Author Topic: need some TLC Please read
sad and tired
Junior Member
Member # 34005

posted March 22, 2004 05:18 PM
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My story short and simple is a breakdown in the marriage. I have written my story around oct of last year under feelinglonely. My husband met someone, told me he was in love with her, now says he did not know what he was saying. He wants a divorce, claims he has never loved me, felt pressured to marry me. Our youngest daughter is coming up to be 2 yrs old he tells me he was going with the flow to have her. I am sick of hearing these remarks. He has been involved in pranic healing and psychics who tell him thngs from past lives that we are not meant to be together. Things have really changed since he got involved with this. Just today he tells me it was because I was trying to controll him and that I was to whiny in our marriage, also I told him 7 yrs ago when I was mad that I wish I had never married him. He is selling all his trucks that he has always wanted to work on. He was a workholic and now tells me he did this because he did not want to be around me. I am finding this harsh and overwhelming. All I wanted was some quality time to go camping and spend time as a family. He had loads of time by himself working in his shop. He cant stay away from the vitamin shop where this other woman is. He sleeps there on a pranic healing bed and claims nothing is going on. My husband has hardly dated anyone before meeting me at age 21 we are now 34 and 35. He has never been good at expressing his feelings and when I do it looks like I am the bad one. I have tried doing plan A but he is adament about this. It seems like a mid life crisis? need some advice what he sais to me makes me feel like it was somehow my fault and that I was a naggy wife. I am exhausted of all he is saying. I felt like things were not that bad between us he has a totally different respective. i feel there are bumps in a marriage he said today in a happy voice that "he wont be seeing me in his next life" I feel like is brainwashed. Its just sad to think that things so small in our marriage could make him take it this far. what should I do?
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believer
Member
Member # 30284

posted March 22, 2004 05:40 PM
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I remember your story. He does sound like he is brainwashed. How scary! Can you try Plan B before you get completely sick and tired of him?
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believer
Member
Member # 30284

posted March 23, 2004 08:38 AM
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bump
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sad and tired
Junior Member
Member # 34005

posted March 23, 2004 04:50 PM
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thanks for the advice. I really do think it is time for plan b. My problem is I am in school full time right now in the Licenced Practical Nurse Course and He is caring for the kids during the day while I go to school. I would be afraid to ruffle his feathers. He does want to move out but financially it will be hard for him unless we sell the house. My hardest part through all of this is feeling cheated from this marriage. How can you marry someone and then he acts like he has never cared, other people can go through pure hell, addictions, or affairs and some can manage to get their marriage back together. we have had usual stuff lack of communication is a big one, he never wants to talk and when something bothers him he stuffs it down and lookout 10 yrs later he has alot to say. I feel that is so unfair. Life sucks!
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believer
Member
Member # 30284

posted March 23, 2004 07:06 PM
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How much longer to you have in school? I am so glad you are going to school. You may have to stay around awhile longer.

Get your ducks in line and do the 180's.
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sad and tired
Junior Member
Member # 34005

posted March 23, 2004 10:35 PM
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Actually I have a ways to go in school. This monday we start our first practicum, and the course in not finished untill Dec 17, 04. Last year in march I noticed my husband seemed really depressed and he really started getting involved in all this pranic healing psychic stuff, and In august he told me he was in love with this other woman but knew it was wrong and they both knew it was wrong. But now he denies it and says he did not know what he was talking about and that he was just confused. Tell me if I am right, but isnt it true that when you have feelings for someone else it makes you take a look at your marriage and then you start to second guess everything and might start thinking how can you have feelings for someone else when you are suppose to have these feelings for your spouse?
My husband really relies on his feelings when he makes decisions. I tend to think I guess in a logic kind of way and look for reasons why a person would feel that way, not just relying on what my feelings tell me. Anyhow when all this started I felt I needed some security so I went back to school. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 7 yrs and I was a bookeeper before that, but I wanted something that would provide me with a decent paycheck to look after the kids and myself.
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believer
Member
Member # 30284

posted March 23, 2004 10:46 PM
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When they are involved with OW, they completely change. Continue your schooling and don't expect too much right now. It will take some time for him to get back to reality.
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December seems like a long way away, but if you stay busy (sounds like you are) and stick with us, you will get through this.

