Now that I have past the one year date of discovery and have what I would define as a marriage in the later stages of recovery, I am labeling myself as a survivor. I feel a little bit like a football player, bloodied by the battle, but basking in the victory despite the aches and pains.<P>Above all I thank God who I always "knew" was the One to place my trust, but acted "as if" my marriage was immune to infidelity. I know that every marriage can be vunerable and we can not put unwavering faith and blind trust in any human.<P>My greatest life lesson I learned is that I can not control another person's thoughts, words and actions. I can only control or at least manage my own. Obvious, really, but really really BIG when you finally take ownership of this idea that you can not control the outcome of your situation, but you are fully accountable for your own input.<BR>Big. I will take this with me in all areas of life.<P>I can however INFUENCE with my words and actions. Therefore, once you determine your personal goals. Make sure all your words and actions are congruent. Plan A can influence and when you scrutinize yourself, it is amazing to see all the mixed signals you send. <P>Don't buy into that both of you have to equally work on your relationship to see results. Although that would be a bonus, I can honestly say all my H did was end the relationship and was horrified by his own behavior. He, the clueless kind of guy he is, was not really capable of the deep emotional overhaul that I did. But he was influenced by it and I he has surprised me in his own growth. <P>Another important lesson is what I interpret or assume or even believe is not necessarily correct. The situation can get even worse if act "as if" my false assumption is true. <P>It is always a good idea to dwell at your partners good characteristics and not pick apart their weaknesses. I am a great believer a persons weaknesses are a flip side of their strengths anyway. For example...I am easy going and flexible...I am disorganized and often unfocused. Can you expect me to improve my organizational skills...sure if I want to...but can you expect me to be the Queen of organization? Probibly not. So the best thing those around me can do when I do something ditzy is to hold me accountable for it, but think to themselves "That FHL, well this is a small price to pay for how she can rearrange her schedule without complaint on a moment's notice." In other words, dwell on the strengths, minimize the weaknesses.<P>And don't expect the other spouse to eliminate your personal pain. It can't be done. When two people want to recover and rebuild I believe the betrayer is responsible for ending and staying out of the affair. I think they need to want recovery and work on anything that makes them vunerable to affairs and anything they think was missing in their relationship with their spouse or change their thinking on it. I don't think they can rely on their spouse to "fix it" since I think affairs are usually more about the betrayer than the betrayed.<P>I believe the betrayed's job is to work toward forgiveness, to work toward healing and to work toward making the relationship safe for both the betrayer and the betrayed. A betrayed can not expect the betrayer to take away their pain. Although both can work on their relationship, I think most of the healing is an individual journey of growth and acceptance.<P>I now see pain as a given in this journey, but something that does eventually taper off and in my case end almost abruptly for no apparent reason. At the beginning of Novemeber I would have not have believed that I could think of the affair like a sad past event rather than it reliving it like I discovered it yesterday. Yet it happened for me. Am I pain free. No, but I do believe it will keep getting better.<P>Do I trust? Yes, although my H no longer goes to the bar with a friend...mutual decision. Of course there are 101 ways to start an affair and I am not threatened by his past relationship nor do I actively fear another one.<P>I can trust, but ultimately I know I can not control whether or not my H is trustworthy.<P>I can look at each day as an opportunity to grow together rather than apart, to assume little, but take nothing for granted.<P>I am a survivor.<P> <P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

P.S.<P>It is with great humility that I celebrate what I have achieved.<P>I did not have to deal with what many of those of you who have inspired me have had to deal with. Many of you have been true inspiration to me and literally saved my sanity before I even began to post myself.<P>I will always be grateful for all of you and continue to pray for all of our healing.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL, way to go, girl! I think this partly answers the question I just put to you on my thread, but if you have anything more specific on the trust issue, please send me some words of wisdom. I don't want to beat my h up with my pain, but I keep thinking there must be something he can do directly to help me through this. Maybe I do have to deal with it by myself.

FHL,<P>I couldn't agree with what you said more.<P>AMEN!<P>Being in my third year of recovery the only difference I can find is that it took me alot longer to learn the lesson on pain! I kept taking a dirty shovel to the wounds and kept them open and festering.<P>Your spouse definately cannot deliver you from the pain, that takes a miracle and your ability to put your trust in the "Miracleworker". It took me a looooong time to see that.<P><BR>God bless, Taj

FHL - you said it all. Good for you!<P>Lori

FHL, I can't agree more, with the others. You've said it all and very well. Trust is so hard to regain, but what I recently found out in couseling with our pastor is that I am not letting myself trust my H, and this is something I have to do since he has asked me to forgive him. By not trusting him, I am in effect "punishing" H for what he did. I must trust my husband until he proves otherwise. Thanks for your wonderful post!

FHL: Excellent post! You said it all!

