A big praise to God for my conversation tonight with W. I don't believe I committed one LB. She phoned me late which she said she would do yesterday, (I honestly wasn't sure why, so that is hopeful right there, the fact that she wanted to call me). We chit chatted for a few minutes, I was feeling sorry for myself so I didn't come off very enthusiastic and we hung up with no gain. I thought I can't leave that like that, that was a LB. I called her back and we talked about New Years, (that has been really hard for me, to not be with my family as we change to a new millenium). We used to every year come up with one word as our theme for the year, I asked her if she had thought about a word, she said she hadn't, then asked me if I had. I told her that only then had I thought of one at is was reconciliation. She was quick to point out that she could not promise that. She said she was leaning toward not right now, which hurt, but I didn't react, only that I understood. I was able to with the help of the Holy Spirit to let her vent off some of her anger about my deceit and lying over the years about pornography, she acknowledged that it was always her finding it instead of my telling her about it. She really got angry, which I thought was a very good sign. I was able to gently suggest that some of her own issues, using words that she had told me may have contributed to my addiction. This isn't sounding right here, but believe me she was touched by what was said, she softend greatly, thank you Holy Spirit. She told me that it was the lying that she is most upset about. I took the opportunity to plant a seed that there may be more to come by telling her that I am fully prepared to tell her anything she wants to know. We talked for over an hour then she allowed me to pray with her over the phone. I believe that she is struggling with this idea of divorce. She said that she isn't where I am spiritually right now. (She has always been the strong one here) I think she is trying to tune God out so that she can think about divorce. I'm praying every day that God continue to melt her heart and pour His Holy Spirit over her.<BR>I may have even scored a few love units. I read to her the love note she left me when she left, acknowledging that she loved me and that we could get through this. Then I quoted her last line but changed the direction "Know that I love you deeply and dearly. God be with you, wife.<BR>Praise God, I just had to share that. Unfortunatly as my profile and previous thread will tell, the worst news is yet to come. I'll be asking for oooddles of prayer that day, soon.

Repenting,<P>You'll get ooooodles of prayer now too... <P>There isn't anything that can't be forgiven.<P>Jim

Dear Repenting,<P>This is really wonderful. You did all the right steps in dealing with an angry person and then being able to get some points across after you have acknowledged their anger and your contribution to their anger. I don't know if you normally deal with her anger like that or not, but that was a biggy, bigger than you probably realize!<P>You are doing fantastic, keep the faith and the prayers going. It does help pave the way.<P>Maybe the next time you talk, you can remind her that you understand that her most important emotional need is honesty, and that you want to apologize for not recognizing that, and that you want to make a commitment to honesty with her. And then tell her that there are some very important things you would like to talk with her about, concerning honesty, and tell her that you are hoping that opportunity comes for you both soon..... Kind of paves the way? - and gets you off the hook for not telling her all about it now. <P>Because if you were my husband, and we had this meaningful conversations - and he didn't include all truth in the conversations, I would be angrier than ever and discount all the meaningfulness of previous conversations.... Not correct, but how I would automatically think.<P>God bless you.<BR>tnt<P>

Thank you TNT for the words on encouragment and the idea of how to approach the disclosure. I think I need to do that in person, maybe not, but I think I'd like for us to either be with our counselor or with some other people that she trusts, perhaps her sister and brother in law, I'm not sure yet. And I did want to wait, till after the holiday as it was just a week before that I told our counselor.<P>I'm not going to blame her anymore, I am responsible. Still I did have a discovery about when I believe there was a decision to have an affair.<P>On my 40th birthday, the 4 of us, W, myself, her sister and brother in law, (we've been very close for a long time) were at a cabin over the weekend. My W and I have had discussions about sex for many years, real or percieved (perhaps skewed by my porn addiction I'll grant). If there was ever a time though that I would have thought that I should get some special attention, that was it. The gift my W gave me was a book, titled Sex after 40, Everything that is known about sex after 40. The joke is that all the pages are blank. I was so incredibly hurt. Many people that we've shared their 40th got something sexy or provacative. I get a book that although was supposed to be in jest, sent me a very clear message that there would be no sex after 40. I remember being so angry and hurt. Screw you was my attitude. I am now convinced that at that moment, I set in place a mindset that led to the affair starting just 2 months later.<P>Now, that I have given myself permission to masterbate, (over 40 years old and have felt guilty all my life) I am now committed to raising my children in a single family home, that I will live celebat if I have to, they deserve that. I do want her back.

That is good that you can express yourself about how you felt about receiving the book. I'm sure your wife didn't intend for you to feel that way, but she probably thought it would be good for a way to put humor into an issue that has been hard for both of you to deal with. Try to forgive her, and then tell her how it made you feel. It's good for you to share that.<P>Keep up the good ideas and motivation. You are going to make it.