I've been in Plan B for almost a month with NC with H. Last night I was watching football and drinking beer when my SIL called. We have always been very close. She asked how I was doing and I told her great. She said that my H told her that he loves only me, and when his A is done, he would like to get back together. He asked her to relay this to me. Well why I did this I do not know. But I told her to let him know that I have moved on with my life, have met someone else, who has a beautiful ranch, and want to get a divorce so I can proceed with new relationship. I told her I hope he has a good life with OW and to wish them the best. Now this is not true. I have been talking with a guy at work who said IF I get a divorce he would like to date, and he does have a nice house out in the country. We have been close friends - he has been divorced 3 years because his wife cheated on him. Well now I'm in a real mess. I never lie and this morning I can't believe I said all this. Sorry just need some advice, besides don't drink beer.

Talk about stepping into it (a big pile of doo0doo), eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think you need to call you SIL and tell her you were just really pissed off and were telling "stories" to try & hurt your h.
You don't need to go into how you really want to reconcile, etc.

Plan B is not that you WILL reconcile after the affair is over. It's that you can discuss it when the affair is over. When YOU have a choice to get back together or not. If you get involved now, then you won't reconcile.

Also, you need to completely STOP talking with this other guy. Anything (feelings) you are getting from/about him is simply fueling you to NOT reconcile.

The funny thing about Plan B is that you get some perspective on the marriage and WS's behavior. Right now I'm not sure that I want H back. In fact, I don't think I do. Really it is not because he betrayed our marriage vows so much as his actions after. He has not financially supported me for 8 months, I had to put utilities, phone, cable in my name because he threatened to shut them off. Had to file bankruptcy on debts that were mostly run up by him. I can hardly afford to make it,while he and OW continue to go on trips, out every night, etc. He has lied about everything to the point where I don't believe a word he says, thus Plan B. Now that he is out of the house, I realize there is very little to miss about him. He did nothing around the house, took me nowhere, put in no effort on family things. It is nice to have him gone.

If that's the case, believer, why not let him continue to believe it?
So, it's not true, but what's it going to hurt really?
Maybe that's bad of me to say, but it's kinda like who gets the last laugh, you know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, it's not true, but what's it going to hurt really?

Ya' gotta wake up every day and look in the mirror. Hopefully you'll like what you see and not be looking at a vengeful (sp?) person...

Exactly. That's why I need to say in Plan B, to protect what is left of my love for him, and to keep the demons away. I really think that although before D-day my walk was on the straight and narrow, since then I do not like some of the ways I'm thinking. Well hopefully I'll get back on track. Thanks for the replies.

Well, I guess there is more than one way to skin a cat, huh?

I just didn't look at it as being vengeful. A dose of someone's own medicine wouldn't hurt every now & then. LOL

(He said he was THINKING of ending the A not that he HAD, right? I took that to mean he wanted to find out if you were interested in trying again before he burned any bridges with OP)

Looking back, I guess a better response would have been just to say how much happier & peaceful your life is now & that you're just not sure you want the R anymore.

OK, OK, y'all are right, but aren't we allowed to THINK mean thoughts every now & then?? LOL

LoJay - H did'nt say he was thinking of ending affair, he said when affair is over he would like to come back. He has been telling me for 3 months that he was going to end it, but has never gotten around to it. Plan B for me, and no more beer.

Makes me kinda laugh how they think they can go off, have affairs and then return when they are bored with the OP....LOL. What makes them so sure we are sitting around waiting their return or that we'd even have them back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yeah...I know most of us are and would, hence why we are here ~ but what makes our WS's sure of it. Sounds to me like your H is testing the waters.

I wouldn't pass on any reassurances, I made that mistake over and over. They play away longer with OP when you do, because they know the *safety net* is still there. JMO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm in PlanB now also and I feel kinda the same way you do Believer. After several months of PlanA'ing my [censored] off, I'm WEARY and TIRED. I keep thinking, do I want him back, or don't I? I'm not sure anymore. I grew weary and tired of him wavering between I and OW, fed up of hearing him say he was coming home, yet he never did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Not so long back he told me he loved me more than OW, then our D tells me he is going to marry OW next year, which means he has to divorce me first!

