Ok, I finally have some time to post a little. RR, I tried to read your thread and post, but I was kept being interuppted. So I am just updating for myself now.

Yesterday was a busy and crazy day for me. I took D to dentist at 1pm, then she forgot her stuff from school, we went back to her school before heading for her consoling. This consolor tends to run a long session, by the time we got out, it was almost 4pm, we were supposed to be out by 3:30pm. D told her that she felt good that mom and dad are trying to work things out. I immedieate warn her that it may not be the case, I don't want to give her false hope.

After consoling, we went straight to S school to pick him up b/c I promised him in the morning I would pick him up. By the time we came home it was already 4:30pm. My class started at 5:30pm. So I rushed to my office to get the syllabus ready. there was about 10 min. left before the class began. Then dept chair wanted to talk to me, other people wanted to see me, students want their recommenationa letter and thier grades to changed. So you know how overwhleming that was. Amazingly, I did them all in 10 min. I didn't mean to change the grad and wote the letter, but they were all taken cared.

Summer course are very rush and intense, I spent 2 1/2 hr. in teaching, after that I was exauhsted. I even had no time to think of my own situation, that is why we all need to get busy. After going back to the office, I found out there were 5 messages in my cell, all about mortgages. So I had to do that work to. My business started to pick up a little again.

By the time i came home, it was 9pm. D was soing homework and crying. I asked her whether she had dinner, the answer was no, b/c dad took brother to skate night. I was mad, but I was not. I immediately thought Wh is being a good father. I should appreciate what he did. I greeted him(not him greeted me) and thanked him. He went straight cooking. I helped D finishing her homework. i don't understand why she didn't get my math gen. But anyway, one positive thing Learned in the cruise being with sis, is to understand other people. I will talk about that later. Then we had dinner at 9:30pm.

After dinner, H was taking out trash and started fixing the computer. This computer was acting up for a while, luckly we had another one. here was my chance to show my admiration. I told him how proud I was to have a computer expert in the house. He really is, that is his job. He built these computers and put them in network too.

By the time all the kids went to bed, it was 11:10pm. We both were exauhsted. We said good night and headed to differnt bedrooms, how funny.

So not nuch happened between us yesterday. Today I spent the whole morning working on my business, and I have to teach again. Tonight is supposed to be our first night to study the lesson, please pray for us. Please pray that he doesn't back out.

I feel much better now, the cruise helped a lot. Being with sis was great. I learned to live day by day and trust GOD.

I am stilll reading The Divorce Remedy. It teaches you to find signs of improvement. So this morning, H was picking ties. It was the first time in LOOOOONG time he asked my opinion about that. I was thrilled, of course I didn't show it. I learned to appreciate more.

lostnhurt - Glad to hear from you again. How did kids week go with WH while you were on the cruise?

Believer, you are here. I miss you, how are you doing?

Kids were ok with WH. He is a good dad. He bought D clothes and shoes and took them to Chinese school. Yesterday, he took S to a skate party too. I do appreciate eveyrhting he did.

Please pray for us to have a good start in tonights lesson. My goal is that he keeps his promise and does work with me.

thanks for catching up on my thread and replying. i am so proud of the way you are handling things. i read your recent update earlier but i'm just now getting a chance to reply. i think you should be the poster child for not LBing despite the way that your H is acting (which BTW looks like he's coming around). i wish momto3boys would start to come around w/your way of thinking. i'm also thinking that she needs to get away for a week like you did. she's not painting a very warm environment for her H to want to stay with or come back to.

well anyway, who am i to say anything? everyone just needs to be reminded that it is a chipping away process like SH says and that we all did not get here over night, we've got to do what it takes to stay the course and finish the race. a lot of time that means going past our own feelings and falling on the "sword" or shooting ourselves in the foot both are what SH says. we have to validate the WS feelings, stroke their ego, not LB, follow our actions w/our words, and alaways remember what our goal is.

so keep up the good work and continued prayers to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

RR, thank you for your encouragement. Everytime I read your thread, I feel like talking to a mom who has warm heart, same feeling as Believer. Even though I am 10+ years older.

