Whaler

I know for a fact that H feels responsible for whatever "ill" happenings that may occur to the OW. Although his feelings of responsibility really irritate me there's nothing I can do about it.

I've tried to explain to him that his energy should be placed into responsibility towards his own family and the OW should do the same.

I have and am still learning how different people are and how I can try to understand them better. I am the opposite of my H in so many ways of thinking. I am the first to place responsibility on myself for my actions, and expect everyone else to do the same, which is hardly ever the case.

I have a friend that takes everything to heart that is said and doesn't respond to joking very well. Which I am a big "joker" in conversation, I like to laugh and it's what gets me through the day. THe other day we were talking about it and I said "You shouldn't be that way, you shouldn't take everything so seriously". The response was "That is me, you need to accept that"

This was another awakening phrase to me. How true...Who am I to tell this person to change. I now have a choice to not accept this person as they are and omit them from my life or to try to adapt to their needs.

This is actually harder than it sounds because now I'm faced with not being myself when speaking to them to respect their feelings. I really like this person as a friend in my life. It's a very good friend that I know would always be there for me good times and bad. Just a true friend.

I am going to try to adapt to their feelings and "say what I mean" without the sarcasim that so many other friends love me for because they know I'm joking and they too love to laugh with me.

That's just another part of me I'm working on. How to adapt to other's feelings/personalities. God, I'm 33 years old. Glided through life without "working" on myself and always did very well until now. I feel like "working" on myself isn't being the true Me. I'm doing it for everyone else. Confusing, confusing, confusing.

Dear M,

I got into an argument yesterday with some very good workers in another department. I did not use very good social skills. I kept asking them, "Why are you withholding infomration from me?" Not really impolite or insulting, but not smooth and adroit. They kept asking me, "Why do you need to know that?" Perfect circle. (I have since smoothed the incident over, and agreed that I would try to more clearly indicate that I would respond to their requests, and get information later, as I mght need it.)

Trying to omit expressing some ideas, that come to you, that you know could irritate others, is not exactly betraying yourself. If an idea comes to your mind, and the way of expressing the idea is sarcastic, you can probably find a way to reformulate the expression of YOUR idea into a format other than sarcasm. Ideally, it is a sign of a healthy personality, to be able to express yourself in any degree of intensity with the full range of possible emotions. An exercise in self-improvement is to take a particualr situation, and express ideas about the situation from various feelings points of view. If you have difficutlty with expressing concpets in a particular feeling, then that is an indication of an area in which you can experience personal growth, if you work on expressing ideas in your difficult range of feelings. Maybe your friend who wishes to be serious, would be willing to be your partner to explore practicing expressing yourselves at other levels of feelings and intensity. Sort of like acting classes. Takola is an MB regular.
Words for Feelings:

From Takola


Feeling Words ~ In order of intensity of feeling from a little to a lot
Mad:
Bothered
Ruffled
Irritated
Displeased
Annoyed
Steamed
Irked
Perturbed
Frustrated
Angry
Fed up
Disgusted
Indignant
Ticked off
Bristling
Fuming
Explosive
Enraged
Irate
Incensed
Burned up
Outraged
Furious
Blind rage

Sad:
Down
Blue
Somber
Low
Glum
Lonely
Disappointed
Worn out
Melancholy
Down hearted
Unhappy
Dissatisfied
Gloomy
Mournful
Grieved
Depressed
Lousy
Crushed
Defeated
Dejected
Empty
Wretched
Despairing
Devastated

Glad:
At ease
Secure
Comfortable
Relaxed
Contented
Optimistic
Satisfied
Refreshed
Stimulated
Pleased
Warm
Snug
Happy
Encouraged
Tickled
Proud
Cheerful
Thrilled
Delighted
Joyful
Elated
Exhilarated
Overjoyed
Ecstatic

Afraid:
Uneasy
Apprehensive
Careful
Cautious
Hesitant
Tense
Anxious
Nervous
Edgy
Distressed
Scared
Frightenend
Repulsed
Agitiated
Afraid
Shocked
Alarmed
Overwhelmed
Frantic
Panic stricken
Horrified
Petrified
Terrified
Numb