When they are "in love" with someone else, everything else goes out of their mind. They are like addicts. I don't think the healing thing has anything to do with it. That is just part of his fantasy world.

My worry is that you have been going through this for so long. You may lose your love and respect for him. You could try to detach and do the 180's. I think talking about your relationship with him right now is a big waste of time. He is too much in the fog.

The good part is that most affairs don't last too long. So he may just snap out of it and be the husband you married again.

Keep posting and some experts will join in. HUGs to you from California.

Thanks for the post. You have one thing right it is a waste of time talking to him right now. He believes he is right about all of this and that the marriage has to end, sad thing though he is extrmely stubborn and he will want to prove he's right. Emotionally I feel detached from him right now and In general I am preparing for a life without him, I dont want to get caught up in believing he's going to change. The scary thing is him and how he talks about past lives and he needs to leave the marriage so he wont meet up with me in the next life. With things like that I have to bite my tongue from flying off the handle and having more things for him to resent about me. Its sad because really it was lack of speding time together, I wanted to but he was always to busy working on trucks helping other people. I hated sitting back watching the years pass and we had done no camping and not doing to much together as a family. He has never seen eye to eye with me on this. He says "well my dad was always working and doing things has it hurt me" my response is yes it has like father like son. He also felt left out after the kids were born it is now 8 yrs later and I just found out7 mnths ago. He does not talk much. He wants to sell the house so there is more money to buy two places. Do some move out for a year or so and then reconciliate with their spouses. I he ever does change it will take a lot of time. I think he needs that space.

Yikes- I was watching court TV last night about a lady that specialized in numerology. She met different women and conned them into thinking she had the answers to all of their problems. I thought about you.

This lady was a skillful con artist that ended up killing one of her victims. And the victims were all otherwise very smart, but just fell for her line. It was really scary.

So just keep on the best you can. I am sure he will come out of this and wonder what he has done. But somehow this OW is meeting his needs. See if you can start meeting some of them. I know it is hard, but he is very, very lost.

Actually I truly do not beleive he will come out of it. He told me today that he went and seen a lawyer to see what he could and could not do, and that the courts do not care what has gone on between us and that all they care about is the children.

He has been saying that nothing he has ever said or ever done for me has been good enough. He also likes to talk about other people like our friends and that so and so's wife is controlling him and even his brothers fiance is going to controll him. He claims the doors have opened and he has seen the light. I dont beleive I ever tried to controll him all I ever wanted was to have fun and do family things like go camping and skiing and doing things together. In some ways I am happier now that I am going to school and doing something,he said I should have done that along time ago. Maybe it would have made our marriage better because I would have been doing more than just staying at home taking care of the kids. It just seems wrong to me that he bases wanting a divorce by all of these silly reasons. Marriage is about growing together and learning from your mistakes not bailing.

He is deeply in the fog and rewriting the history of the marriage. Continue your schooling and get prepared to have a life, with or without him.

But I really think he will be back. Most of them do come back.

Also I think it is great that you stayed home and devoted yourself to your family. Nothing wrong with that. Don't listen to his fogese.

sad and tired

Reading your story was almost like reading my own.

I have even asked my H if he's in some type of cult/religion etc.. he denied it.

My H is big on "The four agreements" book, the "power of the word" junk like that.

As far as what your H is saying in regards to being controlling and picking all the little errors in your marriage, my H is doing same exact thing.

I told my H he is just trying to justify what he's doing to himself and everyone else. Making himself "look like the hero". Which I know falls under the "disrespectful judgement" catagory, but I looked at it as being honest.

