I have been married for 21 years and happily as far as I knew. Recently (last 6 months)my husband started spending allot of his time on the computer. To make a long story short he met someone in a chat room and crossed the line when he went to meet her. We have always had a very trusting marriage and rarely spent time apart....meaning weekends...so when he asked to help a friend move or spend time with another friend I thought nothing of it. The third time he did it I became suspicious. I went into the computer and found out that he went to see another woman. I confronted him the next day and within the next few days he called her with my knowledge but not in my presence to end the relationship. Unbeknownst to me as we were supposedly trying to rebuild he was still in contact with her. I might also add that in order for my husband to justify his actions he took every avenue he could find to find fault with me. It did not wash. I was blamed for sexual inadequacy, lack of communication, lack of affection....etc. My replies to all of this were if all of this is true then why at no time was I told. Some of this may be true to the extent of the time period that he was in this 'fantasy' affair with this other women. As it became a reality he became more belligerent and distant which is another reason I started checking out what he was doing on the computer.
<br>It is now a month later and I can no longer find the man I married. He is an intelligent and always thoughtful person. As I write he has moved to his mothers house for space and time. He is a shell of the person I knew and wavers between loving me and apologizing and contacting her. I do not intend to sit by and wait for him to make his decision as to who he wants. He has now left his 14 year old daughter and I. He has lost the respect of every one around him including his parents who have given him an ultimatum.....if he continues the affair he is out of their house. He looks so lost and confused. I have told him that I would forgive him but it must end. I can't quite figure out whether he is punishing himself for doing something he knows was wrong.....and cannot rationalize. I feel that he is on an edge and if I pull the plug I will send him over.....and I really do not want to end my marriage. I realize that counseling will have to be had and I am willing but I cannot get through to him it appears no one can. My thoughts are to call this young lady up and blow up at her but I know that is not the solution. He is contacting her as much as she is contacting him. Please tell me what my next step is....thanks, Kathy

Kathleen:
<br>Do you still keep yourself attractive and desireable for your husband? What has Miss Computer supplied to your husband that you're not giving him?
<br> Next, The time period you mention feels like an eternity, but it's really not. The concequences of a failed marriage with children involved last an eternity. Plan each move as calmly and carefully as you can. It's better to take extra time rather than not enough unless you fear for his life. I think you can do more damage by acting impulsively than overly carefully. My every effort would be to get him into councilling rather than battling Miss Computer or getting into a stone throwing contest with your husband.
<br> Stay focused on the big picture and don't get drawn into emotional volleys that in reality will be counterproductive to saving your marriage and your family.
<br> One last ditch way you may get him into marriage councilling might be to consider a lawyer to try to bring him back to the bargaining table. Miss computer may not look so attractive with the very real horrors of legal proceedings, child support, legal fees, etc., going on. You'll immediately cut into his ability to maintain the status quo. He may be far more willing to make his marriage work if the romance is off the affair.
<br> A thought,..He's in some sort of self destructive pattern that might be the real problem. Maybe Miss Computer is just a symptom. In any case councilling is the answer. From the tone of your letter I think you're both clever enough and in a position to get him into councilling without extraordinary maneuvers. Good Luck, and if you've got a minute give me some input on my posted dilemma. fear of intimacy? Thanks<p>[This message has been edited by butch.]

Pardon me for just a second Kathy while I purge this little "demon" that popped up in my brain:
<p>Butch,
<p>AFFAIRS are symptoms to bigger issues. You don't really believe that his little Internet fling is because Kathy's hair smells like a perm or that she's aged a little over the years, do you?
<p>I think that's another way of saying it's HER fault this happened, don't you?
<p>Let's look at the meaning of marriage and commitment.
<p>It means THROUGH thick and thin, for BETTER OR WORSE, bla bla bla. It DOESN'T mean if you get sick or old, I'm gonna have to cheat behind your back to get MY needs fulfilled!
<p>I've had about all I can stand of the "because you did this, I did that" type of thinking. What marriages are SUPPOSED to be are pure relationships with each other, not just another place to put one's blame and inner issues.
<p>If Kathy's husband wasn't happy with her physical appearance, does that mean he also lost his vocal chords and can't utter the words? Does it mean the CHOICE he's limited to is finding another person to fulfill his needs?
<p>I certainly hope not. If so, I guess we're all in trouble.
<p>Kathy, I'm sorry for that... your post was so well-said. I know affairs can make it seem like it's something YOU did. But I just don't believe that.
<p>Yes, I agree that your husband is lost. He probably got a little curious about the chat rooms, and one thing led to another, and before he knew it, was consumed with curiosity about this "person" who seemed to evoke some feelings within him that were lying dormant for a long time.
<p>The behavior is unacceptable, I agree, and it sounds like so far you're doing the best you can, and you're aware of how dangerous a position he's in. That's good insight. Hang on to that! It's going to help keep the issues seperate when it comes time for reconciliation!
<p>I dunno... there's just no easy way to rationalize an affair. It's something that happens to SO many people, and the effects can be devastating to even the BEST of marriages.
<p>I think you'll know in your heart if and when the time is right for you to say enough is enough. HE is going to have to get to the point where he feels remorse for his actions before any growth can occur.
<p>I agree with Butch that pushing it along may cause a spin-out. Take your time, and good luck!
<p>Kimberley

