Thank you for your heartfelt concern and your advice. I truly appreciate your time and your concern about my H my S and me. I'd like to address your post(s) point by point. I appreciate your "straight talk" and will do my best to afford you the same.<P>1. I am going to seek a new therapist next week. I have my last appointment with the current therapist next week; I will tie up some loose ends and then move on. Finding a therapist is an arduous task and I don't relish starting the search all over again. Oh well, I'll do as I must. And I will investigate both male and female counselors.<P>2. I, like you, recognize the legal right that OM has to his child. I've not stood in the way of that right. I will not ever stand in the way of his right to see S. In fact, I have said that many times in my past posts. I think it is in S's best interest and I want/welcome the relationship. I have concern over what that will do to H and to H&I, but the fact is we are in a messy situation and there are no neat ways to change that. I am ready and willing for OM and S to have a relationship. In my letter of anger to OM I did make some threats regarding him seeing S. That letter was just venting of my anger. As I said in that post, the letter was not intended to be sent. I have no intention of sending it or of following through with the threats. Sometimes I think about it because it hurts that he does not want to know S (at this time, he says it is too painful - and I do believe him). OM is the one who is choosing to not have a relationship with S. I have told him, time and again, that I will leave that door open forever. I have urged him to be in S's life and I would do whatever I could to foster a safe, comfortable, easy, loving relationship between S and all of his family members. But it is OM who says he cannot do that. His reasons are A) it is too painful to have S in his life and another father, a "full-time" father in his life also. At this time, OM cannot cope with the thought of being the weekend daddy. B) OM cannot handle seeing S and not raising him with me. OM wants to be my H and S's father. He says he will do it no other way. C) OM lives 2,000 miles away, he hates the place where I live, his family is far from me, his job opportunities are far from me, his college and graduate school are far from me. In other words, outside of S there is little incentive for him to come here. Of course I think that S is plenty of incentive. OM however, is too traumatized by he fact that he cannot be the "real" (his words, not mine) father to his son that he sees little reason to be in his life. D) OM feels it is more honorable and in S's best interest for OM to step away and let S be raised by a mother and father who are married, w/o the complications of another father. I don't agree with him - but he has made the choice and I cannot change his mind.<P>I want' to reiterate that the threat to tell S that OM is dead was just venting (in a letter he will never see) of my own pain and frustration. OM knows I'd never do that.<P>3. You are right to question my resolve to remain with H. I guess I could lie about this - I sure as hell would get less grief from MB if I were less honest. No, I am not totally sold on my marriage. I never claimed to be. I am attempting to stay, learn, grow, and most importantly WAIT AND SEE what happens here. I don't know how much you know about my H from other posts, but he isn't the model H or father. I don't know if I want to be with him forever. Is that so wrong? Do I have to know right at this moment? Can't I take some time to see how he and I recover? To see if we are willing or able to do what it takes? I do know that I am not satisfied with him, that he does not meet my needs, that he does not tell me his needs (how can I meet them if he does not communicate them?), and we don't have a very "blissful" home. I am here now, in order to give things a chance to change. That takes time, right? Look, I have to make some changes too. I have to get through w/d of OM, I have to try and find love for H, and I have to do some growing up. That is going to take me some time. Gosh, everyone is so anxious to demand that we betrayers give the betrayed some time to change and to recover, but it seems as if I (the betrayer) am supposed to flip some magic switch and just fall head over heals in love with H and become his instant maidservant. The fact is that I stopped loving H long before OM entered the picture. The reasons I stopped loving H in the first place have to do with H, with me, and with our relationship; NOT with OM. I didn't meet OM and THEN stop loving H. OM didn't take me away from H, I was already gone. Sure, falling in love with OM made things much worse, but things were very bad already (have you read the "History" section of my post?