I haven't posted since the first of the year when I had just found out about WH's affair. All of January seemed to be going well but there were continous lies about the NC with OW, to me and the MC. WH was finally caught at end of Jan. with all his lies. It was at that point that he said he was ready to stop the lying and get on with his life. He said he knew he did not want to loose me and wanted to really start working on our marriage. Since then he has been opened and honest to me about the A and what he wants to happen with us. He has had NC with OW (that I know of)and when I ask he assures me he has not. We have been going to together to MC and seprately to individual counselors.

Here's my concerns...maybe due to my insecurities and distrust(although I do want to start trusting everything he is telling me now)

1. He does continue to tell me that he loves but does have strong feelings for the OW. He said that I am in his heart but not there alone. The OW has a part of his heart too. How long will it take for him to get over this feelings for OW, if ever?
2. He saids he wants our marriage to work and seems to be trying except he does not want to make love to me or even just have sex. He said he wants to make love to me when he can feel certain that it is me that he is making love to. Is this normal and how long will it take for him to over come this, if ever? I don't think that a recovering marriage can not survive with out the sexual fullfillment.
3. He saids he wants to make the marriage work but is scared that it may not work even after all the work? Can you really be working on the marriage and still have these kinds of fears.

I am not giving up on this man...I love him too much to do that. I really feel or maybe it is my heart that wants to believe we will be one of the lucky ones that can recover from this. But, I know that I can not do it alone. Any advice would be apprecaited. Thanks.

Are you in Plan A? Has he written a NC letter to OW? The withdrawal period is very hard for BS to watch. Hang in there.

Meltingdown, we are in a very similar place. On 1/8/04 the truth began coming out. On 2/3 found out it had been a PA, not just an EA. What's rough for me is she works for H. She is leaving in one week, thank God, but has to train new person. He appears to be committed to recovery work, but until the little "B" is finally gone, we can't even begin to heal. He is going to write NC letter after she leaves.

I know how difficult it is to listen to the "feelings" about OW. Makes you want to puke doesn't it? I know inside it's all crap, but it still hurts to hear. My sister-in-law who went through this told me in an A both people are just letting each other see the best parts of each other. My H talked to his former shrink in Dec. to get advice about what he should do. Something the shrink said to him stuck. He said "After you've been through the pain and agony of divorce then you will see if OW loves what's left of you."

This morning H was having mini panic attacks in bed. He kind of screwed up his business in all this too, so he's dealing with that. When I asked him if he wanted to talk he said "Not yet!" So I put my psychic armor on and asked him if what he was feeling was about OW. I encouraged H to talk so there wouldn't be secrets. Well, he feels all this guilt because the poor baby thought she had her career laid out in his business. Now the poor thing is having a hard time finding a job in that industry. I had to let him talk, although I wanted to blast the heck out of her. Then I calmly told him "She made her bed, and now she has to sleep in it." Also told him to quit letting her rope him into feeling talks. They both screwed up and now they both have to face the consequences. He is not responsible for her, but to me and our kids. Actually it was a good talk, not just me lecturing him. I said "Her intentions were not good, and her choices weren't either. Which is why she is where she is."

Bottom line, it's hard to hear anything remotely kind about the conniving OW. And hearing about their feelings of love is even worse. For me, allowing him to talk, when I feel strong enough, neutralizes some of the feelings and has made us closer. The book "After the Affair" has a very good section on romantic love, and how it always goes away. Maybe he could read that. Take care!

I can only reply to question 3. Yes, you can work on the marriage and still have doubts about how everything will turn out in the end. I do so on a daily basis. However, it will really help to focus on the positive! Remind him of all the positives! Tell him what you are so happy about despite all this happening. Tell him how positive you are that you both can make this work together (even if you have doubts). I am reading a book called "Making Love Last forever" and it talks about finding the pearls in the sandstorm. The A is the sandstorm. What good has come of it? You may not see any of it now but even him wanting to work on the M is a good pearl! Try to keep your head up no matter how discouraged you may be.
God Bless!

Thank you all, I am trying to keep the faith and have a postive attitude through this all. I feel like I am in plan A. I trying to not do any LB's and trying to make my H reallize what a good life he really does have. There has not been any NC letter written. But, he did tell OW that he did not want to see her anymore on the phone with me in his presents.
H does tell me he still loves me (even though he loves OW more), we are going to MC together and he continues to say he wants our marriage to work. Of course, part of me wants to believe that this is all true and things will work out as we work on ourselfs and our marriage. But, there is always this doubt that he is playing me for some reason. I feel like he is covering up something by trying so hard to gain my trust, by saying he is being O&H and then scolds me when I pry too much.(Is he secretly still in contact with OW, I have no proof that he is...I want to believe him when he said he has not had contact with her)
Do you listen to those gut feelings or do you just pass them off as if they are really nothing or is my mind just working over time. Thanks for your support, it really does help.

I listen to the gut feeling. Have trouble passing them off but it is major LB to do so. Hey what is this 180 list?

I had a gut feeling yesterday. Wasn't sure what it was about until H and I talked this morning. He thinks that he is keeping it all business while she is training knew person. However, he allowed her to talk to him about how hard it has been for her to find a job. Which led to his guilt and a feeling of responsibility towards her. He thought he was keeping it business because he said he's help her find a job. I had to point out to him that she was roping him into emotional talk and he could not go there with her. She is not his responsibility. He just needs to say "I'll write you a good letter of recommendation" and that's that. The thing is until I asked him to talk he was concealing that from me because he didn't want to upset me, or have me go bonkers. Which I didn't do. These OWs are tricky little creatures.