided to post today. My wife and I had a wonderful week this past week (well 5 days). Then Thursday afternoon I began to think about what she had done and it has been miserable since then. <BR> <BR>We've talked about my feelings of sadness and why they occur so this morning we decided to post together for the first time. She has never posted but she reads from the board and we discuss my posts and others frequently. She is still asleep so I'll let her read my reply when she awakes and edit it accordingly.<P>If you have read my profile then you know our story. We have had about four sessions with Steve and are for the first time romantically in love. I say for the first time because I don't think I loved her this much when we got married 29 years ago.<BR>I thank Steve for putting us on the right track but I don't know if he can really help me with the only thing that affects our relationship. That is the hurt and sadness I feel when I allow myself to think about how my wife could love someone else. The thoughts of how intimate she could have been with OM (and I don't know him), the length of their affair, and how she made arrangements to meet him all over the country crush me. My heart goes to my stomach and I don't feel anything for her at the time. I don't need to know the details of their intimacy because my mind already knows how intimate she can be when she is in love (and it is wonderful).<P>I believe the only way we have made it thus far is due to the efforts we have made to begin praying together each morning and evening and to worship together on Saturday and/or Sunday. I have indeed made a good confession to her and to God and I believe they both have forgiven me for my mistakes. I too have forgiven her and I told her that I believe God has forgiven her also.<P>It destroys her to see the hurt in my eyes when I allow these thoughts to come between us. I know in time God will heal our wounds because our love for each other is truly wonderful. I just somehow need to let go and let God take these thoughts from me or at least let me deal with them in a manner that doesn't affect our relationship.<P>The only time I have any doubts about her is when I allow myself to dwell on what she did to us. After all I loved her then and I thought she loved me. Do I merely turn on a switch and trust her with my love again? I would hope so although it is difficult to think about. There are so many unanswered questions and I don't know if we'll ever know all of them. Do we just forgive and forget all and allow our new relationship to get us through this? <P>I realize the deposits we make in each other by filling each other's needs is very important. But no matter how full her account may be in me one thought wipes it out (or at least puts it on hold for awhile).<P>I do know that I love her dearly and the little things we do for each other mean so much to us. She is a very wonderful person and is truly sorry for her mistakes and I know she loves me as much as I love her.<P>Somehow I want God to hurry up.<P>[This message has been edited by CRC (edited January 01, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by CRC (edited January 01, 2000).]

Thanks, Bill.<p>[This message has been edited by CRC (edited January 01, 2000).]