Sometime ago I wrote about my marriage which was in distress due to my husband's unwillingness to work. This eventually resolved itself when a high paying job fell into his lap. It was great and he worked for eight months at this job - but one day just walked out because "it wasn't creative enough" "his boss did not give him any feedback" etc. There had been no discussion with me about his intention to leave his work so it came as quite a shock when he rang me from home to give me the news. Aside from being disappointed that he hadn't warned me I was in despair as I had been expecting to return to university full time to finish my degree. My initial anger was not exactly appeased when he announced he had no intention of returning to work but was planning to make musical instruments instead - he was going to teach himself. A period of difficulty ensued and the only thing that has kept me going is his periodical assurance that he will find work if he found a job that was profoundly satisfying. This is followed by some half hearted attempts which pass very quickly and he turns to his next hobby. He has been out of work now since the end of August and any questions from me about the job search quickly degenerate into a slinging match. He is totally indifferent to the fact that I have to work to maintain my home and us and suggests that I sell the house and live somewhere like a caravan to reduce expenses. Of course while he lives here he has full use of all the facilities I have worked hard for and he purports to despise! I find it so hard to understand that he is SO unwilling to give something back. I have supported him for 2 and a half years already and when I ask him if this is fair, he responds that marriage isn't meant to be a charitable institution. I guess I wouldn't mind if he was at home and perhaps keeping up the domestic side of things or building a fence for us or anything useful, but he does minimal housework and potters around with one hobby after another or spends hours on end on the internet - using my computer. To make matters worse he has given over one room in the house to his pet rats - dozens of them! The smell of them is driving me nuts, but again, he will not act on fixing the cause. I am at my wits end, and no longer know what to do. Please help!! How do I remain respectful and open to him under such circumstances? I feel I am becoming someone I don't much like!

Dear Ginny:<BR>Has he been to a therapist? I think that is what he really needs. There is definetly something going on with him. The first thing I thought of was the job issue. It's really not the job issue but what is underneath it...I assume that he is thinking that he could never be good enough to support you and the whole family. He sounds like he has depression and very low self-esteem. To him, that was great in getting a high paying job...but, when he found out that you may be going back to the university, that is where the problem escalated. He probably, I am assuming, that he will support you while you attend, but what happens after you get out? To him, you will probably get a higher paying job and that is where his ego is having the problem. But, even more so, like I said, he really sounds like he has depression. With depression, one does not have the motivation to do anything. One will start a project and never ever finish it. They will just go on to something else. The depression and self-esteem kindof go hand in hand. Did he ever go for therapy? Would he be opposed to seeing someone? I think he needs to correct the depression part in order to start to improve his self-esteem, hence, improving the marriage.