I have known for almost a month and a half that my husband has been having an affair. He said he had ended it but I found out yesterday that he hasn't ended it. Of course he says he is now. LIAR! Sorry, but he is! The ow's husband has suspected that she is seeing my husband but has no concrete evidence like I do. So, she is getting away with it. My husband keeps getting caught. He is really stupid when it comes to stuff like this I guess. Well, duh, obviously! Anyway, this is what I am wondering... Should I call and tell her husband that I know for a fact that his wife is cheating on him with my husband? She is in the process of trying to divorce him. BUT, he won't sign the divorce papers as he doesn't want a divorce. I want to tell the man but I want to do it annonymously. I know you will all say this is a huge love buster but I tell you what... My husband has done nothing but love bust! I have made a commitment to try and make our marriage work. I went out and took a second job to help with our finances. I have been sweet as pie to him and this is how he repays me. I told him I would commit to making things easier on him. I told him in return that I needed a commitment from him that he would stop seeing her. Well, I held up my end of the deal and he has done nothing but hurt me and continues to see this woman. I never had a vindictive bone in my body until today! I don't even see this as being vindictive. I see it as a public service to the ow's husband.<P>The thing is, I do not hate my husband. I love the man. I love him more than anything, but he is not having to face any consequences by how I have been handling this whole affair. So, he knows, or thinks he can still get away with it. He does know how incredibly hurt I am by the whole thing. YET, he continues to do it! At this point I am just very angry! This isn't just a flash of anger... I have been feeling this for a couple of days now! He is treating me like a doormat! I am getting tired of it! I bend over backwards for that man... I have ever since I was married to him. This is how he repays me... I think he has become a MONSTER!!!! I know you will all think I have gone off my rocker but I can only take soooooooo much! <P>The other thing is... My family knows nothing about this. My boss at work told me today that she really thinks they need to know. By my not telling them about the affair, I am just protecting my husband and allowing him to continue with it. He has had to face no consequences. Unfortunately, the consequence of seeing me in utter pain and devastation has not been enough to make him stop! That alone should have been enough! This is the second time he has gotten caught since he supposedly ended it. Well, I am getting sick of it! He is making no effort to repair our marriage!<P>His own family knows about it but then they aren't going to do anything as he is their family. They support me fully but at the same time they don't want to hurt their relationship with him. I cannot blame them for that. So, should I tell my family? I have not wanted to at all! I guess that would give him some consequences. Of course, he used that against me too. He said before if I told my family it would be over for us. <P>I don't know what to do. He did say that he finally thinks he needs counseling.... WELL, DUH!!! I want to hold him to that. I can't do this on my own anymore! I had told him I would quit my second job if there was any sign that they were still having an affair. Well, I have full blown proof that the affair is still going on and he suckered me into not quitting. I think I will tell him now that I will keep the job if he agrees to get counseling with me. I have to have something to back me up. I have been trying to help him on my own but I can't do it anymore! It is draining the life right out of me! <P>I hope someone has some answers for me! I am sorry this is such a long post! <P>~Woozy

I really do need advice here if anyone has it! It is taking all the strength I have not to go to the phone and call the ow's husband and tell him what I know! <P>I am simply dying inside and I can't take it anymore!!!!<P>I hope the previous post wasn't too negative! It is just hard to be positive when you are being treated like dirt all the time! Know what I mean????<P>~Woozy

woozy,<BR>I think you need to slow down a bit and not do anything haistily! Wait until you have calmed down and are thinking rationally. I understand your anger... but give it a day or two before doing anything! I wouldn't want you to regret doing something that can't be undone...

I think you need to tell that OW that if she doesn't tell her H and back-off from yours....then YOU will inform her H of the affair.

I think you should absolutely not tell the ow husband. If he granted her the divorce she is seeking, that would give her free time to devote to chasing your h. Don't make it any easier on them than it already is.<P>Remember that your h is still with you and it sounds like he is not asking for a divorce. If ow get one, she will be pressuring your h to follow suit!<P>The next thing to remember is that you cannot change your h. You cannot educate your h. All you can do is fix YOU! Work on making yourself a better person and in doing this, your h will notice. <P>Men are supposed to want to be the financial provider of the family. Just possibly (maybe not) your h is feeling less of a man since you are working two jobs. Who knows on this one, just something to think about????<P>Another thing that I have learned is whatever I do for my h has to be because I desire to make him happy, not so he will alter some form of behavior. If there are strings attached to my behavior, every time I am let down. Is this my h fault or is this my fault? I think I often set myself up to fail in this area! Take some time to really look at your marriage. Read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and if you cannot continue to build up your lovebank using Plan A, look at Plan B. In telling your family, know that they will support you, tell you to dump the bum and trash your h. I chose not to tell my family because those are not the things that I needed to hear. I confided in a friend that was 100% loyal to me, but would not trash my h. In going through this, we all make a million mistakes and wish we could do things a different way. Just keep learning and working on yourself. If your h won't go to counseling, go yourself! My h never has gone to counseling. Must be a man thing I know, sexist thing to say! Good luck and look to God to find the way you should follow!

