I have been trying very hard to get into a plan A state of mind...I have been trying to not use LB and have printed copies of the Emotional needs questionare...I completed mine and am waiting for him to do his...We have talked a lot at MC about what I need form him to get over this PA he had...but I am having trouble getting him to open up and let me know what I can do for him. When he does open up he says something so off the wall.....like the other day when I go thim to sit down and talk he said that he had to get used to me being there with him....now come on I only work 3 days a week and have been there all along! I don't get it... I was feeling like the maid...maybe he saw me as the maid as well...and just never wanted to admit it. Our schedules are difficult and I can see where we just let our marriage relationship go in taking care of the kids.....but there is time for us too!!! At least as I see it.. Even small amounts of time here and there add up. We just never took them before. I am so confused. I want this to work out so badly...maybe I am kidding myself. I sometimes think he is only staying because he would have to get his own place and pay his own bills and such...I know he is worried about the kids....But if he is only staying for them and still not paying attention to me then I don;t know how long I can stand it.

Now he has made some SMALL changes...He does call now if he is going to be late...he asked me if he could make me lunch the other day when he was cooking for himself...He is going to MC...everything else I have had to initiate...all the talking any kind of physical contact ...ie holding hands...little things...I am getting frustrated.
Any advice would be appreciated...I am just getting very disgusted. He says he doesn't want to leave and goes to MC but just doesn't seem into the process...

stillholdingon - Sounds very hopeful to me. Most either deny everything or refuse to work on the marriage at all. Keep reading about Plan A. I didn't do it, well actually had already thrown H out by the time I found this site. Now my H is living with OW. It takes some time in Plan A before marriage will improve. Don't give up now, your H is at least making a little effort. Things will get better, hang in there.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.....My H was never one for talking...but he was so outwardly affectionate early in our relationship...after the kids came we just went on autopilate for so long... We worked opposite shifts and days so they did not have to be cared for by strangers...and I was very depressed after many life stresses piled up and instead of supporting me and seeing I was in trouble he didn't see it...by the time I straightened myself out he was already having the A. I'm sure of it... I just struggle everyday with wanting him to show some signs of something!!! I think he would just go on day by day if I didn't push the issue and try to get him to talk to me...This is also a bad time of the year for him...he has a lot of sadness related to this time of year...relatives lost and memories...
I wish he would go to the doctor and get some medication to help him but he refuses...

So you think I am still doing the right thing??? I wonder if I should back off and try to see if he will initiate something...but I'm afraid if I do he wont do it...

You are doing exactly the right thing. Keep reading about Plan A. It is extremely hard to do, because you are feeling so hurt yourself. But I'm firmly convinced it is the best thing to do. There is another good book called "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It talks about "the message of the affair". Someone on this site told me to read it and it is good. It talks about why the WS had the A, and the message to the BS. Also it has parts about the history of the WS's family. Often someone in their family also had an A. (Sound familiar?) Anyway do not blame yourself for him having A - but you need to figure out why so that it won't happen again, and you can move on to a great marriage. Remember, it took awhile for your marriage to get into this mess, and it will take awhile for it to get out of it. Plan A is your best bet, don't wait for your H to do something, he probably has no plan and you do. When you feel like LBing, post here. The people here are great and they give you all kinds of great support and ideas. Hang in there.

I suppose I thought that it would be more him trying to get me back than the other way around LOL...I am finally to the point where I can joke a little about it sometimes... then again I spend a lot of time in tears sometimes within the same conversation... I have been reading voraciously...I read After the Affair by Spring...it does explain the feelings I have been having...but my WH doesn't fit exactly in any of the descriptions of the WH...He does come from a broken family...his Mother had an affair and it was an ugly divorce. She threw his dad out...He was the oldest and caught in the middle a lot when his parents fought from what he would tell me about it anyway... He is just not a talker...I think he keeps too much bottled up inside. I have encouraged him to seek couseling on his own...but he wont. In fact if the sessions we are going to now were not free in my health plan coverage (5 visits for each of us per year) I'm not sure he would have gone. They have it set up nicely though...we are at the time of year when we start over in January...he comes to my 5 sessions and I come to his 5 for total of 10 this year and then in January we can start over again..Hopefully in 20 sessions we will have a start anyway. It was a big step for him to go and I recognize that...I would just like him to do more obvious daily things for me to feel safe and loved again. I guess it is too soon for him.

