I saw her and the kids last evening for the first time since the holidays. I don't know if mentioned before a major mistake I made over Christmas.<P>I managed to get into the house where she is staying and pryed through her things. The Holy Spirit convicted me that it was that very lying and deceitfulness that has created this problem to begin with. I confessed to her on Christmas day. Her initial reaction wasn't too bad, she was glad that I confessed it to her, but I got the real reaction last night, she rightfully felt betrayed and she can't even think about reconciliation right now. If my affair was disclosed at this point I think I could live in plan a just fine, but I still need to tell her about the afair and she's shutting down. I gave her a book last night, The Addictive Personality, by Craig Nakken and asked her to read it because it would explain a lot of what's been going on. She was very indifferent to reading it all. I just read Dr H's column about why women leave men, <BR>"Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over."<P>I'm so affraid that she is giving up the effort and that now by telling her that would only cause her to completly give up.<P>Are there any success stories out there, where the betrayed had given up, particularly woman and yet still managed to pull out and reconcile?<P>

I don't really have much to say but wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Keep up the good work.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

I just want to say that honesty NOW is going to be better in the long run. You made a mistake, but don't compound it by deceiving her. You may be afraid that you will lose her, but if you work on building her trust back now and THEN you tell her about the afair you will lose her for sure. Don't rely on any more books to tell her what YOU need to tell her. Get this thing out in the open before it is too late.<P>God Bless and good luck!!<BR>Peter

If you're the one with the sexual addiction (to porn, it says in your profile) why were you snooping on your W? Do you have reason to suspect that she's having an affair now that you're separated?<P>I sympathize with your situation and being separated from your W and kids. Is her reason for leaving your addiction to porn and that's all? I don't really consider porn equivalent to having an affair, but I guess some people (esp. wives) do.<P>Sorry, I don't have a success story for you. Except to say that my W is the betrayer in our case and we're still together, amazingly. We've had lots of fights over all kinds of things, but still managed to bring in the New Millenium by making love after the party and then again in the morning. Unbelievable.<P>Also realize that you may not be the only one at fault here. Keep in mind that, in a problematic marriage (that is, MOST marriages) BOTH partners share responsibility for what goes wrong. Don't wimp out! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Repent,<BR>You need to sit her down and talk to her NOW!!!!!!! I can not express how soon you need to tell her. you know that I am a rookie at MB. But the one thing that I have learned from you guys is HONESTY is the best policy. I knew that my H was going to kill me when i told him about the OM. I just told God "This is gonna make or break my marriage God, it is up to you" He knows what is in store for you. YOU HAVE GOT TO TELL HER!! You are gonna keep hanging on and then build her trust up and bust it all over again. You just need to call her and tell her you want to talk. I told H since he was always my bestfriend then he was the person that I needed to tell. Not to mention teh fact that he was my H. Ill be praying for you! I hope I log on tommotrow with an update with her reaction when you told her. If you want it to work repent, then you must tell her. The OM that I had will never tell his W about the affair that we had. And I know that is going to destroy his marriage. Because no matter what anybody says these affairs affect us emoitionally. GET IT OUT ON THE TABLE! I promise you will be glad that u did!<BR>GOd Bless!!!

Repenting,<P>You know something? I can relate! In the past I have gone through my H's things (before we were married) - mainly a box of letters he received around oh, ten years earlier from ex girlfriends, etc. I felt just like old Pandora must have! I had to see it and it killed me. I ripped some of them up. I threw old necklaces and stuff away! I was like a whirlwind! And here, these womens' writings were no more than spidery ghosts of cobwebs compared to the love he had for me. I feel such shame now! But not so much that I can't look back and laugh a little. <P>Now, of course I understand that what you did is somewhat different. I'm still trying to understand why you did this. Are you? I think it's important. <P>As for the addiction book, maybe instead of thrusting 300 pages on your wife and saying, "here, read and decipher," you might want to take that book, highlight the most pertinent parts and even write notes in the margins. Otherwise she may browse through, not seeing the passages you really wanted her to see, not knowing your thoughts on the matter. <P>I suppose I am not equipped with an appropriate success story for your queiry, but I can say she may need her space after the ransacking, along with a good, honest explination. PS part of YOU knew that the nebbing was wrong and stopped you from doing it - I say this because it's important to take responsibility for the things you do - good and bad. You were strong enough to stop that day, with extra help. <P>Khyra

Thanks all, good points and questions. First, why did I go snooping. My fear of abandonment, I believe, I wanted to see anything that would tell me her thoughts about us... about anything really. I know this was wrong. I took the inlaws dog to them Monday night. The inlaws were not home, so I did get a chance to have dinner with W and the kids. I thought her reaction to my violation of her space was a bit mild when I confessed it to, I got the wrath Mon night, deserved and I again apologized and assured her it wouldn't happen again.<P>Tell her now... she is completely resistant to setting a meeting with me. She sees the counselor for the first time since the holiday break Thur. I tried to schedule a time with her this morning, but she was completely unaccomodating.<P>I've decided to let go of it for now. I've given her enough hints that there is more to come out. By the way, I think she does look at porn as an affair, but she's found other things that would raise her suspicions.<P>I've got a letter prepared for the occasion and thought I would either tell her or write a similar letter, without the disclosure and just let her know that when she wants to know what I've done, just ask.<P>Khyra - nice idea about highlighting particular points. Interesting enough, I honestly looked for another copy and at the time there wasn't any in town. So I gave her my copy, with sections highlighted and I told her that the highlights are about me,not my trying to influence her reading.<P>A new strength I found recently, Mon and today. I saw her Mon night, before it would take me all week to recover, but now just 24 hours.<P>I suddenly realized, without affecting my vision, that she just may not be able or willing to face the issues ahead, hers and mine. and I thought "you know, if she does give up, it's her loss, because I'm a terrific guy" Not meaning to be smug you understand but I have a lot to offer the right woman, and I hope it's her.<P>I read on another post a comment that was made by Steve H., he said;v we, the committed on need to be more appealing than someone else. I believe I can feel that way, I've grown so much over the last 2 months. <P>Pain used to a real issue for me, I'd avoid it every chance I got. I know understand that that was what I used the pornography to soothe my pain or avoid it.<P>One thing I've learned is that, (did I say this already, sorry for being redundant if I did. That right after the most significant pain is, without fail for me so, the most significant grace. I feel alone in the pain but after the pais starts to subside, I feel God's presence so much.<P>Take care all, I'll let you know if something changes, I'm planning on carrying the letter with me just in case the mood strikes her.<P>Have a good finish on the week<P>Dan<P>------------------<BR>Hold on, Hold on to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell. Sarah McLauchlin<P>Col 1:14<BR>