Butch and Kimberly thank you both for your replies. It has been a week since I posted and alot has happened. The least of which getting into therapy myself has been heck of a long road (insurance companies disagreeing) but I will perservere. Last weekend we both went for a walk and actually got him talking...not really commiting to anything but talking. Admitting that what has happened has been destructive to both our marriage and me. We came to an agreement to be friends (vs husband and wife ) and start on clean slate being open and honest. I actually thought that we made some headway. Sunday I actually started to see a change. He was coming around to hi old self. I realize that I may have been hoping alot here but I did se some light. We were able to talk even laugh with out the pain. Then Monday rolled around and life got into normal routine....and as much as I have not asked I realize that Ms. Computer is still lurking. I went for week living with someone that virtually was so emotionally detached that you would have thought I had a boarder living in my house. Tonite I asked him what he wanted because I could no longer live this way...and he promptly told me that he spoke to a friend that has an apartment and is possibly going to move there for a while because he needs his space. He did this about two weeks ago and moved to his parents house but couldn't stand the tension and felt that was the wrong move. I answered that then I could assume that since he has gone as far as making plans to move he has made his decision. Reponse...I'm not sure I need space. I might feel differnetly in a week he said but I need to find out. Again I asked what it was I missed. Again I was told that it was nothing I did. Of course that was until I pressed and was told again lack of affection, a need for more sex....well guess what....I am not a mind reader....if you have an issue tell me...and to be quite frank with you our sex life was getting better....unbeknowst to me I was already working on an issue. When I asked about that I was told yes it was getting better but for how long!!!! As for affection...no there was no change and I told him last tonite that he is not the only one at fault here. I explained that the one nite he held me...just held me because that is what I asked for was absolutely wonderful. I explained affection works two ways and my idea of affection is not coming to me when you only want sex. I like to be held, kissed on the cheek, hold my hand...without feeling like I had to perform... should I have told him...yes!! Does this justify looking for someone else...no. I am a person in my own right...I am the person he chose to marry 21 years ago. And my idea is a marriage is a partnership. You do not hurt one another...As for the question do I still keep myself attractive and desirable...yes. What does Ms. Computer have that I don't supply for him....beats me. Since my marriage has been reduced to how many times he gets scr**ed obviously she fills in the shortfalls. I have concluded that what I am living with is a very selfish person. I posed this question to him....even if you feel I have faults why is it easier to walk away than make any attempt to tell me or allow me the courtesy of time for change. I have concluded that he is on his own little path and will let nothing get in his way. Each and every time he has pushed me to the point of emotional bankruptcy he decides he needs to have space. If so why does his space always include her. My point tonite was that I was no longer going to be the only working on this marriage... it takes two and he obviously does not want to. As for retaliation the thought has crossed my mind but to be quite honest she never did this to me he did. And this young lady has more on her plate than I would ever want....30 yrs old three children from three fathers none of which she married, living in a trailer. My husband says he needs to feel wanted and she fulfulls that need.....can you imagine why??!! Oh yes she is also unempolyed. As for scaring him with the reality of what life will be like if we divorce...done that (short of a lawyer). Woke him up momentarily. But then up come those needs...as for her...anything she gets is more than she has so she won't complain. I am steady in my resolve to care for myself and my daughter and have faced the fact that it may be alone. I do know I can do it....but don't want to. I will continue to hang in there living one day at a time.
<p>Kathy

