Open can of worms here...<P>A couple of us had been talking about other sex friendships (See "Other sex friendships" thread on the current board) and their effects on a marriage when the subject touched into a new area:<P>Have you ever been accused of having an affair when you weren't having one? What do you suppose gave the impression to your spouse that you were engaged in one?<P>Have you ever accused your spouse of having an affair? What evidence did you have? Were you absolutely positive it was an affair? Did you later discover that you were wrong and no affair took place?<P>At what point do "friendships" become emotional affairs?<P>Perhaps these are the questions of mulitple threads, but they so effect each other, I thought it might be an interesting topic.<BR>And, a revealing one for the "other side" <BR>(i.e. "accusers" seeing from the "accused" side and vice versa)<P>Chin up!<P>--keystone

Wasn't an accusation as such, but I did question her twice. Once 18 years ago and once 10 years ago. Denied anything happened. Believed it.<P>OOPS! I was right on both counts.<p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited January 13, 2000).]

I was questioned/accused a few months prior to the supposed start of my wife's affair and during the affair. I don't know if it was her guilt working on her because of her thoughts and behavior or if it was a deliberate and conscious act to put me on the defensive. From the reading I have done, it seems that this is quite common. The betrayer accuses the betrayed of their own behavior. They betrayer may even push and encourage the betrayed into starting relationships with others to even things out a little in their own minds. Looking back, that was one of the signs that I should have picked up on that she was being unfaithful. Combine that with her picking fights and then blaming me, her working late and not having time for me and the kids, unexplained gaps in her day, her secretive behavior around the computer, etc., I should have known.<P>

I did speak to my h about this a few times during the 21 yr marriage. Same as Chris, I was right but chose to believe the lies he told at that time. <BR>I think listening to the gut is a good idea!!<BR>As for opposite sex friendships, I would have a major issue if my h developed one at this point. He has no issue with my male friends, and no reason not to trust me. He leaves for months at a time, and has always been able to feel secure that I would remain faithful, and I have. I am always careful of how it might appear to him-would never want to cause him any distress at all. I have offered to end any friendhisp he feels uncomfortable about, and on a couple occasions I found he did not want me to play raquetball with a few males. No problem at all-his feelings come first!!! I did meet one of the male members from this board. He is a doll, and I will see him again, without any fears of anything going on. I think both of us are well aware that things like this have happened, and it reinforces the need to keep some distance! If my h wanted to go, I would have nop problem taking him along.

Thanks for the posts --<P>In my own case, I was absolutely, positively certain that my W was having an affair. Too many "funny things" -- the e-mails, the phone calls, arriving early from work only to find the OM (and, as my W points out -- his kids) "just leaving" from a day at the pool, movies together, even a Vegas trip! I could go on, but... I finally snapped and confronted the OM. Talk about major LB!<P>I had tried to talk to my W about this growing relationship with OM for nearly two years prior to this confrontation, pointing out that I though this other sex friendship had developed into something more. She never really took it seriously, though I'll admit she did roll back on some of the contact.<P>Now, the doubts. My W insists it was a friendship. Nothing more, nothing less. Tells me that they was/is nothing physical. <BR>But, admits that her friends -- including this one -- fills those emotional needs that I failed to fill these last years.<P>She doesn't get the concept of an EA. I've tried to explain, suggested that she read Harley's book, etc. She doesn't see it as a breach in the marriage! If anything, alot of her resentment and anger is now based around how I destroyed her "friendships", rather than work on our marriage.<P>It's so wierd, since I was dead certain an affair was going on. I'm starting to have my doubts, since I'm trying so hard to trust my W and have her trust me. "Falsely Accused" had some great insights on what it's like to be falsely accused of having an affair. Lots of similarities to my marriage. <P>Yes, I could trust my "gut", but it was my "gut" that failed to alert me that I had failed in meeting my side's obligation in the marriage. My "gut" doesn't warrant much trust these days.<P>I'm just wondering if I made a major blunder, and should have cleaned up things "in my house" before looking elsewhere...<P>--keystone <P>

My H never accused me...but the gossip at a previous employer of mine was that the boss and I were an item. Not. No not even a little. OK...he would have. But he would have with anything that walked. He was gorgeous, and he did "value" me, but I can honestly say I was not tempted for a minute. And in his defense, he never did or said anything inappropriate.<P>Before H's affair I would joke that if H caught me in bed with some guy he would assume I was taking a nap. He is so unjealous, you would have to slap in in the face with infidelity.<P>However, I do not joke about infidelity anymore.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I have been accused of having a physical affair. I am not and have not! <P>I think one of the big reasons I was accused is because of the fact that our sexual relationship has gone to the point of nonexistence for the past year and a half. The other reason I know of for a fact is the weight that I have lost and the fact that I have been taking better care of myself. <P>As for the friendships becoming EA'S, well in my situation because of my H never being home(works 80+ or - hours a week) I need adult conversation. I have a lot of email freinds thats how I keep in contact with the adult world. I think it becomes an EA when the talking or emailing becomes more of a sexual thing. Not so much as when you talk about your kids or relationship. I know for me being I'm alone a lot its nice to have friends who can relate to my situation.