Thanks all of you. I know I'm one of the lucky ones that got a chance to turn my marriage around.<P>I take no credit for my success, and my efforts pale in comparison to some of my friends here.<P>I do hope I can be an encouragement as a success story. <P>And I would like others to know the pain finally does get better. I know it is hard to believe, but it does happen.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<BR>I too, share the lucky feeling that I was given the opportunity to "right" a situation that I helped make bad.<P>My discovery was last January and I'm so amazed at our present situation.<P>Success for me/us hasn't been a finish line. It's been little stones leading across a river to a solid enbankment. Every time I navigate another stone...I feel stonger for the next step.<P>Your words "Don't buy into that both of you have to equally work on your relationship to see results."<P>All along, I believed that if I could get enough momentum...he'd join on....what I didn't count on was how resilient I would become (TXS MB, family and friends, of course Harley and Paxcil) and how much the good in me would show and I'd simply wear him out. Again, a lucky lady to be with a really good guy !<P>Something you said struck a chord with a recurring thought I've had...excitement for a future together. The opportunity to build a life together, not just co-exist or be.<P>Just as you though, I "humbly" celebrate our renewed opportunity for LIFE.<P>-Tina<P> <P><BR>

Tina, I read so many of your posts before I was in any shape to post myself. Thank you for replying.<P>Your right, I'm not done in my recovery. I will not settle for the status quo again. I am going to continue internal growth and work toward continued growth in the emotional itimacy of our marriage.<P>I don't mind taking the emotional lead. It is really somewhat empowering, it works and it leaves my H to work in more practical areas of our life. It is need to see how much I have influenced him. Didn't know I could do that to the extent I have.<P>I wish you the best!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<BR>What I have learned from you is true sensitivity! I thank you for all of your wise posts. My h and I are 6 months into recovery and things are starting to look brighter. I have fewer pity party days. I too have realized that my h cannot meet all of my needs. I must take care to develop myself as a person, not look to him to do that for me. Also, I cannot determine his decisions, but I can influence them by how I act and respond. I am responsible for my own actions and input into our marriage. The one thing that has truely carried me through this whole time is my faith in Jesus Christ. Before this happened, I did not know what it was to totally rely upon the Lord. Now I do. I was given the strength and courage to respond to this situation with patience. If I had listened to the world viewpoint, or taken advice from non-Christian friends, I have no doubt I would have ended my marriage. The decision to work on our marriage has not at all times been easy. At times it would have been much easier to end the whole thing. Once I got past feeling like I "did not deserve this" and focussed on getting through it, everything fell into place. I needed to change the focus from poor me to poor us -- where do "we" go from here and what is "my" responsibility. My h too has not been active in rebuilding other than to stop contact with ow. You can make many changes in your relationship by just changing yourself. No it is not fair that you are the one that has to make changes, but that is life. Get over it and get to work Those of you that want to give up, keep going one day at a time. The pain does fade.

FHL<BR>Thankyou! <BR>Your words are always wise and you have always been such a calming influence for me.<BR>This one is printed up and added to my "things to remember".

Thank you fhl!!!

FHL,<P>Although I have an absentee H, I am personally in recovery, so I truly appreciate you taking the time to write this out for us all. This is an inspiration. There are many tenets here for us all to embrace, no matter how our situations end in the long run.<P>God bless your continued recovery....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Derby...I'm so glad you are sounding so strong after just six months. I could have written much of your post myself. My faith also has gotten me through. I also had a hard time accepting that he would do such a thing and it kept me stuck in figuring out the affair, which didn't have as much meaning as I was looking for. Once I concentrated on what I could do, I made progress. In our cases it was worth the effort and the emotional lead.<P>ws...your welcome. I hope these last things are dealing with are truly the last things. <P>cl...how's the dive plans?<P>Roll Me Away...you're right. These are life lessons and can be applied to areas other than marriage. Too bad we have to go through such hardship to drum them into our heads. I hope your situation turns out however is best for you.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thank you, FHL and Derby for the encouragement. I needed to read your posts today. My H and I have been in recovery for about 5 months. It gets very hard some days. I know I need to trust God to deliver us, but I do get hung up in anger and stubborness. I am very proud of Derby for realizing and accepting what she needs to do so quickly. I guess I know also, but am choosing to fester for awhile. I know not very healthy.<BR>I think part of the problem is that I do not think the pain will ever go away, and even if it does; the relationship will not be whole, anyways.<BR>I know I need to let go and let God heal me, for my sake, for my H, and most importantly for our baby.<P>Thanks again for all your encouragement. I really need to see people who have recovered/are recovering for inspiration.

WAY TO GO FHL!!! <P>You are a perfect example that this can work if you let it. You took a horrible situation and came out on top and with a better you. I am so very proud of you.

Hi FHL -<P>I'm with WS.....this one is to be printed and referenced often!!!<P>THANK YOU for sharing wth example and lessons....I certainly need to know this!!!<P>You are the best and May God Bless You and Yours....<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Rosebud....all the best in your recovery. It will happen.<P>Viki...thank you. It is a battle of wills sometimes and it is mostly internal.<P>Sheba...you're the teacher, I'm the student. I only wish I could have your attitude.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13