My boyfriend of four years has full custody of his two middle-schoolers. Complicated factors (abandonment by<br> the mother, a disfiguring accident involving the girl, a protracted period during which he didn't date) has<br> resulted in an unusual degree of closeness (even enmeshment) among them. This has made our relationship<br> exceedingly difficult for me. Because our child-rearing philosophies differ markedly (he's very lenient, I'm<br> authoritative), we decided early on that marriage/blending would be too problematic and that it would be best to<br> leave things as they are for now. However, I feel increasingly left out and even pushed aside by the intimacy the<br> three of them share. Although he claims to love and respect me, any suggestions or opinions I offer (even my<br> feelings, it seems to me) are dismissed as those of one who "doesn't understand kids." I'm continually told that<br> the kids (discipline, etc.) are his concern alone and that I'm being hypersensitive, but this sense of exclusion<br> hurts and angers me to the point that I very much resent the kids (they're constantly competing with me for his<br> attention - and winning) and every little thing sets me off; the tension is taking a toll on our relationship, and I<br> fear we won't survive if we can't reach some resolution on this issue. Help!!! <br>

This is probabley not what you want to hear but any issues you have in my opinion pale in comparison to the needs (real or otherwise) of the children. It sounds like they have had a tough go of it and statistically they already have less of a chance than most at leading normal lives in terms of abilities to maintain relationships etc. I think in this case you have to just play the cards you are dealt or find another game. Children are far more important.

Point well taken, but wouldn't it help the kids enormously (in terms of seeing a normal relationship modeled) if their father demonstrated the art of caring/sharing/negotiating/getting on with life? They've had it tough, alright, but I don't think catering to their wants and needs (to the exclusion of those of all others') is healthy in the long run; just an opinion!