FA --<P>Do you find that you talk about your relationship with your H to these "other sex friends"? Do you talk about things that previously you would have considered private and confidential? Would you feel comfortable if your H talked to an other sex friend (or secretary or assistant or...) about these same private issues that you talk to your friend about?<P>Just a thought...<P>My W has also stated the same regarding "adult conversation". Yes, I too work 12 - 14 hours per day. Yes, my two kids take alot of time, so my W is craving adult interaction. I've also noticed that my W is dressing a nicer when she gets together with these friends -- but just the same 'ol if she and I were to go out. It does make me wonder...<P>You've given me alot of insights into what I believe my W is thinking since the situations are so similar. I'm trully curious.<P>--keystone

I'll jump in on this one, because I'm the offending party - I've been accusing my H of an affair he still denies. I posted my story to a couple of different sites when I was in the stage of wondering what was going on. Almost everyone answered if you suspect, then go with your instincts. Fact was I had suspicions, - there were lots of signs, working everyday, weight loss, being distant, avoiding me in the evenings, lack of sex, etc. The answers I got from my posts sent me into a panic mode and a depression. Everywhere I was being told I NEEDED proof. But I had no proof - and believe me, I checked - everywhere and everything - I was obsessed. No odd receipts, no phonecalls, no late nights, no discrepencies with payslips, no drinking or going out with he boys. I did find a hidden stash of money and I monitored it. Before Xmas he disappeared one Saturday for the entire day and so did the money. I was going crazy. That night I sneaked down to check his car and found the trunk loaded with gifts. I have never felt like such a slug. I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole, losing my self-respect and dignity along with my marriage. <P>When I finally got the nerve to ask him, he wasn't defensive. He said he thought maybe I was having the affair, given my behaviour. I believed him. We agreed to spice up our relationship, and immediately things changed. The romance was back in our marriage, and we were really talking again. Ok, things are great, right? Well …. Not when you're like a dog with a bone. On the one hand, I rationalized if there really was an affair, would he have switched off her and on me overnight? There were other signs that perhaps he wasn't getting tons of sex outside - we won't go into the details. But I kept going back to the issue, , trying to clear up all my doubts - why didn't I ask this question, that answer doesn't make sense, etc. Eventually he got defensive and I finally shut up. I deliberately put it out of my mind. <P>Shortly after we resumed our sexlife, I began having "plumbing problems". I went to the doctor, at my H's urging. (there are things in my medical history that give cause for concern in this area). The doctor asks whether there is a chance of a STD. Well, that's enough to start the ball rolling again! Back I go - beat that horse! Who cares if his legs are flailing in the air! H says there's no way, impossible, if it is positive he'll sign over the house, the cars, the bank account, everything. Anyhow we wait for the results - me scared to death, him madder 'n hell. The doctor says he doesn't want to give the results over the phone - can I come in? You guessed it - one last whip, bullet between the eyes. To his credit, H calls before & after Dr's appt to reassure me. Tests were clear, hormones whacko, Dr wants to refer me to specialist. Now I get to creep home with my tail between my legs. <P>H is still hurt and asks why didn't I believe him? Says he would never jeopardize my health, woulda used a condom (he's a sick man, my H). One of those new ones that … he nursed his shoulder the rest of the day.<P>So folks, there it is. I swear I've been in living hell. Everything I've done is so completely unlike me its hard to imagine that I was the one living it. I'm just starting to feel like I'm not drowning. Hope it gets better.<P>(Zipping up my flame-retardant suit now).<P><BR>M.<P>

Hey Keystone,<P>Boy I feel like I'm still catching up here after 4 days off(see your other sex friends post and you'll understand!) <P>As far as my "other sex friends" and talking about my relationship, my freind of 27 years yes I do. The two of us have been through H*ll and back since we were little. His wife probably knows more than him at this point but I know hes there to listen just like I listened to him at some very low points in his life. <P>As far as the OM is concerned, no I don't talk to him that much about our relationship. He knows there are problems I don't think I have mentioned to him the full extent of the problems. He has on occasion asked me how things were going and I said there going and left it at that. He does probably know more about what is going on with my older D than my H does and I know thats not good but he also is more apt to deal with the situations that I have had reguarding my D due to his profession. <P>As far as my H talking to "other sex friends" about the issues with my D, I know he does. About the things he knows anyway. About our personal life I do know he has talked to a few of the women at work about "our" problems. The reason I know this is because one of the women he works with and takes breaks and dinners with is an old HS friend of mine. Boy, what is it with me and my old HS friends!!! LOL(I have to laugh or I will go totally insane here!) She happened to mentioned to me the night of my HS reunion that HE told her that he accused me and she told him he was wrong to even be thinking that way. So I do in fact know he talks. <P>You say about your wife dressing nicer and things like that. Yes I have to agree I have been too. I finally feel good about myself after this major weight loss. It took me over a year but I did it! I was wearing a size 16 going into an 18 and felt lousy. I am now in a size 5 and feel great(if I could only stop smoking now! LOL). I want to look good for myself and my family. I even wear makeup now, I didn't for a long time. I felt worthless before! <P>I did this because I hated myself for looking the way I did when he would come home from work and thought maybe it would help our relationship. Well, it backfired right in my face. <P>With winter upon us its hard to dress nicer so its back to the turtlenecks and sweatshirts. When its 6* out when you wake up and get dressed you really have no other choice! LOL <P>She probably is feeling that you don't appreciate the changes she has made in reguards to her dressing in that manner and thats why she doesn't try around you. Like I have said "been there, done that". I too on weekends when the H is around don't always dress the way I do during the week, and I bet that makes him wonder too. I think a lot of times its because I know without him telling me (just with his actions) that he doesn't approve. So why bother.<P>Have you ever commented to her about how nice she looks or the fact that you like to come home and see her like that? Just something else to think about!<P>falsely accused

