I have been in Plan B for 3.5 mos and it seems to be getting harder. I haven't really had any contact with H except for phone msg's. I feel I am getting mixed msg's from him or I keep looking for that silver lining. I suspect the OW is still in the picture. <P>H filed for divorce 2 weeks after rec'g my plan b letter but hasn't done anything else since then. I sometimes feel that if he truly wanted a divorce, he would be pushing for it and he hasn't. Also, his mother keeps telling me how depressed and unhappy he is lately and he's been seeking out a therapist. These all seem like good signs to me.<P>Tonight he picked up our boys for his weekly visit. It is also the first time he has taken our 4.5 mos old. I was in tears as they drove off. I feel like I am handing my family over to the OW without a fight. I had really mixed emotions about H taking baby, but I know it's the right decision. I want my son to know his father and vice versa. There are more pluses than minuses with H having both kids with him and OW. The only minus is HER, but it's a big one.<P>Anyway, when H drops off the kids later, should I tell him that I love him and don't want this divorce? I have professed my love to him so many times over the past 9 mos that I feel he should know how much I love him. On the other hand, sometimes I think he's not so sure if I really love him because since he's filed for divorce, I haven't said a word--no begging or pleading.<P>I'm having a really hard time dealing lately because last week was H's birthday and tomorrow will be the 10 year anniversary that he proposed to me(I wonder if he'll remember the date). This on top of what I feel are mixed messages. <P>Any input out there? Should I tell him again how much I love him?<P>Thanks!!!<BR>

My only advice to you is to do what you feel in your heart. I still tell my H that I love him (because I do). He doesn't say it back, but at least he knows it from me. Try to be strong. I will be thinking of you.<P>------------------<BR>A.K.A.<BR>PondVJ

Hi, This must be very difficult for you. I could suggest that your husband visit your child(ren) by himself. That is, not with the OP their. If your baby is that young, the child needs to bond with his/her parents. I don't think your husband should object to this. Perhaps, until things are sorted out.<P>He may have responded with filing the papers, because he felt helpless. maybe, he fills like he's in control now. I say stand tall, be tough to him. He may not think your not serious. Tell him, you love him. But, tell him what you need. I have read that men can feel left out, when you start a family. perhaps it's time for him to grow up.<P>Hang in there!

I say do what you feel is best. That sounds like you need to stay strong, but do tell him that you still love him and that you still want the marriage. He may have lost sight of that. What is the worst that can happen?

Viki, CarolG & dgh:<P>Thanks so much for your responses. Yes, I do think H felt he was regaining control of the situation by filing for divorce.<P>I finally spoke with him this am and it has been the most we have talked in 4 mos. I told him that I still love him and always have and I miss him and want him back home. He doesn't think our marriage could work because there is no trust between us. He said that I am easy to trust but that he wouldn't trust him if he was me. I told him that if he wants to be trusted, he just has to open himself up to me and keep no secrets. It will be a long road, but much easier to regain trust if he's open & honest. I think he's scared and I DO understand his apprehension--he's done some really lousy things to me in the past 10 mos.<P>Well, he seemed to be listening to me. I just hope he really thinks about what I said and can give us the chance to make our marriage wonderful.

Dear Jackie, <P>I am happy that husband was receptive. How do you feel? <P>When you went to plan B, I must've missed something. Did you write him a letter? Did you just kick him out and tell him not to contact you? Did you tell him why you went to plan B?<P>You have very very good insight for us. I am just curious. Maybe, if he can't come home right now, then ask him if you guys could stall the divorce? At least for a while? <P>I am glad you have a MIL who supports your situation.<BR>

Trustntruth:<P>I sent him the Plan B letter and I also sent OW letter as stated in "Surviving an Affair". He filed for divorce 2 weeks later. I explained in the letter that it was too painful for me to continue contact with him as long as he was involved with OW. I also repeated to him yesterday why I decided to have no contact with him. He wanted to know why now have I decided to speak with him and I told him it was to tell him how I feel about him and our marriage in case he has forgotten.<P>I never kicked H out of the house. When I discovered his affair 11/98, I confronted him and he left the house that night; he hasn't been back since. He tried to get me to sign a seperation agreement so that it would negate "abandonment" if I decided to file, but I refused. I told him that is exactly what he did--he abandoned me 3 mos pregnant and our 2 year old. I have told him all along that I want him to move back home and start rebuilding our marriage. No luck so far.

Jackie,<P>Thanks for the reply. How did he respond to wanting to stall the divorce? Did he indicate anything about the status of the affair?<P>You've probably memorized in your mind every bit and piece of that conversation with H.<P>Now - you need to put it aside, and continue with your plan B, and working on you.<P>Do you have the clothes and things you need for the baby?<BR>

trustntruth:<P>No, I never told H that I want to stall divorce. I'm afraid that he would try to push it through if he knew. When I spoke to him the other day, he still says that he's alone and he likes being alone--still denying it. <P>I do have enough clothes and things for the baby. He has never held out on money to me. As a matter of fact, I just started going back to college and he's paying for it. That is how our conversation started the other day. H said "I guess I have no say in whether you go back to school or not"? I told him that I wanted to go; that I have to support these children. He said he thought that was his job, but he never said he wouldn't pay for it.

From the way it sounds he still has one foot in the door. I'm not convinced that he wants to leave. I think he is very confused and messed up. Keep standing tall. Take care of yourself and your children. I think you moving on with your life, and making plans to go on without him, is giving him a taste of reality. Be stong.<P>------------------<BR>A.K.A.<BR>PondVJ

viki, thanks a lot. I keep hoping that it's the truth. I don't think he thought I would be (or appear to be) as strong as I seem. If he only knew that he still consumes me so much even after these past 10 mos. <P>I'm really confused about the Plan B. As of right now, I put it on hold per Steve Harley. I still have to speak with Steve to see if I should continue the break from it. I feel that if I go back to Plan B full force again--he'll really give up and pursue this divorce with gusto. So right now, I am trying to be nice as I can without making him too suspicious. He called me today to see if his tenant in his rental house had sent in the rent check--I told him he didn't but I hadn't picked up the mail today yet. Now I'm not so sure if I should be doing this. Is that considered meeting his needs?