<P>4. Yes, my heart is entangled with OM. It took a while for it to get that way. It remained entangled for 2 1/2 years. It is going to take some time for me to untangle it. Gosh, I terminated the relationship 6 weeks ago. The wound is still pretty raw. I am sorry to disappoint, but I can't just forget him and move on like it was nothing. <P>5. I know hate is not the answer to getting OM out of my heart. Anger, closely related to hate, is a stage in recovery. As I stated somewhere yesterday, the term "hate" comes from the Greek word that means "to grieve a loss." That is what I am doing. I am grieving the loss of the only man I ever really loved, the loss of my marriage as I knew it, the loss of trust in and from H, the loss of the father of my son, the loss of my innocence, the loss of the woman I thought I was before I cheated, the loss of the woman I found in myself through OM, the loss of my friend, the loss of my dreams, the loss of a pure relationship with H, and on other personal accounts - the loss of my youth (turning 31 hit me in a strange and brutally unexpected way), the loss of my career (to stay home with S), the loss of contact with adults, the loss of the woman I thought I was or the woman I had defined myself as for a very long time, and most confusing of all the loss of my faith in God. This isn't to say there aren't gains (motherhood, a new chance, etc). But, I'm going through an awful lot right now.<P>6) I'd rather not write a romance novel. All of the really timeless romance stories ended tragically.<P>7) You suggested that perhaps I am not ready to have either OM or H in my life. I agree. Right now, I feel that I need to be alone. I want to be alone. If I stay with H, then I am going to need to get away for a while. If I leave him, I fully intend to live alone for 6 months. I don't know if OM will be in my life at that time or not. I just know I need to be alone.<P>8) Hate is not the answer. I know that. I don't plan to stay here forever. I know that "forgiveness brings life." I'll get there. I will. But I have to honestly go through the steps and stages. If I throw out the words "I forgive you" now, they wouldn't be sincere. The fact is I don't forgive OM. I don't forgive myself. I don't forgive H. When I do I will say so. Until then, I'm just being honest with the way I feel. I am absolutely furious with H, OM, and myself.<P>9) I've not been dishonest with H about my feelings. He knows where I stand. I don't think I've love busted by being dishonest. H knows I am in limbo. H knows I am in w/d from OM. H knows that I still feel very strongly for OM.<P>10) I am not angry as I say this, but Ramy, I don't appreciate the accusation that I come here simply for attention and that I do nothing to change. I don't come here simply for attention. I come for advice (and I actually give some too), I come to vent (I thought this place was safe for that), I COME HERE SO I DON'T GO TO OM, I come here for support, validation, redirection, prayer, encouragement, perspective, and event to try and understand H a little better. When I signed up, I thought those reasons were acceptable. As for the changes I've made - I think that growing from complete love with OM to hating him is a step. (Yes, fine line, yadda yadda). I think that telling the moving company to not come and take my packed boxes (yes, they were one day away from coming), to actually unpacking a few boxes is a change. I think that removing the moratorium on sex and doing it because it meets H's needs, is a step. And I damn sure think that I deserve some credit for going 6 weeks w/o contacting OM! Okay, I've not retaken my marriage vows, and I've not filed for a divorce. But do I have to do those things to consider myself having made "progress?"<P>11) I deeply appreciate the fact that you have defended me against others who were ugly. I don't consider your posts to be ugly or harsh. Direct, yes. Appropriate, yes. Harsh, not really. Ugly, no.<P>12) I do have some repentance. I don't think it is fair (or right) for you to judge my heart and say "what I see absent is any true repentance." I repent for having an affair. I repent for the lies. I repent for hurting H so deeply. I repent for the confusion I've brought to 4 lives. I repent for hurting the heart of Jesus. I'm still working on some areas. I don't regret loving OM - not yet at least. I regret what that love did to others, but I don't regret having it. I don't regret having S - and I never will. I regret the circumstances, but certainly not him. So, maybe to reach total repentance I have to regret and repent of loving OM and of having S. If so, maybe I'll never really repent. I also have not repented of my anger toward God. While I know I have harmed my relationship with Jesus, I am not sure that I want to reenter into a relationship with him. I'm just not sure I buy this whole Christianity thing anymore. I guess it ceased to make sense to me.<P>13) "You don't love your husband, you tolerate him." If you can direct me to the "magical I love my H switch" I'll be happy to flip it. No, I don't love him. Yes, I tolerate him. I'm giving it some time to see if and how we both change and grow. At this point we are both so hurt that we have a very hard time dealing w/the other. My counseling has helped some. My time here has too. H tries to do some things too, but he will not come here and he will not go to counseling. He has reluctantly read the first 100 pages of SAA. He tends to use that against me more than anything else. <P>Ramy, thank you again for your thoughtful replies. I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I really did think it was important to reply separately to you. Again, thank you for caring.<BR>FC<BR>
