If you check my profile, then you know pretty much my story. My wife says that she loves me, but has no romantic love for me. She has told me that she wants to see the OM in public places just to see if there is any basis to their relationship. I am so insecure about this whole thing, should I hang on or should I just let her go and hope that their relationship will end?

Dale,<P>I'm so sorry I haven't replied sooner.<P>Can I ask how long you've been married? Have you and your wife discussed your problems, considered counseling?<P>Has your wife told you how long she's been with her OM? Has she told you that she's in love with him? The reason she wants to see the OM is because she's addicted to him. He gives her a high, he makes her feel alive, he brings back those passionate feelings you have in the beginning of a relationship, when it's new and wonderful.<P>When I started my relationship with my OM it was very innocent at first, a friendship but it soon grew into more. I became more and more distant from my husband and nothing he did was right, I critized everything. My OM was my prince charming. I didn't understand the mature love I've learned now and I was just very naive about love in general. However, I still am searching myself for falling back in love with my husband, I'm trying to get it back again, it's not something that you can force back and it has been very difficult on me. My OM was an escape from all my problems, but I didn't want to see that. My OM was Mr. Perfect and I bet your wife sees him in the same light. I put him on such a high pedestal and it's taken me a long time to throw him off. <P>Your wife has to make the decision that she wants to give your marriage a chance. She needs to be commited to it and it could take her some time to realize that. I'm afraid if you pressure you into not seeing him, it will drive her closer to him but then I understand how you must feel in letting her go. <P>Maybe you could talk to her, about what emotional needs have not been met and how much you are willing to give your marriage a fighting chance if she is as well. <P>If I were to talk to your wife, I'd tell her that from my experience, all my affair did was cause me extreme pain, the most I've ever had in my life, totally turned my life upside down and I will never be the same again. She needs to deal with the problems she has with her marriage and discover within herself what's missing. I would guarantee that if she started a relationship with this OM, she would find that he has his own faults, they would have their own struggles and problems and life wouldn't be the bed of roses that perhaps she's imagining.

Thank you Hummingbird. What you said sounds like everything that my wife is feeling. She called today and made a comment about divorce. She said that she wants to try to work on the marriage, but that she just doesn't have the strength right now. She also said that she didn't love me any more, but that she can't bear to be without me in her life. I hope that I can convince her to hang on and to try the marriage counseling. Please say a prayer for us.

Hi Dale,<P>I will say a pray for you. I do understand what your wife is feeling. Do you know if she felt that "in-love" feeling towards you in the beginning of your relationship? I know some people here have said that they never felt it. I did and it does help and give me strength to remember what it was like in the beginning. Even though it was a long time ago and all the bad times that we have over the years make it very easy to forget. I think about the good times I've had with my husband and it gives me hope, it is very hard and I understand when your wife says that she feels she doesn't have the strength.<P>I've compared many times in my head and heart the "in-love" feeling I've felt for my OM and husband. My OM always won. It was always so much more intense, the connection I felt with him so was powerful, God he was a drug to me. I've never experienced such an addiction in my life. <P>It's been over 5 months for me and the clouds have lifted alot. While I do still believe that I love him, I feel that the reason it "seemed" to be so much more intense than what I experieced with my husband was because it was "forbidden" and all the moments we had together were stolen and were very short. I always saw his good side, I never had the time to really what we would of been like if we could of had a real relationship. So, in turn it fueled the fantansy in mind of how beautiful and wonderful our lives would be together. We dreamed and talked of how perfect we were together, never seeing eachother's faults. It was just our perfect little world. <P>Reality is much different. And I really came crashing down. <P>

Dale16--<P>I'm not sure what to say.<P>But, I think the fact that your wife can't bear to not have you in her life might mean that she does love you. Maybe she's not sure what love is supposed to be right now.<P>When people are involved in an affair your feelings of love are so elevated for that person that you have no idea what real love is supposed to feel like. I think your wife might just be missing that emotional high type of love that she has with the OM.<P>I do think that you should hang on...it's obvious that she will have a hard time letting you go completely, and marriage counseling might make her realize that she does need you in her life. <P>It is possible for your wife to get back romantic feelings of love for you...but, she will have to get the OM totally out of her system first and that can take some time. <P>