I can't say whether you should tell him or not. I talked to my H's OW's H (confusing) and when H found out, he was very angry. The OW's H already knew, so it wasn't new info, but it was still a major LB. I feel bad and I never wanted to do anything to hurt my H, but I have needs too and I needed to talk to the guy.

Woozy,<P>My opinion on the exact question you asked has changed drastically since I have become a victim of my husband's affair. I would have said no before (maybe).<P>The person who called me was an "Angel" from God in my humble opinion.<P>So I say yes, tell her husband. He has the right to know. I would however supply that proof anonymously if at all possible.<P>Derby's advise is good and I would weigh the possibility of him granting his wife's divorce and the impact it will have on you. I doubt though that rather she is or is not divorced will have much impact on her behavior. <P>I am not too good at this advise thing and that's usually why I don't give much.<P>Take some time to cool down and go over all possible scenarios in your mind. Make a sure and wise choice on this based on what is good for you and your family.<P>Wish I could have helped more.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<P>

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I guess I have decided not to tell the ow's husband. When my husband came home from work, I told him that I wanted to tell him. My husband told me to do what I wanted to do. He also said that the ow's husband already has a very good idea that it is going on but he has no concrete evidence. I guess I am sort of giving my husband another chance. But, I tell you what, if he does it again, I am going to call this guy and tell him everything I know. I am getting tired of covering it all up. Of course my husband swears up and down that it won't happen again and that he really did feel regret and awful for doing it the last time. I said to him that he shouldn't have gone through with it then if it made him feel so awful. BUT, you know what... he did it anyway! He needs to take responsibility for his actions. The worst thing is, the day he was with her again... I knew he was going to be. That morning before he left to go and be with her I told him how it makes me sick to my stomach when I know he is going to work with her. I told him how hurt and devastated I have been by this whole mess. I asked him to please be faithful to me for the rest of our lives. He sat there and agreed with everything I said. Then, he went and had sex with her not even an hour later. I really don't know why I put up with it. I am sorry this is negative again but he is really messing with me and I am so tired of it all. <P>He will be working with her today again! JOY! But, he will be coming home early today to help me clean as his brother and his wife are coming to visit this weekend. <P>We had a long talk again last night. I told him what I would like him to do is make a plan with the ow to meet her at a motel like they do and then stand her up. Well, he said he couldn't do that to her. That ticked me off. You see, I wanted him to hurt her the way he has hurt me. But, he seems to not be able to hurt her as easily as he can hurt me. I sent him an e-mail this morning saying that it really upsets me how he can hurt me time and time again but that when it comes to hurting her once he won't even consider it. I told him I thought that was very unfair to me. I also told him he isn't the man I used to know. <P>So, here I sit, waiting to get hurt again. I told him if he sees her again I will leave. I said I can't continue to be hurt like this. I will tell my family at that point also. I will also tell her husband. As for calling her, I have no desire to do that. I don't want to go that far. Plus, she would probably just use it against me. <P>Well, once again, I must get ready to leave for work. YUCK!<P>~Woozy

If your spouse is like mine, they will lie constantly about the affair. No point in badgering them. When you see the mouth moving assume lies are coming out.<P>As for notification, I say YES. I would have a 3rd party make the call and give the information. If you don't hear from the other spouse then IMHO your duty is done.<P>FWIW, someone notified my spouses other party and I never heard from the other spouse and now consider it his problem if he wants to stay with that situation.<P>Paul

I am all for telling the OW's husband. Why does she deserve anything special. I think that since he already suspects something then you should just bring it all out.<P>I did this with OW's husband and I am not a bit sorry. As far as I know they are still together, but I did give her a chance first. I talked to her and told her she had better tell her H because I would be calling to tell him. She did tell him because he knew by the time I had called.

I agree with Cracker.<P><Cracker, my friend! Where have you been??!!>

I would definitely tell the OW's H. I was told about my H's affair by the OW's H and I have never felt anything but gratitude for giving me the concrete evidence that I already suspected. It is such a relief. It was also a relief for my H to finally be caught. He admitted that to me.<P>It's time to be out in the open if you are going to heal. I would delay telling your family if you plan on a reconciliation with your H. They may not understand this. And they may have a negative influence on your recovery.