Hi, all. Quite a bit of change around here as of late, eh? <P>I wanted to ask a question, and although it's kind of confusing to me I think maybe (just maybe?) someone else is going through it, or maybe their spouse is. I feel I need to address it.<P>I was the betrayer, I feel as though I have gone through a personality change here after what I've done. I mean a complete change in the way I think, act and react towards others. Not always good. I feel like the insecurity I have now is affecting my marriage. As if I really ruined it all (maybe that's harsh..just some aspects). My husband and I have been working out and through our problems, been to counseling, are progressing as we should, except for something that I harbor; I don't think I will EVER shake the feeling of what I've done. It took awhile to forgive myself, and I only did this because guilt is completely self destructive to my marriage. You have to let go to have any positive relationship. But there's a rooted problem here that I'm fairly certain I won't be able to shake and that's insecurity. I feel as if something sacred was shattered, I did it but I can't stop thinking that my husband deserves better. I love him completely, and he doesn't give me any reason to think the way I'm thinking. But it's just something that seems to be part of me now, something keeping me from being happy in my marriage. I don't know if this is fairly common or not, but I do see it as being a problem. And my tolerance of others and even tv shows of infidelity...zero. I get so angry when I see it or read about it or hear of it that I turn red, literally. And I'm thinking this is something that I'm feeling towards my own actions, but I'm normally a person who doesn't get their feathers ruffled, but boy are they ruffled when this subject comes up!<P>Should I go back to a counselor, what could help? Anyone who has been there or can offer any advice, I'd appreciate any response from.

Hey again, Connor!<P>Wow, can I relate! I am currently in counseling for my self-esteem which has been destroyed during this wonderful year of events in 1999. I go to see her once a week, and she gives me a new task each week to work on with myself. So far, I have made palpabel progress. But, lemme tell ya, chickie, I came up from a LOOONG ways down.<P>My self-esteem wasn't much stronger than a kitten's mew before I cheated on Jason. (Largely a contributing factor to my actions.) When I was finally able to face what I did, I was unable to associate mySELF and who I am from the deeds. I still continue to struggle with this - it's one of the main themes that play in my head.<P>When I see things dealing with infidelity, like in general, I tend to become uncomfortable and need to change the channel or subject. I only start getting angry when I see some serious betrayer-bashing going on. But that's usually when it's in combination with an intolerable accompanying dose of self-righteousness. (As it happens around here at times.) I try not to say anything then. Maybe you get so mad because you feel angry with yourself or you keep feeling like the big fat finger is pointing at you again (SHE DID IT - CHEATER! CHEATER!) That's why I still get a little mad. You don't need to be wathcing or exposing yourself to that kind of material right now. <P>Or how's this analogy - I get steaming, raging, hopping, stay-the-fork-away-from-me mad when I see stuff on TV or worse, get a patient in who's been sexually abused or when I see a man hitting a woman on TV. Oh, GIVE me a reason to go off on them (the abuser), PLEASE. Because it's happened to me. Con, we too are victims in this in an abstract way. It's like living the hell all over again. <P>It's ok. You do need to work on re-building you. You have to care about YOU to make your marriage or your life work. I think what you're experiencing right now is normal. It's curable, and it's a hand tapping you on your shoulder telling you to take care of yourself. Stay away from stuff that hurts. You don't need it, it serves NO purpose. I gotta give the puter over to my H now - he ate a whole package of Pilsbury Caramel Rolls (ok I had some too), and he's pacing around, using the ceiling fan cord to ding on the lights (Kinda like church bells) and writing on things --- help i gotta gooo!!!!! more laterrrrrrrrr<P>K

Khyra,<P>You just don't know how much you've even helped me with that post of yours! You know what's up. I'm dealing with this and it's deep seated stuff and I'm on this upward slope looking toward toward the peak that will show me where the down hill is located..<P>Your counselor sounds great...gives you a new task to complete, I really need that stuff! I need to have an assignment to concentrate my efforts on. <P>I guess beating myself over the head doesn't accomplish much, but it's more of a thing that's done without realizing what you're doing and what the repurcussions are. <P>Getting MAJORLY sleepy now, but wanted to let Khyra know that her reply was on the mark.

Connor,<P>Thanks, sweetie. We're people too, know what I mean? I looked back at what I wrote and to me it almost sounded like I gave the impression that I am up that same steep peak that you're looking up at. NOT EVEN CLOSE! <P>This is going to be a tough fight - it's the recovery we have sought all our lives without knowing it. Insecurity and all it's nastly little demons have followed and plagued me all my life. It's crippling and damaging to so many things - your goals, your relationships, your fears, everything. I'm just now starting to see how deeply ingrained it its in my life. I'm also beginning to see why and how it all got to this point. Being a person who is prone to bouts of self-pity I struggle not to feel too bad about it. I'd rather put my energy into CHANGING it.<P>The things she gives me to try and do go against the very grain of what I have done for years, but suprisingly enough, it's pleasant, most of it. Like stopping mentally beating myself up all the time. That was the first thing. JUst refusing to listen to the bad stuff. What a relief that's been on my heart, to do that. <P>Anyway, what I wanted to say to you before was: I think all of this beating ourselves up may be one of the few ways we are able to communicate our remorse to our husbands. What do you think about that one? After all, I can't imagine someone who's as sorry for what they did as we are going out and buying themselves a whole new wardrobe or walking around with a great big smile on their face. No. In my sick little world, it's always made sense that if you are sorry, you should be 'shamed, because Bad People do Bad things - that's what makes them Bad. Get it? Tell me what you think. Even if you think I'm nuts! LOL<P>Khyra

Khyra, hey girl <P>As always, you've given me lots to think about. So much of what you've said, such as insecurity (oh,I was remembering middle school and then the famous high school disaster that will always be etched in my brain..when I gave myself a crewcut for bangs and almost became a nun)...is true. We beat ourselves up, it's a form of self punishment. We are showing our spouses how sorry we are, and taking it out on ourselves ultimately. How good is that for us and even our marriages? <P>So many good points you brought up! Self punishment is not a good thing, right? Right! <P>You are DEFINITELY NOT nuts, LOL!...you know of what you speaketh! <P>Thanks so much, you know I'm archiving this stuff for later perusal p:<P>Connor <P>