Well, gee, Laura: look how many copies of my priceless advice you got (due to a server error)! <P>Get the message? :-)<P>God bless you, sweetie.

well, darn it! what's up with the server?<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

server problems.... sorry...<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

here we go again..... <p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

the server from hell! <p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

sorry....<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

oops.... that goofy server! <p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Retep (edited June 08, 1999).]

Ok guys. He came over last night and I played the cool wife who not needing him and only still in love with him. I dressed just as he has always wanted to see me and he said man...you look good. And then said if you went out looking like that, you could get any guy you wanted. I said..You're probably right, but I don't think I'm quite interested in that yet. <P>We talked a little, then watched the news and then all the sudden he let out this big...OH LAURA... I said what? Don't you want to be here? You can leave anytime you know. He said no, it's just the opposite. I do want to be here. Then he said there was a part of him that wanted not to be there either. Because I had hurt him. <P>I said yeah, I understand. Then I proceeded to tell him how well I was doing with my progress in not NEEDING him, and only loving him. I said that things were getting a lot easier as I make this transition. I think this worried him a little. But it does feel really good not to be so NEEDY. <P>He didn't say the unsual....I still love you, you know. He came out and said...I love you Laura, I just don't know after getting the guts up to leave you, if I can get the guts up to come back. Not exactly in those words, but that is what he meant. I told him that whatever he decided I would be A-OK, because of the new strengths that I found from this ordeal. I will make it just fine. I told him that sometimes when a person gets left, that it turns them into such a better person, that it is almost a blessing in disguise. <P>He did say that he has noticed my attitude changes and he thought I was doing very well. His problem is he is scared to come back because he says I am human and would relapse and either Hit or Lie to him again. I know this would not happen because of the new attitude I have. First of all, I don't want to argue. That reduces conflict, so no hitting out of anger. The lying is simple...just don't do it. If money is an issue, then keep it separate. If not separate, then he can be in control of that one issue because I know that after going through this he understands where I am coming from when I say I just wanted to eat lunch with friends.<P>Before he left, of course I initiated sex. Then when it was time to leave he just laid and talked lightly with me about his job and other light conversation things. Then when he was leaving he kissed me and said I love you Laura, but I need some time to think about this. I am scared to come back and everything go back the way it was. I assured him that my part would be different and he would have to decide what to do on his own, because I wasn't going to pressure him, because I would be OK either way. I told him that there were some nice perks to independence and some lonely issues too. I told him the only thing that I would hate about a not coming back decision was that I would not want to be alone for the rest of my life and I hated to bring someone else in the house someday to do the daily raising of our daughter. I told him I really think he ought to be the one to raise her. I got a little teary eyed on that one, but that was OK. <P>One thing for sure, he knows that I progressing and will someday be over him. Even if I still sleep with him, I can still progress. Everyone says if it doesn't hurt you and you're not feeling used, then you have to go with your own feelings. So right now at this point, that is what I am doing. <P>Anyone want to tell me how dumb I sound??? <P><p>[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited June 08, 1999).]

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Hi Laura -- I've spent this morning reading all these posts and agonizing in my heart with you. One thing that I have not heard mentioned, however, is forgiveness. I so understand that you want your husband and your marriage back. But what you do not want is the past hurts and mistakes you made held over your head if and when he does return. In your heart of hearts, you know you have changed. The only way it will ever go forward is if the slate is wiped clean and you are given the opportunity to live your life without being held captive by the past. I pray that your husband decides to return to his loving wife and children. But please -- do not allow this to happen if, each and every time there is a confrontation, the past mistakes are thrown in your face like salt in a wound. I made a few very serious mistakes in my marriage -- those mistakes are used against me time and time again. Whenever I raise my voice ... whenever I have a strong difference of opinion ... whenever I get emotional about anything. I know I have moved forward -- but each time these issues are thrown at me, it's as though I've received a kick to the stomach, and I'm knocked down to my lowest point. Do not let this happen to you. You are regaining strength and confidence in yourself. I pray for your happiness; I pray for your husband and your kids. Remember this, God loves you more than any of us can possibly fathom. He will sustain you through this. <P>------------------<BR>LSR

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Ok...tell me what you think now. He spent the night last night and things were very nice as usual. But now he wants to spend the night tonight. He said he enjoyed the snuggling very much and missed it greatly.<P>Like I've said before, I don't get those feelings of being used. My only problem is I miss him when he leaves again. It doesn't take me long to bounce back because as I've said, I am doing much better at not NEEDING him. He knows this too. I do mean that I can really tell that he WANTS to be there. I know why he scared. I guess I would be scared too. I mean he is afraid that I will relapse because I AM human. <P>He has to get over those fears in order to be able to want to come home. Praying is my only way to battle that. I have asked God to enlighten him as to my changes. he has started noticing too.<P>Gotta go for now.

