hi, everyone,<P>i have been having a really hard week and felt that i needed to come here and ask for some kind words, advice, thoughts, etc.... i have told my story in earlier posts, so i won't re-hash... <P>but i do have some more recent developments -- an update. it is soooo painful, that i am not sure that i can actually write it all down -- like admitting, for sure, absolutely positively, that these things truly happened.<P>two weeks ago on a tuesday evening, my H and i got together (he called and invited me) in the evening. we took a motorcycle ride to the lake and watched the sun set and the moon rise together. we returned to his apartment and made a bonfire in the backyard and sat and talked. i asked him where he thought we were in our relationship and told him that i have two things with which i am uncomfortable (and i tried very hard not to be overly emotional or use any love busters... i think i did well). anyway, the two issues dealt with (1) my H's inability to acknowledge my presence or treat me like someone he loves when we are "in public" with mutual friends (to which he replied "i don't know how to act. they all know our situation." and "you know i never liked public affection.") and (2) that i was uncomfortable seeing him purchase large items (for example, a brand new lawn mower and gas trimmer, a new washer and dryer, a brand new queen-sized bed) because i felt like i was getting "mixed messages" from him on how he felt about our marriage remaining intact (to which he replied "everything i bought, we need to replace anyway. if we do get back together, we can sell the old stuff and use this new stuff.")....<P>i left there in fairly good spirits, thinking about what we had discussed. i was a bit saddened, though, by my H's drinking -- he drank at least a six-pack of beer in two hours that night (upon returning from our motorcycle ride). <P>that was days and days ago.... too many days. my H plays softball on monday and wednesday nights. i do the scoring for the team. anyway, last wednesday night, he again ignored me at the softball game, sitting with his drinking friends, barely acknowledging when, trying not to let it bother me, i said "goodbye" for the night. i was out of town for the weekend then and there were no messages on my machine when i returned home on sunday. monday night: another softball game, another night on non-existence in "his world".... <P>tuesday, i saw him in his truck while i was driving home from work. i beeped the horn twice before he turned around and offered up a half-hearted wave before pulling away. i suddenly felt that this was the way that the rest of my life would be: my H and i (who know SO MUCH about each other, the little things, the personal things) would be mere acquaintances who barely wave when they see each other on the street.... "someone i used to know...."<P>last night was another night of the same old sh-- at the ballpark. and i found out that there is a softball tournament this weekend -- beginning tonite -- where i'll have to go through this again and again until my H's team gets eliminated or wins the tournament... i don't know if i can deal with it... and my H hasn't dialed my telephone number since the sunset/moon-rise/ motorcycle ride night. <P>i am so disheartened. i have not called him. i have not pushed (since we talked over the bonfire). i am afraid that he has finally made his choice. that night (sunset/moon-rise, etc) we talked briefly about our preliminary divorce hearing coming up later this month. my H actually asked me "can't we just get the divorce papers and not sign them... just let them sit forever as long as we don't sign them?" i thought (didn't say it, though) "why? so you can hold them over my head anytime you are not happy and want to do whatever you want to do without regard for me or our marriage? so you can be a 'married bachelor' for the rest of our lives?" i did tell him then the truth -- that in our state the court will allow a 90-day extension. after that point the papers must be signed and the divorce finalized OR the whole process is dropped (and if a divorce is again pursued, the whole process has to begin again with a new filing). <P>i am just so lost and am not sure where to go from here. i want my H back! i want a "normal" life again. but i have a hard time remembering when we HAD a normal life in the first place! i have done well for myself since my H left. i can be happy alone. yet i love him dearly and know that we can be happy together if that's what we both truly want. i'm so tired of "limbo land" ad being a wife when my H wants a wife and being a waving stranger when he doesn't.....<P>i know that this has not been brief. i am looking for words of comfort and encouragement. everyone here has been so helpful thus far.... i trust you all to advise me and help me get through this. thank you!

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Hello. I read your post. And I finally agree with Holly Ann. I'm not sure if I'll ever meet my husbands needs again during this separation, but for now, I have stopped.<P>It was the hardest decision that I have ever made, but let me tell you...I feel afraid and all those other panic feelings too. But that deep dwelling hurt that you feel being in limbo eases up some once you let it go. <P>I have given this over to God and have asked God to give my husband the wisdom he needs to be able to know that he can once again trust me. If he can not trust me again, then I don't want him to come home.<P>Hang in there, it is scarey, but even I, after three weeks, am feeling so much stronger because of letting go last night.<P>The ball is in Robert's court now, but I hope that God can steal it from him. (ha Ha)<P>I hope you feel better today and treat your self to your most favorite treat.

thanks, hollyann.... <P>i guess i should start to take a little more of my own advice to heart. i have read dobson's book and do really understand it and believe in it and have suggested it to some others. i guess i thought that i was practicing "tough love" by not calling him, by buying a house on my own and taking care of myself financially. i also just joined the local business and professional women club and am active with volunteerism in my city. i do try to keep busy and not contact my H and show any "pining away".... i have been doing so for a long time. but when he does ask me to do things -- the night at the lake, etc, for example -- i do it. (don't get me wrong; i don't JUMP every time he calls me...) what a fine line we walk, huh?<P>i volunteered last year at the end of the softball season -- when i would have laughed at the suggestion that i'd be in divorce proceedings in a year -- to score for the softball team this year. i have deep regrets about that now. i don't know how i can continue to see him (be ignored by him) on a regular basis and stay sane; yet i made a promise to do this and would have a hard time letting all the other team memebers down. i have had some friends suggest that i should just "bow out" and i am mulling that over now. <P>i have been on prozac before -- in college -- and have contemplating asking my family doctor for a low-dose script for it again. i just hate to do that -- as if i am admitting some sort of defeat! and i am seeing a counselor on a regular basis to deal with the alcoholism in our lives and the craziness of this marriage situation. <P>i guess "the wave" made me feel so bad... like i said, an indicator of things to come.... and things had been going so well before that. it was almost like the initial confrontation when he told me he didn't love me anymore and wished we would never have gotten married -- i was shoked and had thought that, although things could have been better, they weren't so bad. maybe my H just likes messing with my head! <P>but you are right: i know that i can and will make it through this. and should we not be married "at the end", God has something else planned for me. i sucks to feel this way, though.... <P>thanks again, hollyann. it helps to know that someone gives a sh-- and knows what it's like.

thanks, laura....<P>your strength shows me that i can do it, too... if it's ok, i think i will "steal" your idea about a letter that is read to my H with some of the same words/phrases... <P>i can't go on like this and i can see that you finally felt that way, too. God will see us through now... we must hold on to that. <P>thanks again, laura. God bless.... <BR>