I want to give this feeling to my children so they will remember me when they grow. Thank you for your prayer. I will keep all of you updated.

thanks lost that was very sweet and flattering. just wish i could have shown my warmth to my H. why can't he just give me another chance? well you know the answer, they are in an addiction and in a fog and are unable to put themselves in our shoes. anyway, hope you have a good night and i'll check in w/you tomorrow. prayers to you.

rr - Just keep plugging along. They usually change and come back, even if they say they want a D.

lostnhurt - Hurry up and get done with that book and send us some tips.

LNH,

I finally got a chance to read through your posts from the last few days. Sounds like the MBW was hectic, but it's good that your WH went. I do pray for you--that it will sink into his heart, even if it's just a little at a time. I do think it's promising that he attended the entire session and is willing to do the homework.

See...I told you you'd have a nice time on the cruise and that the kids would be fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sounds like they had some good bonding time with their father.

And I do think you're doing a great job in Plan A, too. I am starting to fail at it miserably. It's not that I'm LBing intentionally. I'm just backing away because I'm not sure what to do next.

Less than a week and I fly to Florida with my company for a three-day seminar that I don't want to attend. I am afraid my WH won't be at home watching the kids when he's supposed to. I guess it's good they're in their teens.

Then one more week after I return and I have my 3rd call with Jennifer. I'm hoping she can enlighten me on what my next move should be. I'm feeling very unfocused right now.

LL

LL,

I e-mailed you some pictures. Believer and RR, I will send you some too, rr needs to give me her e-mail. If you can teach me how to post it, it will be easier.

I just got off class and will be heading home soon. I am really nervous now, b/c I am afraid that Wh will back off the assignment. I keep praying and be not worried. Thank you for all your prayer, all my MB friends are of great help.

LL, I think your FL trip will help you, even it is not a fun trip. But go away from the environment you are used will help you to get your mind off. Relaxing really helps. I know that my situation is not better than before the trip, it is just me feeling better now, so I can have more energy to fight for my M.

Eeek! You don't think your situation is any better than before the cruise after WH and you had SF 4 times in one night? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We should all be so lucky.

Believer, Hmmm, I am not sure. After that, he acted the same, did not talk to me, slept in different room. What do I call that. Tomorrow I will not teach, I predict he will run away again. I pray that I am wrong.

lostnhurt -

No, that is very, very encouraging. If you read other people's treads here a lot, you will notice that most WS's have no lustful feelings toward the BS. And I think 4 times in one night must be a record. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is already 10:15pm, but the kids are not sleeping yet. S still not finished his hwk. WH wants go to bed. I am so paranoid. I want the kids to go to bed, not WH. So we can have our lesson. Please pray for me.

lostnhurt -

Don't expect miracles overnight. You have been exposed to MB program for a long time now. WH is just learning about it.

So hang in there, and be patient, it will not happen overnight.

you are still doing well, your being honest w/yourself about not trying to have expectations and you are continuing to do what you need to do to help rebuild your M. since we are all being honest here, my H and i have never had sex 4 times in one night!! maybe 3 and that was probably at the beginning of our relationship so wow! is all i can say. i would also find that enouraging but at the same time like you are doing, no expectations and continuing to pray. my email is chewey75@hotmail.com

i know you'll update us when you can. prayers to you.

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Believer, thank you for your constant soppurt.

It was sort of disappointed last night. It was 10:30pm when i finally put the kids to bed. I asked WH to start our lesson. He said what lesson? I siad that we have to do our assignment after the seminar. He said, you just have so many different things for me to do, one after another, I am not coming home anymore, I don't want to do anything. But I calmly said that we just need to listen some CD's. He was mumbling, i am so tired, i want to sleep, you can put it in the computer.

I immediately got the CD and put it in the computer while he tried to slip to his room. But the computer acted up, so i told him to come over to take a look. He finally came over reluctantly and fixed it. We atarted listening!

