My wife and I met over the net chatting, over a year and a half ago and were engaged before we met in person- I'm a full time student and during my summer break, flew out to the other side of the country to be with her and it was the most incredible and wonderful summer of my life. After the summer, when I came back to school, my still fiancee at the time found out that she was pregnant, so I started working as much as possible at school to save money, but this strained our relationship because I thought I was serving all of her needs because I was trying to provide for us financially, but the strength of our relationship, the emotional needs we'd been filling for one another declined sharply. As we had more and more problems, she turned to another man on the net, eventually developing feelings for him, but didn't tell me, only saying that they were friends. We fought constantly during this time, which only seemed to make things worse. Sadly, she miscarried, and I missed being with her throughout the entire ordeal because I couldn't get away from school and work. Finally, a short while afterward, less than a week or so after the miscarriage, I was able to fly out there during my Fall Break from school and we were married during that time. Upon returning to school, the change in marital status made it possible for me to receive extra financial aid and, with it, to move her across the country to be with me. Along the way, she met some friends from the net, including this other guy that she had feelings for- I knew that they were meeting and trusted her, but I didn't know about the feelings or I wouldn't have allowed her to share a hotel room with him, etc. Anyway, when she arrived, she finally told me that she had feelings for him- I was devastated; this was only about a month after we'd been married! I didn't know how to handle it, to be honest, and couldn't let it go- I did at first, but still needed to talk about it to understand how it could have happened to avoid the situation in the future, but she wouldn't talk about it and felt I was rehashing the past. I finally couldn't take it and went through her ICQ history and learned things that I just didn't want to know- nothing had happened between them, but it was obvious for as long as she knew him that he had wanted something to and that she had withheld this from me. It hurt alot and when I told her about my act of spying, she no longer trusted me. I became more engrossed in school and as time went on and I gave more of my attention to school and less to her- yet still more than I could often afford to give with the demands of school work- she turned to chatting more and more, even giving out our phone number for people on-line to call. Most of the people she chatted with were men, many of which seemed very interested in her. At this point, she began to keep her chatting from me- changing her e-mail password, not letting me see the computer screen while chatting, etc. and the situation kept getting worse. It got to the point that she would start chatting to one guy at 1am at night, when he returned to his home from work, and would be up for a few hours on the computer and then the rest of the night on the phone until 6 or 7 am. I couldn't take it at all- I finally just left whenever she talked to him and would only return when she was done; it was too painful to hear her talk to him as she hadn't spoken with me for a long time and she seemed to feel I was being ridiculous for being jealous. Finally, she wanted to have a break from the constant fighting with us and wanted to fly out to stay with him, which I refused, so she gave me a choice: to let her go there and be with him for a week or two, or she was going to leave and stay with family until I graduated, which meant that she was moving back to the other side of the country away. I refused to make a decision and didn't agree to the terms, so she decided to stay with family. Then, she decided to meet him along the way; he decided to drive down and they were going to hang out together for a few days along her way to be with her family. I resisted, even offering an ultimatum of my own- that if she left, we were over. Needless to say, she left, and met him. Soon afterward, she found out what a jerk he was, just as with the last man she had been vulnerable to- and they no longer are in contact; as a matter of fact, she doesn't chat at all. She says nothing happened with these guys and I believe her- I don't feel she cheated on my physically, only emotionally. Now she has developed an entire life for herself, with friends, etc, where she is with her family, many of her friends of course are single guys whom she seems to turn to talk about her relationship with me, in the same manner as she did with the internet guys. And now she says she feels as they do, that either you are married and together or divorced and over, and has decided that she doesn't want tobe in a limbo separated relationship any longer. This happened over the course of several fights over the phone and such, but she has decided that she no longer wishes to stay married, that we don't make each other happy, that she's happy with who she is and doesn't want to change, and that she doesn't like who I am and feels I haven't changed- and, even if I have (which I feel I have changed considerably) she won't give me a chance to show her. At this point, she gets upset when we talk on the phone, and, even though she wants to be friends, treats me more like an enemy than a friend. I'm finishing school in about a month and wanted to move out to the same city to try to work things out, but she is adamant that she doesnt' want to see me and says she'll even move to another city if I go there! understand about filling emotional needs and we both stopped filling each other's a long time ago and it's a scary thing that, after almost 7 months of marriage, about half of which have been spent apart as together, things have gotten to this point. I love my wife very much, and she says she loves me, but that that isn't enough. I know she cares, but she won't give me a chance to prove myself to her- I would honestly do anything to save my marriage; nothing is more important to me, and am quite desperate at this point for help. I'm starting to feel if she lets go of us, that I won't be able to forgive her, and that scares