My husband accused me often in the first 16 years of our marriage, during which I was completely faithful to him. He also engaged in other abusive behaviors. As I saw us slipping into yet another cycle and saw he was also starting to drink again (he's an alcoholic), I snapped. I had been contacted by someone on the internet and I needed sympathy. At that point none of my emotional needs were being met. I had an affair, I think because I thought maybe my husband would declare the marriage over. He forgave me (he says).<P>I broke it off with the OM, yet the cycles of anger continue, mistrust abounds, and I am beginning to feel like a prisoner again after spending two more years trying to work things out. My fault, really. I still sublimated my needs to his own to "keep the peace." We have been talking more honestly lately about our issues, but still true reconciliation is elusive. I am burnt out.

I accused. Once. And certainly have distrusted several times. <P>My H had a way of getting himself into circumstances that were ripe for distrust (much better these days). He's very charming with a "bad boy" image. He managed a heavy metal band for awhile. He's now a bartender, in a strip club. Tests my patience levels to the max sometimes. <P>H had a brief affair with a psycho woman before we met. Her interest lingered for years. She would hang out at the rock club where my H was bartending then, call him at all hours of the night, appear at his house drunk and crying for him (the police escorted her away). She even called ME quite often. The time I accused him, we had been quarreling and another phone call from her packed with crazy lies seemed to fit his disappearance. <P>Band groupies would call our house. H was determined to keep his feeling of "freedom" and was not dependable in calling me when he was going to be late. When he started working at the strip club, our work/sleep hours were so different (still are) that he sometimes would go out to eat with the bouncers or hang out after the bar closed to play pool. One morning a stripper went to breakfast with them. He told me about it honestly and readily--I hit the roof. Major distrust in my active little mind.<P>I would check up on him--where his car was after work hours, who he was with. I found nothing contrary to his own reports. I think I finally got to a point where I realized, enough is enough. I was driving myself crazy. So I decided to quit the after-hours detective work, and just trust him. We came to agreements about what nights to expect him home early, and what nights I would know he wanted to unwind with the work guys. He was late a couple of times. When that happened, I surprised him by waiting up for him, but calmly. I simply told him that he had breached our agreement, and did we need to come to a NEW agreement. He apologized and, I think, realized that I WAS trusting him but he had to help that process with dependability. The late returns haven't happened in several months. He checks with me about his schedule and keeps me informed. Because I offered trust first? Difficult for me to understand--seems out of order in our situation, but it worked for us.<P>The most recent development...apparently the hang-out after work on the weekends now is at a waitress' apartment some 20 miles away. He asked how I felt about him checking out these parties to see if WE would go there sometimes. I edited some of the comments I COULD have made, and just said that was a possibility but I felt a little uncomfortable about what might happen at the parties. He asked the waitress about the last party she'd had, and I guess the description of the events startled even HIM because he's decided he/we wouldn't be going.<P>I'm finally coming to the realization that my H IS trustworthy, though his image belies.<BR>

Yep! Before I ever cheated on my H he accused me of it. He had a beer drinking buddy over one night and I got the guy (old enough to be my father) a beer out of the cooler. He gave me a hug when I handed hime the beer. A week or so went by and I came home one night and left the gate open because we had no stock on the place at the time. When H came home he said he saw shadows moving. I was actually asleep! Don't know what was in his head. But like I've said before," You can only be accused of something so many times before your try it"<BR>Londonite

Yep! Before I ever cheated on my H he accused me of it. He had a beer drinking buddy over one night and I got the guy (old enough to be my father) a beer out of the cooler. He gave me a hug when I handed hime the beer. A week or so went by and I came home one night and left the gate open because we had no stock on the place at the time. When H came home he said he saw shadows moving. I was actually asleep! Don't know what was in his head. But like I've said before," You can only be accused of something so many times before your try it"<BR>He thought the guy that hugged me had been there. He got the flashlight out and looked for tire tracks, checked closets, etc. He honestly to this day believes that guy was there. <BR>Londonite