My STBX husband has been contacting me a lot the past couple of weeks. He's been IM me and talking to me when I am checking on our daughter (who is visiting him right now.) We are separated and have been for some time. We tried to reconcile this summer but once his girlfriend gave birth to their daughter in August, well things just petered out from there. OW lives with her parents in another state. H lives with sister a few miles away. Do I jump in and do a modified Plan A while they are physically separated or just go to a total Plan B? They do not have much contact because her parents hate him. And he can't afford to go and visit. Help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by phrusselltn:
<strong>Do I jump in and do a modified Plan A while they are physically separated or just go to a total Plan B? They do not have much contact because her parents hate him. And he can't afford to go and visit. Help! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only you could decide when and if you want to go to plan B. You have to sit back and think very carefully what you want to do. None of us could make that choice for you.

What is the nature of the IM ? ... what is his intention ?. BS sometime is soo craving for love, a bit of warm sentences could be preceived of "chances".

What do you mean by modified plan A ?

-rh-

I am craving anything from him and I probably read to much into our "talks."

As for the modified plan A, I thought it had to be "modified" since we are already separated. He lives close, with his sister.

There is no different where WS lives, it just makes it harder if WS is not living together. How could you convince him that you are capable of change and addressing all his greivance in the M ?.

-rh-

Thanks RH! This has given me much to think about. How long do I give it before moving to B? He is having limited contact with her but will not agree to no contact. I believe this is in part to their 4 month old daughter. But I do know he "loves" her. Their relationship sounds so much like the addictions that Dr. Harley describes. Any other words of advice?

Thanks again and Merry Christmas! God and Santa have been very good to us and the children will be up soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

phrusselltn,

I can't definitly answer how long you should be in plan B, I have no detail information about your profile plus the nature of his IM. Don't worry about that, one step at the time.

Have you "guess" his top 5 ENs ?. Have you "guess" your LB to him ?. Have you check on your plan A ?, i.e have you addressed his greivance w/ your plan A actions ?. How long before the Dv is finalized ?. What is his view and your view on re-married after Dv?

Remember it is not about you or OW, it is about his addiction and you have to help to break it off. Plan A, no LB, fillin ENs then plan B if plan A has no impact.

-rh-

phrusselltn,

I can't definitly answer how long you should be in plan B, I have no detail information about your profile plus the nature of his IM. Don't worry about that, one step at the time.

Have you "guess" his top 5 ENs ?. Have you "guess" your LB to him ?. Have you check on your plan A ?, i.e have you addressed his greivance w/ your plan A actions ?. How long before the Dv is finalized ?. What is his view and your view on re-married after Dv?

Remember it is not about you or OW, it is about his addiction and you have to help to break it off. Plan A, no LB, fillin ENs then plan B if plan A has no impact.

-rh-
phrusselltn,

I can't definitly answer how long you should be in plan B, I have no detail information about your profile plus the nature of his IM. Don't worry about that, one step at the time.

Have you "guess" his top 5 ENs ?. Have you "guess" your LB to him ?. Have you check on your plan A ?, i.e have you addressed his greivance w/ your plan A actions ?. How long before the Dv is finalized ?. What is his view and your view on re-married after Dv?

Remember it is not about you or OW, it is about his addiction and you have to help to break it off. Plan A, no LB, fillin ENs then plan B if plan A has no impact.

-rh-

--------------------
Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

M (17years),BH(40),WW(39),2D(11,14).
1st d-day-Oct'96
2nd d-day-Sep'01
Served Dv by WW-Mar'02
Legally Dv-Dec'02
Financial settlement ???'04


M (9 1/2 yrs) BW(34), WH (31), 2D (16, 8)
D Day Mar '03
Sep Aug '02
attempted reconc Apr - Aug '03
Given papers Mar '03, tinkered with by my attorney Oct '03

Ignore most of that last post. I was working on my profile and accidentally hit the send button.

"Have you "guess" his top 5 ENs ?."

During short reconciliation, started questionnaire with him so I now know that companionship is very high for him. I had no idea before.

"Have you "guess" your LB to him ?."
Not yet but am working thru questionnaire.

"Have you check on your plan A ?, i.e have you addressed his greivance w/ your plan A actions ?."

NOt yet. Need to though.

"What is his view and your view on re-married after Dv?"

I have a friend who was dv for 3 years before she and hubby remarried this past summer. That was kind of our plan. Divorce so we could start fresh. Seems silly now and I even think it was my idea. May '00 he got in trouble with the law and so we had a rocky year and a half dealing with that and I thought that was resolved before I found out about OW. He had taken another job in another state that was financially great for us all but he stayed after our agreed upon time frame and then I found out it was bc of OW. She was his friend at work and they were in Bible study together.


"Remember it is not about you or OW, it is about his addiction and you have to help to break it off. Plan A, no LB, fillin ENs then plan B if plan A has no impact."

How do you keep your own Emotional energy up enough to keep going when it seems less than hopeful?

Excellent quote, RH. Helps me clarify what I want to do.
"Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret. - rh"

Trish


M (9 1/2 yrs) BW(34), WH (31), 2D (16, 8)
D Day Mar '03
Separated Aug '02
Attempted reconc Apr - Aug '03
Given papers Mar '03, tinkered with by my attorney Oct '03
OW gave birth to D - Aug 8 '03
At this point no papers officially filed.

Dear Tirsh,

You are not so ready for plan B yet, you need to do plan A. You might have to let it pass Dv if both of you are comfortable with it. Put Dv on hold.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How do you keep your own Emotional energy up enough to keep going when it seems less than hopeful?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well this is why plan A/B not for everyone. You have to make decision to walk through it. Sometime you need take a break from him. I would tell the lawyer to hold on filing for at least 3 months then review your plan A actions then decide later. You might have to do doormat plan A for a while before plan B. It is your choice.

You know if his top EN is companionship ... it is hard since there is separation. However you could tell him that you going places w/ family memeber to acompany her/him to activities that your H likes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Give him a hint to ask you out ... yet don't ask him.

Do your homework ...

-rh-

Thanks again. I feel a plan coming on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He actually stopped by yesterday with movie tickets for the whole family but we decided to wait a few days bc we had so many rented movies to watch. I hope its good news. And I hope it bothers the OW. Ouch. I hope I can jab her a little here.

PS-Are you familiar with lostva? I read an old post of hers and was inspired.

Yes, I read lostva's post when I start lurking here. She wasn't active on the board when I joined.

Remember this ... A will end, not now & not yet ! If one spouse is willing to wait and remain faithfull and focus on M reconsiliation could happen. Again, A is about you or OW, it is about him that in-love feeling for you is gone 'casue by OW filling his ENs.

He didn't reject you on filling his EN, compete w/ OW!. One thing you have to do is avoid LB at all cost. Also avoid talking about R or OW !. You are in effect is the OW now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Find out his ENs and compete w/ her, you know your H for long time and better than OW, he onced fell in love with you. You could do it better than her.

Good luck
-rh-

Your words have turned on a light bulb! I like the idea of "being the OW." LOL

Thanks for letting me bat this around with you!


Do you have suggestions for other areas of DB I should be reading or posting on?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by phrusselltn:
<strong> Do you have suggestions for other areas of DB I should be reading or posting on? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This board is very slow and I like it here but you might get better response at GQII.

-rh-