OK...I have to laugh...today I rewashed the dishes...my WH actaully did run the dishwasher when it needed it while I was at work last night LOL!!!!!! I can't believe it. Hope that was not a LB...I have been so focused on doing it all myself lately that I did not even check to see if he had done it before I hooked up the dishwasher ....

Anyone else do that...wonder if they can do it "all" without their WS and then go head strong into action...I have been lately...But it has been a good way to spend my nervous energy too.

I just hope I didn't LB without knowing it!!

You sound like you're doing fine, keep it up. I had so much nervous energy I cleaned the house spotless, painted the bathroom, exercised constantly, detailed the car, organized, etc. The good part is everything I did raised my self-esteem. You're schedules sound like it is one problem. Be sure to do some fun things with H. Also read all the stuff on this site about marriage. Try not to take the A personal. I know that's hard - I couldn't do it. Hopefully you can continue through the holidays. The time always goes so fast between now and the New Year. Good luck and hang in there, and take care of YOU.

If anyone stops by my thread today say a little prayer i can hold it together.....It has been over a week (almost 2) since I last knowingly did any LB! And we have a meeting with our MC today at 4 pm. I have been doing better emotionally but it seems that I always break down at the MC meetings and end up crying. I think because I hold it in so much at home to try to shield my kids from seeing me that way. My MC said it is not healthy for me to hold it in but I just have a hard time stopping once I get started. I don't want my kids to see me that way. Hopefully we can make some progress...I still feel like I am doing all the work here...

Stillholdingon - I will pray today that you will be given the words to say to express your pain, without LBing. Cerri has a good post in Just Found Out, about feelings. Also don't be concerned that you are doing all the work right now. After all, you have a plan. He will probably join in later. Today at 4:00, I will be at counseling with you in spirit. I'll be sitting by counselor and cheering you on and supporting you. I promise not to kick your H. Good luck, and don't worry, things will work out.

believer...You are just what I needed!!! I appreciate your coming back and "talking" to me. I just got back from seeing the kids at school for their special person day programs and I went to see WH at work for lunch. I think I did well...I always have mixed feelings about going there...I am still afraid I will find him already out to lunch with OW...or that I will even see her face to face...she works with him. I was shaking by the time I got there and then had an overwhleming feeling of relief when I saw his car was parked right outside the office. I wish I could just tell him to quit this job but it is not that simple. We need the income and jobs are not that easy to come by here. I even told him that I would rather be poor and happy than have more money and be miserable and that he could quit his job and I would support us.....but he will not hear of it. We had an OK lunch...he is still not making any moves toward initiating any of my EN but I am still trying to be as nice and open as possible. I guess we will see what goes on at the MC today. I almost feel like he is holding something in...or hiding something..but maybe that is just still the lack of trust between us.

There I go again...rambling on and on...

Still-
You & I sound so much alike, it's weird. I can relate to many of the things you're talking about.

It is so difficult, sometimes I feel like I'm just accepting things as they are & I don't like that. *argh*

I wonder at what point is enough enough, don't you? Others keep telling me to hang on, but I'm starting to wonder....for how long?

Good luck today, hope things go well at the MC.
I'll be thinking about you.

Hello LoJay...It does make me feel better knowing I am not alone in these feelings and in what I am going through...I too wonder how long until I can see some difference in how he acts towards me. I always thought that the WH should be trying their best to fix things...not the faithful one...but I guess everyone is different. I don't think that if I had an A he would have been as willing to try to forgive me. He has even said that at our MC. It just seems ironic that I am the BS and I am doing all the work here...but it has only been one month for me..I still have to hold onto hope.

