Despite the fact that my W has had no contact with OM since discovery back in July, our recovery hasn't been very easy. She says that she loves me but is not "In-Love" with me. She wants to continue working on our marriage in hopes of regaining that feeling, and even states that she has regained alot of the love that had been lost. My problem is this, it has been me that has put forth most of the effort in rebuilding, I know what I have done to contribute to our marriage breaking down and I am doing everything I can to change and make things better, while it seems that she is sitting back letting me meet her needs, hoping that those old feelings will come back, without making any efforts to "right the wrongs" that she has done. On top of all of that, the emails that I discovered in July to the OM, which is how I found out about the affair, contains information that probably would have best if I had never known, really cuts deep into my soul and I am not only having a difficult time getting those words out of my mind, some of the things that she has told me is really eating me up, how even now the sex that she had with the OM is more enjoyable than the sex that we have now, she says that it is nothing performance wise or physical, but rather that he was "new" that he was really only the second person in her life that she has ever been with and because of that, mentally it was/is better than what we do. I have been trying not to LoveBust, but it is becoming increasingly difficult, I am thinking about moving out for awhile, just to get my head straight as well as maybe give her an opportunity to miss me and thus inspire her to work a little harder at our relationship, is this a good idea? I need opinions quickly, I am really starting to lose it.

it is harder to work on your marriage if you don't live together.<P>check out these three links<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>and also the other basic concepts.<P>hope this helps.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

If it is at all possible, don't move out. It's so much harder to work on things when you're not together. My husband moved out and now most of the time I feel like Im fighting an phill battle. It's hard to show someone you love them when they are only around for a few hours on the weekend.<BR>Hang in there!!

I just read After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring and she devotes a chapter to regaining intimacy that seem really good. She talks about how awkard it feels at first and suggests alot of just touching.I would suggest you read it, I found that book really spoke to me and seemed easy to follow<BR>Lora

I'm right where you are! Except my H is in the process just now of truly deciding where he wants to spend the rest of his life. 6 months later and I feel no further along than in July.<P>I really don't think it's in our best interest to move out as tempting as it seems. Tell your wife how you feel. Decide if you are at a point that you want to truly separate from her, or continue to work on the marriage. This is where I am. I am thinking I still want our marriage and should therefore stick it out at home until I know his decision. <P>Read WilliamJ's post "The power of positive thinking" This is the type of strength that helps us survive no matter what. Some of what we are going through takes almost superhuman strength. I find that through my faith. Please take care.<P>~Jenn

I think moving out would just be another mistake at this point. Running from the problem or ignoreing it as your wife is doing isn't helping. She has to work harder to recovery her feelings for you. It seems on the outside as if your the one trying and she is just letting it happen. I understand your visions of them together and how it kills your soul. I share your pain thire and i have no answer for you..except hang in there.

The hardest thing of all, is that we, the betrayed, in the greatest pain of our lives, must also be the strongest and hardest workers when it comes to rebuilding the marriages... Don't move out - separation is a last resort when things are horrible, not a solution for difficulties in reconciliation. I know it's easy for me to say, since I'm not where you are (yet), but you need to buck up if you want your marriage. You are going to be the one doing the most work, absolutely positively, until she is sure of her feelings ...<P>You have truly moved forward! She is telling you that she loves you ... it is up to you to recreate those "in-love" feelings - she just isn't capable of it right now. Read "Light Her Fire" by Ellen Kreidman for some ideas on how to put that spark back into your relationship.<P>And, if you aren't already doing so, GET COUNSELLING! Together, if possible, but alone if she won't go. It is easier not to love bust if you have a real, live human to vent to - most preferably one who is dedicated to saving marriages and uses either the Harley methods (or is open to them) or Michele Weiner-Davis's solution oriented approach.<P>Get back on that horse and ride this out! You can do it!<P>Happy New Milennium!!!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P>

Thanx for the advice, it seems a consensus for me to not leave at this time and work through these feelings, sometimes it gets to be so hard, especially those days when everything on television or on the radio is about affairs and cheating. I know there are people on this site who have it alot worse than I do, but sometimes that "all alone" feeling comes along where I feel like just quitting, and that's when I come here and you guys have been great, thanx.<P>Got one question though..............when do you know when you have done all you could and that it's time to move on?

When you no longer have feelings of love for the person, you will have done all that you possibly can. <BR>Keep on trying, the outcome may be great!