I thought we were in plan A. I told H that I wanted to spend New Years together as a symbolic new beginning. I told him for a week. Then New Years comes and he says he wants to go out for an hour. I told him I would rather he not go as I had made plans for our evening. He finally guilted me into letting him go. He said he was going to pick up a friend and be right back. That was at 7 New Years Eve. Well the new year came and went. Byt 3 today I was a basket case worried if he was alright and where he was. He called his mom at 6 tonight and told her that he wasn't dead or in jail and he would be home tomorrow...<BR>So now I have to face tomorrow...Not knowing where he has been or what he has been doing. Not knowing if he will come home and say he doesn't want to be here anymore.<BR>The thing that hurts me the most is he had no respect to let me know he was ok...Plus the hurt that the kids have been going through. My 2 oldest have been in tears...they miss dad and I don't know what to tell them...I don't know where daddy is. It is tearing me up inside.<BR>I love him so much and it hurt so bad that he can treat me like this. It makes me wonder if he really does even love me...<BR>I am afraid.<BR>Stacy T.<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <A HREF="http://journeys.webprovider.com" TARGET=_blank>http://reflect.to/journeys</A> <P> <BR>

Stacy T., I'm so sorry about the hurt your husband has put you and your kids through. Betrayers often behave as if they've completely lost their minds - and that is the best way to look at it, as if they were mentally ill.<P>You wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I thought we were in plan A.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What you have to understand about Plan A is there is no "we" in Plan A. Plan A is YOU working and, no, it is not fair, and yes, it sucks. But, as you have discovered, right now, you are in this marriage alone - your husband is not participating.<P>When he comes home, you are going to have to do the most incredible Plan A acting job of your life! You have to avoid Love Busters even though the fright he gave you really seems to warrant them. In fact, you should probably pretend that nothing ever happened! That you were NOT worried about him at all. That you didn't care that he wasn't there. And just go about life as if the last two days never happened.<P>You might think that is a stupid idea - but, boy, wouldn't it shock the you-know-what out of him? Have you ever read <B>Divorce Busting</B> by Michele Weiner-Davis? This approach is referred to in that book as "the 180" - a complete turnaround from the way you have always and would normally react. Michele has a website, too - if you haven't done so already, check it out: <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>Divorce Busting</A><P>Hang on tight, Stacy ... this rollercoaster ride is completely unpredictable, and sometimes it's too scary for words...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Thanks Terri,<BR>I guess my biggest fear is he is going to come home and tell me it is over. I amd sure he has been with her the last 2 days. But you know what. I am at the point where I just want him to do what he needs to do. I love him...<BR>Yes I have read DB and plan on doing the 180. I figured I would just wait for him to talk to me...<BR>Stacy

Best of luck to you, Stacy ...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