Well...the session went OK I guess...I am not convinced we are making but little bits of progress at a time...He told me last night that if I was wearing makeup for him not to bother...I had stopped wearing it a long time ago..used to wear it all the time but just quit with the three kids and all just was not a priority... I started again because it made me feel better and covered some of the deep dark circles I have. Maybe some of it was for him but not al...it made me feel better so I continued even though he made no comments about it...I have had positive comments from other people...so I think I will continue. He said I have always looked "fine" without makeup. And of course the counselor interpreted that in saying he feels i am beautiful without it...and he did not disagree but getting him to make a positive comment about me or us seems impossible.
He let it out that he hates it when I work night shift ont he weekend and he has to try to keep the kids quiet. He has resented me for years over this and although he like me to make a change he never asked me to do it. Another case of he wasn't clear about what he wanted and I didn't get the hint. So today I will be going to work to try to change some of my schedule. Wish me luck...there are only three of us on each weekend and I will be having to ask someone who usually doesn't work nights to take some of mine...Sould be interesting...

On the up side...last night after the kids were in bed he did come over and sit with me on the couch and hold me for about 30 minutes before he got up and came over to the computer and did something else...It is a start I guess...I still feel like I have to suggest it.

Thanks for being in my corner...just having someone impartial and on my side helps.

still- Sounds like all went okay. It sure would be nice if you could change work hours, but that might not even really be the problem. Stay in Plan A and get the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. He says that there is "a message in the affair". Gives a list of possible messages. They are things that the WS wants the BS to know about himself and the marriage. Anyway, I think it is a good book for recovery. So hang in there and try your best to stay in Plan A. We on this board will support you. Just remember that you have a plan to keep your family together.

I think maybe I am just pushing for him to get back to the way things were so long ago when he was the envy of any woman...he was the kind of husband who would have done anything for me. He was always paying attention to me...it has been a long time since we have been there though...I just wish we could get back to that.. I can recall what made me fall in love with him but I'm not sure he would say the same about me...

I went to the doctor today...I can't handle all these feelings all the time. I needed some help. I have been having chest pains for God's sake...I have good days but I think on those days I just hold it in better. Today was not one of those days...
I started some medication today...maybe it will help. Only time will tell. I know nothing can take away all the pain.

still - Good for you to get some medical help. I've been taking Paxil CR for a couple of months. It really helps. I could notice the difference the day it kicked in. No, it doesn't make everything better, but it does ease things a little. I think we all wish we could go back to things the way they were. The man I married is dead to me, the one who replaced him, I no longer want. Hopefully soon your husband will come back. In the meantime, take care of yourself and family.

Hello!
Well...it has been better than I thought at work this weekend...I am getting lots of support and some advice I don't want/need...but I guess everyone thinks they are well meaning in their ideas of what I should do...It feels better to have it out in the open so I don't feel like I am trying to hide my sadness or moods all the time...still only my immediate co-workers know. I am not renting any billboards LOL! I approached my two other co workers that work this weekend with me...we work every other weekend and explained to them that I need to rotate off nights. Between the three of us it will mean the I will ahve to work one out of 5 weekends of night shift instead of every other weekend. We will see if it helps him with his need to not feel pressured to keep the kids quiet while I have to sleep...

He has been trying....I think...to give me more of what I need. He has been sitting with me and letting me lean into him for support...He never turns away from my hugs...and he puts up with my tears. I just widh I could get some big sign that he is feeling better about us. I wish he would say he loves me....but it has been a long time since he has actually said all three words...I continue to tell him that I love him and he usually replies "you too"...but not I love you too..there is a difference as I see it. That is something that he is just not ready for and I am not going to push it. He is still in the heavy fog. I think he misses her and I am not totally convinced that they have no contact. I have considered spy ware...but not sure what I would do with the info right now. I need a few weeks of status quo. I need these meds to kick in and start evening out my emotions a little. They gave me something to help me sleep...but it only helped me a little...I slept about 4 hours after being awake about 32 hours. I guess I had high hopes for good sleep.