Confused:
Curious
Uncertain
Ambivalent
Doubtful
Unsettled
Hesitant
Perplexed
Puzzled
Muddled
Distracted
Flustered
Jumbled
Unfocused
Fragmented
Dismayed
Insecure
Dazed
Bewildered
Lost
Stunned
Chaotic
Torn
Baffled
Dumbfounded

Ashamed:
Uncomfortable
Awkward
Clumsy
Self-conscious
Disconcerted
Chagrinned
Abashed
Embarrassed
Flustered
Sorry
Apologetic
Ashamed
Regretful
Remorseful
Guilty
Disgusted
Belittled
Humiliated
Violated
Dirty
Mortified
Defiled
Devastated
Degraded

Actually these feelings can be rank-ordered, in degrees of postiveness, so that you can be sensitive to your conversational partners, by taking an approach that is a little more positive than their current level of positiveness. People who are less postive become annoyed if someone takes an attitude that is substantially morfe positive than their own.

Delighted
Joyful
Cheerful
Encouraged
Careful (Serious)
unfocused
Sarcastic, Poking fun(From M01069)
Angry
Fuming
Fed Up
Frustrated
Ashamed
Humiliated
Panic Stricken
Afraid
Sorry
Sad
Bewildered

So my suggestion would be to relate to your friend as if you are a happy person, perspective, and save the teasing for those of us who appreciate that. I got in trouble today for teasing people at work. Apparenty they have a new boss who is putting more pressure on them, so they are looking for people to make wrong, and I stepped into their trap.

But I may be wrong about your friend, and your friend may actauly be in Panic. Some people are so much in Panic, that they carefully mask their panic. In which case you rfiend my better respond to angry, Fuming or Fed Up. I have studied attitudes off and on for 25 years. I don't feel qualified to teach attitudes, and adjustinf attitudes to different prople and situations, but I can be a learning partner, if you are interested. I have found the study of attitudes to be quite helpful, for me personally. I have mentioned attitudes in response to your comment about your friend, and your being your REAL self. There is quite a bit possible to do in respect to self-improvement. I do not meant to take away from your efforst to understand Mars and Venus. But I can go on and on about Attitudes, if you are interested.

I have been working on several sensititivites for my Son. He does not like me to leave messages on his cell phone. I had been leaving messages for him as to how car repairs are progressing, and what cars are available, if his car breaks down, or needs repairs. So I am changing to not leave him messages. I used to talk about my son's current endeavors with his friends when they would call for him. My son asked that I not speak to his friends about his endeavors, so I just keep the conversations to taking a message for him. I used to talk about some of my disagreements tih my wife, wiht her relatives or friends, but she indicated a sensitivy about my blaber mouth, so I have tried to keep my opinions more secret.

The 180 Degree Divorce Busters is about making changes, to demonstrate an ability to change. I will put the reference here, as it would be a challenge for you to find it some pages back. MB Thread on 180 Degree Divorce Busters It is probably a good list to review once in a while.

Your communications to H might be geared toward helping H find a feeling of control, to build a deeper trust relationship. You could ask him about issues that are coming up, in which he could have input. "I know you want our daughter to have a public shool education, but there are advantages of private schools. What about The AAA School or the XXX school? I have sent for financial aid information from CCC school. What do you think? We have until September to really decide." Just anything to list out upcoming decisions, and his side and your side, and your wilingness to listen and change.

Blessings

Other MB Posters/Readers probably have differing views.

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Hi Whaler

I've started a new post over in Recovery.

Back when my H agreed to work on M I thought "Things can only get better from here".

Why is my head spinning more? I go into more detail in my new post.

Dear M,

Thanks for the update. I guess H will be back any day now. You have tried to make things work. But, you are not in control of everything. Perhaps you can feel some stability in that you have been consistently trying to work on the marriage in a thoughtful manner. By posting advance ideas on many of your moves, you have provided yourself time to think out your moves as you explained them on MB, and given other posters the opportunity to express their ideas and feedback. I think you have tried to be true to yourself, and work on your marriage. I hope you feel good about yourself. I hope you feel you have a logical explanation for your decisions, if you should ever feel the need to explain things to your daughters.

Blessings