jadedheart--<P>Let me share a similar experience w/you in the I-can't-BELIEVE-he-did-that category.<P>October '98. My H (then fiance) was managing an "up and coming" heavy metal band. I really HATED that time period, SO many insecure feelings and anger w/the separations while he went w/them to perform, girls calling the house, AND his Ex an avid fan and follower too! grrrrr. <P>On Halloween night (my bday), the band had a field party at the farm owned by the lead singer. Radio personalities and others in the music industry were expected. The band occasionally played for younger audiences (h.s. gyms, etc.), and when it was mentioned that activities for kids were planned for the party, my H suggested that we take our 3 kids. I knew the party would be inappropriate for children and wasn't relishing being anywhere NEAR his Ex and music I don't particularly like, but decided to zip my lip and see what happened. We took the kids trick-or-treating, had fun. When we got home, H called to see how the party was shaping up and was informed that no kids were there and no activities for them. (surprise, surprise)<P>We discussed. We both felt uncomfortable leaving the kids home by themselves (my oldest daughter was 15 at the time, but our family-blending relatively new), so that meant we weren't going to the party together. I suggested we stay home. H countered that since he managed the band he felt he really should go, how did I feel about him going for just a few hours. Similar feeling of being guilted into it that you expressed, jaded. <P>He went; I stayed home. He didn't come home until 7 the next morning. With the weirdest story I've ever heard and although I do believe he told me the truth, I was FURIOUS that he wasn't at least courteous enough to call me and my fury grew with his excuses for "not being able" to call me. I was also very hurt because he stayed out all night on my bday, and I felt that to him, the band "came first." <P>I whined, cried, yelled, lovebusted all over the place...for 2 straight days. I also brought it up over and over afterwards, any time I got upset. This occurred in the days before I found MB. Had I known what I've learned at this site then, I would have done it all differently, and probably gotten my point across much more quickly without the painful stress we both went through. <P>The band saga was a horrible time for me. They showed promise, but I also saw how on-the-edge they lived. Whatever progress H made with them, their promise was overshadowed by their excesses. H cleaned them up for performances, invested in merchandise (his investment was never repaid) which sold like hotcakes, he entered them in competitions and w/his guidance they won, got them recording time and the release of their 5th CD. Then they "stabbed him in the back." Didn't need him any more. And I thought THANK GOD!!!! (Predictably, the band rapidly disintegrated into booze and drugs with no manager babysitting them, and they just play locally--and badly--now, when they're not kicked out before they even get a chance to play.)<P>H had to see for himself the destructiveness of this time period; I couldn't force his eyes open. Our relationship really suffered, not to mention our finances. He responded better to me after I learned to show him appreciation for his good intentions even though I completely disagreed with his choices. And I learned how to VOICE my disagreement in a less confrontational way. I got "in his corner," not the BAND's corner. So...when they hoodwinked him, H went through many thoughts and feelings but I was supportive enough that he felt able to confide in me without shame. <P>Your situation is tense. You are very, VERY hurt. And probably very angry. When he comes home, show him your caring side. Grit your teeth, scream in a pillow...whatever you have to do. BUT, don't patronize him; he's not stupid. You can't pretend you're not upset at ALL, he won't buy it. But you CAN calmly discuss it that first time and completely withhold all lovebusters. It will take some acting to accomplish this, obviously. Simply say something like you're glad he's okay, you were worried. (Hug him, if you are able.) Ask him if there's anything he'd like to talk about (probably not, at this point). Then say you'd like to talk about it sometime when you're both ready (gives him an indication his actions affected you, but the gavel hasn't fallen yet...let him chew on his choices in confusion w/your pleasant, non-confrontational greeting). <P>What do you think? Let us know what's happening. We're here for you, ready to help in any way we can.<P>Laura

Laura,<BR>Thanks for the advice. It was pretty close to what I have decided to do. It is 10 in the morning now and I have no idea when to expect him home. So I am keeping myself busy. I am going to follow his lead and see where it goes...it is in God's hands from here on out...<BR>Stacy T

Stacy--<P>Heard anything yet?<P>Thinking about you, and hoping for the best.<P>Laura

Stacy,<P>I'm thinking of you, and praying that he didn't do anything TOO stupid...<P>Let us know what happens...<P>Also, I'm so sorry you were put through this...it's terrible <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Still no word it is almost 5 now...2 hours and he will have been gone 48 hours. My mother in law is going to come over after she gets off at 8 if he isn't here yet and she will wait with me. He has to eventually show up here...he has no clothes and his work stuff is here. <BR>I am starting to think that I need to resort to the tough love strategy regardless of the outcome...I don't know I am still trying to decide. I am just dying inside from the pain and I am starting to hate him ( not so much him but the things he does...)<BR>I have to do something...<BR>The woman who is going over the edge...also known as Stacy

Ok, just rereading the posts...I think I do need to follow Laura's advice...LOL<BR>Ok so I really am going nuts because you should see the big smile on my face! Thank you guys so much for the support! *HUGS* to you...

Well, it has now been 48 hours and still no word from him...<BR>I am at the breaking point.

I think I'd be tempted to call the police and file a missing person's report... seriously.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

I did end up filing a missing persons report. They have a state wide APB out on him. As of yet I have not heard anything. I hope this isn't a love buster. But I care and I am so worried it is not even funny. His mom is too. The thing that worries me is that he hasn't even called her. I hope I hear something soon...<BR>I have my candle burning and I am praying for his safe return...or even just a call saying he is O.K.

No matter what, this can't possibly be a love buster... if it is, then throw everything Harley ever wrote out the window!! Not really... but this can't be!!!!<P>I sure hope everything's okay... I just think it's wierd that he'd go out "for just a while" and never come back...<P>You did the right thing.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Thanks Sheryl<BR>Still worried and waiting...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Stacy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hoping that there will be some good news when I get home from work later...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Stacy--<P>I do hope he's all right! Is your MIL still with you?<P>Laura

Laura,<BR>No she is not here she had to get home. <P>Thank you so much for your thoughts. Still no word and I don't know what to think.<P>Stacy

Stacy--<P>Have you tried calling his workplace yet?<P>How horrible that you're going through this, you hang in there...this too shall pass!<P>{{{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}}<P>Laura

Jadedheart...I don't know if I've replied to you before. I'm following your story and I'm concerned about you & also your H's whereabouts. Yes, please call his place of employment and find out if he is there.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited January 03, 2000).]