I recently got married to a wonderful man, but his mother won't let him be the husband he decided to be. She lives for him and depends on him for everything from balancing her checkbook to working the VCR. I try to make my feelings known to my husband, but he defends his mother, saying he's the only one she has (his dad is away) and feels it's his obligation as a son to do the things she asks of him. I don't mind all that much most times, but resent it when she calls at all hours and expects us to spend every weekend with her. Worst of all, she sometimes leaves the house and we wind up just sitting around. My husband gets upset, but won't confront her. I love him, so what can I do?

HI! Well, my husband and I have our own share of problems, and you can bet his mom is right up there in the top ten. I'm fortunate, though, because she lives FAR away, so we don't see her often. However, at one time, we did have to see her and she sounds just like yours--she likes to be the center of attention (her husband travels a lot, too) and will go to any means to get there. It sounds like your MIL is a controlling lady--does your hubby realize this? I mean, she's not controlling in that she dresses and talks like a drill sergeant (at least I hope not!), but rather in a quiet way that uses guilt to maneuver people into doing her will. The fact that she'd LEAVE! while you were there (at her request) is proof of it---If she's got places to go, then I doubt she's as lonely as she acts. Does your husband realize she's pulling his strings? Since I've had to deal with my MIL, I'd go for the kind, yet firm confrontation, where you all sit down like grown ups and YOU set your limits (whatever they are--maybe agree to visit one weekend a month to help with repairs around the house and visit, etc., plus call every Sunday, and maybe meet halfway for lunch now and then?). Be kind and explain that you have other commitments on weekends besides her, and while she's very important to you, you're sure she has plenty of friends that need her time too--as is evidenced by the fact that she has places to go and things to do even when you visit. If she's not sure she has enough to do, help her find a few activities, classes, groups to join...hey, offer to get her a membership to a recreation center(if her money is tight and yours isn't). Tell her she can call whenever she likes (maybe you're home, maybe not). Be nice, but firm. If she, or your hubby can't do that, you can always skip the nice and just be firm, though that's not very...nice. Then there's always avoidance (turn on your answering machine and make plans of your own)...but that won't solve the issue---her contolling nature---because she'd still be controlling what you're doing--avoiding her! Above all, it really pays off for ALL OF YOU if you let her know that you are grown ups and have your own lives, because just like she'd not appreciate being told where to be and when (and then not be appreciated), neither do you. You love her, but there are limits to what you'll do to prove it. Unless she has REAL problems, she'll understand, and eventually she'll respect you all the more for it. (Hey, if she's more socially active, then her life improves too, doesn't it?) Good Luck!

I know exactly how you feel about your MIL. I have been married just over one year, but we were together long before that. His mother has played a constant role in our life from smilingly "suggesting" that I give my husband an allowance to buy beer with, to telling me I can't get a puppy, or can't have children until my husband is 30 (I am older then him). I wasn't aware of really how manipulative she is until it came time to plan the wedding. She is very adept at looking busy and doing nothing and she sure knows how to get her way. Since we started having marital problems it has gotten worse. Everything is my fault. He is an alcoholic and so is his father, but "I don't let him go out and party with his friends enough. I have a uncontrollable temper. I am a control freak and I don't know how to make him happy". She comes into my house and cleans right after I have done it. She fixes my husband meals and leaves them in his vehicle at work, because I don't cook well enough.
<p>I brought it up in counseling and the advice that I got was to let it bounce off my back. If that isn't possible then I have to avoid being around them. The important thing to remember is that you are married to their baby. If you try to pit them against each other, there will be a winner. It won't be you! Your marriage is between the 2 of you. Yes she is a part of your lives, but if you allow her to form a wedge between you, she wins anyway. Now I just smile, nod in agreement and ignore. It isn't always easy, but I got my puppy.