me, because I can forgive almost anything- and have since forgiven everything that has happned between the two of us. My problem is that for so long I responded quite poorly by being jealous- even to the point of yelling at her and saying cruel things (which I honestly didn't intend the way that she has taken them), but I was hurt and it felt like I was replaceable throughout our marriage. At this point, though, she won't even listen to me at all, doesn't want to talk about us, says that we're completely over and have no chance, etc. I accept much of the blame for what has happened between us- in many ways, one could even say it is all my fault, but I want a chance to make things right. I've never had something so precious before in my life- for over a year we've been overall quite great together, but the net tore us apart, my jealousy and her desire to fill her emotional needs I wasn't meeting tore us apart-and she's given up; worse, she makes it seem like I'm trying to hurt her for holding on. I've never been more serious when I said my marriage vows and I still mean them and would say them again on the spot, despite everything that has happened, yet I have never felt so unwanted by anyone, especially not my wife, especially at the point where I realize how make things better between us than they ever have, if only given the chance. How do I get through to her? I can't move there without her help, because I need her help with car to carpool to work, look for jobs, etc, even if we have separate apartments. I was thinking of saving money, buying one and then going out there, etc, but it worries me that she's trying so hard to have distance from me and that I'm making her decision for divorce easy, even though I disagree with it so strongly. Should I try visiting, etc? She seems to feel that I would be on my best behavior for a little while until I got my way and that would be it, from what she has said in the past. After she'd left, I went out to be with her during my Spring Break from school, and things were overall quite great- we had some fights toward the end because I quite stupidly expected her to tell me what mistakes she'd made after I'd been telling her my mistakes with us forever and she didn't. At this point, I don't expect anything, if anything, I expect her to try to hurt me to protect herself and try to have her freedom- any signs of love she gives are very reluctant and painful for her and yet so very cherished by me.do I win my wife back? How do I get the chance I want? I'm not worried about jobs and such- I'm very versatile in that respect because I'm graduating from a great college with two degrees, so relocation isnt' a problem, if I can save the money for a car to use so I wont' have to rely on her, which she absolutely doesn't want. She feels that it's not normal for an ex husband to want to move to be with his ex wife (her words) and that if I move there, she feels I will pressure her all the time, etc, which I absolutely will not- I just want a chance to show her, though, and I know that being so far distant hurts my cause, because she can see and think whatever she wants from thousands of miles away, and with other men there to have fun with when things are at their worst between us., I really need help with this- any words of advice would be great- I want her to be happy, but I know her and I'm the only person she will ever meet that is willing to give everything that I can to make her happy. How can I get through to her when she won't listen to me, says we're over, and gets upset when we talk about us? Thank you for all of your help; I can't tell you how appreciated it is!<p>[This message has been edited by JMA (edited April 27, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

It is obvious you are really hurting. I am very sorry.<P>I agree with Holly, about the seeming pattern that your wife seems to meet men on the net. I wonder about her motivations for this...it seems to me that she is possibly too immature or not ready for a REAL relationship, and those on the net are much easier, more romantic, etc because they are fantasy...they are not 24/7 real life, with all the daily hassles and problems that come along with that. Then, when she actually meets these men and tries to have a real relationship with them, it is not perfect so she moves on.<P>You do not say how old either of you are, but if your wife is over 25 I would be very suprised. She sounds very immature. And you say several times during your post that it is mostly or all your fault. I don't see that at all. You say you react jealously...well, who wouldn't? Yes, I am sure you contributed and have your own issues you must deal with, as we all do. However, I personally do not believe that having intimate relationships with other people of ANY KIND (physical, emotional, at work, pen pals, on the net, whatever) is justifiable and EVER right. That is a gross betrayal and violation of the trust and team that the two of you are supposed to be. Furhtermore, I think anyone who has their own marriage and relationship to deal with and still spends as many hours on the net as she seems to, needs serious help. In my opinion, anyone who spends hours chatting with other people on the net has some serious problems with actual relationships and relating to other people. Does she have any close personal relationships (with girl friends, siblings, etc?)<P>To be completely honest with you, it seems to me that you rushed into this marriage WAY too fast. I don't care if you talked on the net for however many months before meeting and marrying....yes, you can get to know a person very well that way, but like any long distance relationship, the reality of day to day life with a person is VASTLY different. If I am understanding your post correctly, you spent some time together one summer after being engaged, and then the next time you saw each other you got married. That was your first mistake.<P>I don't know what else to tell you. My advice would be similar to Holly's. If you chase her she will run. It seems that she has a whole lot of growing up to do, and you can't force her to do it. I would work on yourself, look inside yourself and see what you can learn from this, and give your marital situation time. Next time I hope you will spend a lot more personal time with someone before you marry them!