Hi everyone, <P>I've been off the board for about five weeks, and I felt I owed you folks a little update on my situation. A lot has happened during that time. <P>In mid-December, I felt my marriage was over. My wife's OM saw us as a family. This whole event is a very long story, but I will say that him seeing us together affected him. My wife was to the point of letting go of me. She asked and later begged the OM to take their relationship to the next level. He told her that he was happy with his situation at home and could not do it, especially after seeing our family together. Needless-to-say, my wife was devastated by the turn of events. She slid into a pretty deep depression and sought medication to ease the trauma. <P>The weeks that followed were pretty tough; eggshells everywhere. I didn't know how to feel, what to do or what to say. As always, I just tried to be the best husband I know how. <P>Things are improving. She is still in contact with the OM. But, I think things are changing for them. It was brought to my attention that perhaps the OM is in a trap. His wife doesn't know of the affair and I'm sure he has no desire to tell her. He just kind of wants this to all go away. However, there is that old saying "Hell hath no fury…", and that is what he is dealing with now. So, I believe and hope that he is trying to slowly distance himself from the relationship without causing my wife a lot of pain. Oh the tangled web we weave….<P>The past few weeks have had some highs and lows. The lows were pretty awful. Lot's of tears and hurt - even now. There have been some good discussions between us and I think intimacy is starting to be rebuilt. The past few days have been very nice. I have actually received a few hugs and kisses without asking for them. <P>My worst enemy right now is myself. I'm fighting resentment, I'm fighting images, and I'm fighting emotions that are difficult to control. It's odd, I feel my wife and I are both fighting this monster we can't see or touch. Neither of us know what weapons to use against it. Our battle is separate yet the same if that makes any sense. <P>I also have to say that a wonderful thing has happened to me since I have been gone. Just after I signed off, a wonderful man who used to post on this board contacted me. He had been following my story from the beginning. Our stories are similar in many ways. He is about a year ahead of me in dealing with this mess. I believe that through prayer, God's led him to me. He has taken me under his wing and is counseling me through every facet of recovery. Several of you also wrote to me, and I thank you for your help and more importantly for your friendship. <P>I have been lurking a little to keep up on a few stories. I know for some of you things are not going well at all. A few other are seeing some daylight as I am. Please know that you are still in my prayers. It is also very sad for me to see all the new people here. I have been away for only a month or so and yet there are so many new folks. Unfortunately, there seems to be an endless supply of hurt in this world. <P>This monster we all are facing is NOT our downfall. It is more of a test of our inner strength. We will find ourselves like never before. We will overcome and be made better because of it. Don't let it consume you. Don't let it get the best of you either. God alone knows our future. Perhaps in His divine wisdom, He is shaping us into the person He already knows we are. <P>God bless, <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited January 13, 2000).]

SHA, <BR>I hope you recovery continues to go better. Hang in there, it's worth it IMHO anyway. Thanks for checking in....<BR>Mike

SHA - So glad to see your username come up. I think of you often and hope that this is the turning point is seems to be for you and your wife.<P>Starpony

SHA,<P>Thanks for the update...<P>It good to hear, even potentially, good news... <P>Jim

David,<P>Benn wondering how things were going for you. Again, the road twists and winds and sometimes doubles back.<P>Sorry for all that you continue to struggle with. The ebst news here is that the OM is backing off your wife some. Hoepfully in time (short time!) he will make the best decision he can - to put all this energy and focus into his own W's feelings and his marriage. <P>Your W coninues the struggle - it is such a terrible ordeal for the betrayer. Yet, at the time, it seems as if they can't see themselves out of it. Rememeber the "blinders".<P>Yes, there are so many new people here. But, while you have been away, there have been a lot of success stories posted too. And, alot of folks who have left to concentrate on their marriages as things had seemed to turn the corner for the better in their recovery process. So, for all the pain here, there is a lot of joy and happiness for some.<P>I continue to include you and your wife in my daily prayers.<P>Still wishing you the very best....<P>Desiree <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

SHA,<P>I am not sure I am glad to see you back or not. I always enjoyed your insights on this board. However, I had hoped that your W would see the light over Christmas and you would be on your way to a success story.<P>I hope and pray that the OM will back off permentally and your W will begin to see what she has before her.<P>God Bless You SHA and Your Family<P>JL

SHA, it's good to hear from you again. I do understand what you are talking about. My H and I are in the same place. At times I feel this is worse then when the affair was taking place. Please take care of yourself, I'll be thinking of you and your wife.<P>------------------<BR>Lots of love,<BR>Viki

SHA, I hope you're almost there. If she could just break off the contact. I know what you mean about being separated but the same. We were fortunate that we mostly took turns feeling really desperate, so it wasn't both at once. It was tough, but I let him cry on my shoulder about missing the OW. yuch. But hang in there. She is GONE.<P>The other thing that struck me. God is making us into the person we are destined to be, like the Lord Jesus. That is the real goal in life. At least the person I am still has a long way to go.