But he was also browsing the web too. But the fisrt 30 min were th same thing we heard from the seminar, it made sense for him to listen again. After that, it was the assignment time, we have to read the book HNHN, first 2 chapters etc, Love Buster, ch 15. Of course, i read all of them already, but he didn't. He refused to. He said he was too tired. I told him that he could read it later, just read it. I really doubt that he would read any. He said I have so much to read, I am not going to. I feel so frustrated. Then I asked him what is my love bank balance, positive, 0, or negative. He refused to answer me. He said he doesn't believe that. Finally I quited, I told him good night and went to bed. He stayed there browsing the internet, and he said he had no time and tired. I was so pissed off.

But anyway, I prayed and thanked GOD for this tiny baby step. At least he listened to the CD. I can't ask for more. I will keep praying that he will do it again tomorrow. I will specailly pray that he won't disappear tonight. Just come home. I wish I am in MOM's psoition already, an H can come home every night after work, and am willing to call and take calls.

It is a long road here, I have to have faith. I already saw people posting in the private forum and Dr. Harley was answering. But his reply somehow discourage me, he kept saying that it is time to quit or it is very difficult when there is a reluctunt spouse. SH kept telling me to chip away, and not to expect things to happen over night. i am even afraid to ask him about my case.

when i started reading your most recent post, the first thing that came to my mind was what SH said to you that he has said to me (as well as others i'm sure), that it is a chipping away process, some days it may only be a speck that is chipped away, and some days there may not be any chipping away but as long as the stuff isn't glued back on then we are doing good. now that last part is mine but i think you get my drift.

you know i don't know what's going to happen, none of us do. but right now i feel i still have to try and fight for my M despite what has happened and the obstacles we will face should my H come back. i talked w/a friend last night she asked me to meet her at mcdonald's where her son could play on the equipment and we talked. she couldn't believe that i was still wearing my wedding ring. she wants to support me in whatever decision i make but she's also trying to make sure that i'm realistic as well and thinks i'm being too easy on my H. i said the easy thing to do (not for me but for my H) would be to just let him off scott free, just agree to a D and walk away. i can't do that.

she asked me how will i ever be able to trust him again or not wonder about things if we got back together. i said that i'm not sure that i would be able to, i think i can giving certain conditions (NC, POJA, protecting our M), etc. but that i'm not so naive to think that maybe if he does come back that i may change my mind. none of these thoughts are new to any of us BS. as i look to the left of my computer screen i see a picture of me and my H together and just got a sick feeling knowing that it might not work out and hope that i will be able to handle it. it's "easy" to be strong right now not knowing what the future holds.

i just have to keep reminding myself like you, that God has a plan for us and that all this is happening for a reason. he can give us the strength, determination, and resolve to get through whatever may come. i'm just feeling really greedy lately about always asking God to give me strength and don't feel like i'm giving much back. does that make sense? i don't have family near by, i don't have kids, i do have a close friend near by but she and her husband and son will be moving to the D.C. area this summer. if i could go to church everyday i would maybe then i would feel like i'm giving back more. i'm praying, reading my Bible, and trying to know and do God's will but it's difficult to remain focused.

so what was the purpose in my writing this reply? don't know, oh yeah it was to talk about the chipping away process. well anyway, you do just what you can and let the Lord do the rest, i know i need to follow my own advice. prayers to you.

RR, it is a very comforting and insightful post. I always wanted the wisdom and ability to write like you and some others on the board. Guess GOD didn't give me this, instead of a logical mind. I don't blame him.

Yes, I have to constantly remind myself that it is a long long process. I have to be patient. I view what happened last night as a "sucess". If he comes home tonight, i will call it another sucess. I need to tell myself that I've been making progress so I can keep going.