It's a new day and I re-read my post from last nite. I answered that post while feelings of hurt and anger were at the top. But and this is especially for Bruce...I think you need to understand where I am sitting. Facts - married 21 years, one child 14, He is 43 I am 42. Home, two cars both work and live comfortably. What I have realized that over the last 21 years I have taken on the burden of responsibility...cooking cleaning banking care of house, home and those in it. My husband on the oother hand went to work came home occaisionly went to his second job, (umpire -referee) when he wanted to. Oh yes he mowed the lawn and took out the garbage. He had no responsibility. Was this my fault, maybe to a point. SHould I have demanded more...maybe. Did he feel left out of various things, I think so....but understand that anything I did we discussed. Any issue on money was discussed, all the books were out there to be looked at. I never was sneaky or deceptive in anything I did. I think it is very easy after so many years to fall into patterns and accept them. Can they be changed...yes. Basically he did not make any decisions in his own life. And when a decision was to be made we discussed it. Take for instance we wanted to put a new kitchen in. We saved for 8 years and researched for a year to make sure we got what we wanted because we knew that the end result was something we would have to live with and wanted to do it right. To buy a computer he researched and waited til what he wanted came along at the right price and time. A car....3 months looking before purchase. So basically this is not a man that does things on the spur of the moment...until now. I think part of what he is grappeling with is that for once he made a decision (albeit destructive) without thought to all of the ramifications and does not know how to undo what he has done. What I find in this insanity is that he wants me to make decisions for him even now such as throwing him out. I will not do that...I have told him that he got himself into this mess and if he wants out he must make the first move. So he starts to play manipulative games, bringing me to a point of breaking and will turn it around and say he really should leave because this is not fair to you!!! and promptly picked up and went to his parents house. This was on a Monday....I then went into the computer and found a letter to ms. computer stating that he would not be able to see her on Saturday but would see her on Wednesday....written the Friday prior. You see he had started this pushing the wed prior. So basically I was set up...get her to break let her think I'm doing the right thing and I can do what I want. I have found that this need for her is cyclical. So basically I think that is why I am now being told he needs space. Time to see ms. computer. And if he's not in the house morally he doing nothing wrong. Never mind that your married.... I would truly love to be able to check out of life but you see I don't have that liberty. While he is finding himself life still marches on. And since I have done the lion's share he rests assured that all will be well. That is really a sad testament to any one's life. He has no idea how to even cash a check much less what goes into keeping it all together. I am not intending to make myself out to be a saint but we all do what has to be done to get us thru life. I had likened his affair to an addiction....and still beleive this is his course. Like an addict he will do whatever gets him to his drug of choice...it doesn't matter who is hurt or what is lost and pointing out how destructive this drug is (ms. computer) does not do anything to stop the need. I realize this is a new and open wound and only time will tell where I will be in his life but I can no longer be a co-dependent in his behaviour. In any relationship you can find fault and add to the fact that you have done something wrong you will at every juncture attempt to justify what you have done. I do beleive this is where he is at and will no longer ask what I have done thereby assisting his justification of what he has done wrong. I have too many things in life to look forward to and to be systimatically torn apart is not doing me any good. I beleive I was a good wife/partner (not perfect, but who is) a good mother, respected and liked by co-workers and most of all I like me. Do I have faults, who doesn't, but I am not so closed minded that I can not and will not see another side of anything.

Kathleen, Although I have no advice to offer you, I completely agree with everything you stated. You seem to be a very strong person. The one comment I can make is that it seems like your husband may be suffering through some sort of mid-life crisis. This can be hard. I know because I believe my husband is too. We are also seperated at this time. I wish you the best and I truly hope everything works out for you.

Kathleen,
<p>Dawn put it very succinctly. Mid-life crises seems to be the only explanation, although it certainly is no excuse. Your husband some how has lost sight of the fact that the commitment you both made is a life long deal. To simply walk away from it is surely a sign that he has been allowed to take advantage of you for far too long. It's time to take a stand, my dear, not just for yourself, but for your daughter as well.
<p>As far as Ms. Computer, well easy does it, but I would certainly entertain the idea of dropping her a line and letting her know that maybe she is lacking what we all need, morals, values, and alot of self-esteem. Although your husband has to accept the bulk of blame in this situation, surely she deserves some recrimination.
<p>If you truly love this man then do all you can to work through it, but not at the cost of your own self respect.
<p>As far as getting into some sort of competition with Ms. Computer, don't. Merely be who you are, and who you want to be. Stay strong and don't give into anger or jeolousy.
<p>Maybe counseling? I'm not sure if any of this helps but those are my thoughts. You sound as though you are a thoughtful, loving wife and mother, but as you said, who among us is without fault.
<p>Stay strong.
<p>In Friendship,
<p>John_98