SHA - so glad to hear from you. I'm sure hoping that now, finally, all your hard work, all your wonderful patience will begin to pay off.<P>I'm praying for you.<P>Lori

Praying for continued blessings... even little ones like the OM seeing you all together as a family... something so natural that should have been obvious, but so small too, can make a huge impact, huh?<P>By the way, you are a beautiful writer... love to read your stuff...<P>Best wishes...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

SHA,<P>Good to hear from you. Sorry things have been so difficult, but you have gone thru it once.<P>That resentment is a tough one to deal with, but I know you can do it.<P>HAng in there and God Bless.<P>Bob

SHA,<P>Thank you for this...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>This monster we all are facing is NOT our downfall. It is more of a test of our inner strength. We will find ourselves like never before. We will overcome and be made better because of it. Don't let it consume you. Don't let it get the best of you either. God alone knows our future. Perhaps in His divine wisdom, He is shaping us into the person He already knows we are.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>That is exactly what I needed to hear.<P>Bill <P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

hello there stranger <BR>Its good to see your name again I am glad that things seem to have some promise now , keep believing your dreams can come true . I know it is hard, the resentment and all those feelings that well up inside us at times (justified though they may be) fight them they will do more damage than good right now, thinking of you and your wife, sending good wishes accross the ocean.<P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

SHA, <P>I've missed you. Your insight, your thoughts, your help have been missed. I think good things are starting to happen for you. You certainly deserve them. <P>Fool No More

<B>mkn (Mike)</B><BR>Hi Mike, I hope you are doing well. I know you don't post much. I hope that is because things are improving. <P><B>Starpony</B><BR>I'm taking each day as it comes. I believe there has been a turning point and I am holding on to hope that things will continue to improve. God is good. Thank you for responding. <P><B>NSR (Jim)</B><BR>In my lurking, I did read of some of the trials you are facing. These are hard times for many. I have also noticed that you continue to rise to the occassion and meet adversity head on. Jim, you are a strong man. You are also a giver. You have the gift of compassion and it shows in your writing. Follow your heart Jim, God leads through our hearts.<P><B>Roll Me Away (Desiree)</B><BR>You remembered my name . You are always so kind. No need to feel sorry for me. I'm encouraged with what is happening in my life. There is still hurt, but the good days seem to be popping up more now than in the past. I continue to learn that betrayers have a lot of hurt too. Their struggles are different, but our enemy is the same. I'm glad to hear that there are some success stories out there. There can never be enough of those. Thank you for responding to my post.<P><B>Just Learning</B><BR>Fear not my friend, I think my story will have a happy ending. I face more struggles, but I'm ready for them. The road is very long but the journey will bring my wife and I closer together. I know that in order for healing to take place, a break must be made between my wife and the OM. But, I can't make that decision for her. She must do it on her own. Reality is slowly setting in for her. Affairs are addictions. Addictions are so hard to break. She'll get there. I'm here to help her through it. Thank you.<P><B>Viki</B><BR>Hi Viki, if you're in the same place as I am, then you should be holding your chin high. I think I have been through the worst part of this mess. There are more tough times to endure. But, a loving and intimate relationship with my wife is in reach and I'm ready to fight any battle the enemy sets before me. Best wishes Viki, I know you'll make it to. <P><B>schizzo</B><BR>The contact will end. I've stopped trying to manipulate events and focused my attention on her. Schizzo, you are so right about Christ. I often wonder at how people can get through this without knowing Him. I can only imagine their journey is ten times as harder. Don't lose your focus Schizzo, I think you are doing well.<P><B>lostva (Lori)</B><BR>Thank you. I'm learning to appreciate the small things. My wife is making a very slow transition back to our marriage and every little sign is savored. The gentle touch of her hand on my shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a phone call saying she'll be a little late. there are many more, but the point is I notice everything now and I like what I am seeing. Thank you for posting.<P><B>new_beginning (Sheryl)</B><BR>I know you and your H are having a very tough time. I read the things that you write to one another here, and I see the love you still hold for one another. There are so many obstacles between you. I pray you and your H can find your way back to one another. I think you're close. Don't give up Sheryl, in a life time together, what is a couple of years of struggle? I know its hard. Don't stop trying. <P><B>RWD (Bob)</B><BR>I have kept up on your story - tough times too. I know things haven't gone your way lately but I also know you are developing into quite a man. Our life lessons never stop do they? I know that you are growing into a wonderful giver to many folks here. You certainly have a lot to offer. <P><B>WilliamJ (Bill)</B><BR>I'm glad I was able to help in a small way. You know, I often compare infidelity to war, because to me it is just that. People don't know what they are capable of until they are tested way beyond what they think they can handle. We find ourselves in the process. And for the most part, we walk away with a stonger self esteem, more compassion, and the knowledge of who we really are. Hang in there Bill.<P><B>jendan69 (Jenny)</B><BR>Jenny! How are you? I know you have gone through some very tough times this past month. I hope you are well. I hope you are finding a little happiness in these difficult days. I am so happy you posted. Let us know how things are going. <P><B>Fool No More</B><BR>Your words are so kind - thank you! <P>God Bless, <BR>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR>

