While I was at work today (Chiefs vs Raiders), I experienced a deep empty sinking feeling. I hadn't felt this feeling since my exgirlfriend broke up with me during Christmas 1982. I hated it then and I hate it now.<P>It is more problematic for me now than it was then because I have our boys to worry about. I want to shield them from the pain that I see coming. However, I know the very best that I can do is be there for them. I know that was what I needed when itforst happened 17+ years ago. I talked with a mutual friend between exgilrfriend and me tohelp me through that tough period.<P>I talked with that friend yesterday. I let her know that W and I may be getting a divorce because I had had it with the crap. Then W decided we should talk and she told me she wanted a divorce because she has had it. I can understand where she is coming from. I didn't before until I started to feel what she has been feeling. I understood where she was coming from but was unable to feel it. NOW I FEEL IT ALL TO WELL.<P>I haven't given up hope though. This morning when she came home from work at the skating rink she apologized for getting home so late. She should have gotten home about 12:30am rather than 2:00 am. She was being considerate enough of my feelings to say that she is sorry. She told me that the reason she had the affairs was because she was confused. I know that she is still confused because she gives me mixed signals like the apology while during the next moment she will treat me as though I am her worst enemy.<P>I am preparing for the best of the worst case scenarios: the one she agreed to which is to stay married until we can financially afford to get a divorce. I am praying that during that time frame that we will get close again. Because money is freeing up, I plan on doing more with the boys (and her if she will come) because it is meaningful to her and the boys and me as well. I plan on doing more of the family things that I wanted to do when I was a boy.<P>I also plan to fix the things around the house that need fixing. This is anoother one of her complaints. It is difficult to do everything when you have to work your butt off to keep from going into bankruptcy while your better half wants to contiue doing those things that caused you to get near bankruptcy in the first place. <B>This is just me venting. I am partly to blame for this behavior.</B><P>I have a surprise birthday party planned for her on 21 Jan which is her birthday. It is also the day she has her session with her therapist. She doesn't want me to take her or go with her to the therapist. She thinks I will try to use it against her. She feels this way because I gathered all the necessary facts to prove that she was cheating on me. It wasn't that I wanted to use it against her. I just needed the evidence to let her know that what she thought was a secret really wasn't a secret.<P>I have rambled long enough. Please understand that most of this is venting. I would have done this with my pastor since he talked to her today, but the last time I did that he thought I was trying to take advantage of her. I know I am acting irrational now which he thinks so also. I guess it is my last ditch effort to bring some sanity back into my life. JUST VENTING. NEED TO GET THE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD. I can't doing it the way that I usually do it by talkin out aloud as though I were having a conversation with her. Will probably do that tomorrow on the way to work.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P>

Rob,<P>Good...do you feel better now???? Go ahead and dump it all here. It feels great to get rid of all those pent-up things we want to say and can't say because they are LB's.<P>Feel free to get rid of some more if you need to!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree,<BR>I actually do feel better. However, that empty sinking feeling is still there. I hate it.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P>

Rob,<P>Keep praying...it is the ONLY thing that helps!!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Rob -- It sure does feel better when you can get this stuff out. If you don't, it just sits inside you and eats away at you until there is real damage caused.<P>You really seem to be taking the best approach to a difficult situation. I'm pulling for a miracle here....<P>BTW - That was a pretty mild vent. Maybe I should give you lessons, I'm pretty good at venting as you've probably noticed.<P>Take care, my friend.<P>--DeWayne--

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Rob</B>}}}}}}}}}},<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Rob</B>}}}}}}}}}},<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Rob</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>Keep a venting...<P>When your feeling empty...<BR>"visualize" us coming into your heart and "breathing" it full...<P>You're not a "grinch"... but I think we can make your heart grow 2 sizes...<P>Hang tough...<BR>Hang tough...<P><B>We love you</B><P>Jim

Hey Guys,<P>HP is right. Holding in everything is kind of like eating Draino. Sure it cleans you out but your'e left with that hollow feeling inside.<P>What? I'm getting too wierd even for me.

Rob,<P>How well I understand that sinking feeling too . David just left for his apartment and I had tears in my eyes. I didn't want him to go, and this after being so hurt after NY eve. Man, It sucks.<P>Medic, you silly man!!!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Hey Medic, I may have been right, but you sure put it in a more colorful light!!!<P>--DeWayne--

The feeling is still there which is why I want to be with God today. No, I am not suicidal. I just want to be with Him so that I can be held by Him and bask in His glow. I feel His presence all the time. Yet, sometimes I let my feelings get the best of me such as right now. My feelings are causing me to be afraid and thus to have my body react in ways that I know are caused by the stress of not knowing what is going to happen immediately.<P>I want to tell thewhole world that she wants to hang out with the ungodly, but what would be accomplished by that. I know little vindication of my own that amounts to nothing. I know that He will vindicate me and it will have all the meaning for eternity.<P>Right now, I feel used. I feel worse than I did when my exgirlfriend left me because we have more history than I had with her. I go out of my way to show love and receive thier definition of love which is not love at all. Love comes from God and God alone. He showed us love by sending His Son to reconcile us to Him. And if one truly knows and loves Him then one is always willing to seek reconciliation because it is a key part of having a true relationship with Him.<P>The pain is so great. I still am content because He is there. <P>Have a wonderful Monday in spite of my downer post.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited January 03, 2000).]