Kathleen:
<br>1. Didn't mean to be offencive. There's the blah, blah, blah world and the real world. I think we all know the idealistic, romantic "Lorretta Young" way that marriage is supposed to be. In most cases it's not.
<br>I wasn't talking about ageing together, sickness etc. I was talking "letting yourself go". If it were an ideal world, all the unkempt, fat men and women out there would be married. If it were an ideal world you wouldn't be in this mess, but you are. That's reality, like it or not. (Perhaps it's the "demon" in me or perhaps I care enough to say something tough) You can get caught up in the "rightiousness" of your position or you can roll up your sleeves and go to work.
<br>2. Marriage is a partnership. Anything one partner does effects the other as they go through life. You may have grown into the most perfect woman on the planet and THAT will have an effect on your marriage. (Maybe good, maybe bad)
<br>3. If men and woman knew how to use their vocal cords and communicated their needs, desires, goals, troubles etc. I would guess the vast majority of failed marriages would never have gotten into trouble. This is why I think some sort of middle man/councillor could help get you two communicating outside your normal unsuccessful channels.
<br>4. Without a doubt your husband is the bad guy in this senario. Without a doubt he's lost control of himself. The question I ask is what can YOU do to straighten the situation out. This means "you" have to make changes to the way things have been in your life. You have no choice, his behavior has forced it. It's probobly not fair, but it's your's to deal with. You don't know what's triggered this whole mess, that's why I suggested outside help if you want to stay married to him. (Divorce is very tough on kids and radically changes your life forever so I suggest you save your marriage if possible)
<br>5. I hope I've given you something useful. If nothing else you seem to be getting more responses. You have to remember the source of all this information. Nobody here has any professional training. Take what works for you, but you've done the right thing by getting help from a pro. Well I've done my defencive thing. Wish you the best. Good Luck. Stay strong. - butch

Butch,
<p>Thanks for your response and trust me I do not easily offend. I have been asked and have had suggested to mesuch a variety of things that I almost find it comical. From maybe you need sexy lingere,(to the person who asks do you know for a fact that I don't have any) to maybe you should cut back your hours at work, (I work 40 hours flex time both in the office and at home) maybe you should plan a romantic dinner, or plan a weekend away. Hello out there I am not the one that did anything wrong here so why am I being told to do something to fix it. I have tried reasoning talking but I have learned that this does not work when the other person is not listening. Take our latest conversation....he needs space. I asked what that meant and what he felt he would find in that space....answer...I don't know. I asked what was it he could not handle walking into to this house each nite where he appears to be functioning....hits the computer is on the phone sits and eats dinner takes a nap generally just living the good life. His final answer was that he was not happy with me. My answer than please go and find that space you need....and is the point to find out if you will be happier with out me or lonely with out me.....his answer I don't know. At some point in the evening will driving my daughter to one of her activities it struck me. This is wonderful....I just left him laying on the couch while I continue to run around and he has the liberty to decide if he needs space...and at no point in his finding space is the reality that life still goes on. I came back and asked that question...while your gone I assume that I am to be expected to hold it all together and just hand you money and you can live and breath as you wish. His reply oh no...I'll be around during the day and I'll just sleep there at nite. Well isn't that special....but no thank you. I told him that if he makes the choice to find space that will be his choice and he will not come and go as he pleases in that time period. Is this an ultimatum...maybe but the reality is as I have stated I am willing to work this out any way possible but I will not be a doormat (emotionally or physically) He has such difficulty talking and part of it is that ego that has to justify wrong doing. I have been open and honest on all levels but when you are talking to a wall the wall will not respond. Will he find his space....I don't know....he keeps accusing me of saying he has some master plan in all of this. I truly beleive he does......it's that time again for Ms. Computer to rear her head again and again he is pushing for space. I will not allow him to push me so that I push him. As I said to him tonite...grow a set of b***s and take responsibility for your own actions and stop leaving it to me. Tommorow is another day and putting it all in perspective I found out about the affair Aug 23....seems like years but in reality is short to what I have been reading....well I'm running on here but thank you again for responding...I do not take offense as I earlier said, each and every one of us is entitled to their opinion. Alto I did like Kimberly's answer....she is correct it is not mine to fix if I don't know what is broken. Tell me and I will try my best and if is not good enough then you have a right to walk....but not before giving me a chance. The saddest part in all of this is that when really pushed his answers are shallow....I truly beleive that you could find fault with anyone if you wanted to bad enough to justify your own actions. He asked me if I hated him....no because I can forgive and even all that has been done to me I cannot find fault with him (well there is that little indiscretion, but I am willing to work past that) but not if that is not what he wants...at the moment it doesn't look that way
<p>Kathy

