I am a former WS with OM's baby who is now a BS. I have been in Plan B for 2 weeks now after being in Plan A. We seperated January 7th and haven't spent a lot of time together. After finding out recently about his affair and also his lack of committment to even think about reconciling I told him that I was not an "option to date" as he put it but rather a wife or an ex-wife. My thought process is this...if he hasn't been in contact with me during this 2 weeks what makes me think he will ever at all again. He supposedly ended his affair a month ago but as of 2 weeks ago they still worked together. We have had numerous problems, especially the last couple of years. We don't have any children together.
I am trying to figure out a timeframe for Plan B if there is such a thing. While I love this man and was hoping for a reconcilliation I have become weary in the battle and have lost hope. I know you can't force a person to love you or even care about you. This seems to be where he is at.. but it's hard to swallow that 14 years means zip, nada, nothing to him.
God hates divorce. I want to be in His will. Since late December I have committed my life to God and have actively pursued a deeper relationship with Him. I have done a number of things to improve my mental well-being so I won't go down this road again. I know what caused me to stumble in the first place. I am a better person as an outcome of this experience yet my spouse doesn't see the good in me, only seems to see the bad.
My son is 3 months old the end of this week. I have had very little contact with the father, he's in Iraq and knows the situation I am in with spouse. He knows I am committed to my spouse but can't understand why. My husband is on the birth certificate as the legal father but the DNA came back as OM's.
Sticky situation.. any advice at how long I Plan B before I say enough is enough? I have a time in mind that came to me in one of my quiet times with God but am curious as to others opinion on this.. thanks in advance.
Patty

BE,

One of the things you need to improve is your patience. I don't think you can expect him to recover on your time scale. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am trying to figure out a timeframe for Plan B if there is such a thing. While I love this man and was hoping for a reconcilliation I have become weary in the battle and have lost hope.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do recall that he battled for this marriage for a time equivalent or longer than you have. You have lost hope??? Why? His affair is over, he will go through withdrawal, AND then if he feels inclined he will have to face the fact that your first child is not his. Don't you think that might take awhile? I do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know you can't force a person to love you or even care about you. This seems to be where he is at.. but it's hard to swallow that 14 years means zip, nada, nothing to him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please, I hope you have not said something like this to him. You shouldn't be saying it to yourself. After all, it could be argued you valued it even less than he.

You are right, you cannot force him to love you, or raise another man's child. I don't recall if OM is paying CS to you or not, or if he is in the child's life right now. But, BE, this is complicated and hard stuff.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
God hates divorce. I want to be in His will. Since late December I have committed my life to God and have actively pursued a deeper relationship with Him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very good thing, but God works in his own time, BS's recover in their own time, and WS's wake up in their own time.

My comment to you would be to give him time to go through withdrawal from his A. You know why he went there, and you know what he was running from. I think his decision making is poor, but I also know he tried with you for a long time, even being willing to raise the child, IF you didn't see OM again, but you did.

BE, it is my fondest hope that you and your H get back together. However, this is NOT a normal situation, and I think it will require longer than most marriages to recover from the A's on both sides complicated by your child with OM. I think it can happen. Your H has not filed for divorce, so I think you have hope. I think you would do well to work on your happiness and attitude toward life, and your H. He needs to see you as a good mother, and a confident woman, not someone beaten down by her choices.

So my advice is Time and Patience, give this plenty of both. I definitely think there is a chance.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Dear Butterfly,

Ideally, Plan B would be instituted by an innocent spouse who has tried plan A, and had enough. Since you do not claim innocense, you may do well to modify the Plan B.

I myself am an advocate of a 6 hour unilateral separation, when emotions get tight. Certainly you should work to find constructive ways to express your displeasure with your husband continuing to see the other woman. You may wish to suggest ways for him to re-arrange his work situation.

It sounds like your husband has taken steps to reduce the relationship with the other woman. The question can perhaps be framed; What is the most likely to be successful strategy to win your husband back? Certainly Plan B works for some people in some situations.

