Haven't been here to read or post in a couple weeks. All He** broke lose during the holidays. Not between h and I but family members. <P>Family members are in a fight because he moved out of the home and has been gone four months now. He is still here all the time, just doesn't sleep here. See profile for details, I'll update.<P>Anyways, h said he would move home the week after Christmas but instead totally cleaned our garage and the boys bedroom. Said it was too cluttered. Said he needed to do that before he could move things home. Well, the week was over yesterday and I still hadn't seen any evidence that he was moving home so I asked him Sunday afternoon what was going on. He said that he had a three day weekend this weekend and would start moving things then. <P>I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I'm tired of listening to family members tell me I'm being too patient with him. They get upset because they are worried about me and the kids but I get the brunt of it not him. Everyone says I have the patience of a saint and I keep thinking back to the Harley materials. This isn't going to be easy, baby steps, plan a, a five year affair with a coworker is not going to be easy to get over, it takes 1-2 years for the affair to die after discovery, one step forward five steps back, meeting emotional needs etc......<P>Sometimes I feel like I am the booby prize. He knows deep down that he wants his family ie kids, but is in love with her. Loves me, but not in that way. I feel like he is being pressured to come home and as much as I want him here I am scared to death. I feel like I will have to walk on eggshells forever, like he is here only because he knows he will lose us and all immediate family if he doesn't come home. <P>I guess I just want him to say; "Mom, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want us to be a family, that is why I am coming home"<P>Sorry I had to vent. Been a long time since I vented on MB and I guess I needed to as noone I am around is realllly supporting me in the marriage builders way. They want me to make a decision and that decision would be to give him an ultimatum; come home or divorce. Well, I want to make this work for me, him and our children so divorce is not an option. <P>Any opinions?

If you feel divorce is NOT an option then tell every one, I told my friends (and mother) who were saying (this summer when every thing fell apart) "take him for every thing go pawn his stuff and get on a plane if he don’t come home" you feel what you do for a reason and it is right if it comes from the heart. You listen to what you want and every thing will come together. <BR>take care and God Bless<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday<P>

HiYa Hoping,<BR>Yeah, I know about feeling like a booby prize. The great thing is that you won't feel like that forever. I'm really encouraged that he is now at least at a point that he talks of coming home. He wasn't always there.......If you can continue to keep yourself grounded (and it sounds as if you are doing a fine job), remembering that it will take some time for those feelings within him for her to diminish and those for you to grow....well then....you might just find yourself seeing the fruits of your labor and patience.<P>Even after my husband finally said those words of wanting us to be ok, it hasn't easily happened. We get caught off gaurd with so many feelings about situations that occurred while he was sooo emotionally separated from me and our family.<P>In sum, I whole-heartedly agree with Harley's methods but I think the one thing that has been difficult for us is that while away from each other in spirit, each of you build different habits. Mine were around treating him better, eliminating LB's and all the other stuff that's here on the site. Unfortunately, the habits he built while we were in plan A centered around developing secretive skills, lying thru the teeth, being evasive and vague, getting away with telling me anything and knowing I would buy into it to save the marriage. Watered down versions of THESE HABITS HAVE BEEN DIFFICULT TO ELIMINATE.<P>So...when he says he's coming home and doesn't do it....I guess i wonder if there's a way that you can help him slowly begin following thru with his words of commitment ? I've tried to only address things as they come up. example - he stays out late and doesn't call....when he comes home we address it then or in the morning. I try not to accuse but rather address it as what any normal couple (there are some out there) might have as rules. (when to call, how often, what's considered late, what actions are considered going out...rather than a simple drink with the guys ) I'm not always successful...I still get annoyed, hurt or whatever and he still gets defensive thinking I'm acting like big brother so we work it thru. <P>Usually that process takes about 2-3 days. The good news is that we're not often going back to the same ole issues and the behavior is corrected. <P>Honestly though, it's either really hard work or were doing GREAT. We still have issues though and the two that are most serious are his relationships with females that I don't know and aren't just work/lunch fellow employees and the issue of how to resolve conflict without eliminating affection between us. I think we now have the affection one beat but the female thing still needs work. I'm now really gun shy and he feels he now knows himself enought to make the right choices. I believe him but don't want him tempted. <P>anyway...way too much typing on my part....I hope some of it makes some sense....<P>ps. did ya ever get my emails'? I sent several but never heard back ?? I might have caught ya when ya didn't want to yack so I'll honor that but the door is open. smile, smile <P>You are doing great, I give ya alot of credit...it's hard to work on a marriage when the spouse doesn't live in the same home !<P>-Tina

Hoping,<BR>Was wondering about you. Remember you are not booby prize! You are first prize and more and I am certain your perserverance and patience will eventually be rewarded.<P>I am struggling with the same things you are. My H as you know gave me his apt. keys but still has the place (lease til spring) and still keeps stuff there and gets mail there. But he spends all his nights with us though he is living out of suitcases. This compounded by the fact that he has been lying about OW contact makes it all so hard to take sometimes.<P>Still, I will hang in there. I am seeing how hard it is to keep perservering once we feel we have "won out" over OW (even if not for the reasons we would wish for). I am so ready for the burden to shift just a little bit, or at least to share with him the work of rebuilding. Yet I sometimes have to force myself to realize that he is working-just with different issues since he still needs to get through withdrawal.<P>You are a winner Hoping, no matter what your H eventually does. And even with all his continued waffling, he does seem closer than ever to coming home. Vent here whenever you need to...<P>starpony

Hi Hoping, good to hear from you.<P>A thought that sometimes helps me with thinking about the OW is that my H never had a relationship only with her--I was always here for him to come to, and in the 8-9 months he was out of the house, there were very few days that I either did not see him or that he didn't at least call. She couldn't even meet his needs well enough for him to do without me for long at any point.<P>Of course now that we're settled back into domesticity--he longs for her. I find I'm longing for something myself. So, if your H does come home, and I think he will (he's so like my H), the easy return to the patterns that didn't work await you.<P>This morning I realized I'm as lonely, maybe lonlier, with him living in the house than I was in our last separation when I was working on building my life.<P>It seems like the pitfalls never end. But Tina and Kat are back posting and they say it does get better. OKay....<P>Take heart, you aren't alone.<P>This is just a thought (probably an ornery one, given my current emotional state), could you tell him you aren't comfortable with his indecision about moving home and he should wait to move home? He IS playing a mind/control game on you. I made my H wait a week to move home, I wish I had waited a month, but it was the holidays and all. He was SO SURE he wanted to come home and did a million things to convince me...but the waffling began within a week of coming home. And I no longer have ANY patience with the waffling. Many times I don't even talk to him when he starts talking that way, because what I say makes him feel worse. (I love you, I want the marriage to work--it isn't like I'm berating him)<P>Sorry this is so long, I just know that our H's are so much alike and have both been in and out of the house and you understand the frustration.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

This is something I have to keep telling myself, "he wouldn't come home if he didn't want to". No amount of family pressure, pressure from the OW, pressure from your kids, finances, can influence him if he has his mind up. My ex-H kept threatening to move down to the OW. His family threatened disowning him, never seeing his kids, loss of job, etc. Nothing would dissuade him. Until he made his mind up to stay, nothing was for sure. Now, even though we're divorced, he keeps staying around-even when I don't want him to

Tina, Lor, Star Pony and Kate31,<P>Thanks for your advice. I needed to hear your replies.<P>I just get so discouraged. I feel like this is all my fault. I left a message for the counselor we saw last year. I think I need to see her again. I mean I should be happy he's coming home not depressed right?