John,
<p>Thank you for your reply....mid life crisis has been thrown around a bit lately, maybe. But your are correct no matter what I deserve respect and will not allow this to cost me my own self respect. At this point I think I am dealing with selfishness, unabashedly.
<br>As I have stated before I truly love my husband and am more than willing to work it thru but I cannot do this by myself. I am willing to give it some time, how long, I don't know but will keep you posted.
<p>Kathy

Maybe I need to clarify to both John and
<br>Kathleen. In NO way did I mean to imply in my post that a mid-life crisis was an excuse for anything! Nor is it reason to lose ones'
<br>self respect. It was just a suggestion for a possible cause, NOT an excuse for inexcusable behavior. As I also stated, my situation is very similiar to Kathleen's. I have been separated for 3 mths. The only thing I do know for sure is that you must take care of yourself.

Dawn,
<p>I'm sorry I did not mean to say that you were implying anything. At first when I found out I too beleived that mid life crisis was the issue but after the past few nites I have come to beleive that is no longer the case. Actually mid life crisis may have propelled this situation but I beleive selfishness is keeping it afloat.
<p>Kathy

Hi Kathy!
<br>I've read the majority of your post(s). I don't understand nor can I comprehend what is going on with todays men and marriages. I'm sorry guys. I know it's not just men. Women cheat too. Kathy I've been praying every night for all the marriages in the entire world and the image of the Man. It seems like everyone is having problems. If the third party would consider the feelings of the married woman/married man that is being betrayed, then marriages would be more stable today.
<p>There is a lot of disrespect and low self-esteem going on in our society. Some people are out for #1. Guess what? A man reap exactly what he sows! If you cheat, you'll be cheated.
<p>I've read some messages from men whose wifes have left or leaving them. Why don't you men talk some sense into the men who are cheating that have faithful wives.
<p>Kathy, I too am going through a rough time in my marriage. I decided to end my marriage. I'm tired! I dated my husband on and off for 7 years before we married with one problem after another. It's still hell! Trust is ZERO! But I have faith in GOD that if my marriage is to be then GOD will intervene and work it out on my behalf. Have some Faith, not so much in what your husband is saying to you or your own personal feelings, but give it to GOD! Love yourself and your daughter. People don't understand that all of this betrayal plays on YOUR emotions and self-respect. Do things to pamper yourself through these hard times. Be around positive people that can care for you and comfort you.
<br>A bad marriage can turn you into a vengeful and evil person. Don't let it destroy you, but let this experience make you into a stronger person. Listen to me. Sound like some medicine for myself.
<br>God Bless you!
<br>[Equality]

Dear Equality,
<p>It seems like years ago when I amde that post. Actually it seems like years that this whole mess is going on. I ahve no control over what has happened in the past few months but I have resolved that I will take control of what happens in the future. My husband knows of my desire to make our marriage work but for the moment chooses another path. I have stregthened myself for myself and my daughter. And I am confident that I can handle what ever happens. I agree if people would just think oftheir actions most of us would not need to vent here. I'm so sorry that you were not able to work out your marriage. But I do realize that we all have to come to a point and say enough is enough, I'm not ready for that even with the knowledge that the affair is still going on. The man that has doen this to me is not the man I once knew. And even if there comes a day when he comes and tells me that he wants a divorce I know in my heart I will love him. I will be terribly hurt but hurt is not replaced with hate. I cannot conceive of loving someone for so many years and suddenly hate them. True I may come to the conclusion that our marriage must end but that point will come when I reach the point your at. I am emotionally battered as far as my marriage is concerned but must greet each day with hope until I can no longer. My prayers are with you.
<p>Kathy