SHA,<BR>I have mostly been lurking not lately and not posting. I haven't felt like I could contribute much to anyone these days. But, for you one of the comrades, I had to post to thank you for your update and strength. Since last summer your posts and encouragment have always uplifted my spirits. Just today, I came looking for some good news and good insights. Even though there is still so much new pain, new people, and bad vibes, I was able to leave here today feeling better and stronger about sticking it out in my plan A. Looks like the 1 yr mark (from start of emotional/physical affair) appears to be the telling point of affairs. It will either diffuse by then, or the divorce will be on. I am hoping to be there for that decision by my wife.

SHA~<BR>I remember when I first came to this board and I was learning so much, I remember you being one of the first to reach out and answer my questions. It seems to have been a life time but it was a year ago, a short span by many. In that time I have learnt so much about myself, my marriage, my H, and my life. I think about how you reached out and helped me when I thought no one would answer any of my posts. I was so afraid and yet you answered me! I stay here although things have changed considerably in my life hoping to aid someone in the same way that you have aided me........you are an inspiration to many, I hope you realize this!<BR>I know the point your at now. It may seem so hard. I don't know if it will help at all but I was there.....and we did work things out! Please continue to let us in on whats up in your life and know that although your in a rough position now I think you can and will make it to the end of that dark tunnel! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

<B>izzy</B><BR>Hey comrade! What a pleasure it is to hear from you. Izzy, these are difficult days aren't they? Time is on your side. As much as I'm beginning to hate even using that word, time DOES heal. The problem is everyone of us has a different time table. The steam from affairs will clear. Reality will poke it's head through. And that mirror on the wall starts reflecting an image that the betrayer must come to grips with. Soon it becomes a cancer that eats away at their core. It would be nice to say we will all have a happy ending, but for some it won't happen. I'm not sure what the future holds for me and my wife, I only know that I will have done my best and I will have no regrets. Keep trying Izzy. Please know, I'm pulling for you to make it.<P><B>chick's</B><BR>Hi chick's! I think we joined MB around the same time. It does seem like a lifetime ago. Time crawls during these days doesn't it? I am so happy to hear that your marriage has turned the corner. As a friend told me, "Bury this awful mess and when you're done; bury the shovel." Isn't that the truth! My path is still a difficult one, but I will make it through. I'm determined. I'm glad you are still here and especially happy that you have found it in your heart to help others through. You have a lot to offer. I'm not sure how much I will be posting. I'll be lurking, but I'm struggling with many issues and the few weeks I did remove myself from this board allowed me to focus on my own trials. There is so much fresh pain here, I'm just not sure I have much to offer others at this point. Thank you for your encouraging words - my cup runneth over with all the wonderful things people say. Your a wonderful lady chick's. <P>God Bless, <P>SHA

Howdee SHA,<P>Nice to see you posting again. <P>I just wanted to add my own "best wishes" and support as you work through this. I too have had some moments similar to yours. And, there were times in my relationship with Suse that I felt we'd never really achieve that connectedness again.<P>We're living proof it can be done. Don't lose sight of where you want to go. It can be a looooong process. But, then again, I can't think of anything more satisfying when further down the path.<P>Take care,<P>DMac

V glad to get the update and will post more on Monday when I have free time again. You've never been far in thought or prayer. You're my best bud here, SHA. I'm still pulling for you and W. <BR>FC