GOD"s work is really amazing. When I looked back, there were a lots of miracles along the way. I can't be too greedy. I should be thankful. GOD has HIS plan for us. RR, you are in Indiana. right? Maybe we can visit each other sometime.

you cease to amaze me on what you think about me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> you really think i was insightful? wow. i actually live in illinois but work in st. louis, MO. it's less then a 18 mile drive. i would absolutely love to meet you, as well as many others who post. still haven't given up on the joint MB cruise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> for some reason i had it in my mind that you lived in upstate new york.

there are so many cliche's that can be said, some are hind sight is 20/20, it often takes a tragic event for something good to happen, you never know how someone feels until you're in their shoes, etc. i am still not convinced that God's plan involves me not getting back together w/my husband and maybe i'm still being disobedient in that regard. i just feel like God has worked such a miracle inside me and that i've started sharing that w/others but still feel that the person i want to share this w/the most is my H. what better of a testimony could i be to him and to his family then if i were given another chance at my M?

i've been in "church" all my life and my family are believers. i say that i've been a Christian since i was eight years old. now was i always the Christian i should have been? certainly not, can i still grow and learn? absolutely. my H was not a believer when we met or married. he did profess Christ several years ago and was baptized but has not really done anything since. i think that what he did was more to appease me but the truth of it is that only God and my H knows whether or not it was sincere or genuine at the time. but SH said that it serves me better to come from the standpoint that my H is a Christian and act accordingly.

my H has really expressed an interest in religious history and has said that he wants to teach this and is in fact going to college for this. i personally thought most of the time that this was a form of justification for him. meaning that because he liked religious history and was going to teach it that it was okay if he didn't believe all of what the Bible said. does that make sense? his family is not believers and several years ago when he told his family he didn't believe in their religion anymore of course that hurt his dad a lot and also think that's a reason why he feels good about the whole religious history thing. now from my mom's standpoint, she thinks that my H is searching and that i should embrace this, that came out around the time around thanksgiving and i just told her that she didn't know how it felt to be married to someone who thinks they can pick and choose what they believe from the Bible and how scary it is to think that he might get involved into something that wasn't of God. i'm afraid he has, from my impression, again this is my impression, that the OW believes or practices a form of religion that had it's origins in witchcraft. i'm not going to go into that here but none the less, satan is and has been working his magic to rip apart my M.

i think my H confuses being religious and being a Christian. i think a lot of people confuse this and wish he could or would be around other men that he respected/admired and had a lot in common with who were Christians so he could see the differences. maybe he will someday, everything w/God is possible because he never fails. i still hold fast that God will convict my H and that his heart will be softened to me again so that we can rebuild a M that is pleasing to God. i know that i wasn't the helpmeet or mate that my H needed or that i was supposed to be. i didn't respect or admire my H or at least i didn't show him that i did. i had a lot of anger and over the years it was pretty common for me to hang up the phone on my H and i've even thrown things.

you know what? i cannot get angry anymore, i've actually thought about how good it would feel to get angry and hit a punching bag to get my agressions out. how is it possible that someone like me could possibly change from being so quick to anger to not even be mad at the people who have hurt me (my H, the OW, IL's)? of course, it's by the grace of God. yes, it's sad and tragic that the A is what it took for me to wake up to the MB concepts and become closer to God but here i am, here we are and because of that we are better people.

my mom is still so stunned at the way i have been since all of this has come out because it's just not normal for me. the old me would have hunted the OW down and beat the crap out of her and would have done everything i could not to ever let my H out of my sight again. but i've realized that's part of the reason why i'm here because of the way i've been. my mom came up a few weeks ago (she lives about 6 hours away) and attended the church where i've been going since Dday. she was just so happy and cried because she really felt this is where God wanted me to be (in that church) even if i was all by myself that God was still sending lots of support my way.

i also saw the Passion of Christ and the humbled me incredibly. i don't even listen to music anymore because it just makes me sad it one way or another. but i have been listening to a radio station at work and in my truck that has absolutely been wonderful and helped me out a lot, it's through the Bott radio network. have you heard of it? not sure if you would really have the time i do to listen to it but i think it would be a blessing to you to listen when and if you can.

well i have truly rambled on and taken over your thread. just felt like sharing that w/you and anyone else who has stuck w/this post to the end <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> prayers to you.

Wow, RR, that is a great sharing. you don't call that insightful? I have many thoughts, but it is hard for me to pu them in writing, maybe partialy due to that I am not a native English speaker.

Please keep sharing with me and others hear. I am in Michigan.