We've had NC now for nearly a week, but he's called on the phone three times, maybe more? I ignored all of them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just don't want to talk to him or see him.

Lianne - You are on the right track. Plan B works in two ways. One is assisting WS to get all needs met by OP, and the other is getting some distance so you can think more clearly. In the month I've been on it I've been much more at peace, getting things done for me, etc. Yesterday is the first day I talked to him and as usual it put me back on the rollercoaster. Told him last month to change his address, because getting his mail was his excuse to come by and stir me up. Now the Post Office is sending my mail to him, even though it was only his name on change. So he's got $100. worth of flea meds that I ordered and my insurance papers. He's had them for 2 weeks and won't drop them off. When he was collecting his mail, I always had it neatly stacked on the table for him, undisturbed. It's just like our whole marriage, one way - HIS. But anyway Plan B does work, and we need to keep stumbling along the path. Like the Bible says "Two are better than one, when one falls, the other can pick him up."

hmmmm, yes, that is why I'm ignoring his calls, so that I don't backslide. I'm ok and doing fine when I don't see him or hear his voice, but when I do it puts me back on the rollercoaster also and I start feeling depressed and sad again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I need some space and some time in which to gather my thoughts, I guess PlanB will give me that....LOL

Did you do a PlanA and for how long before you went to PlanB? Also, how long has your H been away from home?

I think I PlanA'd for way too long, several months too long!!! I'd have been happy to continue for a little longer in PlanA because things seemed to be going well between us. But then I was informed by our 8 year old daughter that he has mentioned marrying her a few months ago and not to tell mommy of his plans.....and so I had to start NC and PlanB immediately, had no option <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Lianne - I didn't Plan A at all - just threw him out the day I found out. I found this site right after that and Plan A sounded like a lot of crap to me. Now that I understand it, I wish I had done it. Oh well, too late. He's been gone for 3 months and I started Plan B 1 month ago, because he was constantly showing up in AM and saying he loved me, was getting rid of OW, blah, blah, blah. I was starting to hate him. Now on Plan B I'm much happier and can tolerate the thought of him.

Still kinda early days for you then, three months isn't really that long.

I found this site around the third month that my H had been gone and PlanA at that time hadn't made sense to me either. It struck me as being *doormatish*. You wouldn't normally reward someone for bad behaviour and still remain their friend, however this seemed to be what it was about. I basically just tried to cut out LB'ing in H 's presence and I remained friendly, that was all. It was impossible for me to try and fill any of H's needs as PlanA says, because he wasn't at home to do that and we had very little contact.

If I could do the whole thing over again though, I'd have gone straight to PlanB.

quote: But I told her to let him know that I have moved on with my life, have met someone else, who has a beautiful ranch, and want to get a divorce so I can proceed with new relationship. I told her I hope he has a good life with OW and to wish them the best.

I love that response!!! You don't owe him honesty at this point or any other thing that will "meet his needs".... Great answer for her to give back to him....

I will BET you will be receiving some contact from him very shortly..... If he has any feelings for you at all, then this will be a wakeup call for him... The pattern of when they want to come back almost ALWAYS is when you have shown them you have moved on and let go......

Well WH called me at work to ask me if I had copy of his resume. Then came over to bring me my mail. He asked me if I missed him. I told him to refer to Plan B letter, that I wouldn't discuss our relationship while he was still with OW. He said "Remember when you said you were watching my actions, not listening to my words? Well now I'm watching YOUR actions." I almost laughed in his face. He is still so deep in the fog, it's a waste of time talking to him. Plan B is working for me, I've been cleaning house, remodeling bathroom, rearranging furniture, fixing up yard. WH noticed all that and I felt good that he knows I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself - well maybe I am, but just a little bit. Thanks to all here for comments and encouragement.