I too always wanted to be an LPN. But I chose to marry my H instead in fear that I wouldn't beable to maintain our R, work and go to school and excel. He promised to take care of me for life.

Now I am contemplating Medical Assistant. It's 13 months part time school, but I am trying to find out the payscale first.

Fog talk, it hurts sooooo bad. I pray for the day my H wakes up.

Thanks for posting, sometimes I find It hard in this site I feel like my story is not interesting because sometimes you never get people posting.

It's nice to read someone elses story when they are simialar to your own, my h is into all those books too power of the mind, Human vibrations etc.

I have also told my husband the same thing that he is trying to justify what he is doing but he just tells me it is not true and that he is one of a kind of how he feels and noone else is like him, and he doesn't care what these boards say.

My husband also said he would take of me for life, and I chose to stay home with the kids. I was going to take the denatal assising course when we were first together but instead we bought a house and I continued to work where I was untill our daughter was born.

I hope your husband wakes up from the fog but I feel mine is hopeless. He's even worried that if we tried to make things better it would go back to the way it was. I see it as what do we have to lose in trying, unless he's got someone else it does not make any sense.

beleiver thanks for posting I did not see your post right away. Thanks for the hope, but I am preparing for a life with or without him.

I was happy staying home with the kids but I think I was a bit isolated and I feel much better now that I am doing something. The sad thing is if we separate I will have to work full time and I won't see the kids as much. This sucks.

m 11yrs
T 13 yrs
3 children 2,5,8

Sad and Tired

Too weird, too similar. H and I M for 11 yrs, together 15, 2 D's 3 & 7.

He's even worried that if we tried to make things better it would go back to the way it was. I see it as what do we have to lose in trying, unless he's got someone else it does not make any sense.

My H kept saying same thing in the beginning, that he didn't want things to go back the way they were, and my reply was the same as yours.

Now my H says marriage is over, we've been emotionally divorced for years <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I just started Plan B Monday, it's hard when I look at the kids. But when I look around the house and think "this is the girls and I house" it's kind of liberating.

I'm up in the air with what to do, I have a new post in GQ forum.

I have one big piece of advise, learn from me. Stick with a solid Plan A and end it nicely if you go into Plan B. I didn't end very nicely and had a few crying episodes in Plan A. If I could go back I would charge through Plan A like I own it.

I'll keep looking in on your posts, we are too similar.

Thanks for the post, I hear what you are saying I have had some crying episodes as well. I am just so tired of him telling me there is nothing to work out. He tells me he feels like he was abused emotionally because there was not enough lovemaking going on for him in our marriage. Maybe he is right there wasnt but why should I be made to feel it was all my fault. He had many opportunities but he chose many nights to work in his shop or stay up late at night because he works night shift.

I feel like he doesn't look at the whole picture as to why it was like that, because I felt unloved just like him in the ways that he wasn't there to spend quality time together, go out, go have fun go skiing and family time is extemely important to me and my needs were not being met either.

His ideas of marriage are that he shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to, regardless of how it might affect someone. He beleives the kids will not be affected and I think they should see a counsellor and he doesn't think so that they will be fine.

He also told me the other day that regardless of how he told me he loved this other woman that it has nothing to do with the fact that he wants to divorce me at all and that it is just between me and him. He tells me he has never felt in love with me and that he felt he was in the fog ever since high school and that his brain was never working properly but know he has seen the light.

How can a person ever trust someone again to get married. How can you walk down that aile and pledge your love to someone for better or for worse and then when the marriage isn't quite right for a few years and you enter some troubled waters your husband wants to bail the marriage.
Shouldn't your spouse be there for you no matter what! Marriage is never easy but its about commitment

Sad,

From some of his comments, I am getting a strong signal that your husband is mentally ill.

I advise you to quietly go to your doctor and tell him what you are telling us.

Shul