Kathleen--What a nightmare. My prayers are with you. I once went through a divorce from a man who was an alcoholic, abusive, held 23 jobs in the two years we were married, and almost certainly cheated on me. He most definitely deserted me and our son. Despite that, we spent a year and a half trying to find a resolution once we were separated. This included counseling, attempts to have him treat his addictions, dates, etc.--all done because I wanted it (he claimed to want it too, but spent most of his time being selfish and pointing fingers at me--I was the strong one, just like you). You know what all this did for me? It gave me the confidence to walk away with my head held high and my heart at peace, knowing I tried everything to make the relationship work and to keep him happy. I guess what I am trying to say is that I COMPLETELY understand the feelings of not wanting to have to put the first effort forth because, darn it, it just doesn't seem fair, but be aware that if you don't, you may later feel that you let those 21 years slip away without a fight. Your husband is making some BIG mistakes right now. I don't know why...it could be a mid-life crisis, depression, or maybe he's been a closet selfish jerk all of these years and it's finally coming out. As a woman, I feel the righteous indignation you must feel for your situation. IT STINKS and it's NOT FAIR. But then God didn't promise us life would be easy--he just promised he'd be there for us and would not give us more than we could bear. He must think you are pretty strong to have given you this. You sound very strong, and organized, and all-together. I too, am like this, most of the time. My own new husband (this one's forever) are having some VERY BAD struggles in this area right now because I want us to share the load, not to have me be in charge. He's supposed to be the head of the household, right? But how can even respect them when they do DUMB, inconsiderate, outrageous things like this? I don't know. I'm having a hard time with exactly what I'm suggesting you do---letting go of the anger and doing the giving until he starts giving in return. The MB site talks about this and says YOU (and me) have to make the first step if you want to fix things--I'm mad and scared he won't respond (I've tried periodically, but apparently not for ling enough periods),too. I'm especially mad because I thought that men were supposed to be the "stronger" ones (according to the Bible, we ARE the weaker vessels...I haven't reconciled with that yet) so they should make the first move, right? Well, whether or not I figure it out is irrelevant, and depending on your hubby's problems, it may be irrelevant for you too, but all I wanted to point out is that you need to make sure that you do whatever it takes to make things work so that you won't feel guilty later on, or it could haunt you. Also, I was concerned for your daughter and how much she knows---be carefel and watch her closely. She may need your help dealing with this. I know you know this and you are certainly the expert on your kids, but as a teacher, I've seen a lot of kids "handle" things on the surface and be breaking up inside. Take yourself, for example. If your daughter is any bit as strong as you, I'll bet she can handle a lot before breaking down. Take care of yourself. Try reading the info. on this site for good ideas and try to catch hubby on a good day to see if he'll try them. An outside solution may be all he needs to break his destructive cycle. If it doesn't work, then kick him out and work from there. So what if YOU are deciding---a good, swift kick in the heinie (an ultimatum), may be what he needs. If you still want him, refuse to sign divorce papers, but don't continue to let him call the shots by allowing him to mooch off of you and be a BAD example to your daughter. You deserve better and if he decides to cop out and leave, then he has to be man enough (and sorry enough) later to tell you he wants to reconcile. You can keep the lines of communication open without taking it on your ear. I hope I haven't offended you in any way. I am truly sorry for your situation and I hope you will find some relief from it soon. Take care of yourself (maybe you and you daughter could take time off for a girls-get-spoiled-at-a-spa weekend or something...heck, seeing you enjoying youself without him could give him a big jolt, and it wouldn't be bad for your state of mind either!) Good luck.

