Yesterday, I felt like a new woman (no relation to "new woman" haha) and posted how happy I was with the turn of events in my life. My H has been trying to show love(no lovebusters)and start our relationship anew, no matter what it took. He was still coming to my job at least once a day, but he called first and brought little gifts when he came. He was PAYING ATTENTION TO ME without being overly protective, and things seemed to be getting better over the course of the last two weeks or so. <P>And then came today. H said he wouldn't go to quack counselor (appointment was today) and sent me alone. He and I got into a total lovebuster fight this morning, where he told me that everything is my fault. He wouldn't kiss me goodbye. Of course, wouldn't you know it, today is the first and only day since breaking off with the OM that he (the OM) and I were alone in a room after a meeting. He commented that he hates that I back up every time he comes near me, and asked me what I was thinking when I did that. On one hand, I didn't even want to go there because we all know that ANY contact is bad contact. But I did. We talked for about 15 minutes and by the end of it we were both just standing there feeling awful. As I suspected, he wishes things were back to the way they were. I don't. I told him that even discussing "us" is an insult to his SO and my H. It's wrong. But there I was discussing it anyway. I never said I wanted him back (I don't) or that there was a chance in hell that we would EVER get back together, but I feel guilty and horrible all over again. First the counselor this morning basically said that the problem no longer lies with me, but with my H. Unless he will come to counseling it's gonna be tough to work out the marriage. He told me that I don't need to come back unless my H comes with me. NOW THIS with the OM!!! <P>So, yesterday was a happy day, and now today is a sad day! It makes me so MAD! What do I do with these feelings?

When you say "back to the way we were" do you mean sex?<P>------------------<BR>

Hi n_b --<P>Sorry to hear about what happened. But it doesn't seem to me like you were being a hypocrite at all! You stated to the OM that you didn't want him anymore. OK, so you were alone with him... but you DIDN'T do anything wrong! It wasn't on purpose right? You work with the guy. It's gonna happen from time to time unless you get another job. Don't be so hard on yourself.<P>Maybe your husband might've experienced some sorta flashback to his anger. Maybe something triggered it. Anyway, I think you should still stay encouraged by his recent good behavior. Reinforce that the last few days were so good for you. His anger will probably subside. You should probably calm down too... You'll have to take a different tactic in approaching councelling.<P>I'm almost exactly opposite at the moment. Yesterday I was a wreck. Really depressed. Then last night my wife and I started talking again. We had a real meaningful conversation and I had a good cry, then we had a terrific love-making session! Now we're planning to go out tonite to see a movie.<P>It's totally a roller coaster. You'll be going up again. Don't worry.<P>--andy

snooperhubby, yes, that's what the OM implied. Although, we only actually had sex once before I broke it off. But he also mentioned the laughter we had, the fun... blah, blah, blah...<P>airheart, I'm very happy for you Remember the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin? His grandma talked about life being a roller coaster and I loved that! Yes, there is hope... I can see the turn ahead!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited August 27, 1999).]

NB,<P>I wish I could promise you a road lined with roses, but it's best you brace yourself for many ups and downs on this road to recovery. Remember, you didn't get to this place overnight, so it's going to take awhile to fix things. Your H was probably having a bad day, as well. I wouldn't give up on him just yet. He needs time and patience. Some days he will feel in love with you, some days he may almost hate you. The challenge will be you trying to get through those days when he cannot hide his pain and anger and hold on until it subsides.<P>What exactly did your counselor mean when he/she said that things are now "your H's problem?" That sounds like an odd thing for a counselor to say. I know there has to be more to it, and it was taken out of context, but I'm just curious. Rarely do counselors place so much emphasis or blame on any one particular spouse. Counselors usually help us with self reflection and assist us toward becoming stronger, more focused and ultimately better people. Just curious as to what your counselor meant.<P>Hang in there!<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

I also wanted to respond and say that I find the counselors approach to be strange. I have been involved in an affair with a coworker. My husband has not chosen to go to counseling with me as of yet. The counselor still says that there is much that I can work on for myself and what caused me to have the affair. Even if my husband chooses not to go to counseling for right now, if I go and make some changes, they will bump him. Maybe he will eventually see the need to go. I would give a second thought to a counselor that said there was no need for me to come back if my husband did not come with me.

new woman,<P>here's the thing: H won't admit that his several affairs were actual affairs because he didn't have sex. They lasted over the course of years - first one woman,then another, for about 2 years. In my case, I had the one sexual encounter in a 3 month affair that I ended. To my H, what I did was 100 times worse than what he did. I went to counseling by myself when he cheated, and I went by myself about 3 years ago when I felt that my life had no worth. I also went by myself this time. It was only after I cheated that my H agreed to go himself because he finally understood that things were REALLY going to be over if we didn't actually work at it! I've done the work, as they say. Plus, I've felt remorse, asked forgiveness, changed my life - H never did. My H is a wonderful man in many, many ways, but he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. This isn't the first time he's blamed me for everything, and the counselor saw that when we went together. I've seen those books about one person saving a marriage, and I guess it must be possible, but I don't think it's easy or the best way to do it. The counselor thinks we have to do it together. By the way, the minister my husband went to when he was trying to find someone to be "on his side" in this, esentially said the same thing the counselor said. He told him that he has choices about his actions, and that he needs to love me, not challenge me all the time. I told H I'd go to the minister with him, but he is still deciding if he wants to go back. He didn't like what the minister said either.<P>So there you have it. Yeah, the counselor may not be the best (he is Christian, but not a "Christian counselor" and the minister is, of course, Christian, but not an educated counselor) and I'm not going back unless H goes with me anyway. I don't know. Now I'm confused. WHAT a day!!!

NB, ok you had a really lousy day, but you did one exceptional thing, you didn't go to the OM.....you get a standing ovation from me!!! Look at the positive, things have been going well, I'm sure you've tried everything, but have you asked him how important are you? Tell him you are asking for 8hrs of his time. 1 hour a week for 8 weeks to meet with a counselor of his choice. I think all of our marriages are worth 8 hrs. I hope he will at least think about that, maybe if he will commit to 8hrs, he will be able to see more about your relationship than just hit or miss. I wish you nothing but the very best, you do have it all together.............now let's get the H there.

NB,<P>Ok, I guesss I understand more about what context your counselor said these things in now. But, I do sense some bitterness (and rightfully so) in you that makes me really wonder if you are really doing all that you can do. This is not a criticism, I think you're doing a great job overall, as gladimadeit says, but I don't think this should be viewed as a competition between you and your H and that's how you make it sound. There's too much emphasis, I think, on who's to blame, who's affairs were worse, and who's doing more work to rebuild. All this talk about "your side" or "his side" is not good. You two need to remember you are not competing against each other, YOU'RE ON THE SAME TEAM. Perhaps both of you need to change the way you're looking at all of this.<P>I think it's good that you plan to continue in counseling to WORK ON YOU. That can never be a bad thing, and you know what? I guarantee that if you continue to work on you, become the best spouse you can be, IT WILL have a profound affect on your H. It may take some time, but I have a feeling he will come around.<P>I really think that continuing to LOVINGLY show and tell your H how much it would mean to you for him to attend counseling with you will prove effective in the long run. Please hang in there and don't give up on him.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.