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\<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

WEll, I've done it now. WE'll just have to see what happens. I thought I could handle the feelings that come along with him spending the entire night at my house. I couldn't. It's like watching him leave again. So I made a decision last night. The hardest decision that I've ever made in my life. I wrote him a letter and read it to him in person. Some of you will recognize some of the wording as coming from these posts. I couldn't think of the right words sometimes and you guys always said it so well. So here is the letter that I read him last night. <P><BR>Robert,<BR>You say you are scared of coming home because of my track record. Please, let me say this to you:<P>I know some things now that I didn't before and though it was a painful lesson, I'm a better person because of it. If you want to benefit in a renewed marriage, that would be wonderful. If you don't, well, from God I have finally found the strength to go on. I’m not saying that I’m closing the door yet, but I am moving on. I never believed that I would have the strength to let go, but I guess that time has come. <P>It hurts me too much to try to be your wife in all ways when you’re not even certain if you want to be my husband. If you decide to work on this marriage, we will, all aspects of it, but you have made the decision to separate in your heart. I love you, but I am giving you your wish to be separate. I will still pray for you and maybe someday you will realize that our family could be wonderful in its renewed state. But unfortunately, right now the ball is in your court on that decision. <P>I’m not pushing you away, we can still be friends, but the time has come for me to stop acting and pretending like we are still together in my mind when you don’t even know what you want. I have no idea, and I’m sure that you don’t either, about how long it would ever take you to come to a final decision, but I’m not going through this emotional limbo that I had been putting myself through anymore. I’m not saying that you did this to me, I did the limbo thing to myself, but I am also putting a stop to it myself. <P>Just know that I finally got to that point of not “NEEDING” you and now I see that it is necessary for me to detach myself from you so that I don’t ruin the love I have left for you. I don’t want to resent you. (in more plain words, but sounds too harsh….I don’t want to get into the habit of playing the weekday wife, while you play the weekend single man, while you are making a decision.) When you make a decision about what to do, just let me know. But this is the way things have to be for now.<P>I was so afraid of saying these things to you at the risk of pushing you away into someone else’s arms, but I prayed about it and God let me know that I have to let go. And if you run to someone else’s arms, then He has a better plan for me and the kids. He wants me to trust him and that is what I have to do. God Bless You Robert in all that do and may he protect you while you work.<P>Laura<P><BR>I love you with all my heart, but I just can’t put myself through this right now. If some day you decide you would like to do something fun with me, just call, I would be honored to have a date with you. <P>Ok, his reaction was a first like he thought I was trying to close the door. I told him that wasn't true, but he had to go out and make his own decision about what to do. I was giving him the space he so desparately thought he needed. Then he said....well, whatever, I'll be just fine no matter what you decide to do..... I told him that he knows what I want and that is for him to come home and he is the one who has a decision to make, not me. I now have to trust God to bring him home if that is his will for me.<p>[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited June 10, 1999).]

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Yes I do feel a little better. I definitely have some self respect out of it. And about the dating.....he would not ask for a long time anyway. I know you told me not to add anything, but I did also email this. I felt it was very important to me.<P>I need to make my changes for the better and everything, but I feel like I was focusing too much on you and our relationship. So I had to stop what I was doing so I could continue to focus on myself. I do not want to take the focus off of making myself a better person and I really feel that trying so hard with you was stealing some of those intentions away from me. As I've said, I am still a work in progress and I still need to keep progressing. So I must focus on myself and what needs to be done in my life so that I would not repeat my mistakes again with anyone. I gave US to God.... so God, my counselor and I could work on ME.<P><BR>I hope that did not blow it, but I felt it was important to say hey, I am thinking of ME for a change.

Well, I guess I have hit the anger stage. I was very plain with my husband yesterday about needing to detach and he showed up at my house yesterday to say hello to our daughter. <P>I asked him what he was doing there and he said he came by to see Sara. I told him that he must not have understood when I said that I need to detach. I said if you are here I am going to want to ask you questions about that girl that you have her phone number. So I proceeded to ask him if he was going out with her last night and he said no. He said..you are pushing and digging your own grave by doing this you know....<P>I told him that was the reason I needed to emotionally detach myself from this situation. I am driving myself and you crazy. So you need to leave because this is hurting me. What I really felt like saying but didn't was.....you know Robert...maybe you are the one digging a grave.

doesn't this stuff just suck, laura! i, too, have reached an anger stage -- not the first one in this process, but a very strong one. <P>my ballpark experience wednesday entailed more of the same mistreatment of me by my H and i won't take it anymore. i talked with my therapist about it last night and she said that this is all perfectly normal... it doesn't feel normal, though, does it? no one deserves this kind of mental anguish, huh? i, too, want to NOT live my life waiting for my H to make a decision about what he wants...<P>we'll both have to let go of the anger eventually, laura.... but until then, i refuse to be mistreated and won't submit myself to it. i am preparing a letter similar to yours and will most likely be trying to get a substitute softball scorekeeper for the rest of the season.<P>i am reading an interesting book now about the craziness of divorce which states that you'll have to go through a kind of divorce even if you stay together with your spouse in marriage -- you have divorce out of your old destructive relationship patterns together. it's an intersting (quick-read) book, a suggestion by my therapist which i rejected until now because it talks about divorce and i wanted so badly not to think about that possibility.. check it out at the library if you are interested... "crazy time: surviving divorce and building a new life" by abigail trafford.<P>God bless, laura.... keep us informed of your situation so we can all be here for each other in the tough times.... <P>see ya'