Dear Heather,
<p>It was so long ago that I posted this, or actually it seems like years so much has happened since the, I did post on one of the forums later that same week I think that I decided to take care of my self. But I will bring you up to speed. My husband came home shirtly after that post and we (I) did alot of talking but you still insisted that he needed time away to sort his life out. He stayed for a while and I guess I hoped all would begin to work out since he was making no move to leave. But it started to become apparent that the OW wasn't out of the picture...he hadn't seen her due to the fact that she is too far away and he would have to figure out how he was going to lie again but I suspected that he was in touch with her. He also became somewhat of hotel guest in the house....here I was living life as usual cooking doing laundry taking care in genral as always and he was quite comfortable with this situation. He had everything he could possibly want as far as the comforts of home but absolutely no emotional attachment. I could no longer stand it and asked one day when would he be leaving to find himself. Since he seemed very comfortable at home it must be me he needed to get away from. He then told me he had already spoken to a friend and was cosidering the move the following week he just wasn't sure when. He did leave of his own accord on October 12th. And I stress of his own accord because throughout this entire fiasco each and every move he made was because I did something. I told him that if he was to leave it had to be his own decision and if he was to come back this time it was to either resolve whatever issues were in our marriage he felt need to be resolved or to disoolve it but I would not have him come back out of convience. On October 12th I posted that I was very calm....and it really bothered me...the first time he left I was a basket case ...stayed out of work for a week, lost weight....this time though it was calm and no regrets. Don't mis-understand me....I love my husband dearly but I was no longer going to shoulder this by myself. I gave all I had and will continue to try to pull our marriage together but it is easier for me now. I do not have the emotional abuse of someone next to me that does not want to be there, or walk into my own house to someone that barely acknowledged I was there. I have done nothing wrong. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and I agree right now he is in selfish mode. I also feel that he is addicted to this person. By me allowing him to live home and be comfortable I was enabling this to continue. True now that he is out of the house he not accountable to me (yes as his wife he should be) but he worked around that by getting a cell phone so if I or my daughter needed him we could reach him and never know where he is...isn't that convienent. He ahs been out of the house about a week now and we do talk daily...the first few days were just cordial but as of last nite I noted a change and questioned it. As if he wanted to talk....we did a little longer and then he asked if I had gone to see anyone (counsellor/therapist). I told him no because I was at a loss as to why I would be there. He has yet to discuss what if anything I had done to help in destroy our marriage....it actually was a veiled attempt to tell me that he needed to see someone finally. I talked again this evening and he will be calling someone tommorow. He says he is not happy and needs to find out why. I have not asked about the OW....and told him I would not...he needs to come to me and tell me he has ended it. The unfortunate part of all of this is that yes I am the stronger of the two of us and the problem solver but this one he is on his own to fix. I cannot fix this for him. His attempts to push me with anger I told him I will not fall for, because I beleive that in his mind he thinks he can push me to hate him and reject him and he would then feel justified in what he is doing. I have told him again that I love him to much to be pushed to that point so knock it off. As for my daughter yes she is very much like me and I have kept a close eye on her. She knows that I am there when she wants to talk and I will answer her as honestly as I can. And if I feel that she is withdrawing I will take whatever measures I have to to help her. She did not ask to be in this situation any more than me so it is a comfort that we do have each other. I am not in the place I want to be and do not know what the future holds but I do know that if divorce is in the offing I have done all that I could without regrets. I am in a limbo of sorts and some may say that I should just walk away but I do not feel that after 21 years of marriage you give up so easily. I do know that I will not allow my H to hurt me with his words anymore and have told him as much. I hope and pray that he gets the help or stregnth to sort out his problems and that maybe someday we can work it out.....but I know in my heart I will be ok...and will continue to fight for what I want til I see that somethings I just can't change. I hope that is not the outcome but since I am not guiding this ship I will have to wait to see the course we are on.
<p>Kathy

Hello Kathy! I hope things are better for you these days. I read your post. I hope by now your husband has seek and gone to counseling. Recently I went to a message board and I posted a response about why the cheating spouse's attitude changes towards their faithful spouse.
<p>Let me begin by saying, "We walk by FAITH, not by sight. The things which are seen are temporal, and the things not seen are eternal." As in the beginning when GOD created Adam and Eve. The two became one flesh, such as in marriage today. Well, when the cheating spouse engages in intercourse with someone other than his/her spouse the two become one flesh, not in a GODLY manner, but in fleshy and an ungodly manner that the personality of the other person which is spiteful and evil is taken on by your husband/wife that he/she treats you like a stranger.
<p>Lev 19:29 Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.
<p>Cor 6:15 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the
<br>members of Christ, and make [them] the members of an harlot? God forbid.
<p>1Cr 6:16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.
<p>1Cr 6:17 But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.
<p>1Cr 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
<p>I hope I didn't lose you. Here's something you may want to tell your husband to read. Malachi 2:16 When GOD said, "For I hate divorce." In addition, GOD said, "Don't deal treachous with the wife of your youth."
<p>I wrote a booklet with verses from the bible about the Ideal Wife and the Ideal Husband. Try reading Proverbs 31st chapter.
<br>I commend you sticking by your husband. Stay strong. Hang in there. GOD will come through for you and your daughter for the best interest of the family. Sometimes time is the best solution for resolving conflicts. I am always praying for all the marriages. Take care! [Equality]
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