In the books the INIMATE ENEMY, it is rcommended that each spouse have an overnight location that the other spouse knows about, and when things are tense, the spouse can, without confrontation, go to the other sleepping quarters, to stress out.

I don't see why you can't put it on a minute by minute, day by day basis. When things are seeming to be building in my house, I try to keep my wallet and keys in my pants, so when emotions flare up, I don't have to look for things, I just put on my pants and I am gone. I have gone out of the house in my birhtday suit, but that is not ideal. A little preparation makes things go smoother.

Apparently you have something going with your husband.

Good luck,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">" I have had very little contact with the father, he's in Iraq and knows the situation I am in with spouse. He knows I am committed to my spouse but can't understand why. My husband is on the birth certificate as the legal father but the DNA came back as OM's."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two questions:

1. Why are you still in contact with your OM, yet are Plan B'ing your H? Don't you think it's somewhat hypocritical?

2. Why is your H's name on the birth certificate?

My answer to Coffee's question #1. Selfishness.
My answer to Coffee's question #2. Desperation.

peace
tim

While I refuse to make this site a war of words or otherwise with my spouse I will say this.

I did NOT want to talk to the OM. Tim and my counselor both were on my butt for weeks to tell him that Matthew is his. Once I did then I have talked to him 2 other times. Briefly and mostly about Matthew. I did feel the last time I talked with him that I am not where I should be because I am so vulnerable emotionally. Yes it feels good that someone can actually care about me. BUT I know that this is Satan's trap right now. I won't be falling into it. I have set up between our fathers to talk if there needs to be anything.

About the birth certificate. This is something Tim and I had discussed. We knew that OM would have a hard time even if he did decide to petition for a DNA test and that he would most likely drop the subject. Tim is the one who made the decision to show up to the delivery even though I had made it clear on more than one occasion that I didn't want him in the room unless he was going to commit to Matthew and I. He made the choice. My sister should've been in the room but he chose to go instead giving me the false hope once again.
I wish I knew why Tim is hanging onto the marriage and not filing.
(edited after communication with Tim)

That being said. I realize my own anger and bitterness are surfacing and I am dealing with it as best as I can. I totally submersed myself this weekend in God and being around his people. I still am on my path to healing. I am grateful I have Godly people around me for the times that I am feeling like I am not being very Christ-like in my thinking.They help me see these thoughts are from Satan and not to let him drag me down. God is in control and I am far from the desperate woman that Tim would have people believe. None of my actions show desperation. That speaks for itself.

Thank you Just and Coffee especially for your advice along the way.

<small>[ August 13, 2003, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: ButterflyEmerging ]</small>

BE-

Did you get my package? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How is Matthew?

How are you?

Personally, I think that you need to stay focused on you and Matthew. I know how much you love Tim, and I know how much he loves you.

Pain has a funny way of influencing people's judgements and choices.

I believe that if you stay on the course to improving yourself, things will happen in a positive manner for you. I'm not sure if that means that Tim will come home, but life WILL get better than it has been for the last year or so.

I read what WH has written, and I'm saddened at times because I do feel his confusion and pain. Ultimately, what he does for himself IS his choice. You can only work on YOU.

BE-
You are in a really hard place. I know your fears, anger, doubt, and hopelessnes. I understand why you are angry and bitter. You know that if I could hug you and cry with you, I would.

I am here if you need to talk,
Hugs to you and the little guy.

Kily... I sent you an email after I received your package hope you got but sounds like you didn't.
You are a very kind-hearted person and I love your generosity both in your caring words to me and others on the board even though you are going through your own battles and in your generosity with the clothes.
Matthew has worn quite a few of the outfits already.. he's such a skinny guy that he has actually faded some of the 0-3 months stuff I had with wear even though that is a stage most don't stay in long. He was 12lbs yesterday. He is long though and will probably be tall.
I'm getting side-tracked but that is usual when it comes to my pride and joy!
Thanks again...Patty